![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 13 to 37 of 47. Go back in thread:
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 11:56:11
In reply to Re: Deneb, posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 9:34:13
> I still think that you like to test your own limitations more than you like the idea of death.
I don't know what I want. I must admit that I probably don't have as much insight as it seems. All the insightful things I've written about myself either come from my p-doc or from things I've read on-line about BPD. I can't take credit for any of it. I just repeat what they say. I don't know if I really understand it.
I do know that I don't want to do bad things to myself when I'm happy and hopeful.
> My perceptions of your posts are always that you want to test the system, test yourself, fly in the face of danger, et cetera.
I think I want to do those things as part of the fantasy world I live in. In reality I'm quite the wimp.
> Sounds, to me, like you are an adrenaline junkie, sweetie! It is an enormous "high" to think about how daring you could be.
I do get a "high" from *imagining* those things. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do them in real life.
> Rather than spending your money on pills for a "cocktail", why don't you sign on to an adventure vacation instead? You know, kayacking on a white-water river, hang-gliding, bungee-jumping, schooner sailing, stuff like that?Sounds really fun...but it could never happen for me. I'm too unmotivated to do anything much.
When I first got really suicidal back in highschool, the guidance counsellor broke confidence and told my parents. I then took a trip with my older cousins to Toronto...I think they thought it would help me. I was really messed up then...I was really really happy sometimes, really happy and suicidal at the same time, sad and suicidal, angry and suicidal etc. I went to Toronto in good spirits, but I think it was too much stress. My cousins introduced me to wine. I tried to climb the suicide barrier at the CN Tower. I cut myself, I almost took an overdose of Ativan (my mom's). I was messed up and homesick.
I think it is a good thing that I cannot make it to the Babble Party this year...I'm still to messed up right now and I don't want to make a fool of myself.
> I think it would help you get the adrenaline "high" you seek as well as the adventuresome side of you being assauged.
I don't know. It might be too much stress for me to experience an "adventure" right now. Then again, who knows who the heck I am anymore? You could be right. I don't know.
Thank-you sunny10
Deneb (u's 2b Shy_Girl ...aka TriggerGirl :-( )
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 12:16:39
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by JenStar on May 27, 2005, at 10:17:12
> It sounds like you want to be cared for, period. You want someone to see that you're in trouble, and be smart, compassionate & quick enough to save you from everything including yourself.
I don't know...you could be right, I'm not sure. My p-doc told me that she couldn't "save" me. I know that. I didn't expect her to "save" me. I'm happy that she agrees with me that it is entirely my choice whether or not to kill myself. She respects my autonomy. I don't expect my family to "save" me either. I don't let them know anything about this side of me. They still do not suspect anything...they don't know about anything, the ODs besides the one that landed me in the hospital, the rope, the calls to the Distress Centre, my appt's etc.
When I ODed, I tried to escape from the hosptial. I refused to take the ambulance but they forced me to. I pulled off my IV line (what a bloody mess) and unhooked myself from the monitors and tried to escape. The nurse threatened me with restraints. I really didn't want any treatment. I don't know why I would want to go through that again. I didn't think my situation was very serious. I still don't. I would have survived.
> I think that you don't really want to hurt yourself, you're just crying out for attention & help. You need someone to baby you, care for you, soothe you. And THAT is understandable, and THAT makes sense.Maybe you're right. I don't know. :-(
My hamster and plush animals soothe me sometimes. I love my hamster, he is soooo soft and cute.
> I just hope you don't take the drugs and actually end up in the hospital. There would be a lot of negatives, like you said. First, you could actually die. Second, you could get admittited to psych again. Third, you'd be doing something you really don't want.Russian Roulette :-(
I'm unlikely to take a serious OD because my Mom is home all the time now. It was really embarrassing to have my whole extended family know about my hospital stay. I wish I lived alone.
> Is there another way you could baby yourself, take care of yourself, without doing damage? Is there a person who could give you some attention & loving? How about your parenst -- could you say, "Mom, I really need some TLC. I'm in a bad place. Can I come over and bring you flowers for your wrist, and then just get some hugs, and sleep on your couch while drinking tea and watching bad daytime television?" Maybe just being around fun people would help.I don't deserve my Mom's love...plus we are not a very affectionate family. I guess we are a bit dysfunctional...I don't know, maybe it's a culture thing. I just want to disappear for a little while...I wish time could stop for the world, then I could do anything I wanted.
> And here's another thought. If you can't go to your Mom's, how about volunteering at a local soup kitchen, shelter, or women's halfway home? Sometimes volunteering brings out strong instincts and feelings of strength and love, and also makes us realize how good we have it after all. That's actually helped me before.I'm too chicken to do any of those things. I'm afraid to talk to people I don't know. I don't know if I'm capable of love.
> In any case, here's a bit of TLC for you over the web. ((((((deneb)))))
>
> Don't take the drugs!Thank-you JenStar for caring
Deneb (u's 2b Shy_Girl)
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 12:45:42
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by JenStar on May 27, 2005, at 10:26:09
My p-doc is on maternity leave. She was like a T. I'm not a student right now so I can't see a T at the university health centre. I don't have money to see a T. I made an appt. with my family doctor for Weds. I want to see if she will give me a med to put me out of my misery.
> If you really, really think you need to hurt yourself, then to to the hospital (without taking the OD) and ask for help.
That would be a silly thing for me to do. I would end up waiting something like 5 or more hours just to have a doctor tell me to make an appt. with my family doc or something. What can going to the hospital do? If I can wait in the hospital for so long without hurting myself, it really isn't an emergency then is it? I saw someone who had to be carried into the emergency department and he had to wait for hours. I wonder why this particular hospital makes people wait for so long...when I went to the hospital, I was seen really quickly and hooked up to monitors. I didn't see any monitors in the emergency room at this hospital. The whole set up was different...people weren't even on beds. There were no beds surrounding a central "hub" with doctors and nurses. Was I in a different part of the emergency department when I ODed?
> Now this will be easy to SAY and harder to DO, but here are things to do instead of SI or OD: Run, jog, bike. Go for a walk, walking hard, for 2-3 miles. Clean the house from top to bottom. Scrub the toilets, wash the windows, vaccum every corner, mop the floor, iron all the clothes. Get rid of your energy through work. Ask your MOm what you can do to help her out, then do it. Go grocery shopping. Shine the shoes.
When I call the Distress Centre, that is always what they tell me to do...they tell me to go exercise.
> You have a ton of negative energy stored up in you, and you need to get it out somehow. A lot of times, work and exercise are great ways to help drive down depression and anxiety, even if it's only temporary.
I will try to do some running today...or perhaps a more reasonable goal would be to just get out of the house.
Thank-you JenStar for helping
Deneb (used to be Shy_Girl aka TriggerGril :-( )
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 13:48:44
In reply to I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger*, posted by Deneb on May 26, 2005, at 20:07:27
I found out what code white means...it means violent person. There must have been a lot of violent people on the psych ward one night. :-(
The ER nurse threatened to call a code on me the next time I tried to escape...would that have been a code white? I wasn't violent though. He wouldn't have really put in restraints would he? I have the right to refuse treatment. What a mean thing to do...he would have traumatized me.
Or maybe a code yellow?...for missing patient?
Are these codes universal?
Lets see,
code red is fire
Code blue is cardiac arrest
code green is evacuation
code white is violent person
code yellow is missing patient
code brown is hazardous spill
code black is bomb threat
code gray is internal disasterDeneb (u's 2b Shy_Girl)
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2005, at 18:40:28
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger*, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 13:48:44
> The ER nurse threatened to call a code on me the next time I tried to escape...would that have been a code white?
If you were physically fighting to escape, yes. If you simply disappeared without anyone seeing, that's a missing patient. By law, the police must be notified, and you will be apprehended.
> I wasn't violent though.
You were on a 72-hour assessment, right?
> He wouldn't have really put in restraints would he?
Without doubt. It is their job.
> I have the right to refuse treatment.
The Mental Health Act over-rides your decisions. That's why I wanted you to read it closely.
Until you have passed the 72-hour hold, you have no rights. Once a doctor declares you a risk to yourself or others, you have to endure the 72-hours (unless the doctor decides to release you).
After 72-hours, if you are then declared an involuntary patient, you may then attempt to re-assert your right to self-determination. The 72-hour law is in place to permit doctors to make expedient decisions about saving you from yourself
.
> What a mean thing to do...he would have traumatized me.You OD'd. I think the trauma was an ongoing situation. Until a doctor ok's your leaving, you will be treated as per doctor's orders. Police will be called, if necessary, to restrain you.
You need to understand the law. Here's the link again:
http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca/DBLaws/Statutes/English/90m07_e.htmRead Regulations 7.2 and 8.1:
http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca/DBLaws/Regs/English/900741_e.htmLar
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 20:34:07
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2005, at 18:40:28
> > The ER nurse threatened to call a code on me the next time I tried to escape...would that have been a code white?
>
> If you were physically fighting to escape, yes. If you simply disappeared without anyone seeing, that's a missing patient. By law, the police must be notified, and you will be apprehended.
>
> > I wasn't violent though.
>
> You were on a 72-hour assessment, right?I hadn't actually been given notice of my assessment yet (form 42) that tells me that I was on a Form 1. They couldn't hold me when I wasn't on a Form 1 yet right?...The police can force me to go to the hospital but they can't force treatment on me.
Ok, under a Form 1:
I "can be detained, restrained, observed and examined in the facility for a maximum of 72 hours." Section 15(5)(b) MHA..."The Form 1 allows a doctor to hold you in a hospital for up to 72 hours to complete a psychiatric assessment. This assessment is to determine whether you require the care and supervision that a psychiatric hospital can provide."
However, the hospital can only detain me for the assessment...this means they cannot treat me against my will right?
Even if they can treat me against my will, they can only treat psychiatric problems and not medical problems...This means that I may not be able to leave because I might harm myself, but that if I take a fatal overdose and refuse treatment they cannot treat me for it correct? Hehe...it's pretty screwy. It's like: Ok you are forced to take ADs, but you can refuse gastric lavage because you still have the right to refuse medical treatment. Am I right or wrong? Or are you simply trying to scare me by saying I will be locked up again?
It is so unfair...unfair, unfair, unfair...all this discrimination against the "mentally ill"...the fact is there is nothing "wrong" with me. Just cuz I want to hurt myself does not mean I'm crazy. I'm not a criminal, but they can still lock me up...it's NOT fair! They're mean! Mean mean mean! They wouldn't let me cross the yellow and black line! It's not fair, I wasn't crazy.
> > He wouldn't have really put in restraints would he?
>
> Without doubt. It is their job.I hadn't been given Form 42 yet. Wouldn't they need the police to restrain me then?
If I ever, ever get restrained, I'm scream Bloody freaking murder! I'll kick and scream and rise freaking hell...that'll show them. They can't do that to me! I'll resist and they will just have to kill me.
I won't be treated that way. I'd rather die! They can't do that to me, I'm not crazy.
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 22:19:59
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Larry Hoover, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 20:34:07
If I take Tylenol 3s with Gravol, will I throw up?
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2005, at 22:34:01
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger*, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 22:19:59
> If I take Tylenol 3s with Gravol, will I throw up?
I suspect that questions such as this one are in the realm of topics that Dr. Bob does not permit on the site. I'm uncomfortable taking this discussion in that direction, in any case.
Lar
Posted by Susan47 on May 27, 2005, at 23:08:57
In reply to I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger*, posted by Deneb on May 26, 2005, at 20:07:27
If you do what you think you might, and OD, and don't die, but you damage your memory or your cognitive function, you might have moments of lucidity afterwards in which you'll wish you had died. THe most precious gift you could have right now would be an appreciation of your present condition. If you lose your cognitive function, you'll be either one of the walking dead (Perhaps lying in a coma), with no memory or awareness of yourself, you might be able to walk or you might have to be wheeled everywhere; at mealtimes you might have to wear a big bib, being spoon-fed like a big ugly baby. There will be very little attractive about you. You may drool. Your brain may be triggered and you may have no control over your sudden fits of heartrending sobbing, wails of despair; you may bang your head endlessly on the table, on the walls; you may soil yourself several times a day, unaware what use a toilet is to you; others will have to bathe you, dress you, and change your diapers. Your brain may be triggered to sudden violence; you may have sudden, angry, superhuman strength, lashing out and grabbing, punching, hitting others. You may be put into the time-out room over and over again; you may become fascinated by a door, standing for long minutes at a time in the same spot, trying again and again to open that door, your brain recognizes it as a door but knows not what to do with that information. You will be a big ugly baby, without the grace of old age on your side.
What a waste not to know what you have right now. Whew.
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 23:13:00
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2005, at 22:34:01
Larry, why did you have to bring that up? I don't want to get blocked...I will be devastated. Why do you assume that my question is not permitted? What will I do when I get blocked?...I do not know, anything is possible. Please Larry, I don't want to get blocked. Please don't make Dr. Bob think my topic is not appropriate by making assumptions.
Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 23:43:49
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Larry Hoover on May 27, 2005, at 22:34:01
You wrote:
>One way to view those altered states, with respect to finding solutions, is to consider them to be places you don't want to go. Like there are neighbourhoods in big cities you just don't want to enter. Recognizing the route you might take to get to one of those neighbourhoods (states of mind), you begin to see when you've begun such a journey. You can intervene. Change the route. Change where you end up.
I want to be normal again. How do I do that?
Posted by Susan47 on May 28, 2005, at 0:26:13
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on May 26, 2005, at 23:57:43
Did the doctor put you on meds? Are you taking them? Are you telling him what you're thinking? Because you probably should tell him or her, your doctor, that is. Your brain chemistry seems totally out of whack, and you seem to be aware of that but also falling into the pit ...
Posted by Susan47 on May 28, 2005, at 0:36:15
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Larry Hoover, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 20:34:07
Something tells me you're really enjoying yourself, now. You like conflict, don't you? The more there is for you to feel you can fight against, the more energized you seem, focussed ... and a lot of what you're saying makes no sense at all.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 8:09:30
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Larry Hoover, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 23:13:00
> Larry, why did you have to bring that up?
Ummm, you brought it up.
> I don't want to get blocked...I will be devastated. Why do you assume that my question is not permitted?
For reasons I stated. It wasn't a blatant violation, but Babble is not to be used to share information that might assist someone in an act of self-harm. And I will not (knowingly) contribute to the knowledge of someone making plans or contemplating such an act.
> What will I do when I get blocked?...I do not know, anything is possible. Please Larry, I don't want to get blocked.
Which is why I warned you before we crossed that delicate line, with certainty.
> Please don't make Dr. Bob think my topic is not appropriate by making assumptions.
That would be his decision.
I'm trying to protect you.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 8:19:11
In reply to Re: Larry, am I in an altered state?, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 23:43:49
> You wrote:
>
> >One way to view those altered states, with respect to finding solutions, is to consider them to be places you don't want to go. Like there are neighbourhoods in big cities you just don't want to enter. Recognizing the route you might take to get to one of those neighbourhoods (states of mind), you begin to see when you've begun such a journey. You can intervene. Change the route. Change where you end up.
>
> I want to be normal again. How do I do that?I certainly had the perception that as this conversation went on, you started to take on the characteristics of the defiant fearless and helpless state. It may seem like a contradition, to have all those three descriptors be true simultaneously, but ultimately, IMHO, it is a feeling of helplessness/fear of it that drives you.
Getting you back to feeling normal is probably a harder task than keeping you from getting to that altered state in the first place.
Medication can be used p.r.n. (as needed), to suppress the altered conciousness, but you'd have to have some insight into your transition to be able to pull that off, without using the meds inappropriately.
I think the best way is to get some counselling, some real goal-directed CBT or DBT counselling, and learn the skills needed to guide your mind where you would rather have it go. And, meds. I know you don't want that, but the doses aren't necessarily huge or anything.
Lar
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 28, 2005, at 13:59:37
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger*, posted by Susan47 on May 28, 2005, at 0:36:15
> Something tells me you're really enjoying yourself, now. You like conflict, don't you? ... and a lot of what you're saying makes no sense at all.
It can be hard if they're feeling self-destructive, but please don't jump to conclusions about others or post anything that could lead them to feel accused or put down.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 16:51:15
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Larry Hoover, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 20:34:07
> > You were on a 72-hour assessment, right?
>
> I hadn't actually been given notice of my assessment yet (form 42) that tells me that I was on a Form 1. They couldn't hold me when I wasn't on a Form 1 yet right?...The police can force me to go to the hospital but they can't force treatment on me.The issuance or completion of a Form 1 authorizes restraint. And, the law recognizes restraint to include chemical restraint. See 53 (2) of the Act.
> Ok, under a Form 1:
> I "can be detained, restrained, observed and examined in the facility for a maximum of 72 hours." Section 15(5)(b) MHA
>
> ..."The Form 1 allows a doctor to hold you in a hospital for up to 72 hours to complete a psychiatric assessment. This assessment is to determine whether you require the care and supervision that a psychiatric hospital can provide."
>
> However, the hospital can only detain me for the assessment...this means they cannot treat me against my will right?Yes, absolutely, treatment can be authorized against your will. That falls under the Health Care Consent Act. http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca/DBLaws/Statutes/English/96h02_e.htm
> Even if they can treat me against my will, they can only treat psychiatric problems and not medical problems...This means that I may not be able to leave because I might harm myself, but that if I take a fatal overdose and refuse treatment they cannot treat me for it correct?
Your impression of the law is quite false. In fact, not only can the doctors treat you without consent, your lack of appreciation of the gravity of failing to consent to treatment might be used as evidence for incapacity.
> Hehe...it's pretty screwy. It's like: Ok you are forced to take ADs, but you can refuse gastric lavage because you still have the right to refuse medical treatment. Am I right or wrong? Or are you simply trying to scare me by saying I will be locked up again?
I would never try to scare you. I'm trying to inform you. You say you didn't like how you were treated this first time. If you return, under similar circumstances, your prior medical history might have a bearing on how they treat you in future.
> It is so unfair...unfair, unfair, unfair...all this discrimination against the "mentally ill"...the fact is there is nothing "wrong" with me. Just cuz I want to hurt myself does not mean I'm crazy. I'm not a criminal, but they can still lock me up...it's NOT fair! They're mean! Mean mean mean! They wouldn't let me cross the yellow and black line! It's not fair, I wasn't crazy.
You can certainly argue that part in court, after the doctors do their duty to save your life, such that you might still have the opportunity to argue the point.
> > > He wouldn't have really put in restraints would he?
> >
> > Without doubt. It is their job.
>
> I hadn't been given Form 42 yet. Wouldn't they need the police to restrain me then?No. From the point of a doctor signing a Form 1, and anything that might follow, restraint is inherently included. If the hospital staff needed more muscle to restrain you, they are permitted to call the police for assistance.
> If I ever, ever get restrained, I'm scream Bloody freaking murder! I'll kick and scream and rise freaking hell...that'll show them. They can't do that to me! I'll resist and they will just have to kill me.
They will likely give you an injection of e.g. haldol. That is chemical restraint, and totally legal.
> I won't be treated that way. I'd rather die! They can't do that to me, I'm not crazy.
I'm informing you of your rights, as founded in law, in Ontario. And, how those rights are abrogated by medical necessity, as authorized by medical doctors.
Lar
Posted by Deneb on May 28, 2005, at 18:19:21
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Larry Hoover on May 28, 2005, at 16:51:15
There is no quiet in my house. I need to be alone, but people always come. My Mom is always home. My little cousins have been coming over every day. My uncle is forcing me to work at his restaurant. I haven't been able to sleep for 3 days.
There is no quiet. I need to be alone. It is too overwhelming for me. I'm so sad right now. I'm getting headaches from being stressed. I want to take my Mom's Tylenol 3's to feel better. I wish I could press pause. I can't take much stress. My cousins finally decided to leave and now I can cry upstairs. My Mom is watching Chinese tapes. She will be home all the time. I need to be alone so I can cry and rest. I'm such a selfish person, I don't even want my Mom around. I have to go for training tomorrow at my uncle's restaurant, I don't want to but I have to. I can't OD and get sick because I have to work there. I can't die because my family needs me right now. I hate this so much...there is no where to go. I hope I die tonight in my sleep...no guilt.
Sorry about being a downer again...I actually thought I was going to be able to keep it together this time. I seriously hope I will learn to get myself under control...I still do want to have an adventure and travel. I remember how excited I was. Anyways, I'm going to have to hope I don't break down or anything...ride through this. I wish for some peace.
jenny
Posted by JenStar on May 28, 2005, at 18:42:07
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger*, posted by Susan47 on May 28, 2005, at 0:36:15
Deneb,
I have to agree that you do seem to get some enjoyment from the attention, maybe from having the people here care for you and offer lots of advice? I'm not saying that's bad at all. We DO care and we want to help you! If the attention helps you, I'm glad. :) All of us need attention from time to time, and if we can help make you feel better, I'm glad to do it. I'm just concerned that our help here is not enough, and that you need professional help too, to get you thru the rough patches.It seems that sometimes you do go into a "state" (I don't really know what to call it) where your posts are first depressed and sad, then action-driven and kind of high on life but also very disregarding of the sanctity of your life. I don't know what your diagnosis is or was, but it does seem to me, from what I can glean from your posts, that you're entering that sort of state where you lose a bit of touch with reality.
It sounds like you're under stress: You're at home all day with mom & cousins, you're starting a job, you feel you can't talk honestly to your family. You mentioned some cultural issues before. I understand if you don't want to share more about that, but I'm really sorry if you can't discuss mental issues with your mom. Is there an issue where your family (you feel) might not respect you, or might not understand about mental illness? If so, I'm very very sorry.
I like you from your posts, and I want you to feel better. Please take care of yourself. If you're a minor or a youth, there are still laws that protect your mental health status. Many of us here take meds to help stabilize our moods, and many of us benefit greatly from them. I am one who benefits from meds! Please don't be afraid to try or take them. Usually they help quite a bit. These are the prescribed meds, I mean, the ones that a doctor orders. Taking "unofficial" meds esp. in high doses is dangerous and will end up hurting you.
please be nice to yourself!
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on May 28, 2005, at 18:48:04
In reply to Re: I am very stressed, posted by Deneb on May 28, 2005, at 18:19:21
hi Deneb,
what kinds of things do you do for relaxation and fun? For example, do you ever jog, or do aerobics? Do you work on puzzles, knit, read books, etc?For me, keeping busy with a fun hobby or good book helps me keep my anxious mind off of my issues and my anxiety. If I'm busy with a task that involved mental concentration, I relax a bit and can "escape" from my ruminations.
It seems that you are prone (like so many of us!) to getting stuck in a mental trap where you focus heavily on your sadness, depression, anxiety, and urges to OD or hurt yourself.
I think meds could help, as could therapy. But if you don't have access right now, it would be beneficial (I think!) to try something new, something to get you out of the house in a safe way. The job might actually HELP - if you're busy all day in a restaurant, you won't be thinking about hurting yourself, and maybe you'll get some satisfaction from a job well done. You'll also be around people all day, and will benefit from the chatter & comeraderie that usually happens between coworkers. Don't knock the job - you said your Uncle is 'forcing' you to work there, but it could actually be very good for you!
what do you think about that? Do you think the job could help at all? Do you have any activities or hobbies that help you keep your mind occupied?
Take care!
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on May 28, 2005, at 18:52:50
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger*, posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 22:19:59
Deneb,
the site forbids us (wisely) to discuss and share ways to hurt ourselves or cause damage to ourselves. I don't think your question as written was explicit enough to warrant a block, so don't fret about it, OK? Just keep in mind that this kind of question isn't appropriate for the board. We're really here to focus on feeling better, helping ourselves and each other. It's not a place to share tips on how to become sicker or cause ourselves issues.Why do you want to throw up? (We can definitely talk about WHY you want to do it!)
JenStar
Posted by Deneb on May 28, 2005, at 19:12:46
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by JenStar on May 28, 2005, at 18:52:50
> Why do you want to throw up? (We can definitely talk about WHY you want to do it!)
Sorry, I think I worded my question the wrong way. I *don't* want to throw up. I was wondering if Gravol would prevent me from throwing up like my Mom did when she was given Tylenol 3s in the hospital.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 19:34:42
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » JenStar, posted by Deneb on May 28, 2005, at 19:12:46
I would suggest you have a good hard think...
About how much it would hurt your mother / sister to know you are playing around with this sort of sh*t
About how much it would hurt them and yourself if you turn yourself into a vegetable or something.Really think about that
Really think about it.Sometimes the only way we can get out of our own bad space is to start thinking a little more about other people.
And about how what we do / say impacts on them.
How would you feel if someone joined in this thread
Started chatting with you about ways to OD
They did it
Ended up with severe liver damage???
If you are looking for a way to get back on track then I'm there for you
But if you insist on going this way
then I'm not going to be there beside youNot for worlds
I'm not getting back into this mindset
I will not let this way of thinking get its grip on me again.I choose to think about what I can do to help people
To make their life a little better
Then when I am going through something hard
They may choose to help me outBut I can't try and help someone who is determined to stay within that frame of mind
Where other people don't matter
And where the words of people who are trying to help
Just roll off ones backIt is no fun feeling like one is talking to a brick wall
And there is a risk to me of reading these posts
That that pov will get its hold on me again.
Posted by Deneb on May 28, 2005, at 19:43:18
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 19:34:42
> But I can't try and help someone who is determined to stay within that frame of mind
> Where other people don't matter
> And where the words of people who are trying to help
> Just roll off ones backI'm not determined...I asked how I can be normal again. I don't like being this way. What people say does matter, I appreciate their advice, whether it helps me or not. I don't know how to be normal again and I'm sorry. I will bring this elsewhere if I am harming others. I'm very sorry.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 20:37:12
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on May 28, 2005, at 19:43:18
> > But I can't try and help someone who is determined to stay within that frame of mind
> > Where other people don't matter
> > And where the words of people who are trying to help
> > Just roll off ones back
>
> I'm not determined...I asked how I can be normal again. I don't like being this way.I know you don't like feeling that way.
But what about the urges?
And the ruminating on what has happened in past OD's and what might happen in future OD's?
And the messing around with taking different sorts of medications?Because thinking about that kind of stuff
And resisting ways in which you can stop thinking about that kind of stuffReally doesn't help you feel any better.
JenStar has posted some really good advice...
And Susan was trying to help you see that messing around with meds is only going to make things worse...Its more about trying to take some of that stuff on board
To really think about it
To try and not stay in that bad placeRather than reading what people have to say and going on your merry way
Wondering about what would happen if you did this or that
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