![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 40 to 64 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:42:05
In reply to Dear diary April 18, posted by Ilene on April 18, 2004, at 18:22:25
Today was much like yesterday--started bad, gradually improved--only I can't remember it as well.
Let's see. I went to sleep after midnight, and I was wearing earplugs. I slept very well. Was this due to earplugs? Husband in bed? Sunspots? My horoscope?
Got up sort of late, farted around. Felt very anxious, took Klonopin. Talked to my husband about feeling anxious. I've been trying not to express myself too him very much out of regard for his feelings and needs. We reached a tentative agreement not to be as needy with each other.
I told him I thought it was because of all the things we wanted to accomplish while he was here, which made me feel overwhelmed, and just having him here. I tried to explain that whenever I get upset over something he does I *overreact* because I want everything to be perfect. (I may have a touch of black-and-white thinking, but I have a great big glob of black-and-white feelings.)
The big event for the day was going to the hardware store and the grocery store. It was hot, and I felt a little woozy. I guess maybe my blood pressure meds can help me shower, but not help me in hot weather.
I had to tell him we couldn't afford to get a new disk drive for our son. He took it fairly well. He's getting better at fiscal discipline, if not fiscal self-discipline.
He still gets mad if he thinks I'm interrupting him, but I noticed he's getting a little better tolerating me.
I feel so much calmer now (10:30 PM). Earlier today I was barely suppressing the desire to call my pdoc w/ all my anxieties. I wish I could figure out what happened and bottle it.
Posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 8:02:37
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 18 » fallsfall, posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:21:13
You know, Ilene, a day can be busy either because we are in constant motion, or because our *brains* are in constant motion. On the 18th there were a number of significant issues that you dealt with that contained "stress" - difficult emotional components. These issues beat the crap out of us. It would be less wear and tear on my to run (well, walk) a marathon than it did to get my daughter to school (late again), and talk to the Vice Principal about how we can work together to get her to realize that she needs to be at school on time. It took me 2 hours to do the morning thing with my daughter - but the cost on my energy levels and motivation are much higher than that.
Does this mean that we should just lay down on the floor and not move? No. But it does mean that it is reasonable to recognize the cost of emotional issues. And it is reasonable to be proud of ourselves when we handle them well.
*MY* impression after reading your April 18 diary entry was that there was significant emotional turmoil that day, but that you still kept going and did get some stuff accomplished. To me, that is a busy day.
Posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 20:44:46
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 18 » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on April 20, 2004, at 8:02:37
> You know, Ilene, a day can be busy either because we are in constant motion, or because our *brains* are in constant motion. On the 18th there were a number of significant issues that you dealt with that contained "stress" - difficult emotional components. These issues beat the crap out of us. It would be less wear and tear on my to run (well, walk) a marathon than it did to get my daughter to school (late again), and talk to the Vice Principal about how we can work together to get her to realize that she needs to be at school on time. It took me 2 hours to do the morning thing with my daughter - but the cost on my energy levels and motivation are much higher than that.
>That would send me into orbit around the Anxiety Planet.
> Does this mean that we should just lay down on the floor and not move? No. But it does mean that it is reasonable to recognize the cost of emotional issues. And it is reasonable to be proud of ourselves when we handle them well.
>
> *MY* impression after reading your April 18 diary entry was that there was significant emotional turmoil that day, but that you still kept going and did get some stuff accomplished. To me, that is a busy day.
But--but--but--but--it was just an ordinary day! (Can you tell I always want to apologize for myself?)
Posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 21:33:52
In reply to Dear diary April 19, posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:42:05
This was pretty much like the last few days. . . I slept w/ the earplugs again and slept pretty well, but I slept late. My ankles were hardly swollen in the morning. I was anxious in the morning, but not as much.
Didn't do too much. Laundry, ironing, a little reading. Made dinner. Cleaned up some. I have a big backlog of ironing, but it's hard on my feet to stand so long. Talked some with my husband about what we're going to do with the house. He called the movers and two or three realtors, just like that.
Our Big Plans were to clean out the basement, but my husband was on the phone/on the computer all day. This was not in the cards--he was supposed to finish work on Sunday/Monday. Tomorrow I see my pdoc, and then the three of us go to see my son's psychiatrist. (BTW, my son made an ADD joke today. He was making up a shaggy dog story, and he said something like, "So-and-so died, and the other character felt bad, but he had ADD, so he forgot about it." He's been okay about taking his Straterra, but it hasn't had any effect on him, other than making him tired. He takes it in the evening now. Although maybe it's the cause of him having the hallucination that he had taken out the trash when he hadn't.)
My husband might have to fly back to SF on Thursday instead of Saturday. Dammit
I'm sure something else happened today, but I can't remember it. Seems like an awfully blank day.
Thought for the day: How come my pdoc encourages me to take Klonopin, but implies that expecting ADs to help me is unrealistic?
Posted by sdjeff on April 21, 2004, at 0:13:26
In reply to Dear diary April 20, posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 21:33:52
>Thought for the day: How come my pdoc encourages me to take Klonopin, but implies that expecting ADs to help me is unrealistic?
I guess it because the klonopin helps with anxiety? Ok, really I don't know. It's like my pdoc prescribing antipsychotics when i'm not psychotic. Or is that the meds talking? Oh, here we go again...
Hope you feel better...
Posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 21:34:09
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 20, posted by sdjeff on April 21, 2004, at 0:13:26
I like it when the meds talk. All those little pills and capsules yammering away. They get up in the middle of the night and party, I swear.
Because a drug is called an "antipsychotic" doesn't mean it's just for psychosis. ADs are used for chronic pain, for example, and some afffect anxiety. I take the AP Risperdal because it makes me less irritable.
Where is the dividing line between "psychotic" and "not psychotic"?
Today I asked my pdoc why she was less than whole-hearted about ADs. I can't remember what she answered. Argh!
I've been feeling better at times. Sometimes I can even stop myself from speeding into a frenzy of dysfunctional thinking.
Posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 22:18:10
In reply to Dear diary April 20, posted by Ilene on April 20, 2004, at 21:33:52
Didn't sleep too well, even with earplugs. Almost forgot my meds, and had a hard time falling asleep.
Felt okay except when I had to climb stairs or walk around outside. Also feel like I have a bladder infection. Nothing like bad health to keep you on your toes.
I got my husband to put in a couple of window screens (hurray!). He sprayed off the car when he rinsed the screens and I wiped it dry. Not as effective as actually soaping it up, but faster, and it looks fairly clean.
Saw the pdoc, but I can't remember most of what she said. I asked her why she didn't think ADs were going to do it for me and why she thought I was so clueless about how other people or events aren't in charge of my emotional state.
About the first--I wish I could remember! Part of it had to do with her not knowing why the ADs I took a few years ago stopped working. I said it was common for them to poop out. She thinks my expectations of drugs are unrealistic--that I want them to "do it all". I said remission, rather than merely response, is what the goal of treatment is supposed to be--or so I've read.
She likes my irreverence and ability to laugh at myself. I think big deal. She was in quite a mood today. Gales of laughter. I told her maybe should have chosen another line of work if she was just going to laugh at her patients. That was just funnier. I gotta admit I get a charge out of making her laugh. It's easy if I'm in the right mood.
We went round and round about my inability to integrate thinking and feeling. I brought up the incident with my husband and getting dressed. The three things I was thinking were a) the extreme reaction I had, 2) my inability to get it under control, and 3) the speed with which it dissipated when my husband apologized. I realized my reaction was extreme at the time, but I couldn't get it to go away. She said one of the tenets (is that the right word?) of DBT is to accept a feeling, and telling myself that my reaction was extreme or inappropriate was not "accepting". (Hell.)
I made the analogy of hurting myself, say, in the kitchen. (E.g. sometimes I cut or burn myself while I'm cooking.) I rinse it off and get a bandaid, and the pain usually recedes while I finish the meal. I don't have similar tools for emotional cuts and burns.
Got a script for Cytomel (thyroid hormone).
(I'm getting tired here.)
Home again, home again, jiggity jog. Stopped behind a car with a license plate holder bearing the imprint of the Accident Garage in Accident, MD. Let's hope none of us ever ever has to take the road through *that* burg.
Picked up papers for my son's pdoc at his middle school. Last week I dropped of 3 pages, today I picked up ... 7. I suppose this is in compensation for those times when I dropped off papers and they lost them.
All three of us went to visit son's pdoc.
Had some leftovers/frozen food for dinner, picked up a little, real estate agent came over to talk about selling our house. We can probably get more for it than we thought, but we need to get estimates on repair work. I don't want to deal with that.
I'll be going to California in a couple of weeks to look for a place for us to live.
Bye for now.
Posted by Ilene on April 22, 2004, at 20:19:05
In reply to Dear diary April 21, posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 22:18:10
Didn't sleep well last night, either. Woke up in the wee hours, got up around 6, ate breakfast, fed the cats, said hello to my son, then went back to sleep until about 9 AM. This is getting to be a bad habit.
Wrote up a "housing wanted" posting for craigslist sf. Interviewed another real estate agent. My husband stepped on a rusty nail. Went to my doctor's office and peed in a cup. I have a bladder infection. I get to take Cipro. Went to the pharmacy and picked up my Cytomel and my son's Straterra. Was tired. Started feeling anxious.
Told my husband he needed to get a tetanus booster, so he actually went to the ER and got one. (The man is a great big baby about needles.) Now he is at the pharmacy, picking up some antibiotics they gave him, and then picking up our son from his strategy gaming club. He wants to take the kid out for a smoothie. I say they should come home so boy can have some "real food" (ham sandwich) and get to bed.
Asked my husband why he was here, since (nearly) all he's been doing is working. (He should just have the cell phone implanted in his head.) We had a reasonable conversation. Had a reasonable conversation about money, too--as in we haven't got any.
Been exploring my anxiety. I have a list of chronic worries--I'm getting old and ugly, I'm unhealthy, my kids are genetically screwed up because of my (and my husband's) mental illnesses, I haven't done anything with my life.... These thoughts self-escalate, of course.
One of the reasons I don't believe any positive self-talk is that I've lived through situations that *did* go from bad to worse. Where someone who was seemingly a little sick got worse and died. Someone had a career ruined because of a false accusation. I got fired because I didn't have the talent to do my job. When my father was dying, his oncologist kept talking about getting him back on his feet.
The only good reason I can think of not to be depressed and anxious is that I don't like the way it feels. I chase myself in circles, either looking for the way out, or digging myself in deeper. Sometimes both at once.
Some people just have a natural resilience. I wish I knew how to get some for myself.
Posted by sdjeff on April 22, 2004, at 21:12:08
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 20 » sdjeff, posted by Ilene on April 21, 2004, at 21:34:09
> I like it when the meds talk. All those little pills and capsules yammering away. They get up in the middle of the night and party, I swear.
>No kidding. I take 3 different meds at bedtime. It's like a party in my haed I wasn't invited to..
> Because a drug is called an "antipsychotic" doesn't mean it's just for psychosis. ADs are used for chronic pain, for example, and some afffect anxiety. I take the AP Risperdal because it makes me less irritable.
>
> Where is the dividing line between "psychotic" and "not psychotic"?
>I think true psychosis is when your perception of reality differs from others. For instance, if the trix rabbit is actually trying to steal your breakfast, it's time for help :) I know why I have to take AP's, but I have to constantly remind myself as to why.
> Today I asked my pdoc why she was less than whole-hearted about ADs. I can't remember what she answered. Argh!
>
> I've been feeling better at times. Sometimes I can even stop myself from speeding into a frenzy of dysfunctional thinking.Good for you! Still working on that one.
Posted by Ilene on April 23, 2004, at 21:57:20
In reply to Dear diary April 22, posted by Ilene on April 22, 2004, at 20:19:05
Today was better, I think. I can't think of anything terrible that happened. (What an advertisement!)
Started Cytomel to augment my ADs.
My icky infection is better.
My husband and I (mostly my husband) cleaned the basement. Mostly it was him that did the cleaning out. I did things like flatten cardboard boxes and carry them up to the porch. I put some things out on the curb to give away and sent messages around our neighborhood listserv. I met a nice man who picked up some shelving. We talked about our cats. We both have strays who decided to move in with us.
My husband would snap at me when I talked to him while he was cleaning out boxes, but then he said I kept disappearing, and *we* were supposed to be cleaning. Argh!
My daughter just told me she is getting laid off from her job because she is too shy.
Posted by Ilene on April 24, 2004, at 18:36:06
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 22, posted by Ilene on April 23, 2004, at 21:57:20
My husband thinks I am better. I think I am better, too, sort of. I don't know if this is just a temporary uptick, or if I'm going to continue to get better.
I still feel fragile. The world seems full of pain. It frightens me. I teared right up when I read that crushedout's kitty is dying. I had a wonderful cat who got littler and littler before she died. (Actually, the vet came over and put her down.) She was just the sweetest thing. The cats we have now have their virtues, but they're not as sweet.
It's almost a year since my father died. I think about what he went through in the weeks before he died, and I worry about how he felt. He went downhill very fast.
Anyway, today we took a bunch of old computer gear to be recycled. My son had his weekly soccer game. My husband says he's playing pretty well.
I took my husband to the airport. He went back to SF, and I miss him. It took me a few days to adjust to him being here, and now he's gone. I'll see him in about 2 weeks. He's coming here and I'm going there to househunt. We'll have one day together.
I guess the thing to do is keep myself busy.
He's upset that our daughter is getting laid off. It hurts me too. I'm trying not to brood about it. I want her to be happy, and I don't think she is. She hasn't made any new friends since she moved to SF at the end of January. Now she won't have anything to do with herself.
I worry about my kids a lot. I think they are fated to have the same painful life as I have. Does worrying about it help?
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
In reply to Dear diary April 24, posted by Ilene on April 24, 2004, at 18:36:06
Things haven't gone so great today. I usually write in my "diary" after 10 p.m., and it's only about 6:20 p.m. right now. I'm trying to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe my improved mood was just temporary.
I sorted through some of my sewing things last night. It can be a hard task for me. I stepped into a fabric shop today. I was terrified that someone would say hello to me. (Someone did, but it wasn't so bad.) I haven't done any "real" sewing for quite a while. I feel like a sewing fraud. I have yards and yards of unsewn fabric and hundreds of patterns. (Luckily I spent only 99 cents for most of them.) I feel so embarrassed about this. Makes me realize what a hardcore perfectionist I am, and how I still see things in black/white terms.
Went to a Japanese koto concert with a former neighbor. (She's a born-again Christian, of all things. I am most definitely *not*.) There were two other women--one of her co-workers, and the coworker's mom, who is Japanese-American, and grew up in a town near where I used to live. Small world! Wish I had a chance to talk more with her. I enjoyed the concert, except for seeing myself in the restroom mirror.
I wonder if I can get plastic surgery for my double chin.
Called my husband when I got back home. Now he's anxious and depressed about having to move out of his sublet on June 1. He's worried about not having worked for three whole days. He's saying things like "better off dead". I hate it when he does this! I wish he would get a grip! My daughter says he's worse than I am. She says when I'm depressed I just hide in my room, but he talks about it. She's been telling him the same things I have--he should be seeing his therapist and/or his doctor.
Now I'm worried about my son, my daughter, and my husband. My daughter actually sounds the best of all of us.
Posted by sdjeff on April 25, 2004, at 19:51:15
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
hey, ilene. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I, for one, think you are a great person. I would say more but my head's not in the best place. I hope things smooth out for you.
Best,
Jeff
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 20:04:30
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 25, posted by sdjeff on April 25, 2004, at 19:51:15
> hey, ilene. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I, for one, think you are a great person. I would say more but my head's not in the best place. I hope things smooth out for you.
>
> Best,
>
> JeffI'm so happy you responded. I've been crying a lot tonight. I know I don't deserve to live in this much pain. (Neither do you, of course.) I don't know what to do to relieve it. I don't believe my own "positive self talk".
I had the feeling things were slipping for you. Please post an update when you can. I think *you* are a great person, too. You're smart, funny, and kind.
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 22:53:25
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
I'm feeling better. I'm chatting with my husband. He said he didn't know what came over him.
I haven't decided if I feel like an idiot for wasting an evening because of him.
But I love him, sometimes. And I hate him, sometimes.
Argh.
Posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2004, at 9:03:32
In reply to Dear diary April 25 addendum, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 22:53:25
My sympathies, Ilene.
I know that when I'm fragile I really want my world to be stable and strong. It is a scary feeling to know how fragile I am, and yet to also know that I'm more stable than the people around me! Sometimes that pressure makes me crumble, sometimes it makes me stronger. It is never fun.
There are so many changes in your life right now, that things HAVE to feel in upheaval. And this period is lasting a long time for you. When you do finally get moved and sell your house and get your family under one roof things will settle down. Don't be to hard on yourself for feeling upheaved (is that a word?) - I can't imagine that you could feel any other way.
Every sewer I know has drawers full of fabric and patterns. You don't sound excessive to me at all. I would buy exactly the fabric that I was going to use in the next week and exactly the pattern - and if the project took more than 4 hours or so total I wouldn't even consider it. But I am not a sewer (my sister is) - and I think the world needs people like you. You know cool fabric when you see it, and collect patterns in anticipation of finding the right fabric at the right time. Unless you are broke or have a layer of fabric under your mattress pad because you have no other place to put it, I think you are fine.
Do something that you enjoy today - just because you deserve it.
Posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 12:13:04
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 25 addendum » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2004, at 9:03:32
Thank you for your kind words. You are very perceptive. I *know* things are not that bad, but I feel bad anyway. (One of the reasons I'm interested in DBT is that my emotions have a life of their own, and I can't calm myself down. An issue DBT recognizes.)
I don't always look forward to living with my family. Right now I am mad at my husband for being such a workaholic. It's like he's married to his work, not to me. He says he's doing it to support his family, but what's the point if he never sees us, or he's so anxious about work he can't have any fun? I end up taking care of him, the house (sort of), and the kids, and I'm not up to the task. He's so temperamental at times, too, and impulsive.
There, see? I'm thinking about all the problems in store. I *know* I can't expect perfection. My husband and kids have wonderful traits, too. My husband is smart and funny, we can talk for hours about all kinds of arcane subjects, he's never had an affair, he doesn't drink or do drugs, he's honest, he loves me deeply.... My kids are smart (even if they aren't doing well in school), they're honest, they love me, they don't drink or do drugs... I'm just so worried about them! I'm beginning to remind myself of my mother--she worried about me, but somehow never about the real issues
I spent about an hour reading in bed, with my daughter's cat having a little love-fest on top of me. Does that count as doing something I enjoy? It was a distraction. Right now I don't think I can enjoy very much.
...My husband just called me. He apologized for upsetting me so much. I thanked him and admitted it takes two (the upsetter and the upsettee). I told him how concerned I was about his workoholism and we agreed that he would work on that, and then he would have some time to go to the gym and see his therapist, as well as family time. In return the two of us will agree to have "fun time" at regular intervals.
I'm still sitting her with my muscles all tense, but I'm a little more relaxed. Time for a shower and some cleaning up.
Thank you,
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
Today was terrible. I'm feeling suicidal again. I just read my diary entries from the past few weeks, and they just make me more depressed. I feel a little better, I feel a little worse. Nothing really changes. I have no faith that things will get better. I can't think of a reason why they should, other than I want them to.
I have the fuzzy, foggy, sluggish feeling I get when I'm depressed. Just don't want to move. Having a hard time remembering things.
I went to bed late last night, and I woke up early. I got some breakfast, then tried to get some more sleep. I was so-o-o anxious. I can't remember about what, exactly. My kids, I know. I'm so worried about them. I can tell myself I don't *know* what the future holds for them, but I feel that genetically the odds are stacked against them, and the consequences are terrible.
I took some Klonopin when I got up. I think it helped a little.
I want to talk to my husband or my pdoc right now, but I don't think that will help me in the long run. I feel a need to protect my husband from the extent of my depression, and I don't want to be dependent on my pdoc. I'm no better off now than when I first started seeing her, well over two years ago.
Both she and my husband thought I was doing better.
I did some reading in the morning, and then a little housework. I found a bill for back taxes that I lost, and I paid it. I was *supposed* to have paid it by April 10.
More bad news--I found some papers buried on my desk about a legal settlement that I was supposed to have returned by April 19. A few years ago we had unauthorized charges to our credit card, so here was a chance to get a little money back. I feel so stupid and inept.
Okay, Ilene, get a grip. I'm about to sell a house and make get about two hundred thousand dollars. Even after paying the bills and taxes I'll have lots of money--probably enough to put at least one kid through college. So maybe I can decide this is pretty minor.
It's just that I could have avoided it by being more organized. And my husband is so casual about money. I recently developed a system to keep track of oddball bills--I wonder if I can develop a system to keep track of oddball things to do? I feel a little better now. Just a little. I'm discombobulated by having my sleep cycle disturbed, too.
It will be a year ago tomorrow that my father died. There's a lot of guilt bound up there. I feel like a failure in so many ways.
I decided not to cook dinner. I had the forethought to buy some frozen burritos. Half of me feels like a "bad mom" for giving my son frozen burritos, but the other half is grateful not to have to cook dinner.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 0:38:42
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 25 addendum » fallsfall, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 12:13:04
Ilene,
I've been following your posts, and I'm sorry I haven't posted responses more. I've been really swamped with school and such and don't get to spend as much time online. I am just so pleased to see day by day how much stronger and happier you sound. Even when you are being negative, you are countering it with such beautiful thoughts. You sound hopeful--although there was always hope in your posts. Just a bit like exhausted hope before.So glad to see this! Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 0:42:07
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
((((Ilene))))
Just read your last post. I'm sorry that you had a bad day, and about your father. Anniversaries can be hard. Please do something nurturing for yourself.
BTW, I eat frozen burritos all of the time! My office mates think they look wonderful and are jealous. I bet your son doesn't mind at all.
Please remember that recovery is not a straight line up hill. If you graphed your good days and bad days, it would look more like the stock market than a simple incline. But if you keep moving in the right direction, even when dealing with a downturn, you eventually make it to the top.
I have faith in you!
gg
Posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 11:12:49
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 26, posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 0:42:07
> ((((Ilene))))
>
> Just read your last post. I'm sorry that you had a bad day, and about your father. Anniversaries can be hard. Please do something nurturing for yourself.
>I have no idea what that would be. The problem is the feeling of being nurtured.
> BTW, I eat frozen burritos all of the time! My office mates think they look wonderful and are jealous. I bet your son doesn't mind at all.
>He doesn't mind, I do. I want us to eat healthy food,
> Please remember that recovery is not a straight line up hill. If you graphed your good days and bad days, it would look more like the stock market than a simple incline. But if you keep moving in the right direction, even when dealing with a downturn, you eventually make it to the top.
>Except I don't see myself moving in the right direction. I don't think I'm any better than I was two years ago.
> I have faith in you!I hope it's justified. Right now I have a great sense of futility. I've worked very hard and haven't gotten anywhere.
Thank you,
I.
Posted by All Done on April 27, 2004, at 11:32:22
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
> It will be a year ago tomorrow that my father died.
I'm sorry, Ilene. I'm thinking about you today and hoping you're doing okay.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by rainyday on April 27, 2004, at 13:27:41
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
I'm sorry you feel things are going so badly. It's nasty how low our lows can go. You really get your hopes up when you start feeling a little better, and then wham! you get knocked back again.
I have often wondered if I'll ever be better again; whether my medication has made me worse; if I stopped taking anything if I would be OK; whether the meds have permanently changed my brain; why does my life seem so much more complicated than it's every been; and whether all this angst and misery will ever be worth it.
My life feels like such a drama. If I was a soap opera, I would change the channels pronto.
Take heart, Ilene. Keep putting your thoughts here, good and bad. Just get through this day, and remember that there are many people on this board who care about you!
rainyday
Posted by sdjeff on April 27, 2004, at 18:29:15
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
Ilene, I'm sorry your day went badly. I wish you my best. I wold say more but my head's not in the best place right now.
Best,
Jeff
Posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 19:35:09
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 26, posted by sdjeff on April 27, 2004, at 18:29:15
> Ilene, I'm sorry your day went badly. I wish you my best. I wold say more but my head's not in the best place right now.
>
> Best,
>
> JeffI understand about your head being someplace else. I've let so many things blow off because my head wasn't in a good place. It means something to me that you made the effort to wish me well.
I hope things stabilize for you. I was happy to read that things at work were going better. You have my respect for managing to hold onto your job.
I.
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