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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:16:52
you awake?
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:25:19
In reply to psssssssssssssstt, posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:16:52
sigh.
you peoples sleep too much
:-(
though i think i sleep more than you
but i guess it moves into spring / summer for you guys
and you all go away again :-(
the boards get quieter over summer...
and it is winter here no fair :-(
and you guys are asleep and i am awake :-(
and when you are awake then i am asleep :-(
no fair.
:-(i'm in a funny mood...
kinda grumpy mood...i'm going to ring up councelling service tomorrow.
i'm scared :-(
they will want me to go away :-(
and i'll want to fall through the ground :-(
and i'm scared :-(
and i don't wanna get worse :-(
and nobody listens to me anyways ak! 'cause i'm crazy and don't know what i'm talking about and they are the expert and i'm in denial etc etc.
:-(
grumpy... grumpy... i feel grumpy...need to be careful...
tempting to go 'cause trouble at sitethatmustnotbenamed but only 'cause they are mean to me :-(
'move' my posts to the trash :-(
no fair.
don't mean to upset people :-(
why do i get into these moods?
poke..
poke..
anybody awake?
pay attention to me
WAH
POKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:27:27
In reply to Re: psssssssssssssstt, posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:25:19
muffled?
come play with me...
i'm sorry...
someone must be awake...
clearskies?
good morning?
i'm sorry.
:-(
i'm sorry.
:-(
:-(
:-(
:-(
:-(i should take a pill eh.
:-(
dr bob?????
are you reading and ignoring us
or have you found yourself a life?
:-(
:-(
:-(
anybody awake?i'm sorry :-(
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:33:45
In reply to Re: psssssssssssssstt, posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:27:27
i have changed into a different person.
i have.
that is something paradoxical about DID.
how I can feel I have changed into another I
how is that possible for me to experience?
to hold both in my mind...
?i don't know.
maybe it is like borderline logic (which is illogical but makes sense kinda)
alters can be different gender from the body and different age and i can be turned into somebody else and it makes sense (though is kinda illogical)and i struggle with the illogic
how to turn the sense into logic
how to
how to
mustbut i guess its not so important to me
to new me
cracking up...
i don't like me
new me.
me bad :-(
don't like me :-(where did old me go?
a_k?
where you go?
i want you back.
you must have something to say to me...
something to say to me...to help me.
help me
helpplease.
:-(
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:35:21
In reply to and i am losing it..., posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:33:45
and a_k can't be locked away that don't make sense
(not only is it illogical it don't make sense)
but that is w. for what it is worth...
must be muse. (aka katie)
muse muse muse...
hug for muse
then flatten muse with a boulder
that don't matter
that don't get deleted
bad muse :-(
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:36:07
In reply to Re: and i am losing it..., posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:35:21
bad us :-(
spamming the boardsPBC whoever you are
leave some room for other people to ignore you...
Posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2006, at 7:07:38
In reply to Re: and i am losing it..., posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 6:36:07
The clocks were turned ahead last night and it messed me up. I woke up at 4am, had a cup of coffee and went right back to bed. It's 8am now.
I'm glad that you plan to call the counselling services office tomorrow. There's been lots of good ideas thrown out here as to how they might be able to help you.
CS
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 7:19:59
In reply to Hey there am finally up, posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2006, at 7:07:38
i'm sorry :-(
i'm so sorry :-(
yes i'm going to ask them for a referral to someone in the commmunity find out about sliding scales and stuff. just feeling really scared about rejection :-( that they won't even want to talk to me :-( feeling all panicky :-(
i'm so sorry i'm so sorry
:-(
is it 8am?
where abouts (round about)
it is sunday?
it is sunday night here.
scared about tomorrow.
need to do something.
:-(
i'm sorry
:-(
feel all panicked :-(
Posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 7:22:57
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up, posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 7:19:59
i don't know what to tell them. i don't know what to say. been getting bad memories. bad memories about being shut away and people leaving and stuff :-( about being hit and stuff :-( not so nice. and the memories / ruminations go around and around and i havne' tben working i've been lying in bed mostly ruminating and crying and stuff. and it is like i am still locked away. and then is now and now is then and here is there and stuff and i get all confused.
i don't know what to say to them tomorrow.
should i tell them about that?
about the memories?
about how it is hard to work?
about how i've been taking the valium cause of getting panicked
about how maybe i'm depressed?
about how i got dx'd with DID
about my history in the service?
i don't know what to tell them
who in their right mind wouldn't just want to get me the f*ck away from them
:-(
:-(
:-(
Posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2006, at 8:17:15
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up, posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 7:22:57
Hey - please stop apologising. You have no reason to feel badly about what you think and write - they are your thoughts and they belong to you.
Counselling. How about starting a fresh page - "this is how I and feeling right now". Is it not what are you experiencing at this moment that is causing so much distress to you? Don't feel that you're obliged to put all your past experiences out on the table. It's how you are feleing NOW that is the issue. You have to get through today and today only. Let them ask the questions, Special_K. Try to think in the present moment.
((((Special_K))))CS
Posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 9:59:55
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2006, at 8:17:15
I'm up now, too. It must get really lonely when you're on a completely different time zone than a lot of your friends. Heck, it's hard enough for me to keep straight the time different between here and California.
You know, I try to imagine what different types of problems feel like, but DID is really hard. I've read what people post, and I've read about the disorder, but it's hard to imagine what it feels like. And I would guess that for someone who values and is so skilled with logic, it must be very difficult. Because you're right, it doesn't seem to be that logical. I hope that you can find your own meaning and your own logic for it.
I'm glad you're going to call. I don't do well on the phone. I tend to get all rambly and forget things. I find it helps to write down what I want to say, either in bullet points or in a script of sorts. Maybe that would help?
I wish we could reach out and protect you from rejection. I'd like to believe that they wouldn't reject you unless they truly are not able to help you. And in that case, that they would then help you find those who can. But fear of rejection is a very powerful thing. I know it leads me to avoid many things I'd benefit from doing if I could just get the nerve to.
Try to imagine that we're standing with you as you call, holding your hand, laying a hand gently on your shoulder so you know you are supported and not alone. We're with you in this.
I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for a good outcome from the call.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Phillipa on April 2, 2006, at 12:33:17
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up, but not online long, posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 9:59:55
I'll hold your hand too. Love Phillipa
Posted by Damos on April 2, 2006, at 17:16:14
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up, posted by special_k on April 2, 2006, at 7:22:57
> who in their right mind wouldn't just want to get me the f*ck away from them
Me for one. And a heck of a lot of other babblers too.
(((((a_k)))))
(((((Muse/Katie)))))
(((((special_k)))))
(((((w)))))
(((((all of you)))))a_k isn't locked in her room she's with us in our hearts where she'll always be safe and loved and taken care of. No-one will ever hurt her there. A lot of us carry her with us every minute of the day. You all mean the world to us.
We love *YOU*, without condition or expectation. You are stronger than all that has happened to you, so much stronger. Take our hands and let us hold you in the present. Let us hold you for the longest time. Let yourself feel our love soaking into you filling you up. Feel yourself drawing strength from us too.
Special, tell us how we can help you, because we can. Tell us how we can help you take care of Katie and a_k and everyone else. Please keep talking to us. Come to us, be with us in whatever way you can manage, we just want you here. Even if you just need to be small for a while, we'll take good care of you okay. Promise.
You can and will get through this, I know you will. Your favourite T believed in you too, she knew you could do it. You don't need to go backward to make progress. You don't need to relive and re-experience everything, you don't. We all heal in our own time, little bit by little bit. When we are ready and not a minute before.
It feels a lot worse at the moment because so much has changed, and because you've chosen not to do things you used to do to get through. And they are positive, life-affirming choices. Choices to be proud of. You have such a strong and beautiful mind let it be your ally. You can get through this. You can and will, I know it. Try and logically decompress what's happening at the moment. Break it down into bits you can logically work with, it's just too big as it is.
One piece might be minimising & managing stress and anxiety. That's a piece you can work with logically, rationally. And we can help you too. Can you think of other pieces that'll help?
We love you just exactly as you are, we don't need you change in any way to be acceptable to us. We don't need you to do anything other than just be you and just be here.
You have and do help so many of us in so many ways, let us return the love, support and kindness.
((((((((((special))))))))))
Posted by special_k on April 3, 2006, at 2:09:46
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2006, at 8:17:15
hellos :-)
> Hey - please stop apologising. You have no reason to feel badly about what you think and write - they are your thoughts and they belong to you.
sorry. yeah... but they affect other peoples. and sometimes i not so careful with that. unthinking. sorry :-(
> Counselling. How about starting a fresh page - "this is how I and feeling right now". Is it not what are you experiencing at this moment that is causing so much distress to you?
yep.
> Don't feel that you're obliged to put all your past experiences out on the table. It's how you are feleing NOW that is the issue. You have to get through today and today only. Let them ask the questions, Special_K. Try to think in the present moment.
> ((((Special_K))))yeah. ok.
thank you
((((((((((clearskies)))))))))
hope you have a nice day today.
Posted by special_k on April 3, 2006, at 2:14:25
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up, but not online long, posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 9:59:55
> I'm up now, too. It must get really lonely when you're on a completely different time zone than a lot of your friends.
yeah. no fair :-(
> You know, I try to imagine what different types of problems feel like, but DID is really hard. I've read what people post, and I've read about the disorder, but it's hard to imagine what it feels like.
yeah. hard to describe too. 'cause it don't make sense. but i guess that's how it feels a lot of the time. all confused and doesn't make sense. i wonder what it is like to have that disorder where you can still perceive objects but not where they are located in space / spatial relations. i think that's what happens with me but with time / place... and with who i am i think. i dunno. that one is very confusing :-(
> And I would guess that for someone who values and is so skilled with logic, it must be very difficult.
er. not so good with logic really :-(
but yeah drives me f*cking nutso :-(> Because you're right, it doesn't seem to be that logical. I hope that you can find your own meaning and your own logic for it.
mmm. or just stoppit or something.
phoned up and made appoitment. it went ok.
> Try to imagine that we're standing with you as you call, holding your hand, laying a hand gently on your shoulder so you know you are supported and not alone. We're with you in this.
thanks. i did. it helped.
> I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for a good outcome from the call.
:-)
thank you.
Posted by special_k on April 3, 2006, at 2:14:54
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up, but not online long, posted by Phillipa on April 2, 2006, at 12:33:17
thank you :-)
Posted by special_k on April 3, 2006, at 2:22:41
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up » special_k, posted by Damos on April 2, 2006, at 17:16:14
thank you. appoitment went okay.
it was okay. nice lady. they are very booked :-( but they save 4 half hour appoitments for emergency so took one of them otherwise had to wait till tuesday next week. lady was nice. she going to find out about womens health service... i said it is hard for me if i get attached then can't see her anymore :-( so she gonna find out and email me back. can't see me again for a couple weeks 'cause all booked up. she gonna talk to head of centre too. 'bout what to do.
most peoples here doctoral students so no such thing as 'busy times' every time a busy time 'cause of different start dates etc. but maybe i get in to see somebody. maybe. i said about not being a resident and stuff and she said she would see... she wanted to ring up peoples back home to find out 'bout me but i said no please don't. so said i'd talk to her about past stuff if we meet again. she was nice though. said maybe i could see somebody else sooner... seemed like she wanted to see me again. hard though.
yeah i feel very small. very very small. trying to do some work. feel bit better for doing some work. back to it now. sorry. but need to do it. haven't been doing much and need to get back in to it.
feel so very relived and so very tired now.
but it was ok.
it went ok :-)i wish i could find my old t.
have been trying via google.
but don't think she wants to be found :-(
she is still far away though.
'bout 8 hours away
:-(
but i miss her
:-(
Posted by ClearSkies on April 3, 2006, at 4:54:57
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up » Damos, posted by special_k on April 3, 2006, at 2:22:41
And I've got my positive vibes - which are very powerful and effective - being zapped to you.
CS
Posted by special_k on April 3, 2006, at 5:03:18
In reply to I'm glad you saw someone. » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on April 3, 2006, at 4:54:57
i glad too :-)
was real scarey :-(> And I've got my positive vibes - which are very powerful and effective - being zapped to you.
:-)
:-)
:-)
thank you
:-)(((((((((((((((clearskies))))))))))))))))
:-)
Posted by Damos on April 3, 2006, at 17:35:47
In reply to Re: Hey there am finally up » Damos, posted by special_k on April 3, 2006, at 2:22:41
Hey precious girl :-)
I'm glad it went okay. It's nice that she was nice, would have made going a tiny weeny bit easier. Yeah I know attachment is real hard for you, I know it is.
No I don't think she wants to be ringing peoples back home either. Fresh start, clean slate. What you think and feel right here, right now is what matters, not what others thought about you in the past. It's the meaning the past stuff has for you in the present that's important, work with that. It's good you said you'd talk to her about past stuff next time and that she seemed like she wanted to see you again - that's good.
Yeah I though you might be feeling small, and that's okay, I feel that way too sometimes, afraid people will find out that I'm just a scared little kid really. But it's okay we'll take good care of you. Tell us how we can help you feel safe and okay.
Please don't be sorry. Nothing to be sorry for, not now not ever. So much goodness and kindness and sweetness in you. You are such a joy to us and just the bestest friend.
Good you've been able to do a little work, must feel better, moving forward, ease a little of that pressure off. But remember to be kind to you too. Just sit and listen to the birdies, find a nice safe place and lay on the grass under a tree. Stuff just for you, that's important too. You just do what you need to do for you okay, we're here if you need us, and we care lots and lots.
Bet you were relieved, it was a big thing for you to do and I'm real proud of you, musta been scary. After I do scary stuff like presentations I just wanna blob and sleep too, hope you managed to have a good sleep cause that'll help.
Yeah I know you wish you could find her. She really means a lot to you. But she's never left you. She's inside in your heart and in your thoughts and memories. Any time you need her all you have to do is think about what she would have done or said to you in a particular situation and the answers will be there. What's really important is that she believed in you, like we do. Trust you.
(((((special)))))
Posted by muffled on April 4, 2006, at 23:16:22
In reply to Glad it went okay » special_k, posted by Damos on April 3, 2006, at 17:35:47
Not supposed to post.
Sad you so confused.
Its so hard.
But you're all there.
Just temporarily lost.
But they can come back.
But its hard.
Its scarey.
When you don't know why stuff is happening.
Or how to stop it.
Cuz it you.
But its not.
And why can't you change it.
And how can you stop the fear.
confusion.
too much confusion.
I'm there too.
I care about you.
Muffly
(((((((((((((((((you guys)))))))))))))))))
This is the end of the thread.
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