![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 137 to 161 of 233. Go back in thread:
Posted by geri122 on February 3, 2004, at 13:27:33
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 30, 2004, at 15:25:38
i have made some descisions within the past couple of months that now that i think about it, shouldn't have. I really need to tell soemone but i don't know how. You see im not proud of what i did, but the sad thing is i would do it again, i might even, can't really say. I just don't want them to tell anyone or get mad. What do i do
Posted by LynneDa on February 3, 2004, at 13:41:43
In reply to Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 3, 2004, at 13:27:33
Geri -
Everyone makes mistakes along the way, even mistakes that hurt other people. There's not one person who goes through life without making at least one really bad choice - if not 2 or 6 or 10!!! I've found it's always better to 'fess up and get it over with rather than let it fester inside of you. Sending a letter usually works pretty well, if you're uncomfortable facing the person. Writing it all out also helps me to organize my thoughts about the issue so if I do want to talk to the person, I'll be ready to explain it logiclly and have answers ready for anything they might throw at me.Can you tell us about it? Maybe we can help you with a solution. You're still learning about how to make decisions, so whatever it is, don't be too hard on yourself, ok?
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i have made some descisions within the past couple of months that now that i think about it, shouldn't have. I really need to tell soemone but i don't know how. You see im not proud of what i did, but the sad thing is i would do it again, i might even, can't really say. I just don't want them to tell anyone or get mad. What do i do
Posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 9:20:20
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by LynneDa on February 3, 2004, at 13:41:43
Sometimes i feel like the relationship with my father is my fault. If i was a better daughter we would be better off. I feeled like i have failed him, i should have tried harder, been better, then he would be able to love me and i could love him.
Posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:03
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 9:20:20
Oh my . . . I could have written these lines when I was your age. I felt the same way about my Dad! Honey, you are not responsible for his moods, his attitudes, his weaknesses or unhappiness!!! I cannot stress that enough. He's the grown-up and should take the mature upper hand in a relationship with his child.
Parents have a special influence on their kids and many times it comes across as manipulation vs. love. Families seem to know best how to push each others' buttons, either to annoy each other or to help. And every family does a bit of both! What things do you think you could have done better? Is it something you can talk to him about? I hate to say it, but my Dad wasn't "mature" enough until he hit his 40s to really deal with emotional issues and to look at himself honestly!
Some people, I will say men in particular, are not capable of showing love in the ways we think are appropriate and acceptable. My Dad was so hard on me, always pushing me to do better. He didn't like any emotional outbursts, no complaining, no excuses. I felt like I had to be perfect all the time or I'd be an embarrassment and a failure to him. It wasn't until I was in college that we talked about it and he apologized, believe it or not.
The point is, he loved me, but wasn't good at showing it. The only attention I got was pretty negative cuz he later said he wanted me to do well in the world and thought if he kept on me, he was doing his job. And I was a pretty model kid - good grades, nice friends, never in any trouble, etc. It was hard to take and took me a lot of years to realize it was not my fault, that was just my Dad's way.
Either your Dad is taking something out on you - his own unhappiness or anger at the world - and none of that is your fault in any way, shape or form. Or, your Dad is being hard on you because he sees potential in you and wants you to do well. Either way, you have to understand that you grew up, all these years, with his behaviors and attitudes forming who you are now. He is partially responsible for the person you have and will become. Therefore, you cannot blame yourself. Maybe the 2 of you are too alike and that's why you clash?
Please, please do not take this on yourself by feeling guilty that "if only I was better...". You know what is right and wrong behavior. You know when you're not being a "good" daughter - arguing, doing things purposely to annoy him - all kids do that. You also know when you are trying your hardest and being your best. That is what most parents want from their kids. Just keep being the best self you can be for YOU and try to realize that the way he is is not your fault or your responsibility to try and fix it by being the perfect daughter!
I know this is long, but I hope it helps a bit. I can really relate to how you are feeling!
Take care kiddo,
~ Lynne>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sometimes i feel like the relationship with my father is my fault. If i was a better daughter we would be better off. I feeled like i have failed him, i should have tried harder, been better, then he would be able to love me and i could love him.
Posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 13:01:14
In reply to Re: Desicions » geri122, posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:03
my dad is 50.. he should be mature about it. Everything you discribed about ur father is just like mine. He doesn't even give me space to make my own decisions. Im hanging in don't worry about that... i can't lie tho i thought about what the world would be lke if i wasn't even born.. how would people be and that sort.. but i can't change that can i? NO
Posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 13:15:13
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 13:01:14
Well, at 50 I guess he's probably not going to change! You must be off school for a snow day today? Our kids were off earlier this week and probably will be again tomorrow. Anyway, I'm glad you feel you can hang in there. You are on this Earth for a reason, my dear! Don't ever doubt that or wish it didn't happen. I'm sure your Mom would be much worse off without you there if you are stronger than she is, against your Dad I mean.
You will make what you want of YOUR life, once you're given the chance! For another couple years you have to share control with your parents and I know that is really difficult sometimes.
Just be as respectful as you can, within reason, and remember that some people just can't show love the way we think of as acceptable. I know it's hard to live with a "micro-manager", as we call it here at work. Another word is "control freak". But I don't think there's anything malicious about either of those types of people. They just think they know what's best for everyone else! Just think of the good practice this is for your future job - if you can deal with your Dad, you'll be able to maneuver your way through all sorts of personality issues in the workplace - and that will allow you to go very far in your career, believe me!
Hang in there! I think you're a strong person and you can find your way through this!
~ Lynne
my dad is 50.. he should be mature about it. Everything you discribed about ur father is just like mine. He doesn't even give me space to make my own decisions. Im hanging in don't worry about that... i can't lie tho i thought about what the world would be lke if i wasn't even born.. how would people be and that sort.. but i can't change that can i? NO
Posted by geri122 on February 17, 2004, at 13:20:48
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 13:15:13
its been a while since i have last posted. I just want to let you know that i am still here and still healthy. Nothing has really changed... but i am trying to cope and deal with it. I will try to post here more frequently.
Posted by LynneDa on February 17, 2004, at 13:34:20
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 17, 2004, at 13:20:48
Hi! I'm glad to hear from you. It sounds like you're doing what you can and maintaining - which is better than sinking . . . good for you:-) Take care, I'm pulling for you - that your bad feelings will go away and/or that you learn really good coping skills to get through them!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>its been a while since i have last posted. I just want to let you know that i am still here and still healthy. Nothing has really changed... but i am trying to cope and deal with it. I will try to post here more frequently.
>
>
Posted by geri122 on March 24, 2004, at 18:15:52
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by LynneDa on February 17, 2004, at 13:34:20
It has been a very long time since i last wrote. For a while things were acually looking up, but then life made its turn. I lost control of myself. I spent the night at a friends house and well we went out, to a party. We started to drink and all of my problems seemed to disappear. I didn't have to think about my life and how horrible it was. I liked it. That was about 3 months ago, I've been doing the same since. I thought that my life was hell before, but ever since i made the decision to try to drown my problems away, everything just seemed to get worse. I have lost all my friends, but the worst part of it is i have disappointed my sister. The other night i told her i love you and good night and she couldn't say it back. I cryed. It hurt me soo much. I just wanted everything to be ok in my life. I mean i tried almost everything else. I'm really alone now. Everything is soo wrong. I mean, i'm done. i look aroung and see what it is doing to my life. I really am done. I told that to a friend and she didn't believe. This is the same friend that i use to tell everything. She was always there for me and now during a time that i need her most she leaves me. Im dying inside. I really am. I don't know what to do. And the sad thing i really don't care. I have gotten to that point were i do not care. Im sorry that i am all of a sudden telling you guys this, but i need to tell someone this. I need to!
Here, this is something i wrote about my life:
They turned their backs,
And walked away.
They leave me here,
Alone to stray.
I lost all hope of what i had,
My life has gone from good to bad.
They thought they knew about my life,
My back was stabbed with a knife.
I live in fear from all the rest,
I hide behind what's not the best.
Afraid of what could really be,
Somthing worth while for me.
They musy be perfect as could be,
Because now they all seem to judge me.
That one decision that i made,
What I'd do to make a trade.
I'm forced to walk the world in shame,
Now whose the one that i should blame?
THey turned their backs,
And walked away.
They leave me here,
Alone to stray.
They say their worried, that's their excuse,
Then why can't we make a truse?
THey run their mouths about my life,
Again, there goes another knife.
"Friends Forever" we use to say,
Why doesn't that mean something today?
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:10:25
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on March 24, 2004, at 18:15:52
Hi Geri,
I'm glad you posted again.
Alcohol can certain make it seem like the problems just go away. I think that you are very smart to realize that it doesn't really do that - that it really makes things worse. I'm so glad you could figure this out in 3 months. Lots of people take a lifetime to understand that.
A term that people use for this is "self-medicating". You were using Alcohol as a medicine to dull your pain, and you were "prescribing" it for yourself. This is such a common thing. Don't be mad that you did it, given how much pain you have been in, it is really quite understandable. But do recognize that for you to go to that extreme must mean that you really do have some situations that you feel are out of control. Recognizing that is important.
I remember that you had a favorite teacher (was it you English teacher from a previous year? my memory is terrible...). Could you think about talking to her? You can tell her that you need to talk to someone, but that you have to ask her to promise not to tell anyone what you say. She can keep that promise as long as you aren't about to kill yourself. It doesn't sound like you are ready to do that, are you? Or talk to the Guidance Counselor you mentioned.
You can start slowly - start with the situation with your friends and your sister, maybe. That you feel like they are all deserting you. Maybe that topic won't feel too scary. If she asks why you think they are doing this, you can say that you aren't quite comfortable talking about the reasons quite yet. What you need right now is for someone (some real, live, flesh and blood person) to know and understand that you are hurting. You don't have to talk about the alcohol, or the depression, or your parents. Just let someone know that you are hurting and need some support. It may be a very short conversation, and they may only be able to say "Gee, Geri, I can tell that you are really upset by this. I wish that life wasn't so hard for you. I can't really help you right now, because I don't know what is going on. But I am sorry that you are in such a bad position right now. If you decide that you want to tell me more later, I would be happy to listen."
I wish that I was your teacher or Guidance Counselor so that I could say that to you.
(((((Geri)))))
Posted by geri122 on March 25, 2004, at 15:53:47
In reply to Re: Desicions » geri122, posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:10:25
I acually had a conversation with one of the people that turned on me or whatever. I don't know what to do. i Mean i let her know what was going on. She said that they all were worried and that is why they all stopped talking to me. They said that they didn;t want me to get hurt. They said they tried to warn me or whatever, They have no clue and that is my biggest problem, they don't know. NO ONE does and that is really hard. No i can;t turn to that teacher, it is really hard to turn to a friend let alone a adult. I mean, yeah a friend could not do anything to help, but and adult can and that scares me. My biggest fear is i will tell an adult and they will go to my principle who is friends with my dad and he knows me real well. If they go to him he will go to my parents, i can't deal with that right now, I mean with all the problems that i am already dealing with, my parents are also a problem. I can't even begin to explain to them how i feel about life, and just everything. Posting here made the only sence. I just i feel so tired and dead. You know like everything around me is moving on in life except for me. I am here all alone stuck in hell. I don't know if what i am saying makes sence, because i really can't make much sence these days. I just don't know!!
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 19:23:59
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on March 25, 2004, at 15:53:47
Yes, you make perfect sense.
I really wish you could trust your teacher. If she PROMISED not to tell anyone, could you believe her? The only thing that I know of that would make her legally bound to tell someone was if you were planning to kill yourself or another person. But you aren't (right?). You are miserable, and don't know what to do, but as long as you are planning to stay alive, she SHOULD keep her promise. It is always possible that someone would break their promise, but if she is a good teacher, she will understand the importance of a promise like that.
I'm glad you talked to your friend. I guess I don't quite see why stopping talking to you is a good thing to do if they are worried about you.
I know that you are feeling so alone. I know that feeling, and I know how much better it feels to have someone else understand your pain. Can you talk to your sister? If I remember correctly, you started posting in November (or October)? That is an awfully long time to be in pain. I wish you had someone on your side.
Please think about talking to the teacher. You don't have to tell her anything that you don't want to. Give her a little bit of information, and see what she does with it. Does she listen? Does she understand why it is hard for you? Does she have any good suggestions? Does she order you to do something you aren't comfortable with? Does she go to the principal? If she asks questions that you don't want to answer, you can just say "I'm not ready to answer that question. Maybe later, but not now". Will she accept that answer? She can't MAKE you tell her anything you don't want to. You do have control. You can just talk about your sister, or your friends not talking to you - these things happen to every teenage girl. Talking about these things won't tell her anything that could be used "against" you. But it could tell you how she will react to you and whether she can help you feel less alone.
I hate to see you hurting so much for so long.
(email if you want to babble fallsfall - a hotmail account)
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 25, 2004, at 19:56:55
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on March 25, 2004, at 15:53:47
> I am here all alone stuck in hell. I don't know if what i am saying makes sence, because i really can't make much sence these days. I just don't know!!
>
<<<Geri, when comparing what you're saying to what others share here, what you are saying others say, too. Can you say which parts of your "hell" is something you caused alone?Most of us have trouble telling the difference between what other people induce onto us and which things we create. Whatever is someone elses and not ours alone, should be ignored and or avoided. It might be always right for them but cna be bad for us. If what they demand is bad for us, we need to cut those things out of our lives.
We can then be the adult that we always wanted to be. We can then float-our-own-boat! At first it feels awkward not having someone telling us how and when to think. As time goes on, we get good at it. We surprise ourselves how good we really are.
This may seem like I'm not listening to you. I am listening and hearing the same things from many people. They can't make sense out of this or that. If the decision was really theirs, they would see clearly what was going on. Someone else wants you to do something that doesn't feel right, even though you trust them (or something like this).
After age 15, the genetic-god has changed our wiring, so what used to be safe, may no longer seem safe since we have new skills of perception to look at things with. Things may now look different, but I submit, more true!
So, if we feel out of sorts, we can do ourselves a favor and trust our vision and hold testimony and opinion suspect. They are only strories about what happened, not what you saw. Trust what you saw, make a decision, and go forward!
Rod
PS: denial is an enemy of common sense. Acceptance is an adult attribute that can replace denial.
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 20:35:05
In reply to Re: Desicions are different for grown-ups » geri122, posted by 64Bowtie on March 25, 2004, at 19:56:55
Geri is 16. Don't ask her to grow up too soon.
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 26, 2004, at 2:40:31
In reply to Re: Rod... » 64Bowtie, posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 20:35:05
Posted by geri122 on March 28, 2004, at 19:54:49
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know! (nm) » fallsfall, posted by 64Bowtie on March 26, 2004, at 2:40:31
Your right i should grow up... i should be able to deal with my problems also but ican't. I don't want to open up because i don't want them to judge, but they do anyway. My life is hell, why because it seems like everything i do is wrond, like i get punished for everything i do, no matter what it is.I don't know how to be honest with myself and others expect me to be honest with them. My friend is on my case because i don't talk to her... what she doesn;t know is she has hurt me in soo many ways and she has no clue. Should i tell her and ruin what little friendship we have left...
tell my sister... im sorry but she is naive. She is the complete opposite of me. And the big reason is im embarrassed, I don't want her to know i am weak. I don't want to be weak.
Posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 6:40:22
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on March 28, 2004, at 19:54:49
I know you are embarassed. But people can't help you if they don't know what the problem is.
How strong is your friendship if you can't tell her that she has hurt you? If you believe that she really is a true friend, you should be able to talk about this.
Geri, You need to share with someone. I can tell that posting here help you - and please continue to post. But Babble is NOT a replacement for a local, real, live support system.
Human beings are community oriented creatures. That is how we survive - by leaning on and helping each other.
Sure, your embarassed. All of us are. None of us don't have things that we hide and don't want to tell. But I truly have found that having someone (anyone) else who understands what life is like for me is incredibly calming. The things that you are embarassed about (at least what you have told us) are not so weird and unusual. But they are painful. There is NOTHING embarassing about needing someone to understand you. EVERYBODY needs someone to understand them. Just start small and give someone the chance to show you that they are on your side.
You could start by talking to your teacher and asking her about confidentiality. Ask her what she would do under certain circumstances, and then list some things that apply to you and some things that don't. Like ask her what she would do if you told her you were shoplifting, or that you were into drugs, or that you were really depressed, or that all your friends were leaving you, or that you felt too embarassed to talk about what is bothering you, or that you were having sex with guys you don't know. Make up a great list - put some outlandish stuff in the list so that she knows that some of it can't be true - then she won't know where to draw the line between what could be true and what isn't.
Geri, sometimes we have to decide that we need help more than we need to keep from being embarassed. What is the worst that could happen if you talk to your teacher? If you've only asked hypothetical questions, or talked about your friends not talking to you anymore - what is she going to do? Call your parents and tell them that your friends aren't talking to you and that you have a vivid imagination? I don't think she would do that. But even if she did, your response is that your friends aren't talking to you. That you are 16. And you were testing to see how she would handle confidences - and she flunked. That doesn't seem so awful to me. Does it to you?
It is more likely that she will listen and care and maybe be concerned, and ask some questions that you can refuse to answer. And then she'll say that if you want to talk more, that she would be happy to listen.
You need to take that chance. The pain of embarassment is LESS than the pain that you are feeling now. It is scary to take that leap and trust someone, but I REALLY think that you will feel better if you do.
I'm sending you strength and courage. Keep in touch.
Posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 7:22:32
In reply to Re: Geri » geri122, posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 6:40:22
Geri,
Emmaley posted the words to a song in a thread below. When I read them I thought of you. It is the first song in her post, and it is "Strength, courage and wisdom by India Aire" I haven't heard the song, but I love the lyrics. Here's the post: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/329721.html
Thinking of you.
Posted by sfmom on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:23
In reply to Re: Geri, posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2004, at 7:22:32
Hi Geri,
I had been wondering how you were doing. . .
I can't say that I didn't self-medicate with alcohol (and other things) over the years, but I do know that it didn't work, which you've already found out. You know, my best friend since high school is now a social worker and suicide counselor. She's always been strong and I always thought she had her sh*t together. But when I was in high school, I couldn't even talk to her, and when I did, I still felt like she couldn't understand, even though she worked at a hotline even then. I'm not saying that she didn't care or didn't want to help me, but she was actually too close to me to be able to really help. Like how it's easy for us to to be totally open to each other on Babble, when we feel we could probably never say these things to our families.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but there are so many options for you. Your sister does love you, she just doesn't know how to deal with what you're going through. And, I imagine, she may be going through more than you know about. You know, she's 16 too, and it's just a hard age to be.
BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP YOU. (See list below.) There is nothing that you are going through that these people haven't heard before. These people do this because they care about helping people, and usually, have gone through similar stuff themselves. I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information, and I was just going to give you the number for your city, but I'm giving you the whole list for two reasons. 1) just in case you want to call someone outside of your city, and 2) to show you how common it is that people need help and need to talk to someone anonymously. They don't have doctors answering the phones or anything, but they do have people who can give you options and assure you that you are not alone. If you'd like me to call and get any information for you before you call I would be glad to. Just give me a list of questions and I'll ask them and write out the answers.
Just one more thing Geri, you don't need to "grow up." You've already had to deal with way too many grown-up issues and have not been able to enjoy being young. At the risk of being extremely cheesy and dating myself, "Hold on to 16 as long as you can. Changes come around real quick and make us women and men."
Please keep in touch. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I believe in you. You have more strength than you know and I know you can come through this!!!!!
Love, Lyssa
Altoona Hospital Center for Mental Health Ser
(814) 946 2141
[Crisis Line] (814) 946-2279
620 Howard Ave.
Altoona, PA 16601-4899CONTACT Altoona
(814) 946-0531
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PO Box 11
Altoona, PA 16603Contact Careline for Greater Philadelphia
(215) 877-9099
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P.O. Box 2516
Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004-6516CONTACT Beaver Valley
(724) 728-3650
[Crisis Line] (724) 728-3650 CONTACT Beaver Valley
P.O. Box 584
Beaver, PA 15009Irene Stacy Community Mental Health Center
(724) 287-0791
[Crisis Line] (724) 287-0440
(800) 292-3866
112 Hillvue Dr.
Butler, PA 16001Crisis Intervention/Teenline C/O Holy Spirit Hospital
(717) 763-2219
[Crisis Line] (717) 763-2345 Teenline
(800) 722-5385 Teenline
(717) 761-6013 Crisis Intervention
503 N. 21st Street
Camp Hill, PA 17011Northampton County Crisis Intervention
(610) 252-9060
[Crisis Line] (215) 252-9060
45 N. 2nd St.
Easton, PA 18042Northampton Co. Emergency Service
(610) 252-9060
[Crisis Line] (215) 252-9060
45 N. 2nd St.
Easton, PA 18042Erie Hotline, Inc.
(814) 456-2937 Ext 247
[Crisis Line] (814) 453-5656
PO Box 6556
Erie, PA 16512Adams/Hanover Counseling Serv
(717) 334-9111
[Crisis Line](717) 334-2121 After Hours
(717) 334-0468 9am-5pm
44 S. Franklin St.
Gettysburg, PA 17325Adams/Hanover Counsel Service
Crisis Intervention Program
(717) 632-4900
[Crisis Line] (717) 632-4900
(717) 334-0468
(717) 637-3711 After Hrs: Hanover Hospital
(717) 334-2121 After Hrs: Gettysburg Hospital
(800) 673-2426
625 West Elm Avenue
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[Crisis Line] (717) 249-6226 Carlisle
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(800) 932-4616
PO Box 90035
Harrisburg, PA 17109-0035
contact@paonline.comDauphin County Crisis Intervention
(717) 255-2705
[Crisis Line] (717) 232-7511
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kstumpp@microserve.netThe Open Door
(724) 465-2605
[Crisis Line] (724) 465-2605
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webmaster@theopendoor.orgFamily Services
(717) 394-2631
[Crisis Line] (717) 394-2631
1120 Francis Ave
Lancaster, PA 17601Contact Lancaster Helpline
(717) 291-2261
[Crisis Line] (717) 786-5444 Hensel/Kirkwood Access
(717) 394-2000 Teen Line/Kids Line
(717) 299-7184 TTY (Deaf and Voice)
(717) 299-4855
(717) 738-0738 Denver/Adamstown Access
447 E. King St.
Lancaster, PA 17602Northeast Counseling Services
(717) 735-7590
[Crisis Line] (717) 455-6385
(717) 735-7590
130 W. Washington St.
Nanticoke, PA 18634-3113Contact E.A.R.S. Helpline
(724) 652-0333
[Crisis Line] (724) 657-8255 Contact Teenline
(724) 658-5529
PO Box 7804
New Castle, PA 16107Montgomery Co. Emer. Serv. Inc
(610)-279-6100
Caller Box 3005
Norristown, PA 19404-3005Philadelphia Suicide & Crisis Cntr
(215) 685-6440
[Crisis Line] (215) 686-4420
1101 Market 7th Floor
Philadelphia, PA 19107Carnagie Library of Pittsburgh Helpline
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Pittsburgh, PA 15213Contact Pittsburgh, Inc.
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York Hospital
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Posted by LynneDa on March 29, 2004, at 12:27:06
In reply to (((Geri))), posted by sfmom on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:23
Hi Geri - it's very good to hear from you, I was wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing well.
You are not weak just because you need help getting through this time. I know it feels embarrassing, I've struggled with that thought too. But, I really urge you to contact one of the numbers Lyssa gave you.
Great news that you tried the self-medication route and realized it was a bust. There's nothing like getting it over and done with early in your life instead of struggling with it way into adulthood :-). Please don't beat yourself up over that. It's over and done with. Everyone I know has gone thru some sort of "experimentation" stage. Your sister probably will in college if she doesn't do it in high school.
Your friends. People have a hard time sticking by someone who is going through a hard time. They don't know what to say or do. They may be confusing your depression with stand-offish-ness. They just may not know how to read you or what to say or do. They are dealing with their own issues and may not have any extra energy to give to you. Teens (and people in general) are fearful of people who make different choices. Your choice to party probably did push them away. I would talk to them and tell them you know it was wrong, it was a phase and now you're done with it. You may have to take the first step with this. Sometimes people don't want to be close to a person who is struggling emotionally because it reminds them too much how fragile they are as well. It's like they're afraid it will rub off on them!!
Try not to take it too personally, because you'll only end up being disappointed! I'm not trying to be negative, but realistic. Please realize how strong you are on the inside. Don't give up trying to reach people. Someone will eventually click with you and be able to listen and share their own struggles. You just haven't found him or her yet.
Geri - Can you list out what the issues are right now in your life? Just feeling depressed? But what does it lead to or what are the causes. If we are going to attack and fix ourselves, we have to know what we're dealing with. Feeling like everything you do is wrong? Keep a journal about your decisions and actions. Are they really that wrong? Is there really nothing you do right? Who defines right and wrong for you? What are the motivations behind your actions - maybe those are okay, but they were just misperceived and maybe you can explain or write in a note what you really meant.
These are the kinds of things you can talk over with a counselor, once you've unloaded about feeling blah, depressed, etc. They will take things event by event and help you unravel them. Right now, it feels like you've got this big tangled ball of yarn and it's hard to see where things begin and end and how to get it all straightened out, isn't it?
I really wish I could be there in person to talk to you face to face or take you to someone anonymous! Talk therapy really does help sort things through. It takes the pressure off, gives you something tangible to work on in your life.
Please keep writing. I loved your poem. It hit the nail on the head for many people, I am sure. I'm sorry you feel alone and betrayed. You are not weak, you are wise because of your experiences and introspection. We just have to get you through your agony so you can enjoy these years in your life!!! YOU are important!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on March 30, 2004, at 16:37:37
In reply to (((Geri))), posted by sfmom on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:23
I have had several talks with a few of my friends... The one well she tried to blame the world on me, make it seem like it was all my fault. She told me that i was supposed to be the smart one for them to turn to when they wanted to make a mistake. They wanted to use me as a scapegoat... they don't know.. i tried to explain to them what was going on but she didn't want to hear it. "I'm making excuses for my life that i am ruining". She doesn;t want to listen, she wants to hurt me.
THe other friend, she has been the most understanding. but today when i talked to her she called me a liar and walked away. How can i tell these people when they don't want to hear it.
My sister, yeah well i could tell her but there are many reasons holding me back. She is naive, she won't know what to do, so she will go to my parents. I don't want that, or i would tell them myself. If she doesn't tell them she well say something to someone else. She has done that. My whole "self-medicating" situation, she went and told the whole school. That is what caused a lot of problems.
I don't want to make excuses that is not what im trying to do. They just don't understand.. i can't trust people for a reason.
How can i open up to others when i can't to my dad. I have talked about him before, but things have gotten worse with him. I could deal with him, but my mom can't. She has mentioned divorse and leaving and everything. He doesn't respect us at all... i can't even look at him in the face.Do you know how hard that is.. i hate him soo much that i hate myself. Everyone that i have ever put my trust in has hurt me. I don't want to take that chance anymore. I just don't.
Yeah i could tell a teacher, but i can't. She has been worried about me for a while. She already expects that i am depressed. She has sent me to the principals office over it. I didn't say anything because i know it will only hurt me. I am trapped, trapped in this world that won't allow me to see good. Im trying soo hard to relize that its not my fault that i fell this way. I don't want to admit to the world that i have a problem because i can't even admit it to myself.YOu don't know how many times i have looked at sharp objects then down at my wrist. Sometimes i feel so dead inside i just need some proof to let me know other wise. I don't want to kill myself... i don't. But sometimes i think about it.. i know that i will never do it.. but i think reall hard. I don't want to run, but im not ready to let them know. Its been over a year and im still not ready. Im trying to fill one gap at a time, but another one just appears.
Writing here does help fill a void... I know that i have lived life a lot more in one year then others have their whole life. I know that i still have a lot og growing up to do, but i also know that i have a lot of living to do also. One of my biggest problems is i don't forget. I often live so far in the past i don't see the present. Im tring i really am.
Posted by LynneDa on March 30, 2004, at 16:57:19
In reply to Re: (((Geri))), posted by geri122 on March 30, 2004, at 16:37:37
Geri - Wow! You have done a lot of reaching out and have been turned down in many ways. I'm proud of you for hanging in there. I know the situation with your Dad is unbearable and I'm so sorry to hear that. Be glad you can get out of it in another year or so. It sounds like your Mom needs to make a choice if your Dad isn't going to change. You are not him, you will make different choices and will conduct your life in a totally different way.
I understand that you don't want to talk to the principal, since he knows your Dad. I understand that the issues are so sensitive and not everyone can keep them confidential. That makes it harder. I hate it that you feel you are stuck.
Question: What is it that your friends don't believe? The reasons why you started partying and/or that you won't do it anymore? Or just that much of your behavior stems from being depressed and you're just reaching out for anything that might make you feel better?
Another question: Do YOU feel like you're doing anything to ruin your life? That is the most important question.
You sound stronger, more sure of yourself. I think you're going to be okay in the long run. You are in a search, a struggle to find your way. Everyone has bumps and bruises, and big gashes even, while they're on the path to adulthood. Like Lyssa and I think fallsfall said - don't grow up too fast. Take it at your own pace. Do what you have to do to get by. Even when it seems like you're miserable and not gaining any ground . . . trust me . . . you are learning and growing and things you go thru now will make more sense later. That's the best I can tell you - a professional counselor would be so beneficial for you at this point! He or she could really help you work thru your issues and determine good, healthy responses to your various situations. I wish there was a way for you to have that.
You're going to do okay, I can feel it!! I wish you peace and love little one, you deserve it!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by geri122 on April 5, 2004, at 16:17:41
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on March 28, 2004, at 19:54:49
I have tried to reach out that is my problem. I try to explain to them what is going on through my head but they don't seem to care. I thought i knew these people, i thought we were friends, but i guess i was wrong.
I only have one more year of this "hell" then i can get away from everything. I know that that won't make the problems go away, but it will help.
I just do't want this to affect my life anymore then it already has!
Posted by octopusprime on April 8, 2004, at 10:42:08
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know!, posted by geri122 on April 5, 2004, at 16:17:41
geri -
reaching out is *never* the problem. you have to do what is best for you, and you carry too heavy a burden to shoulder all on your own.
that said, some people are not strong enough to help you carry your load. and it may not be that they don't care, it may be that they don't understand or they don't know how to show that they care or they don't know what to say or do.
it's hard, it's disappointing, and i have felt that disappointment when i have reached out to others and got the cold shoulder or a blank stare and nod in return. it hurts.
but keep trying. there *are* supportive people that want to help you. we want to help at babble. your teachers and health-care workers want to help. there are support groups that can help you. and your parents might want to help (though family is difficult, they don't always understand either, as you found with your sister)
you're on the right track by reaching out, even though it is hard you. please keep trying and moving forward. we're rooting for you.
Posted by geri122 on April 13, 2004, at 9:34:12
In reply to Re: Rod... Oooops... Didn't know! » geri122, posted by octopusprime on April 8, 2004, at 10:42:08
I have heard both the positive and negative sides to turning to someone for help. I know that all of you in some way know what i am dealing with, that is why it is so easy, also, im not face to face with you. I don't know how to say it. I place them into words and give them to someone, but that makes it easier for them to pretend nothing was said. I have seen it all. At the age of 16 i have seen and dealt with it all. Death, rage, hatred, distruction, depression, and yes i have even seen love. When you see life you don't always see it as you want. That is normal. But when you see your life as a thing you don't want to live you have a problem. i know that i have things that i need to face, but there are things i personally need to do before that. I have tried to deny all of this for so long a part of me still does not want to believe. I don't really understand what is going on through my head, i should before i expect others to. No one in life is perfect and i know that, but why do i find myself wishing to trade lives with so many others???
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