![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 20:34:34
I finally answered a call from my son today.
It's such a flashback to when he was out there 5 or so years ago. Except that at least this time he has his girlfriend with him.
Sleeping in the park
Having people attempt to rob them in the night
No money
"70 pound" backpack with belongings to lug around
hungry
Feet killing himSaid that he has a job, of sorts. They can 'sign up' each day with some sort of street outreach thing. Whoever gets there earliest gets signed up. If they don't get signed up that day, they go onto the next day's list. He & GF are signed up for tomorrow apparently.
Job consists of donning protective gloves & picking up used needles off the street, grass, etc. GAWD. I was saying to my husband, parts of Vancouver must be horrible for I.V. drug use if they can keep people employed DAILY picking up used needles!Works tomorrow, is hungry, free-food-kitchens are away across the town (probably in the REALLY bad part of Vancouver)
Oh God. This is really hard for me.ALSO - asked "Do you know what happened to our stuff? Our clothes?"
"As far as I know they were given to shelters"
"WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT?! Who gave them away?"I didn't do well at all about not getting talking with him!! So he's on the street, working picking up used needles, upset that all his belongings including "sentimental" ones are gone.
YUCK. Thank God I have a counselling appointment tomorrow (Monday)
I HATE THIS. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
I'm really glad I don't drink or have a substance abuse problem. I really feel like medicating-out right now. Sometimes I take a Valerian capsule which seems to calm me down. I think I'll do that.
I feel like curling up like a little kid & holding myself & rocking & crying & crying.
I hate drugs. I hate that life hurts people & they 'use' whatever to escape their hurts & the "whatever" they use destroys them.
Valerian time. Kath
Posted by sleepygirl on July 23, 2006, at 21:16:10
In reply to Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C., posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 20:34:34
God Kath...it sounds awful. I'm so sorry.
I wish I could make it better.I'll take a guess though and assume it's him who has to do the saving (of himself).
so hard to watch...so hard
((((Kath))))
Posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 22:46:03
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » Kath, posted by sleepygirl on July 23, 2006, at 21:16:10
Thanks for the hug!!!! It feels like a nightmare.
And of course trying to go to sleep - my mind is just spinning out of control!!
I have visions of him getting poked through the gloves with a needle used by someone with AIDS or HIV positive.
I have visions of him trying to sleep on the grass in the park, propped on his pack, so nobody will steal his belongings.
I feel a wrenching emptiness & grief in my stomach since it seems he thought his friend was going to take care of his & GF's belongings.
I hear him saying - 'so I'm on the street here, picking up dirty needles, sleeping in a park, and all my clothes & belongings have been given away.'
THAT one is horrible for me. When his friends & I were going through the mess in his house, we were being astonished that they could just up & leave everything. His friend, who he'd apparently left 'in charge' of his things told me that my son had said, "Take what you want & then give the keys to the landlord." So, given THAT information - what was I to do? I feel rotten. I feel horrible. I feel guilty for NOT having answered my son's phonecalls, since at least then I'd have known they didn't want to abandon their stuff.....then the detached sensible part says, "Hey - wait a minute here. In his postcard he sent me he said they in no way intended that I should have to deal with their belongings"
Oh man. I wonder if I'll be able to get to sleep. 2 Valerians & 2 herbal 'Calme Forte's later & my mind is still bounding around.
You know - it sounds horrible & I love both my children, but if I had KNOWN the incredible pain that can result I would never have had children. Never. I hate pain. I can't handle thinking about his situation. Yet I can't NOT think about it.
Sorry to go on & on. I actually got up out of bed to check & see if anyone had answered my post. Thanks SO much for answering it! and for your kindness....and you're right. He's the one who has to save himself. And BOY is it hard to know this is his reality right now.
Kath
> God Kath...it sounds awful. I'm so sorry.
> I wish I could make it better.
>
> I'll take a guess though and assume it's him who has to do the saving (of himself).
> so hard to watch...so hard
> ((((Kath))))
Posted by llrrrpp on July 23, 2006, at 23:21:44
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C, posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 22:46:03
Kath,
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I hope you can get some sleep tonight. I'm sending you some ZzzzzZZzzz now.You did the right thing by cleaning out his place and donating his stuff. It will go to help people who need it. It was generous and maternal of you to help him make a clean break with the house he was living in with the g/f.
As hard as it is, you must realize that he is where he is because of choices that he made. Imagine where he'd be without your concern and love. Even if your love comes in the form of letting him make his own mistakes, it's still love. You owe it to yourself to realize that the guilt you feel is toxic and [proabably] irrational. It will hurt you more than it will ever help him.
Can you call your GP and ask for a short term sleeping pill prescription? If this is not your style, an antihistimine (benedryl) usually knocks me right out (and clears my nose up too!)
((((((Kath))))))
((((((letting one's kids making their own choices)))))))
Posted by Phillipa on July 23, 2006, at 23:35:23
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » Kath, posted by llrrrpp on July 23, 2006, at 23:21:44
Kath I really do know how you feel as my Son was using drugs married a girl that was pregnant. Said he needed a car instead of the truck I'd lent him the downpayment for. He took the car with the girl joined the Army after getting his Ged and disappeared to Ranger School, then Fort Bragg 82nd Airborne. Parachuted into Pananma. We got back together and now his wife was pregnant with his Son. Sent to Iraq. I cried nightly for months knowing how reckless he was. Long story short he lost his eyesight l day after the War with the French Foreign Legion. Blasting cap defective from Russia. Well the Army sent him to college he graduated in social work summa cum laude. And he has all these thing aids provided by the government so he can work and kindda see. But he is legally blind and will never drive. And had 8 operations. 4 corneal transplants. Has no lenses, no iriises and detached retina left eye so that is completely blind. But you know what he grew up and is one of the nicest people I've ever met he would give you the shirt off his Back. Moral is that if this didn't happen he might be an addict today. Instead he's the Father of two teenagers. So it could be a good thing. But get a sleeping pill. Love Phillipa ps I got your E-mail
Posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 23:48:30
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » Kath, posted by llrrrpp on July 23, 2006, at 23:21:44
I am SOOOOOOOO glad that either you're up late, or are in a different time zone!!!!
Thank you for your post.
I'll make an appt with my GP tomorrow. Good idea. He knows the whole story (since my son was 14 or so) so it'll be good for him to know what I'm going through right now.
I wonder if there are non-addictive sleeping pills. I'm going to check my cupboard after writing this to see if I have Benedryl!!
I once developed a dependency on HAVING Rivotril on hand. I was taking it when my daughter (now a well-balanced & wonderful 30 year old) was 15. If I started to get low on the pills I'd start to panic & the doctor said he didn't want me taking them long-term. So I remember what that felt like & don't want anything that's too "tempting" :-))
Thank God I have an appointment with the counsellor (who is paid for by my husband's work, short-term Yay) tomorrow - OH it's today now!! Monday.
I will be working with her on what I need & how to word it to my son. I think I need to NOT hear from him.
This afternoon, after talking to him, I went & bought my husband & I our drinks or choice: him Starbucks latte & me Tim Horton's steeped tea. I came home & had set up our mosquito net 'cuz they were bad. It's one of those princess-over-the-bed-nets that has a ring then this cascading net. I bought one & we use it outside - put out chairs under it!
Anyway, I am a very mild-mannered person. NOT prone to outbursts, etc. Well, I brought the coffee & tea & pulled the net open. I was having trouble carrying a book, etc & getting the curtain open, etc. I was doing deep breathing to try & remain calm.
So I handed everything except my tea to my husband. Then I set down my tea & the net spilled some on the little table we had there. I grabbed the tea, set it down on the ground, picked up the table, hurled it across the yard, grabbed a stick, broke it against the ground, stamped on an empty paper cup that was nearby, sat down, pulled the net closed & started to cry.THAT helped me realize that I can't do this. I can't hear all this upsetting stuff. I've had too much over the last 8 years....& I just can't do it. It feels like abandoning my son....'hey buddy don't call me'. But THAT is what I'll be working on; the wording - with the counsellor.
Son's biological Dad lives in BC, but son doesn't want to phone him since he's in the same place he was last time he was in BC at around 16. I guess he's embarassed, ashamed, whatever. I wish he would call him. Maybe he will. Bio-Dad is out of town & will be back Tuesday nite or Wed morning, so I am hoping that my son will contact him.
Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.
a 'wobbly' Kath
Posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 23:54:41
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C, posted by Phillipa on July 23, 2006, at 23:35:23
Oh Phillipa, you're so sweet!
Glad you're still up also!!! I'll check the cupboard for Benedryl in the mean time!! I will go to the doc tomorrow. He's so nice & so supportive & knows all the details of my trials & tribulations with my son.
This too shall pass, right!? BUT it's been a long roller-coaster ride.
My son is also a REALLY nice person. Very kind & extremely sensitive. And THAT is what partly is so hard for me. If he was a total jerk it'd be so much easier!!!!!!!!!
Jeez, I wish I had some chocolate. LOL That just blurted out!!!! I DO like chocolalte & some lovely dark choc would be so good right about now!!!
Thanks for telling me your story & I'm so sorry that happened to your son, but as you say, if it didn't, who knows where he'd be right now!!!
hugs, Kath
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2006, at 2:38:58
In reply to Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C., posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 20:34:34
Remember that detachment.
I can only imagine the pain you must be in. It's hard to stand by and watch my son in little boy pain.
But once they get to be an adult, I guess the key is realizing that you just can't make yourself responsible for things you have no control over. He's making choices that you can't change. He knows you're there for him when he's ready. And he may have fantasies that you can save him. But you can't.
I'm all for doing whatever I can do for my son. The key is in sorting out what you can and can't do, and having a certain amount of detachment over the things you have no ability to control.
Maybe it would help to make columns? Things I can do. Things only he can do. Things I am able psychologically to do. And try to step back from anything that isn't in the first and third columns.
I don't know anything harder in the world than to stand by and see our kids or our family hurting from their own choices, or from situations we can't control.
Posted by Kath on July 24, 2006, at 10:40:13
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » Kath, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2006, at 2:38:58
> Remember that detachment.
Hi Dinah - thanks very much for answering. And thanks for including the above!!! I think that today, I'll have it as a 'mantra'. When I say it, I'll take a deep breath & (as the counsellor suggested) imagine a strong string pulling me up straight from my head & replacing any guilt with calm confidence.I'll probably have to do it MANY times, but that's OK.
I've also found a Naranon (like Al-Anon) Board for families of those with drug abuse problems. So far I haven't been able to figure out how to POST on it!!!!!! So Dr. Bob - you've done a good job on making this site easy & user-friendly!!!!! If I can figure it out, it'll be helpful I'm sure, as those people have been through just these exact things.
But, you know, it doesn't necessarily need to be a part of things that a person has been through something to be able to support someone. I find a lot of caring support here & gems of wisdom in people's suggestions.
I'm going to do the columns you suggested. It'll be good to have something very tangible that I can look at. I have to figure out what exactly to make the first column, though, because I'm codependent & 'what can I do' very quickly prompts the response to send money; contact his bio-Dad, etc. - things that might have been appropriate if he was 17 instead of 22!! Yikes.
It is SO difficult for me not to contact his bio-Dad. We aren't in touch...the only time we are is if I contact him regarding helping son (my ex had included in an email to me that he felt he'd like to help my son when son & GF first moved into their place) & asked for suggestions that would help him, but not hamper his independence.
In the 12-Step way of looking at things, when his behaviour has caused him to "hit bottom" in the past, my husband & I have always 'cushioned' that bottom. And as my daughter (30 - clean & sober for 7 years) has said, each time the 'bottom' is further down & harder to land in.
I just got up & was feeling pretty awful from dreams & the situation with my son. I did the TAT hold that I mentioned to Deneb & that I posted on the Alternative board. It helped quite a bit, but this is a horrible time in my life.
Thanks for your support. You sound like such a great Mom. I have said it before & repeat it gladly. :-))
Kath
Posted by curtm on July 24, 2006, at 12:53:48
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » Kath, posted by llrrrpp on July 23, 2006, at 23:21:44
That does sound sad Kath. I hope they can find what they are looking for (Not drugs.)
((((((Kath & kids)))))
Posted by AuntieMel on July 24, 2006, at 15:02:46
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C, posted by Kath on July 23, 2006, at 22:46:03
Remember - *you* didn't give his stuff away - he did when he left it.
Repeat to yourself "it's not my fault, it's not my fault..."
Unless you tied him down and put the drugs in his system it's not your fault.
Considering everything - and how hard it is for you <any parent> to *not* just baby him, you did an excellent job on this phone call.
<ambien isn't supposed to be addictive, but if you're worried, ask your doc about trazadone. it works good, too>
Posted by Kath on July 24, 2006, at 19:44:04
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » llrrrpp, posted by curtm on July 24, 2006, at 12:53:48
Thanks Curt - all hugs gratefully accepted!!
I hope so too - I hope that he can turn things around.
Kath
Posted by Kath on July 24, 2006, at 20:03:13
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C, posted by AuntieMel on July 24, 2006, at 15:02:46
> Remember - *you* didn't give his stuff away - he did when he left it.
>
> Repeat to yourself "it's not my fault, it's not my fault..."******OK - It's not my fault.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
He left his stuff!!!My enemy is this little (or big) voice that spouts: "Oh poor -----" and the feeling that goes with that. I should probably create a sentence that I will learn to automatically say when I'm feeling that way!!!!
----- is an adult. He has made unwise choices. He'll eventually learn from the results of his choices.
That sounds pretty good.*******
> Unless you tied him down and put the drugs in his system it's not your fault.
>
>
> Considering everything - and how hard it is for you <any parent> to *not* just baby him, you did an excellent job on this phone call.****** Really? THAnks - that feels good. I feel so uncertain & as I said, sort of in 'kid mode'. But that's OK. I feel quite a bit stronger after the counselling appointment. And I think I might be able to learn to do the phone calls somewhat differently. She suggested to 'mirror' what he says. To be sure not to give advice or ask questions about sensitive things...also to shift the conversation - like ask what the weather's like, or if I hear birds in the background or people or the ocean to talk about that - to try to lighten the conversation.
I'd like to be able to talk with him & NOT get all bent out of shape. Let's face it, things are probably going to get worse before they get better. I'd like to be able to be 'Mom' - here for him as emotional support & encouragement and NOT have the phone calls have such a terrible effect on me. I'm feeling more positive about that. I know it won't be easy, but I'm not feeling so AWFUL.
Also the counsellor pointed out that it's quite possible that his job is picking up garbage & they have protective gloves because there will probably be some needles in the garbage & they have to put them in a special container. I wouldn't be surprised if my son zeroed in on that. He's pretty dramatic. I mean JEEZ - how bad IS Vancouver? Are there so many IV drug users that they need numerous people every day to pick up the needles!!!???*******
>
> <ambien isn't supposed to be addictive, but if you're worried, ask your doc about trazadone. it works good, too>
******thanks. The Benedryl last nite worked OK, mind you, I was up so late, I was probably just exhausted & fell asleep because of that!! :-)Thanks for your support. It is helpful & I truly appreciate it.
:-)) Kath
Posted by Phillipa on July 24, 2006, at 20:36:30
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » curtm, posted by Kath on July 24, 2006, at 19:44:04
Kath just an idea. Why not visit the addictions board? Maybe post a thread. On how to help him or you especially . I know you will get a lot of responses not all are users some are like you just involved with one. Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on July 25, 2006, at 16:59:09
In reply to Re: Oh my God - Now my Test begins - news from B.C » Kath, posted by Phillipa on July 24, 2006, at 20:36:30
Just had a phonecall from my son.
He sounds in way better spirits. Had just finished work. Apologized for sort of snapping at me the other day. He said he had been really stressed & hungry. I said I could understand that & he said, "Yeah, but you didn't deserve to be talked to like that."
He & GF are staying at a friend's for a few days. He plans to phone his Bio-Dad & make contact. He feels better about doing it now, as he has his 'job' & somewhere to stay.
He said that he & GF are still 'clean'. As far as I'm concerned if they're doing some weed that's a far cry from what they were doing before.
We talked a bit about his belongings etc. I said it was too bad - what happened & he said, "Well ya know, maybe it needed to happen!"
I said, "Well, you certainly are getting a chance to start from scratch." & he laughed & said yes he was.
It felt like a very good conversation. When I got off the phone it was almost like aftershock or something! Going from 1 extreme to the other extreme in 3 short days! Well, not the other extreme exactly, but he sounded very positive.
Thanks everyone for your support. It helped immeasurably.
Kath
Posted by cloudydaze on July 25, 2006, at 23:58:39
In reply to Very Good News, posted by Kath on July 25, 2006, at 16:59:09
Kath,
So sorry i wasn't here in your time of need, but I'm glad others were :)
I didn't realize I hadn't been here in awhile. Sometimes I forget what day it is!
I am so glad to hear the good news about your son! I hope that things will continue to go well for him, and for you.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 26, 2006, at 17:31:18
In reply to Very Good News, posted by Kath on July 25, 2006, at 16:59:09
That's really good. I'm so happy that you don't have to worry about him being on the streets.
Word of warning - or two...
Try not to get *too* 'un-detached' even with good news. It's really good for him to *not* think it can be forgotten easily.
Trust is earned, 'ya know.
And if he's really addicted, don't be supprised or even too disapointed if he slips. The answer to that is 'well, get back on the horse and get back to it.' And remind him he's only a loser if he quits trying. And ask him what he learned this time.
Odds are it will happen. But each slip can be a learning experience.
And each day he doesn't slip is a miracle.
Posted by Kath on July 26, 2006, at 21:01:37
In reply to Re: Very Good News » Kath, posted by AuntieMel on July 26, 2006, at 17:31:18
> That's really good. I'm so happy that you don't have to worry about him being on the streets.******at least for now! I'm trying to view it as 'his journey'. Now that he's decided to be in touch with bio-Dad, I feel I will do better in stepping back. In fact, if he does call in future, I'm going to point out that I'm way back here & his bio-Dad is right there. It makes sense for b-D to be his support person. Besides the distance, I'm tired of the chaos & drama. I'll still be loving, but he's an adult & I don't want to do the parenting thing any more. I know I'm a parent forever, but I now want an adult-to-adult relationship*****
>
> Word of warning - or two...
>
> Try not to get *too* 'un-detached' even with good news. It's really good for him to *not* think it can be forgotten easily.******Thanks. My daughter (30) is freaked that I'm even talking to him! I guess she's seen him take advantage of me & take me for granted & only call me when he wants something etc. I have been pretty non-emotional about both the negative AND the positive. I feel like I've been messed around & I'm still NOT a happy camper at all! I still want to mention that he left without even mentioning anything about the money he owes me. He hasn't mentioned it...which is understandable under the circumstances I guess, but he COULD say, "You know Mom, I haven't forgotten that I owe you money..." etc. But THAT's not uppermost in his mind. But they scr**ed up bigtime & I am not forgetting. I'm being kind & accepting, but not gushy, etc.*****
> Trust is earned, 'ya know.
>
> And if he's really addicted, don't be supprised or even too disapointed if he slips. The answer to that is 'well, get back on the horse and get back to it.' And remind him he's only a loser if he quits trying. And ask him what he learned this time.
>
> Odds are it will happen. But each slip can be a learning experience.
>
> And each day he doesn't slip is a miracle.*******Thanks AM - I do expect that this is just another of the ups & downs. It's like a roller coaster going up & down - sometimes they're fast ups & downs & sometimes they're longer ones. My daughter is also quite 'put-out' that the word "clean" is being used when he's using weed. I see the point. She's 6 or so years clean & sober. The way I look at it, at least he's off chems for now & that's better for his health & safer. At the same time, the emotional pain that's being medicated by his daily use of substances hasn't been dealt with & I don't think he'll get his life straightened out until that happens.
Thanks for your support.
:-)) Kath
Boy it feels nice to smile & I STILL want chocolate. During the day I forget to buy it!!
Posted by Kath on July 26, 2006, at 21:04:29
In reply to Re: Very Good News, posted by cloudydaze on July 25, 2006, at 23:58:39
Don't worry Cloudy,
As I said in my reply to Auntie Mel, I expect this isn't the happy ending to the story!
But I'm enjoying knowing that the other parent can have a turn at involvement!
Take care & I still have copies of your posts in my purse!!!!! There going to stay there in case I need them in the future. or part of me feels like saying 'when' I need them.
:-))) Kath
Kath,
>
> So sorry i wasn't here in your time of need, but I'm glad others were :)
>
> I didn't realize I hadn't been here in awhile. Sometimes I forget what day it is!
>
> I am so glad to hear the good news about your son! I hope that things will continue to go well for him, and for you.
>
>
>
>
Posted by over 55 on July 27, 2006, at 9:38:56
In reply to Re: Very Good News » cloudydaze, posted by Kath on July 26, 2006, at 21:04:29
Hey Kath,
It's "me" from the alternative site!! I came to check on you here since I hadn't heard anything from you there. Really good news about your son. At least he is keeping in contact so you know he is still OK ( : And knowing his other parent is involved brings some sense of peace too, I would imagine. Keep strong and take care of yourself during all this. Go to your "happy place" as often as possible and just "witness" all the drama without becoming part of it. Hang in there!!
PS Found the info about the "finger-rubbing" technique and it is in my last post on the alternative site. Enjoy!!
Posted by Kath on July 27, 2006, at 16:22:56
In reply to Re: Very Good News, posted by over 55 on July 27, 2006, at 9:38:56
Hi Over - Nice of you to check on me!!
Yes, it's great knowing he will be in touch with bio-Dad....at least he said he would.
I will remember what you have said about being a 'witness'. Cool to think of it in that way. Thanks.
I'm going to check the alternative board.
Take care, Kath
Hey Kath,
>
> It's "me" from the alternative site!! I came to check on you here since I hadn't heard anything from you there. Really good news about your son. At least he is keeping in contact so you know he is still OK ( : And knowing his other parent is involved brings some sense of peace too, I would imagine. Keep strong and take care of yourself during all this. Go to your "happy place" as often as possible and just "witness" all the drama without becoming part of it. Hang in there!!
>
> PS Found the info about the "finger-rubbing" technique and it is in my last post on the alternative site. Enjoy!!
Posted by tina on July 30, 2006, at 20:40:11
In reply to Re: Very Good News » over 55, posted by Kath on July 27, 2006, at 16:22:56
Hi Kath
You said in an email that you come here now and then so I thought I'd check in and see what's up!
Your son sounds like he is getting it together. I'm glad. YOu do know you ARE a good mom right? You've always been just a little too hard on yourself. I know your son will make it eventually. He still has a lot of life left to live and will make many more mistakes, but try to remember this: they are HIS mistakes, NOT yours and NOT because of anything you did or didn't do in the past.
I know he will be fine. He may fall down and get back up again, a hundred times more maybe, but I still know he will be fine. He is an intelligent kid, and the smart ones grow up eventually. Hehe.
Love ya Kath.
T
Posted by Kath on July 31, 2006, at 8:52:28
In reply to Re: Very Good News » Kath, posted by tina on July 30, 2006, at 20:40:11
Hey Tina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for this post. Glad to see ya here.
As usual - words of wisdom & yes, I guess I know I'm a good Mom. THAT sounds so definite right? LOL
I like that part about they're HIS mistakes etc.
I'm feeling a bit 'wobbly today' because yesterday I sent him an email. It was a good email really & part of me feels GOOD about it.
It was very upbeat, saying I hope all is well & that he's connected with his bio-Dad & wife, etc. & that he & GF are well on their way to getting themselves established out there. It was quite positive - as if I expected (no doubts) that things would develop in a positive way for them.
I then said that as soon as they've got jobs & a good place to live, I want him to begin paying back money that he owes....that even a small amount every month will be better than waiting longer for a larger amount.
Part of me feels really good. This feels like a 'normal' healthy adult-to-adult interaction.
THEN there's the weird part:
'Oh dear - if he hasn't contacted bio-Dad & again doesn't have a place to stay this'll feel horrible to him! Might just be the extra bit of stress that pushes him over the edge'
And stupid thoughts like that.The GOOD thing is that I'm doing pretty well at responding to them with a hearty "bull***t - oh please - whatEVER" and then letting go of it 'til the next time those type of thoughts rear their ugly heads!
I'm doing pretty well.
I feel good about speaking up about it. I was rather teed off that when he picked up & left - & when we finally spoke, he made NO mention of the money he owes me. I also think that it puts things into perspective a little as to - I hope it would make him less likely to phone me & complain when things aren't going well. That feels somewhat manipulative, but the main reason I did it was to say 'HEY - you owe me money & I haven't forgotten & I want you to pay me as soon as you're set up out there.' I think it's almost as if I'm pointing out that what would be the expected thing to do would be get a decent job; get a decent place to live, even if it's just a room in a house for now; set payment of debts to your parents in motion. All those things are reasonable things to do!
Again Tina good to 'see ya'
luv, Kath
Posted by tina on July 31, 2006, at 21:46:58
In reply to Feeling a little guilty this morning » tina, posted by Kath on July 31, 2006, at 8:52:28
> I then said that as soon as they've got jobs & a good place to live, I want him to begin paying back money that he owes....that even a small amount every month will be better than waiting longer for a larger amount.
>
> Part of me feels really good. This feels like a 'normal' healthy adult-to-adult interaction.
> THEN there's the weird part:
> 'Oh dear - if he hasn't contacted bio-Dad & again doesn't have a place to stay this'll feel horrible to him! Might just be the extra bit of stress that pushes him over the edge'
> And stupid thoughts like that.
>
> luv, Kath
>Well, first of all, they aren't "stupid" thoughts. They are relevant and important to you. No more of that negative self talk, ok?
Also, I'm glad you were assertive about the money. There is a money issue in my family that has been draggin on and on for years and it has effectively torn my family apart. We used to be four people and now we are two pairs, not talking or seeing one another. If you don't settle money issues within families, it will always be the "elephant in the room." Why am I telling you this when you already know it? hehe.
I have got to get some sleep. I'm off to PEI this week. Can't afford it but what they he**, I only live once, right? Well, I don't really subscribe to that theory but it is a well known saying...hahaha.
Love ya Kath
T
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