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Last Night

Posted by SandyWeb on May 5, 2004, at 11:22:31

In reply to Re: Still Here, posted by Zena on May 5, 2004, at 10:02:36

Hi girls,

I truly am sorry about last night. Normally, I would have loved being the chat room with you. I think there would have been a lot of laughing!! You guys are as wacky as me! Ha! But I just couldn't seem to get into the giggly mood. I am what is known as a "party pooper". LOL!!

Yes, I was taking a drink and taking a pill last night. I think I was more buzzed from the alcohol than anything else. But then you start to lose count of how many pills/drinks you've had. But since I wasn't hallucinating, I'm assuming I didn't take as many pills as the day they took me to the hospital. And I feel fine today.

This is a very difficult struggle. It's a whole different matter when you're fighting yourself, isn't it? Why does my own brain want to turn against me....telling me to just shut itself off and go away. And some days it's all I can do to stay here.

I try to distract myself. I don't really have the desire or concentration to read, but I've been forcing myself to read books lately. I get this horrible energy in my body, wanting to get it all over with right now, so I need to TRY and ignore that. So I read, I watch movies, I sleep. And I've also been taking pills during the day to try and relieve some of that tension in my body. I'm still here, so I must be doing something right. But honestly, I don't know how much longer I can fight myself. It just seems inevitable that I'll attempt again at some point. And I'm learning from my mistakes, so that's probably not a good thing. *smile*

Here I am rambling again. Sorry for being such a pest.

I'm going to read my newspapers, drink my coffee, and then clean up the kitchen. I may take a walk later today....but not THAT walk. Lol. It just looks rather nice outside for a change. We have some sun. Yippee!

Thanks for accepting me last night, girls. One day I'll get into that silly mood of yours!! *big hug*

Sandy


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