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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by SandyWeb on May 5, 2004, at 11:22:31
In reply to Re: Still Here, posted by Zena on May 5, 2004, at 10:02:36
Hi girls,
I truly am sorry about last night. Normally, I would have loved being the chat room with you. I think there would have been a lot of laughing!! You guys are as wacky as me! Ha! But I just couldn't seem to get into the giggly mood. I am what is known as a "party pooper". LOL!!
Yes, I was taking a drink and taking a pill last night. I think I was more buzzed from the alcohol than anything else. But then you start to lose count of how many pills/drinks you've had. But since I wasn't hallucinating, I'm assuming I didn't take as many pills as the day they took me to the hospital. And I feel fine today.
This is a very difficult struggle. It's a whole different matter when you're fighting yourself, isn't it? Why does my own brain want to turn against me....telling me to just shut itself off and go away. And some days it's all I can do to stay here.
I try to distract myself. I don't really have the desire or concentration to read, but I've been forcing myself to read books lately. I get this horrible energy in my body, wanting to get it all over with right now, so I need to TRY and ignore that. So I read, I watch movies, I sleep. And I've also been taking pills during the day to try and relieve some of that tension in my body. I'm still here, so I must be doing something right. But honestly, I don't know how much longer I can fight myself. It just seems inevitable that I'll attempt again at some point. And I'm learning from my mistakes, so that's probably not a good thing. *smile*
Here I am rambling again. Sorry for being such a pest.
I'm going to read my newspapers, drink my coffee, and then clean up the kitchen. I may take a walk later today....but not THAT walk. Lol. It just looks rather nice outside for a change. We have some sun. Yippee!
Thanks for accepting me last night, girls. One day I'll get into that silly mood of yours!! *big hug*
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on May 6, 2004, at 1:14:12
In reply to Last Night, posted by SandyWeb on May 5, 2004, at 11:22:31
One day I'll get into that silly mood of yours!! *big hug*
>Hey, Sandy . . . I look forward to your "silly mood". I have seen your sense of humor in some of your previous posts (*smile*). You will be a welcome addition to our frivolity!
I'm sorry I missed you tonight; I worked late, and I had to drive to the next town north of me (10 miles away) to pick up my new glasses after work; then the grocery store for a few odds/ends. Long day . . .
I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. I will say a prayer for you.
((((HUGS)))) ((((rest)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((peace))))
...jlynne
Posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 9:32:32
In reply to Last Night, posted by SandyWeb on May 5, 2004, at 11:22:31
Hi Sandy,
It's Thursday. How are you doing? It's going to be hot here - maybe near 90!Sandy, what kind of pills do you take? If you're okay with taking pills, have you tried some natural stuff like htp or samE? It might help.
I know you want to do this on your own and you are totally repulsed by the idea that your family knows your troubles and you don't want their help. I understand that. There are certain things in my life that I just totally abhor, as illogical as it may seem to others.
Sooooo.... where does that leave you? Did you get your paperwork filled out? Here's a tough question and you don't have to answer. What happened with nursing school? Was it your mental state that didn't allow you to finish? Do you not feel stable enough to work? Just tell me to butt out if you want. But, everybody needs help, coaching and even pushing at certain times of their lives. Maybe this is one of those times for you.
My brain doesn't always run on both rails, that's for sure, but I think we can come up with some sort of plan for you if we all put our heads together!
I know what you mean about being so down you don't feel depressed. That is called nothingness and it is almost more scary than the pain of being in the black hole. I feel for you sweetie!
Please keep putting one foot in front of another. You will get through this. You do deserve to have people help you a bit.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!
~ Lynne
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Posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 11:31:41
In reply to Re: Last Night » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 9:32:32
Hi Lynne,
I'm not sure how much I want to talk on this board anymore, for two reasons. Dr. Bob is the main reason (lol!!), and the second is that I'm scared that my family may monitor my messages now. I feel like my life has been invaded enough as it is, and I really don't want people to know more than I'm willing to tell them, you know?
>Sandy, what kind of pills do you take? If you're okay with taking pills, have you tried some natural stuff like htp or samE? It might help.<
I just take whatever prescription meds I can find laying around. Lol! It doesn't really matter anymore what pills they are.
> Sooooo.... where does that leave you? Did you get your paperwork filled out?<No, I can't seem to get the energy to fill out the paperwork. And it's due at the latest next week. *sigh* I'm just going to let it slide, I guess. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but it just takes too much energy to even THINK about appealing.
>Here's a tough question and you don't have to answer. What happened with nursing school? Was it your mental state that didn't allow you to finish? Do you not feel stable enough to work?<
I never heard back from the University, so I don't know if I was granted the Leave of Absence. If I wasn't granted it, then I would have received a full term of F grades. Ugh. If it was granted, then the courses would be marked with ILL (which doesn't count towards your GPA). I guess I got lost in the paperwork since I haven't heard boo. And, yes, it was my mental state that caused me to drop out for a bit. I guess too much was bottled up for too long. And by missing too much time, I screwed myself in terms of student loans. So that compounded with my wacked-out feelings. Stable enough to work??? You're as crazy as me! Lol! No, I wouldn't even be able to volunteer right now, if you must know. I'm absolutely not on the steady road yet.
> I know what you mean about being so down you don't feel depressed. That is called nothingness and it is almost more scary than the pain of being in the black hole.<
But I don't feel down. And I'm not depressed. I'm just....existing, I guess. I just want to turn off. I want it to go black for awhile. But I'm not sad, depressed, angry......I'm just....here.
>Please keep putting one foot in front of another. You will get through this.<
One moment at a time, right? Can't say that I *will* get through it, though. At some times I am sooooo close to walking away, and other times I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Today has been difficult. I've been fighting with myself all day not to take a trek to the woods again. I don't think I like the idea of Mother's Day coming up. But I'm still here. And right at this split second in time, I'm not fighting to keep myself here. In fact, it's time to grab a book and distract myself again. But it gets really exhausting having to distract myself all the time. I would like for things to get back to normal.
>YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!<Ha ha. That's a good one. I'm not WORTH it, but I guess there's an obligation due to the fact that I'm here. People go to such lengths to save another person. I've been noticing that. But the person being saved may not agree with their rescuer.
Okay, time to read a book. I have a pain in my side which makes me feel like throwing up. Lovely PMS, huh? And I think I broke my thumb when I was in the woods the other night. It's practically useless now, and REALLY REALLY hurts. So if I focus on those two pains, maybe I'll forget about taking a walk.I'm trying, you know? But it almost seems pointless. I really don't like this. It feels stronger than me.
And that is my cheerful note of the day! Lol. Maybe I'll visit Open tonight....see if anyone's around.
Take care. You've been wonderful to me!!!
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 11:41:32
In reply to Re: Last Night » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 11:31:41
Sandy - Thanks for sharing. Keep distracting yourself! Maybe you should splint your thumb with a popsicle stick or something? And just forget about Mother's Day if you want! I can understand how that might make you feel right now :-).
We care because you are a wonderful human who is worth caring about, #1. We also care because we know where you are. I do know what you mean by just existing. It's the nothing/numbness feeling.
Here's the deal. If you don't want to post, you are really welcome to call me. I can find out about nursing school for you, explain things and see about your grades. I KNOW you don't want to think about the future. But, you will have one and you will eventually care.
It's okay to be tired of it all sweetie! I understand that. Please remember one thing: it is your disease, chemicals, mental state - whatever you want to call it - that is telling you that you're worthless, that is draining your energy, etc.
Go to open tonight, keep communicating as much as you have the energy to do. Right now it's your best defense. Please call me if you want. I really don't mind! 1-800-222-8215 x9507.
~ Lynne
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Posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 11:46:36
In reply to Re: Last Night » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 11:31:41
Oops, just a thought about this statement I made:
>I've been fighting with myself all day not to take a trek to the woods again. I don't think I like the idea of Mother's Day coming up. But I'm still here. And right at this split second in time, I'm not fighting to keep myself here.<
I do not have PLANS for Mother's Day. *smile* This was not a statement to jump on. I think I'd blow my cool if the cops ever showed back up at my door again. I just meant that Mother's Day bothers me this year......but not *suicidally* bothering me. Don't make decisions based on past history, please.
Sandra
Posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 11:51:20
In reply to Re: Last Night » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 11:41:32
>Maybe you should splint your thumb with a popsicle stick or something?<
Actually, I can't straighten it out so I wouldn't be able to splint it. Lol. Guess I'll have a bent, crooked thumb now. How sexy!!!
Take care, hun!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 13:05:41
In reply to Re: Last Night » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 11:51:20
Just a short time ago, there was a knock on my door.
I thought it was the cops....again.
Freaked myself right out! Lol!!
They left, I changed my clothes so that I could bolt.
Opened the door.....
And it was a Fed-Ex box sitting outside my door.
Ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talk about a RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Bob, you've turned me into a paranoid!! LOL!!
I just couldn't believe that you would have sent the cops again. I was freaking out!!! *big releaved smile*
Phew!
Well, that took 10 years off of my life. Giggle.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 13:25:18
In reply to FREAKED ME OUT!!, posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 13:05:41
Well that's a relief. . . what'd you get, anything good?
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Just a short time ago, there was a knock on my door.
>
> I thought it was the cops....again.
>
> Freaked myself right out! Lol!!
>
> They left, I changed my clothes so that I could bolt.
>
> Opened the door.....
>
> And it was a Fed-Ex box sitting outside my door.
>
> Ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Talk about a RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Dr. Bob, you've turned me into a paranoid!! LOL!!
>
> I just couldn't believe that you would have sent the cops again. I was freaking out!!! *big releaved smile*
>
> Phew!
>
> Well, that took 10 years off of my life. Giggle.
>
> Hugs,
> Sandy
>
Posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 13:30:16
In reply to Re: FREAKED ME OUT!! » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 13:25:18
> Well that's a relief. . . what'd you get, anything good?<
Lynne,
I haven't had a good giggle like that in awhile! Can you see me bolting from the cops?? HA!!! It was just such a relief that I can't stop giggling. Hee hee!!
As for the Fed-Ex box, naw.....nothing good. Just supplies.
I wonder how far I would have gotten before I tripped over my own feet?? HA!! Or ran smack into a wall!!!
Have fun!
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 14:30:49
In reply to Re: FREAKED ME OUT!! » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 13:30:16
Too funny! It's amazing how you can become conditioned like that! I was in a fender bender this past weekend (my fault) and now I jump every time I get near another car, I stop way in advance. Sort of the same principle!
We have a band concert tonight & soccer practice plus homework. Are your kids pretty self-sufficient? Mine are getting there (2nd, 3rd & 6th grades).
Hope you have a peaceful afternoon & evening. Don't let your "demons" get to you - they're not you, you know! Take deep breaths or clean ... I find those 2 things work wonders :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 6:59:32
In reply to Re: FREAKED ME OUT!! » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 14:30:49
Hey all,
I'm feeling better now. Yeah! It's good to have some time left with you! *smile*
But what an odd night I had last night. I would wake up, and be totally confused as to where I was. I would look around the room, and try to figure out the layout of the apartment. I couldn't seem to get it right. Different times through the night this would happen, and it was a little disconcerting. It felt like I didn't know where I was, and I just couldn't figure out how the hallway looked, where the door went, etc. ODD!!
Then I kept waking up from the beginnings of nightmares. Never quite made it to a nightmare, though....just the scared feeling. Odd again!
And then this morning.....the best yet!! Lol! I thought it was Saturday rather than Friday!!!! I didn't get the kids up for school!! My radio alarm went off, and I was so surprised that The Breakfast Club gang had a program on Saturday....I thought they just did it on the weekdays! I looked out the window earlier in the morning to see what the weekend would look like. Then, around 8am, my daughter comes to me and asks why I didn't get her up. Well, because it's Saturday! Duh!
I may be feeling better, but I also think my brain is being taken over by another! Ha! What the heck is this all about? And I still feel all confused and weird today. Must have done a bad drug last night or something!! Ha ha!!!
Anyways, that's the beginning of my day. And how is yours?
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by susielalala on May 7, 2004, at 17:47:13
In reply to Odd Night, posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 6:59:32
Can I ask you a question please? What meds are you on ?
Posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 20:01:20
In reply to Re: Odd Night, posted by susielalala on May 7, 2004, at 17:47:13
> Can I ask you a question please? What meds are you on ?<
I haven't been on anything for about a month now. This is me au naturale! *smile* But I sure feel like my brain is fried!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on May 9, 2004, at 0:19:25
In reply to Re: Odd Night » susielalala, posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 20:01:20
?
Posted by jlynne on May 9, 2004, at 10:59:12
In reply to What to Say?, posted by SandyWeb on May 9, 2004, at 0:19:25
I hope you have a lovely day, Sandy. I am getting ready to get ready to leave to see my mother. Having brunch with the kids, first.
We had a crazy time in open last night, eh? Nice to be able to be silly once in awhile (*smile*). I tell you, that room was getting crowded - kind of like a slumber party:~)
Take care, sweetie.
((((HUGS)))) ((((Sandy)))) ((((friends))))
...jlynne
Posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 14:24:17
In reply to Odd Night, posted by SandyWeb on May 7, 2004, at 6:59:32
Hey Sandy...Happy Mothers Day..hope you are able to enjoy a little bit of the day with the children...this is your day enjoy..Hope you are feeling a little better..Your freind mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on May 9, 2004, at 18:03:52
In reply to RE::: Happy Mothers Day Sandy, posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 14:24:17
Thanks, girls, for the Happy Mother's Day! They are the only well-wishes that I got, other than an email from my mum. The kids didn't even bother to mention it. Ho hum.
I might show up in Open later tonight, when the kids are in bed. Have to keep safe for the day.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 18:14:18
In reply to RE::: Happy Mothers Day Sandy, posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 14:24:17
Hey Sandy sorry about the kids..they might not have remembered or you know how young children are...But I'm sure they love you and that they appreciate you every day!!!!!....My daughter just started buying mothers day cards and I know that she loves me...Hang in there my little friend...Take care luvya Mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on May 11, 2004, at 23:03:58
In reply to RE::: hey sandy, posted by mystic on May 9, 2004, at 18:14:18
Hey there,
Can anyone get the chat function to work for Open? I keep trying tonight, and it sends me over to Yahoo Chat. I don't want to go there! Lol.
Am I doing something weird, or are you all not able to get in???
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on May 12, 2004, at 0:09:31
In reply to Open, posted by SandyWeb on May 11, 2004, at 23:03:58
Sandy, I am in open now . . . you are probably in bed, tho. Who knows what the problem is/was?? Yahoo has a mind of its own. Sorry I missed you, tho. My younger daughter took me out to dinner tonight and we made an evening of it. She had to work on mothers' day, so we made up for it tonight.
I hope to see you in open again, sweetie.
((((Sandy)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((friendship))))
...jlynne
Posted by LynneDa on May 12, 2004, at 11:49:21
In reply to Re: Open » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on May 12, 2004, at 0:09:31
Hi Sandy - Just checking in to see how you're doing. Are you having some up days? I'm playing with my med dosage, trying to get rid of my fogginess and grogginess without bringing back depression & anxiety, so not sure how the next week or so will go!
I hope you're having fun in Open and able to get some support and positive energy! I'm heading to Philly for a few days, for work, so won't be on-line til next Monday.
Take good care, okay???
~ Lynne
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Posted by jlynne on May 13, 2004, at 0:24:18
In reply to Re: Open » jlynne, posted by LynneDa on May 12, 2004, at 11:49:21
Hey, Sandy . . . missed you today. How are you doing, sweetie? I think I ate too much chinese food last night - and then leftovers tonight . . . my pants feel kinda tight:~)
How are your *angels*? Did you find out why they are no longer partners? They are probably both so good that their supervisor assigned them each to some rookies to train, eh?
Talk to you soon:~)
((((Sandy)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 14:07:33
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 13, 2004, at 0:24:18
How you doing, sweetie . . . haven't heard your lovely voice in quite awhile:~)
I hope you think about us and drop a line or two soon; if you stay away too long you will end up having to write a book in order to catch us up! (*smile*)
I am thinking about you, and you are always in my prayers, Sandy.
((((HUGS)))) ((((smiles)))) ((((friendship))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on May 15, 2004, at 16:56:10
In reply to Miss you, Sandy . . ., posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 14:07:33
It's a really, really bad day today. I don't know what is happening. I feel like I'm stoned! It even hurts to read this screen, and it's the first time I've been on the computer in 2 days.
Actually, I've been in bed since Thursday!!! How many hours is that??? And I feel so odd! And I have to go to the washroom and cry and cry. Then I come back out and FLOAT all over the place. I swear I'm on some kind of drug!
I feel just awful. This has to be one of the worse days since all this lovelyness has started with me. I can't stand it. I'm so out of it, and I'm so sad, and I'm so mad, and I'm so hopeless, and I'm so blah!
I want the sun to hurry up and go down. The light bothers me. I want it to be dark. I feel so odd.
Sorry to have disappeared for a few days. The brain has been doing funky things.
Sandra
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