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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 67 to 91 of 233. Go back in thread:
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:11:05
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:08:52
anger would be the word. like i have said before he would think i am faking... its just not easy and i don't want to deal with it. I mean yea yeah after a hile he would understand, but i don't want to wait a while i don't want to explain. I shouldn't have to
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:13:30
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:08:14
Honey, the only way to get better is to push thru the really bad stuff. You have to go thru that process to get to a place where you can start healing. I'm sorry, but that has to be your next step. You can only go there if you're ready. But, whatever the consequences, it can't be as bad as how you feel on a daily basis, can it? It took me many years to learn that keeping the peace is not always worth it - it's good in the short term, but is unhealthy and totally disabling in the long term!
It's true that parents get to speak their minds and kids don't. I have that habit with my daughter at times. It's all in the way you do it. Don't tell them what they're doing wrong. Stick to "I" statements and talk about your feelings. I wish I could be a fly on the wall and help talk you thru a conversation with them. I know it is not easy!!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:17:12
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:13:30
yeah ur rights its not easy.. and i know i need to take that srep. I was acually thinking about haveig my friend that i told come to the coucler with me.. you know for support. im getting there it just takes time
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:21:09
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:11:05
What would he be angry about, that you are causing a rift in the family? That you are trying to get attention? Is it about what they are not doing for you or is it more about the fact you feel empty and sad inside and are having trouble coping with life right now? If he or your mom feel uncomfortable dealing with emotions, feelings and talking, can you ask them if you can see a counselor? Would that freak them out and embarass them?
I totally understand that you don't feel like hassling with it right now. It's exhausting. I'm trying to think of ways to build up your emotional strength so you can feel brave enough to do this. I know it's tough.
I don't know your whole situation, but you do have to explain it to your parents - how your thoughts evolved to the point they are at right now. Children are a mystery to us adults. We remember what it was like, but each one of you are different and see things differently than we did. Sometimes we need a little guidance from you :-)! It may only take a few words or conversations to get your point across and then he may get it.
Please do what's best for you right now. Whatever that is, I support you. I just want you to find some relief!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:23:42
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:17:12
Great idea . . . you are definitely getting there and I am proud of you. You should be proud of yourself cuz you are thinking through your issues and trying to find solutions for them. Keep thinking about what's best for you . . . I know that is a risky and unfamiliar thought pattern, but in the end it will be okay!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:25:56
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:21:09
please don't always worry about me.. i don't want to worry. Im not going to hurt myself any any one else ast that natter. ill be ok.. please don't worry
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:27:28
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:23:42
im trying to get better be happy and because of people like you i will.. thanks u soo much for everything... because of people like you i can often smile and say people do really care
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:29:45
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:25:56
OK, I won't worry :-). But I'm a nurturer and problem-fixer by nature, so my instinct is to want to guide you until you can start feeling better - I know, that's not my job!
I don't think you are at risk for harming yourself or others. I just know how awful it feels to be sad and I am so much more stable myself since I started on meds and go to counseling every other month or so. I have 2 or 3 great friends who understand what I'm feeling and that has made all the difference. Just know we're here for you if you have no one else and need to talk, vent or want encouragement, ok?
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:32:28
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:27:28
Good, then I guess my purpose is being served!! Have a fun, relaxing weekend. It's supposed to snow here - my daughter is totally psyched for sledding!
~ Lynne
Posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2003, at 8:27:50
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:27:28
Hi Geri,
I'm glad you are hanging in there. Just making it through the days is an accomplishment. How are you feeling now? Are you able to sleep at night? Can you pay attention in your classes? Are you still thinking about death? I'm glad that you aren't at the point where you would hurt yourself or anyone else. That is a relief.
Is the friend you told able to be supportive for you? Did she say that when you were ready she would go to see the counselor with you?
I'm sorry about your lack of privacy. Are you aware that most public libraries have computers for the public to use? If you need some help in removing pointers to this site from your computer, I can help - please email me at Babble FallsFall at yahoo.com. I wish you could tell your dad, but I don't want your contact with us to be cut off just because you aren't ready to talk to him.
I hope you have some fun things planned for this weekend.
Sounds like you are on the right track.
Posted by geri122 on December 15, 2003, at 14:39:08
In reply to Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2003, at 8:27:50
yes i am hanging in here, day by day night by night, im doing it.My days are long, but my nights are longer. I don't like to come home, i don't like to think, and that is all i do when i am here. things here trigger me.. a situation triggers me.
Do i still think about death, of course i don't think that will ever change. Will i do it to myself i don't think i am to that point yet. Hopefully never.
My privacy.. yeah i have never had that. BUt i want to tell you this, my dad will never cut off any contact with you guys. I won't allow him. you guys help me, something he doesn't do.. he can't take this away from me i won't allow him. Never!
Posted by sfmom on December 15, 2003, at 19:32:38
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 15, 2003, at 14:39:08
Hi Geri,
Sorry I haven't posted for a few days. I've been dealing with some crap of my own and am feeling pretty down. But that's how it goes, we all have some ups and some downs. The meds I've been on have helped me to actually have more up days than down ones lately, but it still happens.
I really loved your idea about your friend going with you to see a counselor. Sometimes just having someone there to hold your hand or give you a hug can make all the difference in the world. Have you found someone you can see in your area? If not, may I suggest that you or your friend call the hotline that Lynne got for you? You don't even have to talk to them if you don't want, just sit next to your friend while she calls and explains the situation and tells them that you are ready for help. I know it is a huge step, but one that we all think you are ready for. Please let us know what you decide to do so that we can offer all the support possible.
I was also really sorry to hear about your privacy issues at home. It really sucks that your dad is on your back. I don't know all of the situation, and it could be that he's always been like that, but I just have to say this and I apologize if I'm out of line, but maybe, just maybe, he senses that there has been something wrong in your life and doesn't know how to approach you about it so is encroaching on your privacy to one, try to be closer to you, and two, to try to find out what's wrong. Just another perspective to consider. . .
Are you out of school for winter break yet? What are your plans over the holidays? I know the holidays can be very stressful and I hope you'll have some time to yourself and with your friends. How about for New Year's Eve? Geez, I don't even have plans for New Year's and it's my 30th birthday! Yikes, I'm getting old!
Anyway, keep in touch and know we're all thinking about you.
Posted by sfmom on December 15, 2003, at 22:02:39
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by sfmom on December 15, 2003, at 19:32:38
Geri,
Like I said before, I've been out of it for a few days, but I just read what you posted to Lisa and just wanted to tell you how beautiful it was to me to see you reaching out your hand to another person in your situation. Perhaps you'll feel some of what we feel for you. . .
Bless you. You are truly special.
Love, Lyssa
P.S. How about some more poetry or a story??? I'd love to hear them, and I could use a pleasant distraction right now. Speaking of stories, my friend was published in a book of short stories last year entitled, "That Takes Ovaries!). I highly recommend it but don't know how far it was distributed.
Posted by fallsfall on December 15, 2003, at 22:13:47
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 15, 2003, at 14:39:08
Hey Geri,
I'm glad you are hanging in there. I'm sorry that your nights are still difficult. I wish that you could see a doctor, because they probably could give you meds that would help with that. And the days feel so much better when you get good sleep in the nights.
If you are thinking about talking to the counselor at school, I think that would be a great idea. Bringing your friend would be terrific. There could be an advantage to talking to her before school gets out for vacation. It doesn't have to be a long talk - maybe even just that you've been a bit depressed and you would like to talk to her about it after vacation. I say this because I know that there have been times when it has really helped me feel better to know that there was someone who was willing to help me - even if I couldn't talk to them at the time. I expect that you will spend a little more time at home during vacation than you do when school is in session - and I certainly understand when you say that your home is triggering. My home is triggering to me, too - it represents all of the responsibilties that I feel like I can't handle right now. So I guess if I were you, that I would feel better over the vacation if I knew there was someplace that I could go (after vacation was over) where someone was willing to help me. Maybe that's just me - I'm a real planner. I like to have things lined up so that I always know that things will be OK.
I hope you have snow. It snowed last night here, and school was cancelled today. It looks really pretty.
I hope you can find some joy for Christmas (if you celebrate Christmas...!)
Posted by LynneDa on December 16, 2003, at 9:15:27
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 15, 2003, at 14:39:08
Hi! It is really hard when you feel like your Dad is checking up on you. I would hate that too. It could be a negative thing, but more than likely he's worried and has no clue what to do! Men are practical and they are fixers. They see a problem and they want to do something about it - they seek a solution, and they don't always go about it in the most sensitive of ways! Here's an idea: If you think he's reading your computer, you should create a document that's titled "Dad, please read". Wouldn't that blow him away :-)!
A question for you. What kinds of incidents and situations trigger things for you? Maybe talking through specifics and giving you ideas on how to handle situations differently could help. We can give you the benefit of our YEARS of experience being on both sides of the family fence :-)!
Geri honey - Please remember and tell yourself every day: YOU are a wonderful human being with lots to offer the world. YOU deserve to feel better. You will have a happy future, I believe that. Please know that this is a temporary, fixable condition and that there is help available in many forms. Just get strong and take the steps you need to take. You will get there!!!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 16, 2003, at 14:52:28
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on December 16, 2003, at 9:15:27
Winter beak is just around the corner, and i am afraid of it. I mean i don't want to be home all day, having to worry about things it will bring. I don't want to deal with my dadI will be honest with you sometimes i feel selfish. I don't have a father that beats me or anything like that,, but sometimes i wish that that would be the case. I mean i don't want to hate him, i don't want to not be able to talk to him, i don't want to be afraid but i am. There are people that are worse off then me, and i would trade in a heart beat, i want that reason to feel the way i do, sometimes that is the hardest to deal with.
I feel like he uses me as the scape goat, something goes wrong its my fault, even if its really not. He amkes me feel little, not important. Im better then that, i want to be better then that. What triggers it. Walking into the house after a long day and getting yelled out for nothing. I have a twin sister, and when does something wrong its not her fault but mine. I hate mydefl for hating him. I want to be that dady's girl but i know that i will never be. I want to know that he loves me, but sometimes i question. its a lot to deal with.. and on top of that i don't even really know who i am. Ever one needs something to control, thier life, anything, i feel like i have lost that. I feel like everything has taken over me. It is stronger then i can handle. I swear i could write a book and im only 16,. I knw i have my whole life to live... but sometimes its hard. how can ilive the future if i can't foegt the past. It weights be down, i can't forget
Posted by LynneDa on December 16, 2003, at 15:19:29
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 16, 2003, at 14:52:28
Feeling unimportant and not knowing who you are and how you fit into the family and your world - that is common to us all - and you should try to write about it :-). I know it is especially hard right now since you're in between being a kid and an adult! And you also have the whole hormone thing to contend with - that affects your emotional and physical health tremendously.
But, sweetie, be relieved by the fact that knowing who you are is a life-long journey - it's not a destination! Try to take each situation as it comes along - think it through and decide who you are and what you believe for that moment in time. You don't have to have all the answers just yet. You are still collecting experiences and in the building stage!!
I'm sorry to hear he blames you for so many things. That is emotional abuse and it is just as real as physical abuse. I always considered myself a strong person, but my ex-husband was very emotionally abusive and it finally tore me down to a nub. I felt stupid telling my friends I wanted to leave him. He didn't hit me or run around on me and he was always kind to me except when he was depressed, angry, manic or drinking too much!
Are you the stronger between you and your twin? I guess you can't talk to her about this or you would have already mentioned it. People actually have a tendency to pick on people who are strong in some ways because strength can come across as defiance and defiance is seen as provoking - even when the defiance came as a result of your Dad's behavior and not vice versa.
I hate to suggest this cuz it is not healthy, but you almost have to learn to walk on eggshells around him, so to speak. But, be aware you are doing it and since it is a CHOICE you will make, maybe it will give you some feeling of control.
It's hard growing up. Your Dad is human and it's doubtful he knows how much his behavior and lack of caring, or even bad manners toward you, is harming you. Where does your Mom weigh in on all of this?
Posted by geri122 on December 16, 2003, at 16:58:51
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on December 16, 2003, at 15:19:29
i am the stonger one, i guess i have always been. but i doesn;t make it right. you know. i know i have a lot to deal with, i am just glad i can come here and vent about it
Posted by LynneDa on December 17, 2003, at 11:12:25
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 16, 2003, at 16:58:51
Hi! Hope you had a good Wednesday. You're right - just because you are the stronger one doesn't make it right to be treated worse! I guess in some way knowing the reasons things happen - whether they're rational or not - helps me to understand the situation and maybe come up with a solution.
If you could make 3 realistic, concrete changes in your life, what would they be? Think specifically, not in general ("I'd like to change my relationship with my Dad" is specific vs. "I want to be happy" which is too general.)
For your holiday break, I know you don't want to hang around the house! What type of freedom do you have - use of a car? Are you into volunteer work - nursing home, YMCA children's programs, etc? They always need extra help during the holidays when schools are closed and more kids need day care. Do you have any friends who you can just go to their house and hang out? You may not feel like you're close enough to anyone to "impose", but maybe give it a try and ask! Every day that you can have a planned activity will be one less day you have to stress over!
Take care!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 22, 2003, at 14:45:44
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on December 17, 2003, at 11:12:25
it is hard, hard to wake up and know that you are nothing. worthless. Its really hard toknow that ur own family doesn't appreciate everything you do. Its hard to want to have an excuzz like abuse to hate him. He never hit me, never once, but sometimes it feels like at least then i would have a reason. Its hard to think that no one cares, and those who do are through a computer. Its hard because im afraid to get help.
Do you wanna know somthing. My friend, the one that i talk to about EVERYTHING, is also depressed. Its is hard but yet it easier. She knows how i feel and she tryes to help. Sometimes i hold back, i don't want to put more pain or confusion upon her. She told me that she felt the same, but wants me to tell her cuz it makes her feel good when she helps me.
Its hard. sometimes you get tired of runnin, tired of being somebody your not. u wake up and have to pretenmd you are happy, and sometimes u just can't. You don't want to answer the questions, but you don't want to lie. Everythings a mess and i don't want to deal with it
Posted by LynneDa on December 22, 2003, at 16:19:12
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 22, 2003, at 14:45:44
Geri - You are NOT worthless! You just happen to live with people who are self-occupied, poor communicators and probably unsure how to handle a teen-ager! I know that doesn't make it better, but try not to let the faults and weaknesses of others reflect on how you feel about YOU. You are a wonderful person - sensitive, caring compassionate, expressive and kind.
I completely understand that you are exhausted and tired of dealing with the whole thing. So, don't deal with it. Just live your life. What if you didn't pretend? What if you were just you - the way you actually feel? I don't mean be rude or beligerent, but don't worry so much about the image you're presenting. It's a huge thought, to take a step or 2 out of your established circle and role in the family or with friends, I know. But it would certainly take the pressure off of you if you could do it. Even for a day, or just an hour!
I am glad your friend confided in you about her depression too. That's got to be a big relief, not to be so alone! It does take some mental energy to listen to others' problems, but if it's a sharing session, then don't be so worried about her ability to listen to your sadness. You don't need to take responsibility for her emotional load - that is for her to decide!! If you can learn to let go of a little of that worry, you'll be waaaaaayyyy ahead of me and save yourself years of therapy and probably save you from choosing the wrong man!!!
What kinds of questions are you referring to at the end of your post that you don't want to answer but you don't want to lie? Just the general, "what's wrong?" or "how are you doing?"
What you're living through right now is so hard, but you will get through it, it's just going to take more time. You are in the first stage - before getting help - which is the hardest. Please, please consider talking to a doctor, friend's parent, teacher, any older person you know (older sibling of a friend)etc. You don't have to dump the whole load on him or her. Just waving a red flag or 2 could help alert someone you're hurting.
Hang in there sweetie, you are worth it and I want you to look yourself in the mirror every morning and night and tell yourself "I am worth it!" Sounds corny & it is very hard to do, but you've got to replace some of the negative self-talk and negative vibes you feel coming at you with something positive. It really will help you after a while of doing it :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on December 23, 2003, at 0:41:34
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on December 22, 2003, at 16:19:12
Geri,
I couldn't agree with Lynne more. One, I know for a fact that you are NOT worthless. I know that you are a sensitive, caring and intellegent young woman, and I know that without ever having laid eyes on you. And two, what is the worst that could happen if you stopped pretending? Okay, your dad may think that you are "faking," and quite honestly, so what? Would that be any worse than the relationship you have with him now? I know that it's difficult to admit your frailties and fears to other people. And your dad may not be ready to hear them. But I am glad that you are talking to your friend. Are you able to help each other? I know what she means about feeling good to be able to provide support to the people you care about. Hey, why do you think I check my e-mail every day??? It's because we care about you and have been through what you are going through and know how hard it is and wish we had people to provide some support to us.I wish I could write more to you tonight, but I really have to go to sleep now. Please keep us up to date about what you're doing and how we can help. If you ever need to talk, just ask and I'll e-mail you my phone number. (I don't really want to post my home number on the internet.) Also feel free to call Lynne if you need to. No strings attached, we just want to help you get through this.
Good night, sweet dreams, God bless, you are loved.
Lyssa
Posted by geri122 on December 24, 2003, at 10:13:01
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on December 22, 2003, at 16:19:12
"I am worth it".. i am, when i say i don't want to answer but i don't want to lie, i mean, People ask me whats wrong, i could say nothing and lie. But i do want to tell you know.. its hard and yes i have said this before, but sometimes i find it easier to deal with it when i keep repeating myself. Yes it is great that i have my friend to turn to, i acually might have her come here, she might find it easier to talk them me. To be honest i do. I love her and everything, she is my best friend, and i will plan on telling her, think of what i am going to say the night before just so i don't choke, but then when that day comes it never works. YOu know what you want to say, but the hardest part is saying it. I find myself writing letters and then not giving them to her. I am getting there that i can admitt. Slowly but surely wins the race right!
Posted by LynneDa on December 24, 2003, at 10:31:41
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 24, 2003, at 10:13:01
You're doing great, sweetie! Just keep pushing in the right direction. Slow but steady is just fine. Writing letters is the best way for you, it seems. I love email and writing cuz you can think about what you want to say and change it many times before printing it out or sending it. My husband and I even do that when emotions are too high and we know talking will just lead to an unproductive argument! Definitely, having your friend help you talk to your parents or anyone else is a plus. It'll help you stay on track in the conversation, keep you calm and lend credibility to what you have to say.
What are you doing for Christmas tomorrow? I'm at work now, but will be off til January 5 so won't be posting much. I will check in a few times however. I'll be curious to hear how you're doing! Try to plan activities and stick to them if you can. Being depressed and sad doesn't give you much energy, so you may have to force yourself to do things that you know will get you out of the house at least once a day!
I wish I could do more for you . . . never doubt that you will get through this. The valuable lessons are learned from the hard times more than the good. I truly believe that there's a plan for each of us and there's a lesson we're supposed to learn from everything we go through, hard as it is to see sometimes. What you're going through now will make you more insightful, stong and compassionate in the future. Just don't ever give up or give in!
I wish you a Merry Christmas with peace, joy and love! Take care Geri!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 27, 2003, at 9:40:54
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on December 24, 2003, at 10:31:41
My christmas... well lets just say it was not a merry one. I fell so selfish, but yet knowing that doesn't change the way i feel. Every year, like any child would, they would await the day were they can get up early and open gifts from "Santa". We are all adults here, or at least old enough to know that santa is now real. Sometimes i wish he was. Every year on christmas morning, i go downstairs and open the gifts. And every year i find my self disappointed. I know that christmas is not all about gifts, but it is part of it. Well i got one thing from my christmas list (thats it). I was ok with that, well then i tryed to work it and it didn't work. The one gift that i wanted and go did not work. I delt with it, didn't show how i was feeling because i didn't want my dad to yell and call me selfish or ungratful.
The next day, 12-26, i went to the mall with ny sister and friend. She went with 400 dollars, i wasn't even close. SHe recieved so much for christmas, she had the christmas i always wanted, but will never get. Yeah well, i wasn't having fun at the mall all i wanted to do was go off an be by myself, i didn't want to deal with it, i felt so frustrtaed and confused i felt like i was breaking down, and i really didn't know why.
It has been a really hard year, all i wanted was for somthing good to happen to me. did it.. No. I know that no one lives are perfect, i can deal with that. But why do i find myself want to switch lives with someone all the time. THeir lives seem so much easier then mine, so much better!
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