![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 5 to 29 of 29. Go back in thread:
Posted by TexasChic on April 4, 2006, at 20:21:03
In reply to Re: Upsetting day » TexasChic, posted by crazy teresa on April 4, 2006, at 19:34:23
> I'm curious as to why you give a rat's *ss about these girls' opinions of you.
I don't know! Its just something I do. I get obsessed. I've done it over and over. I can actually see that. But for some reason it doesn't stop it from happening.
BTW: If you could only see them standing around laughing LOUD while talking to the guys. Its just sickening. Its irritating. It IS like jr. high!!!
>Would you want to be friends with girls who routinely treat others in this way? The way you've discribed their behavior, it sounds as if they're in jr. high, trying to make others miserable to make themselves feel better.>
That's exactly what's been going through my head. And I know I don't really want to be friends with them. It was just nice to belong for that short time. Even if it was fake (apparently).
> I wouldn't worry about the folders or what's in them. Pretend like you never saw it and they get no satisfaction.
I've been thinking that too! Today I tried to write something back but the server crashed before I could do it. I kind of wondered if that was maybe a sign.
> I might keep a private record at home of all the things they do. If the bitchiness turns into harassment, you have documentation to take into personnel, should the need arise.
Already there. I took a screen shot of all the folders with my name in it. A box in the middle shows this:
Folder / Owner
Get the F*ck out [my name]! / BitchyGirl1'sRealName
Get the F*ck out [my name]! / BitchyGirl2'sRealName
Get the F*ck out [my name]! / BitchyGirl1'sRealName
Get the F*ck out [my name]! / BitchyGirl3'sRealNameI thought about just leaving that screen shot as a message back to them. It would worry me if I were them.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 4, 2006, at 20:38:19
In reply to Re: Upsetting day » TexasChic, posted by ghost on April 4, 2006, at 20:14:59
Ghost! Good to hear from you.
>this is unprofessional inappropriate behavior and you have a right to ask it to stop. your supervisors should EXPECT it to stop.
Thanks, I needed to hear that.> anyhow, i really think you need to bring this up to a supervisor or human resources or someone.
I'm thinking about that, but I'll probably wait to see what happens first. I'm kind of afraid to make things worse.> good luck. you deserve a more peaceful workplace.
Thanks. The thing is, it was great for a while, and now it sucks, and the comparison makes it that much worse. If I had just been left alone in my own little secluded world, I wouldn't know any different.-T
Posted by Racer on April 4, 2006, at 21:45:57
In reply to Re: Upsetting day, posted by TexasChic on April 4, 2006, at 20:38:19
What you've described is an unhealthy environment and the supervisor needs to know what's going on. Really and truly, and I have a very little bit more to add to it.
First, if you hadn't already experienced some problems with these people, you would not have wondered if there was something unpleasant about you. (Unless you're really nuts, but you're not, so that doesn't apply.)
Mainly, though, if the file you were looking for was work related, and the folders you were looking in were open to look in -- then that's something the supervisor needs to know about. That is just not OK, period. Please do yourself, your supervisor, and the world a favor and report this.
I won't try to go into all the details, because I don't feel well today and am having a hard time thinking, but truly -- report this. Even if you know that you were looking for something negative about you, that's not something anyone else needs to know. What's more, if these girls have made this such a hostile work environment for you -- or for anyone else, for that matter -- then there's a real problem that really should be addressed. Give your supervisor a chance to do something about it -- it's in the best interest of your employer, both in terms of productivity and in terms of not getting their butts sued because of the Hostile Work Environment thing. So, you're doing it for the company, not for yourself.
OH! And before I forget -- it's not your responsibility to address this directly. It's your supervisor's job to do that. Let your supervisor do her/his job, OK?
And if you benefit, that's icing, right?
Posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2006, at 23:10:14
In reply to Oh, no -- please do something about this » TexasChic, posted by Racer on April 4, 2006, at 21:45:57
How bout a new job? Getting up at 4:30 is inhumane. Love phillipa
Posted by Outsider on April 5, 2006, at 0:25:47
In reply to Upsetting day, posted by TexasChic on April 4, 2006, at 18:31:02
It would be a shame if you accidentally saved a file to the wrong folder entitled "Report on Employee Computer Misuse for Mar 2006" and if opened, it read "GET OUT!" Not that I would in any way suggest you do such a thing.
Outsider
Posted by wildcard11 on April 5, 2006, at 5:41:15
In reply to Upsetting day, posted by TexasChic on April 4, 2006, at 18:31:02
~these types of girls can just p*ss me off! i would do whatever i had to do so that they had NO clue what they did bothered me...i would even give it an extra effort to look right at them and smile. just keep telling yourself, scr*w them over and over. i had something similar happen to me while filling in at another store and was so emotionally weak that i cried and they loved it. they sound like a bunch of unhappy, snobby b*tches w/ a stick up their *ss. when my run in happened, a guy that wk'ed there said to remember that Christina Aguilera song, Beautiful!!! i hope your day goes much, much better...
Posted by ClearSkies on April 5, 2006, at 5:51:25
In reply to Upsetting day, posted by TexasChic on April 4, 2006, at 18:31:02
Sorry you had such an upsetting day, TexasChic.
Something similar happened to me once with an email message I saw inadvertently. I won't go into the details, it's still a sore spot for me to think about much, but; I did go to a supervicor to talk about it.
Now, when I did this, the email message had been deleted, no surprise. And I hadn't thought to make a copy or print it out because I was way too upset to do anything but cry when I read it.
I sat down with the person who had sent the email and told them I had seen it. He denied that there had been such a message or that he would have sent it in the first place. I told him that I didn't believe him and that I couldn't trust him.
And we went back to work with nothing further said, nothing done. He was visibly uncomfortable around me after that, and I was cordial but made no attempt to repair our friendship. Being hurt like this made me so wary of workplace friendships that I distanced myself from them after that.
I think I kept myself safer for having done it. I was somewhat satisfied in talking to him about it, seeing the recognition in his eyes (kind of like that deer caught in the headlights), and hearing the words that said that he knew nothing about it.
It made me realise that he had to live in his own skin while being deceitful. For me that was enough.Stay strong, TexasChic. No matter what you decide to do. I'm sorry that you had this happen; but I believe it's a reflection upon these other people, and not about you at all.
ClearSkies
Posted by TexasChic on April 5, 2006, at 19:55:30
In reply to Re: Upsetting day » TexasChic, posted by ClearSkies on April 5, 2006, at 5:51:25
I felt much better today, more positive and more annoyed rather than hurt. I really couldn't believe how good I felt. In the past, a situation like this would take me weeks to get over. So I guess I'm at least progressing.
I think I forgot to tell yall yesterday about how they also changed my 'angel' icon into a 'devil'. How immature is that? That's not even offensive! Oooh, I'm a devil. ALSO, they each have signs on their desks that say GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'm assuming this is directed towards me, not that I've bothered to talk to them in the last couple of weeks or anything.
Anyway, back to today. Of course I checked their folders to see if they had added anything else. All I noticed was BitchyGirl had taken the curse word out of her message (but I have proof so that's okay). She is the main instigator, not cold-shoulder-girl. Although cold-shoulder-girl is going along with it, she is at least smart enough not to address anything directly to me, especially in writing. So I'm thinking I will concentrate my efforts on BitchyGirl. She's the one that gave me all the trouble over the summer too.
So anyway, a while later I went to my folder to get something and she had written in it, "I can see you!!" and "Sucks when it happens to you doesn't it". Of course I didn't care at all about anyone looking in my folder, its just boring work related stuff. But this was just the last straw for me. I printed these new ones out and went up to HR (my regular supervisor is out for the week).
The main HR people I know were at lunch, but a man I didn't know asked me if I needed anything. Turns out he was the head of HR. I showed him my printouts and told him some of the history. I told him I was kind of afraid of making things worse by confronting them and I really just wanted something documented just incase they try something worse.
He documented everything and told me I should tell my supervisor when he gets back, just so he'll be aware of the situation. He also kept suggesting a meeting between me, BitchyGirl and my supervisor. I tried to explain to him the crazy bitch would not take being reprimanded lying down. She WOULD retaliate against me, I'm positvie of that. He adviced me that if I ignore them they'll probably lose interest and stop. I told him that's what I was doing when I recieved the new messages in my folder today. But overall he was helpful and made me feel better. And now my complaint is documented.
When I got back to my desk I spoke to my co-worker who sits in front of me about it all. He said its not the first time they've done this, and it won't be the last. They had recently focused in on a friend of his. He said they would go to her desk while she was away and hide things or knock things over. I'm thinking I may see if she will share her experience as a way of backing me up.
One other thing that bother's me, BitchyGirl seems to know too much about what I'm doing to just be glimpsing over my shoulder. I know its possible to network with other computer's and see exactly what people are doing on their desktop. Its kind of a monitoring thing for supervisors and shouldn't be available to us. But I'm just wondering if they may have gotten into it somehow. I'm going to check that out with my supervisor.
Thanks again for all the helpful advice and encouragement. Overall, it wasn't a bad day. Just being able to let the hurt feelings go was a huge step for me. I believe just talking to a couple of babblers last night gave me the inner strength I needed to feel confident about not deserving this sort of treatment. I really appreciate you all.
-T
Posted by crazy teresa on April 5, 2006, at 21:04:47
In reply to Thanks you so, so much everyone!!!, posted by TexasChic on April 5, 2006, at 19:55:30
You're taking back your power, handling it all in a very mature way, were professional AND you're feeling better!
I'd say that's one heckofva GOOD day! ;~}
Posted by TexasChic on April 6, 2006, at 21:58:35
In reply to I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by crazy teresa on April 5, 2006, at 21:04:47
I spoke to my supervisor today about BitchyGirl, it went really well. He was very understanding and said everyone pretty much knows what she's like. He said I shouldn't have to put up with this behavior though. I asked him not to say anything, that I wanted him to know just in case it continued or got worse. He said he agreed that she'll probably lose interest if I ignore her, but that he was glad I told him about it.
The weird part was when we spoke we went to a room in the back and had to walk right past her. When we came out it was almost time to go and cold-shoulder-girl was with her and they both stared at me the entire walk to my desk. I pretended I didn't notice. My supervisor said to tell anyone who asked that we were meeting about my review, which I was actually due for. I'm due for a $1 raise (woohoo!).
So we'll see how everything goes tomorrow. Hopefully nothing will come of that last glare of the day. That is, unless its the fact that they now know better than to mess with me!
-T
DON'T MESS WITH TEXASCHIC!
Posted by TexasChic on April 6, 2006, at 22:46:29
In reply to I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by crazy teresa on April 5, 2006, at 21:04:47
> You're taking back your power, handling it all in a very mature way, were professional AND you're feeling better!
Thanks! Its been a long hard road to get to the point where I can actually stand up for myself. It still takes ALOT of effort, but its better than not trying at all. I'm living proof that you CAN stop being a doormat.
At my last job, I did everything right to take up for myself, but still got fired. But rather than making me give up, it only made me more determined when I found myself in a similiar situation. I just tell myself, I've delt with way worse than this. This girl is small fries.
Of course, I feel really confident right now, but who knows what will happen tomorrow. It may all go to hell. But I know I'll keep trying because I deserve to be treated well just like everyone else. Its amazing how hard that concept is to learn and actually believe. When I see people struggling and can tell they haven't yet come to this realization, I always wish I could take that part of my brain and transfer it them so that they could understand. But its something we have to learn on our own. We may not be able to change other people, but we CAN change how we think of ourselves.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 7, 2006, at 18:39:06
In reply to Re: I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by TexasChic on April 6, 2006, at 22:46:29
This has been the hardest week. Today on break, I was outside talking to one of the few girls that will talk to me now, and saw she was reading a book I had read. I told her it was about environmental stuff and I really liked it. Then me and the guys started talking about global warming and I was trying to explain the points made in the book for and against it. All of a sudden, she jumps up and throws her (hardcovered) book in the trash. I said, "What did you do that for?!?!" She said, "You just told me the whole damn story!" as she stormed off. Me and the guys exchanged bewildered looks and I told them I didn't even say anything about the story. I was talking about global warming!
This girl is always dramatic so it wasn't as shocking as it would have been if someone else had done it. But it hit me pretty hard after all I've gone through with the other girls. I was about to cry so I tried to make a joke saying, "Oh well, I guess she can hate me with all the rest of them". Then I started crying anyway. Not boohooing or anything, but just sitting there whiping the tears away. The guys were looking all panicked like they didn't know what to do, so we just went inside.
Ever since the other drama, I usually sit outside with this girl at lunch, along with a few others. So today I went out to the table we've been sitting at and read my book. No one ever showed, and when I went in I saw her and a couple of others sitting way far away where no one ever sits! Like she just couldn't get far away enough from me.
I know what she did was irrational and not my fault. But still, how many people can you take hating you at once? After lunch I just kept crying and trying my best to stop. Everybody around me was joking and laughing. The guy in front of me, who is a kind of misfit himself, kept looking back at me like he wanted to say something but didn't know what. Finally I got up and went to the bathroom, used half a bottle of eyedrops, and walked around a bit to try to gain some control. When I got back the girl that is the team lead (and not associated with any of the other girls except casually) came up to me to ask about a job and saw my red eyes and asked what was wrong. I told her I'm fine, and she said "No you're not, come with me" and lead me to the bathroom. The first thing she asked was if I was upset about bitchygirl. She started in on how she is so not worth getting upset over and how she herself just tolerates her and so on. I finally told her about what happened on break. But I said it was that on top of the other stuff that really did it.
We talked a bit and she told me how when I went off with the supervisor to our meeting yesterday, I had scared the crap out of bitchygirl. She said she ran up to her and said, "What do you think that's about?" all nervous and everything. The team lead girl told her she didn't know but it was about time for my review. She said bitchygirl said, 'Thank God' with much relief. So we kind of laughed about that and I went back to work feeling a little better.
Then she and any other compasionate women left early for the day. I was left mostly with all the haters. I was starting to freak out because I had to make a mock-up and I hadn't done one in a long time & didn't remember how. One problem I've had with this job is that I can't get anyone to help me, and nothing is written down. So after I was shown once or twice, I just made sure I didn't get anymore mock-ups. So here I was and the big boss was all over me because it was late (not my fault, but no matter).
Finally I asked the guy in front of me for help. He's been there forever and I don't know why I didn't think he would be any help. I guess cause all my other attempts getting help had failed. Anyway, he helped, pratically doing most of it himself. I was very grateful, but didn't like all the attention we were getting. I've always been worried because there's some things I don't know how to do when I should already, and I know they look down on me for that. So they were watching us like a hawk, and bitchygirl and cold-shoulder-girl each pretended to need something in the back room where we were working. It was just so obvious. Of course he was doing everything so I can just see where all this is going to go.
Wow! This is insanely long! Thanks if you've read this far, I just needed to get it out. I feel better having done so.
Tomorrow we're celebrating my nephew's 8th birthday. So that will be fun. And I won't have time to think of anything else! So I'm just going to try to blow this off. I may not suceed completely, but I'll try.
-T
Posted by wildcard11 on April 7, 2006, at 18:53:28
In reply to And yet another girl that now hates me., posted by TexasChic on April 7, 2006, at 18:39:06
like jr.high school w/ her throwing the book and stomping off? maybe she was having a really bad day??? regardless, these girls prob. act the way they do b/c they are jealous and/or feel threatened by you...i think you handled this week better than i would have. i have a mean streak that Crazy T gave to me..lol j/k (((TC)))
Posted by TexasChic on April 7, 2006, at 19:48:03
In reply to Sounds to me » TexasChic, posted by wildcard11 on April 7, 2006, at 18:53:28
> like jr.high school w/ her throwing the book and stomping off? maybe she was having a really bad day??? regardless, these girls prob. act the way they do b/c they are jealous and/or feel threatened by you...
I have considered it might be the blonde hair and big boobs. But I'm overweight so I always feel like that cancels it out. But I have to admit, they do seem jealous of me hanging with the guys.
>i think you handled this week better than i would have. i have a mean streak that Crazy T gave to me..lol j/k
It was all I could do not to retaliate. But I knew that if I was to behave professionally, I couldn't do that. And after being fired a couple of years ago, job security is VERY important to me. I decided I would be the adult, reasonable one. If I was to behave rashly, it would make me look less trustworthy. My supervisor reinforced this in our meeting, warning me not to let it get so bad that I lose it, because then I would be in trouble too.
If I learned anything from my work experiences its to document EVERYTHING! Type up a list of names, times, quotes, witnesses, and any physical proof you can get (like pictures or printouts). Not only is this smart, it impresses the hell out of management, especially if its not really a corporate environment.
Thanks for supporting me!
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 7, 2006, at 19:58:31
In reply to Re: Oh, no -- please do something about this, posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2006, at 23:10:14
> How bout a new job? Getting up at 4:30 is inhumane. Love phillipa
Yeah, the 4:30 thing is insane, but other than that I actually like the job. Its mostly easy and good pay. Also, I have this thing about leaving a perfectly good job because of another person! It would be like giving up to me. All that being said, I am always looking for bigger and better. I really need to update my resumé and be more diligent about it.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 7, 2006, at 20:07:16
In reply to Re: Upsetting day » TexasChic, posted by ClearSkies on April 5, 2006, at 5:51:25
... I've been rereading what everyone posted and it really, really makes me feel better. Thank you everyone.
-T
Posted by gardenergirl on April 8, 2006, at 0:39:47
In reply to And yet another girl that now hates me., posted by TexasChic on April 7, 2006, at 18:39:06
Just wanted to say that I hope you have a great time celebrating the birthday. I hope it's a good distraction and helps you get some space from this for awhile.
And it's so hard sometimes to remain professional when others are acting so immature. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I highly recommend aggressive weeding or throwing bundles of old carpet down your basement stairs, naming each one for one of the people involved as a way to work out some of the feelings. I can't tell you how therapeutic that felt for me at the time, and it got the job done, too.
Have a lovely weekend.
gg
Posted by TexasChic on April 8, 2006, at 21:47:59
In reply to Re: And yet another girl that now hates me. » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on April 8, 2006, at 0:39:47
Thanks gg! The birthday was great! I love to be with kids because they are so much less complicated than adults. They have a way of just purely ENJOYING things that I think we lose later. When I'm out with my nephew having fun, I feel like I get a little bit of that back.
I feel much more confident about dealing with the work people Monday. Its funny how something can seem so-o-o important, but in time you realize in the scheme of things its just really not. I'll still have to fight the temptation to retaliate and lash out, but I've got to remember that in the long run I'll come out on top if I don't allow myself to be drug down to their level.
-T
Posted by gardenergirl on April 8, 2006, at 22:10:10
In reply to Re: And yet another girl that now hates me. » gardenergirl, posted by TexasChic on April 8, 2006, at 21:47:59
That sounds like a great way to look at things. I'm glad you enjoyed the birthday. I agree, kids can be so purely into just enjoying the moment. That's something it's very easy to lose and is wonderful to get back into touch with.
Take care,
gg
Posted by milly on April 9, 2006, at 6:40:27
In reply to Today, posted by TexasChic on April 6, 2006, at 21:58:35
I know only too well about workplace bullying, which is what this is,look after yourself, you don't have to take this.
I used to find kneading bread was very helpful, imagining that i was pummelling whoever I needed to get out of my system at the time! plus you end up with incredibly good bread!
milly
Posted by TexasChic on April 9, 2006, at 16:54:00
In reply to Re wow what a horrid day » TexasChic, posted by milly on April 9, 2006, at 6:40:27
Thank you, everyone's messages have helped me alot. When you're just dealing with something in your head, and it seems like everyone is against you, its easy to start questioning yourself. Just the agreement that this whole things sucks and I don't deserve it meant alot to me.
Yesterday when I was with my sister and brother, I told them about all this. I usually don't tell them much about my problems because they both are usually so into their own. But they were very shocked at what I was dealing with. My brother said he suddenly found his work problems pretty tame in comparison.
The day was fun yesterday, but as usual I payed for everyone's lunch and movie ticket, because as usual no one had any money. My brother did at least thank me. He's really not all that bad, he's just very focused on himself right now. I try to help him but sometimes I feel like I'm being sucked into a vaccuum when I talk to him. I guess his problems trigger my problems or something. I know he feels I've deserted him since I've tried to distance myself a bit.
My sister is my sister. No "Thank you", and she questioned why I got her a small drink at lunch and myself a medium (mine went with a combo meal so it had to be medium). I was like, sorry, its all I could afford (since I was buying for EVERYONE!). I actually almost gave her the medium drink (before she even asked) just because its automatic for me to put other people first. But then I was like, I'm paying for this, I should get the medium drink! It really is hard to learn to put yourself first.
I just wanted my nephew to have a good birthday. And I wanted the rest of them to enjoy themselves too since it seems like they all rarely do. So I guess I shouldn't complain about something I did willingly. It was good to do something together since we haven't in so long.
My life sure is weird right now. If it weren't such familiar ground I wouldn't feel quite so bad about it. It seems I keep repeating the same cycles over and over again. I really need to start therapy again. I get mad at my brother for not taking my advice and going, and here I am not going either. I'm obviously setting myself up for some of these things - like the bullying. I'm not saying I deserve it or anything, but to have it happen over and over has got to mean something. It may be just revealing low self esteem, or the fact that I'm sensitive, which gives certain people an in. I'm proud that I've always taken up for myself in these situations, but if I can avoid them all together I'd be happier. I'll make it a goal to set up an appointment before the week is out, preferably tommorow.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 11, 2006, at 19:58:47
In reply to Re: Re wow what a horrid day, posted by TexasChic on April 9, 2006, at 16:54:00
Today I went to work and it was so weird, I just didn't care about all the crap anymore. I suddenly felt confident and just fine by myself. The two girls just looked pathetic somehow. When I think about how bad I felt, and how I feel now, I just don't know where to give credit for the change. I know I have been daily getting calmer, but its strange. Its like I just... let it go.
I think I may have heard the two girls making plans to go out with people from work without me, and I didn't even care! I was like, I wouldn't want to hang out with them anyway, they would just annoy the hell out of me. Just a week ago the same thing would have made me a basket case! I just hope this feeling is permanent and not a delusion of some kind.
Today and yesterday I've been going to sit in my car for lunch. It felt so good to get away from everyone. Plus the weather is really nice right now, sunny and a light breeze. I'm going to enjoy it while I can because I know it won't last long. Unfortunately we usually only have a few days that are really nice, then it gets too hot to sit outside unless there's a large body of water nearby.
I hope this good feeling lasts. Its not manic or anything, its just not the obsessive paranoid thing anymore. Now I just need to use it to meet new people. Still baby steps I guess.
-T
Posted by gardenergirl on April 11, 2006, at 20:30:14
In reply to Weird, posted by TexasChic on April 11, 2006, at 19:58:47
Sounds like a very good feeling.
Take care,
gg
Posted by ClearSkies on April 11, 2006, at 20:53:28
In reply to Weird, posted by TexasChic on April 11, 2006, at 19:58:47
Ahhh - that feeling of letting go....
it is so good.CS
Posted by TexasChic on April 12, 2006, at 19:11:53
In reply to Re: Weird, posted by ClearSkies on April 11, 2006, at 20:53:28
This is the end of the thread.
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