Posted by SandyWeb on May 6, 2004, at 11:31:41
In reply to Re: Last Night » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on May 6, 2004, at 9:32:32
Hi Lynne,
I'm not sure how much I want to talk on this board anymore, for two reasons. Dr. Bob is the main reason (lol!!), and the second is that I'm scared that my family may monitor my messages now. I feel like my life has been invaded enough as it is, and I really don't want people to know more than I'm willing to tell them, you know?
>Sandy, what kind of pills do you take? If you're okay with taking pills, have you tried some natural stuff like htp or samE? It might help.<
I just take whatever prescription meds I can find laying around. Lol! It doesn't really matter anymore what pills they are.
> Sooooo.... where does that leave you? Did you get your paperwork filled out?<No, I can't seem to get the energy to fill out the paperwork. And it's due at the latest next week. *sigh* I'm just going to let it slide, I guess. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but it just takes too much energy to even THINK about appealing.
>Here's a tough question and you don't have to answer. What happened with nursing school? Was it your mental state that didn't allow you to finish? Do you not feel stable enough to work?<
I never heard back from the University, so I don't know if I was granted the Leave of Absence. If I wasn't granted it, then I would have received a full term of F grades. Ugh. If it was granted, then the courses would be marked with ILL (which doesn't count towards your GPA). I guess I got lost in the paperwork since I haven't heard boo. And, yes, it was my mental state that caused me to drop out for a bit. I guess too much was bottled up for too long. And by missing too much time, I screwed myself in terms of student loans. So that compounded with my wacked-out feelings. Stable enough to work??? You're as crazy as me! Lol! No, I wouldn't even be able to volunteer right now, if you must know. I'm absolutely not on the steady road yet.
> I know what you mean about being so down you don't feel depressed. That is called nothingness and it is almost more scary than the pain of being in the black hole.<
But I don't feel down. And I'm not depressed. I'm just....existing, I guess. I just want to turn off. I want it to go black for awhile. But I'm not sad, depressed, angry......I'm just....here.
>Please keep putting one foot in front of another. You will get through this.<
One moment at a time, right? Can't say that I *will* get through it, though. At some times I am sooooo close to walking away, and other times I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Today has been difficult. I've been fighting with myself all day not to take a trek to the woods again. I don't think I like the idea of Mother's Day coming up. But I'm still here. And right at this split second in time, I'm not fighting to keep myself here. In fact, it's time to grab a book and distract myself again. But it gets really exhausting having to distract myself all the time. I would like for things to get back to normal.
>YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!<Ha ha. That's a good one. I'm not WORTH it, but I guess there's an obligation due to the fact that I'm here. People go to such lengths to save another person. I've been noticing that. But the person being saved may not agree with their rescuer.
Okay, time to read a book. I have a pain in my side which makes me feel like throwing up. Lovely PMS, huh? And I think I broke my thumb when I was in the woods the other night. It's practically useless now, and REALLY REALLY hurts. So if I focus on those two pains, maybe I'll forget about taking a walk.I'm trying, you know? But it almost seems pointless. I really don't like this. It feels stronger than me.
And that is my cheerful note of the day! Lol. Maybe I'll visit Open tonight....see if anyone's around.
Take care. You've been wonderful to me!!!
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/343980.html