![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 78 to 102 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 21:08:55
In reply to Dear diary May 1, posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
Good news! The gray kitty seems to have recovered. He showed up for breakfast so I knew he was better. Last night he hid under the spare bed and growled whenever I touched him; tonight sat in my lap.
It was hot today, which makes me feel weak and dizzy, but I drank some of the truly disgusting electrolyte solution my internist recommended and didn't feel too bad. Right now it's raining--one of the tropical downpours I never saw in California--which usually means it will cool off. If it doesn't it will be time for the AC. Time between heat off and AC on is about 30 days in this climate.
I love the way it smells when it rains, and the way the wind chimes sound.
Today we had the usual Sunday School/grocery shopping. Since my son cleaned the bathroom I told him he could invite a friend over. He actually got two--his regular best buddy, and his newer friend Louis, who has bipolar disorder. His mom and I had a talk about meds ("Risperdal? Why I take that!") Louis seems like a nice kid but his mom says he has a problem with anger, and doing things like simply getting out of bed. (He's also 5'9" at the age of 13. Are males getting bigger?) Good thing I got an extra quart of milk.
My son must have grown an inch in 2 weeks. He is now taller than I am.
I'm sorting through my fabric collection. I'm actually giving a little bit away. It's getting all organized into bins and baskets (Asian, African, solid, printed, scraps, silk, knits...) I want to start a couple of projects. Does it really make sense to do that when I'm about to move?
I talked to my husband a little bit. He seems pretty upbeat. So much nicer than last Sunday.
Thought of the day: I know I'm not as depressed when I think about what I'm doing, not about how I feel.
I'm trying to chat on PB Open, but it's not working. Dinah signed on while I was on the phone, and now she's not responding--probably got distracted too. Yahoo is just plain funky. It gets so slow, and boots people off whenever it feels like it.
Now Dinah's gone too. I'm all alone on Open. Someone show up, please, while I get something to drink.
Oh well.
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 21:58:52
In reply to Dear diary May 2, posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 21:08:55
Sometimes keeping a diary is tiresome. Every day, I have to think of something to say. Aliens landed today. I'm a paragon of stability compared to every one of other Babblers. I never tell a lie.
The point is to have keep a record of how I feel, and secondly what I've been up.
I got to bed earlier (about 11) but I didn't sleep well, and I woke up at about 5:30 AM. It got cold overnight, and stayed cool and rainy all day. I'd rather have it cool, but I like it when I can leave the dishes in the drainer and they dry by themselves. It was so damp today that the dishes didn't want to get dry. I hate drying them with a cloth.
I did a couple of chores I've been putting off, but I'm still procrastinating about a couple of things. Legal stuff having to do with my father's estate.
I was anxious in the afternoon, but for only a couple of hours. I was looking at a picture of a fashion model and the thought of my 50th birthday (this month) intruded. I'm having a hard time dealing with being middle aged. Maybe it was that, maybe I had too much coffee, maybe it was the aliens...who knows?
Anyway, it lasted only a couple of hours. I hate the feeling of being okay, more or less, and then being not-okay, and not knowing how to deal with it, or if it's going to stop, or if it means I'm going downhill again.
I was supposed to go to the thrift store with a friend, but she didn't call until way late. I thought she had forgotten, or was just blowing me off, but she had just gotten home late. It was drippy all day today, anyway--not the best day to haul donations into the store. We've rescheduled for tomorrow.
It's strange--I'll be doing things around the house, and something will strike me as interesting, and I'll think, "I'll put that in my diary", but by the time I come to write it down I'll have forgotten it.
Posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
In reply to Dear diary May 3, posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 21:58:52
Today was better than yesterday. I think I'm better, I think I'm better, I think I'm better, in a mild sort of way. I can *do* things again. Not everything, not totally, not perfectly, but I've been doing things I couldn't have done 2 weeks ago.
I took a carload of stuff to the thrift store. I walked around and priced things for tax purposes. I called people about rentals in San Francisco. I called the moving company.
I'm trying to eat better, and trying to take my vitamins every day.
I stayed up late last night and ate unhealthy food. I woke up late, too, and almost forgot to take my meds. I finally got around to calling my friend so we could go to the thrift store together, but she wasn't home, and I decided to go anyway. I got an estimate for all my father's stuff that I donated--about $1800! I 'm not sure how that works tax-wise, but it seems worth it.
I'll go back tomorrow or Thursday and get more info. for my own tax return. I'm so anal I can't just guess. I need facts.
Being in the thrift store triggered some anxiety. My task seems overwhelming, plus I saw an extremely ugly "World's Best Grandma" statuette. It just brought up thoughts about being old. But the anxiety wasn't as bad as yesterday.
I told my husband how nice he is to me. I was thinking about it because I gassed up my van today. The little door over the gas cap used to be stuck all the time, and he fixed it for me.
I found a terrific website on self-injury, called secret shame, that included a quote that other Babblers have picked up on. I love finding information. Here's the URL, if you didn't see it on PB-psychology:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.htmlSomething disgusting--I peed in my pants when I sneezed. Kegel exercises, here I come. It bothers me, but maybe not as much as it would have a couple of weeks ago. Or else I'm just avoiding the issue. Another "I'm getting old" thing.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:08:15
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
Hi I never read your diary before and know I can'tkeep up but I had to say I think its cool and that its nice you are making progress..I was touched you told hubbby he is nice..we all need to take time out to do that kinda thing..
HUGS AND GREAT DIARY
Posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 6:44:00
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 4 » Ilene, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:08:15
Posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2004, at 7:42:09
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
There was an article in a very recent time magazine about the importance of Kegelling. You might want to find it - it will make you feel much less alone.
P.S. My doctor suggested Kegelling when I drive - everytime you stop the car (at a stop sign or traffic light etc), you have to Kegel until you are moving again. I'm trying to remember!
P.P.S. I think that all women should Kegel on a regular basis - it is much better to stay in shape than to need to get *back* in shape...
Posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 22:27:51
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
Blazing bladders, Batman, I got another icky infection. My nice internist called Cipro into the pharmacy. He's not making me go into the office to pee in a cup. He said the bug that was behind my last bout was sensitive to every known antibiotic, even penicillin. I said I thought that was because I get my meat and poultry from Whole Foods because I don't want antibiotic resistance. Must've worked.
The inflammation could be the cause of the disgusting thing that happened last night. I'm going to keep Kegeling anyway. Can't hurt.
I went to the Textile Museum today and had them give me some information about two Chinese ethnic minority textiles I bought last summer in San Francisco. They do consultations the first Wednesday of every month for--get this--$5. I found out what group made these items (a Zhuang or Miao baby carrier, and a Miao collar, just so you'll know) and approximately when (about 50 or 60 years ago), and how to display and care for them. Now that I'm finally feeling up to getting out and doing things like this, and taking advantage of what Washington has to offer, I'm about to move.
I saw my pdoc this afternoon. We talked about whether the Cytomel would work by itself (probably not). I asked her why we hadn't done this two years ago. She actually took the question seriously after I half-apologized for expecting perfection. She said it was a good question, but she didn't exactly answer it.
She lent me a book called "Women Who Think Too Much", which sounds like women just like me--just think ourselves down into the ground.
She still wants me to get a psychopharm consult. We went over the drugs I took and how I responded. Her impressions were somewhat more positive than mine. I told her that, and she said she would put that in the file. I like the way she pays attention to what I think.
This week's diary installment was funny, too. She's just easily amused, I guess. She highlighted the part of my diary where I said that non-depressed people think about what they're doing, not how they're feeling.
Belatedly realized I didn't have a card for my son to send to his grandma (my MIL--my own mother is dead), so we took a nice little walk to the drugstore. It was fun teasing and joking with him, but not-fun too. It's hard to explain. I feel better, but not *better enough*. I was conscious of myself, as I had written. It was like being undepressed was always going to be an asymptote. I am never going to reach it.
Someone--Plato, maybe--wrote, "The good is the enemy of the best". I used to read that as meaning that being satisfied with the merely "good" prevents us from doing better, but now I read it to mean that striving for "best" prevents us from being satisfied with "good enough", which is usually what we've got right in front of us, AKA "the grass is always greener on the other side". If I were satisfied, I'd be satisfied. Sometimes I think that the experience of profound depression for a long time is as bad as the depression itself. It's like if you're very sick or injured physically, and have time to think about mortality, you experience more than the pain of being sick.
Posted by Ilene on May 6, 2004, at 22:38:13
In reply to Dear diary May 5, posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 22:27:51
I can't tell if I'm in a holding pattern or if things are continuing to get better. I still get anxious, usually at about 3PM. I can't tell if there's a physiological reason, if it's just a slump time, or if I've usually been exposed to enough stressors by that time of day that I begin to react. I IM'd my husband and we chatted about it, which helped me.
My friend Loni--the one who was all gung-ho about going to the thrift store with me, but then flaked out--stopped by and we spent about 2 hours talking. She has thyroid disease and said it took about 6 weeks of hormone treatment before she felt all the way better. I wonder if this means I'll continue to feel better on thyroid hormone too.
In the morning my husband and I had a rational discussion of his depression and anxiety. The worst part is that he's been talking to our daughter about "jumping off the bridge". I told him he can't do that. A parent cannot talk to a teenager about suicidal feelings, even if they are transient and not serious.
I got some little reports from my son's teachers. He's not doing well. I got mad at him. (It's usually hard for me to get very angry at him, because he hardly ever gets angry at me.) I've been asking him about homework and reminding him to do it, and either he's been lying to me or completely forgetting about it. Probably some of both. But he sat down and started working on a graph for science--he even asked me for some help--and didn't complain when I told him he couldn't go to his gaming club tonight.
Great news! He got into the high school in San Francisco that had him wait-listed. I was *so worried* that he wouldn't get in and would have to go to public school there. I've heard universally bad things about the public schools. This school does have "concerns" about his academic performance.
I think he is showing some signs of being less forgetful. I hope that means the Strattera is having some effect. It could be wishful thinking, though.
It's a great change to have some good news for once--esp. after my daughter was rejected from the colleges she applied to, and lost her job.
Posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
In reply to Dear diary May 6, posted by Ilene on May 6, 2004, at 22:38:13
Well, today was stressful and I was anxious for most of it. So much for yesterday's theories. I'm trying to get ready for tomorrow's trip to San Francisco (I'll be gone for a week, probably won't be posting, but one never knows). I even took some Klonopin.
My pattern is that I don't know what to start doing--I can think of several things at once. Sometimes I run from one to the other and don't finish any of them. What helps is to write a list and check things off. Just sitting down and making the list is a stress reliever.
Another thing that happens is that I feel *so stressed* I have to distract myself for a while. I have a hard time balancing these two things. If I distract myself--not always possible--then I don't finish what I need to do, but sometimes the task is just too daunting.
Yet another thing is that anxiety begets anxiety. I start berating myself for things I didn't do last year, or the year before, or the year before....
And the drugstore didn't have one of my meds, which means I'm going to have to go to a different one tomorrow morning. Just the thing on a day when I need to get to the airport.
I'm feeling a little estranged from PB right now. Just don't feel like jumping into any of the threads. I've tried to get on Open several times over the past few days, but either no one's been there, or the damn thing won't let me on, or refuses to acknowledge my existence. I'd like to now...maybe I will...it would be a time suck, though. I'm just feeling grouchy.
Posted by fallsfall on May 8, 2004, at 7:48:20
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
Ilene,
I hope you have a really good trip. Public libraries should have a computer you can use - and they are nice and quiet (except for those noisy librarians), a good way to escape for a minute if you need to.
I can relate to the rest of your post. Except sometimes making a list makes it all seem too much - it depends. I have to limit the list to things I can get done that day, usually. And the distraction vs. accomplishing thing can be so confusing and complex. Try, try, try to forgive yourself for the past.
Are you sure you can't get your regular meds? Can you go to a different pharmacy? This might be worth a bit of time and effort (just my opinion).
Best luck with the house hunting and seeing daughter and husband. Is son going with you?
Bon Voyage!
Posted by ilene on May 11, 2004, at 12:38:18
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
test
Posted by gardenergirl on May 11, 2004, at 23:07:52
In reply to Test, posted by ilene on May 11, 2004, at 12:38:18
Posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 20:09:19
In reply to A+, You passed! :) (nm) » ilene, posted by gardenergirl on May 11, 2004, at 23:07:52
Someone has school on the brain.
Posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 21:50:32
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
I got back from San Francisco late last night, daughter in tow. I had a pretty good trip, except for self-inflicted anxiety and depression. My CFS flared up on Thursday, but I still managed to have lunch with a friend and even do a little walking. I had to go home and take a nap after that.
I looked at two houses, one townhouse, and one apartment. There's one house we really want, but we couldn't sign the lease. They want to see our credit report first. I offered to pay the deposit in full. I'm worried, because the credit report is less than perfect. It's been perfect since I took over paying the bills last September, though.
This house is in the fog belt. I don't know if it's the best place for a depressed person. I suppose I could try getting full-spectrum lights if the grey gets too bad.
Today hasn't been so great, but I think travel and change do that to me. I think I will stop here and continue tomorrow.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 17, 2004, at 7:38:18
In reply to Re: A+, You passed! :) » gardenergirl, posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 20:09:19
Sorry, couldn't resist, but you are right about school. I think if I could shake my head like my dog, data would fly out of my ears.
Sounds like your trip to SF went okay, all things considered. I think your idea about full-spectrum lights is a great one. I know I need a lot of light, too. I can't stand gloomy. I always open the curtains and blinds in our family room, which gets morning light, and my hubby always closes them because of the glare on the TV. Where are his priorities??? :)
Take care. Hope you recover from the flare up soon!
gg
Posted by Ilene on May 17, 2004, at 22:29:01
In reply to Dear diary May 16, posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 21:50:32
Today was better than yesterday. I better discuss yesterday before I get any further. . . The alarm woke me up at 7 AM but I managed to get some more sleep. I puttered around all morning and took a late shower. Just as I wrapped myself in my kimono I got a call from my son's friend L. (this kid is probably bipolar, BTW) Turns out my son had arranged for his group in his TV production class to come over and film at our house. However, my son was on a sailboat in the Chesapeake Bay at the time. L. and I figured out that he could do the filming because he needed the house as a set, not my son as an actor. Then the doorbell rang, and I was standing out on the porch, talking to a strange man, wearing nothing but my kimono, explaining the filming situation. Everything ended up okay, except I was late picking up my son. It made me anxious enough for long enough that I took some Klonopin, which didn't help much. Maybe it works better if I can take it before I get anxious.
My son didn't have a good explanation for why he thought he could be two places at once, other than that he forgot he had a field trip, or why he failed to discuss his plans with a responsible adult. He had a bright red sunburn even though he says he put on sunscreen. (We're all redheads.) He also said he felt sick. Sure enough, he was sick this morning and spent most of the day in bed.
More about San Francisco--did I say that my husband had to leave our son with friends most of the week? He forgot to cancel the boy's pdoc appt, and he forgot to pay the bills. I had the checks all made out; they just needed to be signed and popped in their envelopes. I called the pdoc and apologized when I found out my husband hadn't cancelled, so today I left a message asking to resched. Also paid the bills. One was due today, damn it.
Filled out the tuition forms and wrote a check for the tuition deposit for my son's outrageously expensive high school; sent the forms to my husband for his signature. (This is coming out of what I inherited from my father.) Can you tell I'm the one who's taken over the money?
Took my daughter and her friend over to the Value Village while I walked around trying to figure out what my donations were worth, until the manager asked me what I was doing. "We don't like people doing surveys in here," he said. (I wonder what harm it would do?) He said the IRS will audit me if I claim more than $500. He is, of course, full of it. I guess it's unusual to be so exacting about evaluating donations.
Took the girls over to another friend's house. His mom was there, so we all socialized for a while. I don't get enough of that.
Despite staying busy it wasn't such a great day. I think I've plateaued on my thyroid med. I'm going to see a psychopharmacologist tomorrow. It's going to cost a lot of money. I wonder if he will have anything new to say.
Posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
In reply to Dear diary May 17, posted by Ilene on May 17, 2004, at 22:29:01
The most significant thing that happened today was that I saw a psychopharmacologist. He thinks I should increase the cytomel, even to the point of slight hyperthyroidism. I'd already decided to ask for an increase. He also thinks I should replace the Risperdal with Zyprexa and the Klonopin with Xanax. I could go with that, except for the possibility of weight gain and diabetes with Zyprexa. He thinks I might do better on good ol' Prozac than Marplan. Not only does Marplan have dietary restrictions, but the number of ADs you can use with it are limited. Then he thinks I could try Lamictal again, and Wellbutrin....
And *then* he thinks I should start cutting back.
I think this is pretty interesting, but I'm not sure how much I should do a month before I'm planning to move.
He gave the names of a couple of psychopharmacologists who *might* be in San Francisco. I can't find either of them online.
Other than that--almost finished with figuring out how much our donations to Value Village are worth. Finally got out to Trader Joe's for groceries. Set up a tentative date for my son and his friend L. to see Gojira (Japanese version of "Godzilla").
Posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 22:51:18
In reply to Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
> The most significant thing that happened today was that I saw a psychopharmacologist. He thinks I should increase the cytomel, even to the point of slight hyperthyroidism. I'd already decided to ask for an increase. He also thinks I should replace the Risperdal with Zyprexa and the Klonopin with Xanax. I could go with that, except for the possibility of weight gain and diabetes with Zyprexa. He thinks I might do better on good ol' Prozac than Marplan. Not only does Marplan have dietary restrictions, but the number of ADs you can use with it are limited. Then he thinks I could try Lamictal again, and Wellbutrin....
>
> And *then* he thinks I should start cutting back.
>
> I think this is pretty interesting, but I'm not sure how much I should do a month before I'm planning to move.
>
> He gave the names of a couple of psychopharmacologists who *might* be in San Francisco. I can't find either of them online.
>
> Other than that--almost finished with figuring out how much our donations to Value Village are worth. Finally got out to Trader Joe's for groceries. Set up a tentative date for my son and his friend L. to see Gojira (Japanese version of "Godzilla").Ilene
Sounds to me that he is going around in circles on what you should or shouldn't be doing with your meds. Doesn't look like he can make a decision. I HATE med changes and I'm about to go through them again too. ugh!!! Did you come to any decision on your meds yet? I don't think I'd be making too many changes before your move. It might be better to wait till you get to your new place and then make the decision with whoever you will be seeing there. He may have a totally different opinion. JMHO!!!
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 9:35:41
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 22:51:18
> Ilene
>
> Sounds to me that he is going around in circles on what you should or shouldn't be doing with your meds. Doesn't look like he can make a decision. I HATE med changes and I'm about to go through them again too. ugh!!! Did you come to any decision on your meds yet? I don't think I'd be making too many changes before your move. It might be better to wait till you get to your new place and then make the decision with whoever you will be seeing there. He may have a totally different opinion. JMHO!!!
>
> Angel GirlI'd already decided to ask for an increase in the Cytomel. I haven't gotten any side effects, and it's helped more than anything. The Zyprexa and Xanax are so similar to Risperdal and Klonopin that I don't think it will be a problem. Getting off Marplan is probably going to require a taper, so I think I will wait until my life is more stable (ha!).
I've been the one pushing my current pdoc to try new things. It was my idea to go on an MAOI, and my idea to go on Cytomel. She's not very aggressive w/ the meds. She wanted me to get a 2nd opinion because she feels out of her depth. If I can, I'll get a pdoc who's into psychopharmacology, but I can't find either of the docs that were recommended.
Posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 22:56:55
In reply to Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
I'm feeling a little crabby. I just don't want to write in my diary no more. Nyaah. It's getting so tedious.
Ho hum. What did we do today? We slept late. We turned off the alarm, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Then we got up, farted around on the computer, got dressed, and went to see the pdoc. The psychopharmacologist faxed her his suggestions, which we went over. She thinks it would be a good idea to substitute Xanax XR (or whatever the extended release is called) for Klonopin. She can't give me any samples because it's a controlled substance, but I can get freebies at the pharmacy. Isn't marketing a wonderful thing? She's not so sure of the virtues of Zyprexa over Risperdal; or rather, she's worried about the potential for weight gain/diabetes w/ Zyprexa. We both think increasing the Cytomel is a good idea, and I have some script for it.
Neither of us thinks that tapering off Marplan is a good idea right now. I'll wait until I get to California.
I'm borrowing "Women Who Think Too Much" for another week. I'm not too impressed--lots of anecdotes, little in the way of fixes--but I want to give it another chance. (Okay, so I ruminate. Make me stop. I dare you.)
I found one of the pdocs the psychopharm. recommended in my pdoc's APA directory. I was spelling his name wrong, and he's at Stanford, not in SF. Stanford is a reasonable distance and a pretty drive. You get to go right along the San Andreas fault.
Then I invited my daughter's friend who sews to go fabric shopping. I'm looking for fabulous African fabric, but I can't find anything fabulous enough. A few "almosts", but nothing wonderfully wierd enough. There's a store in Virginia I know of--is crossing state lines in pursuit of fabric a punishable offense?
Then I came home and worked on pulling together some information for the tax man.
Posted by Ilene on May 20, 2004, at 19:19:50
In reply to Dear diary May 19, posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 22:56:55
Today we (the Royal We) got up when the alarm went off. Did not roll over and go back to sleep. Consequently I am tired now.
Decided to take Klonopin. The psychopharm said something about getting the anxiety to go away by taking anti-anxiety drugs for long enough to "dampen" the response. I wonder if that's true. I feel calmer, anyway. Took it twice today.
Even managed to iron some clothes before getting a thyroid test, and another urine test because things haven't been feeling right down there.
Got all the estimates done for *all* the charitable contributions for the taxes. It's easier to guesstimate now.
Trying to get my husband to relax. His anxiety is worse than mine, I think, and he doesn't have any techniques to deal with it. He's worried about having a place to live--he can't the uncertainty. I'm more or less reconciled to it. Right now I need to make plans, and he's not much use. He can't make decisions.
He won't take care of himself. He won't work out, he won't find a pdoc, he won't do anything but work and worry, because "he doesn't have time". He's always worrying about his effin' job. He's afraid he's going to get fired, when the reverse is more likely to be true.
I don't feel like I can do much for him, because I know that my own thoughts and emotions often run on two different rail lines. At the same time, his depression and anxiety infect me like nothing else.
My daughter is in a snit because I won't get in touch with one of her old teachers for her. I told her she has to try doing it herself first. She claims it won't work. (I don't know if it would work if I did it either--the schools here are astonishingly unresponsive to parental requests.) But it's important for her to see if she can do it herself first, even if she is shy. Now she's just in a global snit and doesn't even want to wish her grandmother happy birthday.
Oh yeah--that's another thing--today is grandma's birthday. Do you think I got any warning from my husband? Argh.
I got ahold of a psychiatrist at Stanford University by e-mail. He says he treats people w/ bipolar disorder. I don't know if I have bipolar disorder or not. I certainly don't respond to ADs. At least I have a phone number for the mood disorders clinic at Stanford.
Need to do: straighten things out with the moving company. Do the paperwork to change the life insurance my father had on my husband over to me (I started this right before I went into the hospital in March, and dropped the ball). Get everything else changed over to my name--should be only a couple of things left. Procrastination at it's finest.
What else--call my dad's GF. Do laundry. Really, not insurmountable. Will do tomorrow.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 10:54:00
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 9:35:41
> I'd already decided to ask for an increase in the Cytomel. I haven't gotten any side effects, and it's helped more than anything. The Zyprexa and Xanax are so similar to Risperdal and Klonopin that I don't think it will be a problem. Getting off Marplan is probably going to require a taper, so I think I will wait until my life is more stable (ha!).
>
> I've been the one pushing my current pdoc to try new things. It was my idea to go on an MAOI, and my idea to go on Cytomel. She's not very aggressive w/ the meds. She wanted me to get a 2nd opinion because she feels out of her depth. If I can, I'll get a pdoc who's into psychopharmacology, but I can't find either of the docs that were recommended.
IleneActually I was thinking of going for a 2nd opinion myself. My current meds are not really working for me. I've had no improvement whatsoever in the last 2 years. They worked originally to bring out of feeling extremely suicidal and out of deep depression but I'm still depressed and don't handle relationships very well at all. I'm also somewhat of a recluse so my family is really getting on my case about that. They say it's not normal and are urging me to get into one on one therapy, which I'm currently looking for. I do go to group therapy right now and that's helping but my individual problems aren't discussed. It is like a seminar type therapy where you learn coping skills for different aspects of your life. Next subject we're going to do is relaxation techniques. Right now, mine is heading for the Xanas. hahaha!!! Not the best, I know, but it's working for me at the moment.
Why do you say that Klonopin and Xanax are basically the same. I take Klonopin for Restless Leg Syndrome, 3X daily and I take Xanax as required for panic attacks. Klonopin doesn't do anything for me in that regard.
What is Cytomel?
What is your diagnosis and what meds are you currently taking and what are they supposed to do for you?
My pdoc is contemplating adding more meds. I'm BPII and some of the ones you are taking, I'm already taking or she is considering, although I don't understand why. I'd like to hear about yours if you don't mind, like what you're taking and why.
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 21, 2004, at 22:26:07
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 10:54:00
> Why do you say that Klonopin and Xanax are basically the same. I take Klonopin for Restless Leg Syndrome, 3X daily and I take Xanax as required for panic attacks. Klonopin doesn't do anything for me in that regard.
>Xanax and Klonopin are both benzodiazepine drugs. Like ADs of the same type they have similar (not identical) effects, and can be substituted for each other to treat certain conditions. I use Klonopin for anxiety. Xanax should work about as well, but is supposed to be less sedating, so I could use more of it.
> What is Cytomel?
It's a type of thyroid hormone, also known as T3. It's sometimes used to augment ADs.
>
> What is your diagnosis and what meds are you currently taking and what are they supposed to do for you?I have "major depressive disorder"--probably unipolar depression, but possibly well-disguised bipolar disorder, since ADs don't do it for me anymore. I also have GAD.
My psychiatric meds are Marplan, a MAOI AD; Risperdal, an antipsychotic that helps with "rumination", irritability, and anxiety; Neurontin, which helps me sleep and supposedly helps the anxiety; Klonopin, for anxiety; and Cytomel, to boost the AD.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, which is triggered by a condition called neurally mediated hypotension. This is caused by a dysfunction in my autonomic nervous system and makes my blood pressure drop. It's complicated and not very well understood. I take a drug called Florinef, which helps me retain water so my blood pressure stays up. I also drink coffee, because I like it and because it raises my blood pressure. I drink a repulsive potion called E-lyte that contains physiologically-active minerals called electrolytes (sodium, calcium, magnesium, etc.) Like table salt, these help hold fluid in my body.
>
> My pdoc is contemplating adding more meds. I'm BPII and some of the ones you are taking, I'm already taking or she is considering, although I don't understand why. I'd like to hear about yours if you don't mind, like what you're taking and why.
>
>
The best place to get those questions answered in on the meds board (just plain Psychobabble).I.
Posted by Ilene on May 21, 2004, at 23:14:56
In reply to Dear diary May 20, posted by Ilene on May 20, 2004, at 19:19:50
I did a lot of things today! First off, took Klonopin with the rest of my morning meds. Felt mellower. Had some breakthrough anxiety between about 2 and 3. Took more K. at about 3 PM.
Cleaned the powder room where the cat box lives. Gave the cat box a scrub.
Lay down to rest my feet.
My new landlady called. No problems with our less than perfect credit report. She wants some other info since we have no "references" (i.e. we own our own home, which we are selling), such as family members, old friends. Told her my closest family member lives in South America (true). Will send my husband's parents' address, friends' addresses. She wants my husband's landord's name, but he is merely subletting the apt., and we don't know where he is.
Had a long discussion about the mass in her head and the pig's heart valve she's got, instead of her own.
Got my daughter to go up on the roof with me. We swept the oak pollen tendrils (there's gotta be a better name for these things--what turns everything yellow-green) and cleaned out the gutters, except the downspouts look kind of clogged. Got all sweaty, but not dizzy, hurray.
Took a bath. Found twigs in the bathwater.
Gave my daughter a ride to meet her friends.
Went to the store to buy groceries for dinner.
Returned phone call left by my son. He was at his friend L's house; invited L for dinner, and asked them to call when a parent showed up.
Called the moving company and rescheduled our move.
Called the mood disorders clinic at Stanford University. They will call me back for intake.
Called my doctor. Discovered I forgot to take Cytomel on the day I had the thyroid test. Duh. We decided I would go up to 37.5 mcg instead of 50, and have another test next week. My urine culture isn't back, so I don't know if I have another bladder infection or not. He called in some more antibiotics, sulfa this time, since I said the E-lyte has a lot of magnesium, which can bind to Cipro. I have a backache, but it could be just a backache.
Called my son back and talked to L's dad. Got the dinner okay; picked up the kids, went to the drugstore on the way home. L. is a very cautious (aka picky) eater, and drank milk more than ate dinner.
At 11:30 PM recalled that I have another child, whom I hadn't seen nor heard from in several hours. Called her. She even had the phone on. "We sort of fell asleep," she said. "Wake Up, Little Suzie" said I. She was only a few blocks from home.
Now it's time for me to go to bed, it's late.
Posted by Ilene on May 22, 2004, at 22:37:01
In reply to Dear diary May 21, posted by Ilene on May 21, 2004, at 23:14:56
I was busy today, but I'm not sure if I can remember what I did....
I took an extra 1/2 tablet of Cytomel in the mid-afternoon, along with a 2nd dose of Klonopin. My anxiety's been better for the last couple of days, since I started taking K. twice a day. Kind of a pre-emptive anxiety strike.
I responded to several messages on Babble.
I told my son his job for the day was cleaning the downstairs bathroom. Did it get done? Some of it got done when I was practically outside the door.
I made a couple of phone calls I was putting off.
I made arrangements to see the original Godzilla tomorrow afternoon.
I washed *all* the dishes. There were a lot of dishes.
My daughter had a major meltdown because I won't take responsibility for contacting her 8th grade math teacher so she can get graduation credit. (I don't know why her high school is making a big deal out of this 4 years later, or why they are telling her to get the information, or why it matters--she took 4 more years of math.) All I want her to do is either walk the few blocks to the middle school or call and leave a message for her. It that doesn't work then I will intercede. She's just not willing to deal with her shyness or ask for help in a rational way. It's got to be all or nothing. Nothing I suggest does any good.
So of course I blew my top. Grrr. It's very frustrating having a teenage girl around, even if she's reasonable in some respects.
My husband is in a better mood.
yawn
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