Posted by Deneb on May 27, 2005, at 12:16:39
In reply to Re: I feel like doing a bad bad thing *trigger* » Deneb, posted by JenStar on May 27, 2005, at 10:17:12
> It sounds like you want to be cared for, period. You want someone to see that you're in trouble, and be smart, compassionate & quick enough to save you from everything including yourself.
I don't know...you could be right, I'm not sure. My p-doc told me that she couldn't "save" me. I know that. I didn't expect her to "save" me. I'm happy that she agrees with me that it is entirely my choice whether or not to kill myself. She respects my autonomy. I don't expect my family to "save" me either. I don't let them know anything about this side of me. They still do not suspect anything...they don't know about anything, the ODs besides the one that landed me in the hospital, the rope, the calls to the Distress Centre, my appt's etc.
When I ODed, I tried to escape from the hosptial. I refused to take the ambulance but they forced me to. I pulled off my IV line (what a bloody mess) and unhooked myself from the monitors and tried to escape. The nurse threatened me with restraints. I really didn't want any treatment. I don't know why I would want to go through that again. I didn't think my situation was very serious. I still don't. I would have survived.
> I think that you don't really want to hurt yourself, you're just crying out for attention & help. You need someone to baby you, care for you, soothe you. And THAT is understandable, and THAT makes sense.Maybe you're right. I don't know. :-(
My hamster and plush animals soothe me sometimes. I love my hamster, he is soooo soft and cute.
> I just hope you don't take the drugs and actually end up in the hospital. There would be a lot of negatives, like you said. First, you could actually die. Second, you could get admittited to psych again. Third, you'd be doing something you really don't want.Russian Roulette :-(
I'm unlikely to take a serious OD because my Mom is home all the time now. It was really embarrassing to have my whole extended family know about my hospital stay. I wish I lived alone.
> Is there another way you could baby yourself, take care of yourself, without doing damage? Is there a person who could give you some attention & loving? How about your parenst -- could you say, "Mom, I really need some TLC. I'm in a bad place. Can I come over and bring you flowers for your wrist, and then just get some hugs, and sleep on your couch while drinking tea and watching bad daytime television?" Maybe just being around fun people would help.I don't deserve my Mom's love...plus we are not a very affectionate family. I guess we are a bit dysfunctional...I don't know, maybe it's a culture thing. I just want to disappear for a little while...I wish time could stop for the world, then I could do anything I wanted.
> And here's another thought. If you can't go to your Mom's, how about volunteering at a local soup kitchen, shelter, or women's halfway home? Sometimes volunteering brings out strong instincts and feelings of strength and love, and also makes us realize how good we have it after all. That's actually helped me before.I'm too chicken to do any of those things. I'm afraid to talk to people I don't know. I don't know if I'm capable of love.
> In any case, here's a bit of TLC for you over the web. ((((((deneb)))))
>
> Don't take the drugs!Thank-you JenStar for caring
Deneb (u's 2b Shy_Girl)
poster:Deneb
thread:503343
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050525/msgs/503666.html