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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by almondjoy on September 13, 2003, at 0:46:00
I'm not generally so insecure, but my relationship w/ my guy (1 year in 5 weeks) scares me. I always worry he's eventually going to get tired of me being sick (anxiety/depression) Everything is cool (except for my moodiness) then I get really depressed and cry alot, which makes him really uncomfortable, or i have a panic attack or don't want to go out for weeks...ahhhh i feel like he must be fustrated, and even more so because i sometimes ask him if he's fustrated or if he's sick of me.
i don't want to ruin things because of my insecurity, if my mental health is part of just who i am, who he accepts, as is, but i can't get it off my mind.
its good in someways, cos i can "fake it till i make it" if i know we'll be seeing each other, i don't wallow, put on a happy face but he knows when im not ok.
this is the longest relationship i've been in, i never wanted one, and wham---i fell in love (for 3 months i thought i was magically cured by love, stopped taking meds) but i started back (and this time for...infinity...???...
i just get so scared he'll break up with me (even though we're stable) everytime i panic or freakout..like on the 99th time I say, sorry babe, i just wanna stay in or the 300th night of me running to the bathroom so i wont wake him crying all night....im rambling...tired
i just need some feedback, anyone in a similar situation on either end, anyone, anyone, anyone?
Posted by Dinah on September 13, 2003, at 9:04:54
In reply to Insecure in relationship, posted by almondjoy on September 13, 2003, at 0:46:00
Hello, and welcome.
I have resolved never to try to give relationship advice again, because I haven't much experience with it. I've been with my husband for close to a quarter century.
But I wanted to welcome you. And to tell you I'm sorry that you're feeling unhappy and scared in a relationship. I too have problems with abandonment fears. Do you think being back on your medications will help? Are you in therapy?
I think it's terrific that you're aware of your insecurities and want to deal with them in a way that helps your relationship.
Dinah
Posted by fallsfall on September 13, 2003, at 9:29:11
In reply to Insecure in relationship, posted by almondjoy on September 13, 2003, at 0:46:00
I know that it is often true for me that I think other people are thinking awful things about me, or that they might think awful things about me. But I have found that if I ASK them, that they really aren't thinking awful things. They are fine and I am worrying about nothing.
You said a couple of things in your post:
who he accepts, as is
even though we're stable
These statements make me think that he may be having less of a problem than you think he is. They say that the relationship is going pretty well,in fact.
You also said: "i sometimes ask him if he's fustrated or if he's sick of me". What does he say when you ask him that? If he says "I'm not frustrated or sick of you" then you need to believe that. Sometimes I try to tell myself that what they say isn't how they really feel - but, it really is how they really feel. Or even if it isn't, it is their responsibility to be honest with you and tell you the truth. All you can do is go on what he says. So if he says he is fine, then he IS fine.
I guess I would just encourage you to talk to him more. My guess is that things are better than you think.
Good luck.
Posted by justyourlaugh on September 13, 2003, at 18:30:44
In reply to Re: Insecure in relationship » almondjoy, posted by fallsfall on September 13, 2003, at 9:29:11
dear sweet joy..
please believe you are what you are and if ..your mate was to walk..then let him walk now...
as been said "talk to him'
if you are really in love he must be your best friend...talk...please share your concerns..
cry with him..
be strong joy
be strong..
j
Posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 13:50:26
In reply to Insecure in relationship, posted by almondjoy on September 13, 2003, at 0:46:00
Hello, Almond Joy. :-)
>>I always worry he's eventually going to get tired of me being sick (anxiety/depression)
<<Symptom of your depression, worrying about things that might go wrong.
>>Everything is cool (except for my moodiness) then I get really depressed and cry alot, which makes him really uncomfortable
<<He loves you. :-) So I'm sure seeing you hurt makes him hurt. Not the ideal situation, I know, but he's a wonderful person for being so strong when you need someone.No relationship is perfect, and a relationship involving someone with emotional issues like depression/anxiety, can make it even tougher to cope. Trust me, I know. I'm the depressive in any relationship I've ever been in. :-) And I've also dated a guy with serious depression problems. But it sounds like your guy is pretty darned cool.
Throughout history there have been strong partners who have empathized and understood what their partner is going through, and they are OK with that. We rarely seem to hear about them now because all the relationship talk is about how you shouldn't put up with someone who is *dysfunctional* or *unhappy all the time,* etc. But you *can* have depression/anxiety/fill-in-the blank and be a healthy partner, too. And there's no reason he would want to leave a healthy partner that he loves. :-)
I mean that. Do you respect him and care for him? Are you honest with him? Do you meet some of his needs and some of his wants? And are you trying to deal with your anxiety/depression head on, trying to make your life as healthy as possible? (No person will *ever* meet *all* of another's needs or wants.) If you are doing these things, then you are giving back to him, too, which is wonderful. It's *okay* to let the other person be strong once in a while. It's *okay* not to be in the perfect mood all the time, and that *doesn't* mean you aren't worth dating and loving.
Damage (to a relationship) can come when you don't acknowledge you have an emotional/mental health problem and don't try to cope with it. Or when you use unhealthy ways of coping, like trying to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol or infidelity. It's *okay* to tell your partner you are sad, or that you are scared he'll leave, or that you just want to stay in tonight. It's not *okay* to turn your moodiness around and act like it's his fault, or to yell at him just because you feel crummy yourself. I'm not saying you do these things at all. I'm just trying to point out different ways depression can manifest itself in a person's behavior. And why a person with emotional problems can still be a *healthy* person. It's not *what* you feel that defines you, it's how you cope with it.
And he apparently sees someone (you) who is fun, interesting, kind, attentive to him, loves him, etc., and from whom he gains quite a lot just knowing and hanging out with. :-) That's wonderful! People are only perfect on TV. :-)
If it makes you feel better, you could try and find some groups for partners of depressed persons, or books. Help him understand a bit better what you are going through, etc. There is a great book out on how to ncope with a loved one who is depressed, but I can't think of the name right now. I'll find it if you want, though.
Does any of this make sense? What I'm trying to say to you, bottom line, is even if you have depression/bipolar/schizophrenia/anxiety/whatever, YOU ARE STILL WORTH LOVING AND HE'S NOT A FOOL TO STICK AROUND! :-)
Really.
Susan
Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2003, at 13:54:59
In reply to Re: Insecure in relationship » almondjoy, posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 13:50:26
What a great post! I do like that concept of being able to be a healthy partner even if you have emotional issues.
Because even if there are some ways that I'm not coping in the most relationship-friendly manner, it still helps to think of the behaviors as being the problem instead of myself as being unfit to be a wife/mother/etc.
Do you mind if I print it out?
Posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 14:06:56
In reply to Re: Insecure in relationship » Susan J, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2003, at 13:54:59
Dinah,
> Because even if there are some ways that I'm not coping in the most relationship-friendly manner, it still helps to think of the behaviors as being the problem instead of myself as being unfit to be a wife/mother/etc.
>
> Do you mind if I print it out?<<Thanks! Please, feel free to print it out. Actually, you were a bit of my inspiration on this one. I know I haven't been here long, but I have gathered that you have been married for quite a while. And having that type of longevity, I figured something was working right for the both of you. :-)
And I *truly* think it's the behavior that's wrong, never the *person.* My therapist told me that *nothing* I feel is ever wrong, like anger, hatred, fear, sadness, etc. It's just what I *do* with those feelings that matter. Which is good. Because I'm really bad at even trying to control my emotions. :-)
And I'm hopeful, too. As a person who'd like to meet a life partner/get married/etc., I've got to believe there's something good and worthy about me, even if I am fighting (and not apparently winning) the fight against depression. :-)
Susan
Posted by almondjoy on September 14, 2003, at 15:24:16
In reply to Re: Insecure in relationship » almondjoy, posted by Susan J on September 14, 2003, at 13:50:26
Thanks so much for your advice, its hard to be objective when my brain is clogged...i really appreciate your comments
Posted by KimberlyDi on September 15, 2003, at 11:22:47
In reply to Insecure in relationship, posted by almondjoy on September 13, 2003, at 0:46:00
My advice? <smile>
End it so there's no possible way that you will ever get hurt. Break up with him before he breaks up with you!
Like that one? I used to live my life that way. I was miserable.
If you want companionship, you have to understand that there will NEVER be guarantees. There will always be risk. You can always get hurt. But you can also live, love, have experiences, and learn. Learning is the key. Down the line, if this doesn't work, then the next time you'll either pick better (the next potential soul mate) or learn to like/love better (how to give and receive in a normal relationship).
Relax, take a chance, keep your eyes wide open, and let the relationship grow. :)
Good luck!
KDi in Texas> I'm not generally so insecure, but my relationship w/ my guy (1 year in 5 weeks) scares me. I always worry he's eventually going to get tired of me being sick (anxiety/depression) Everything is cool (except for my moodiness) then I get really depressed and cry alot, which makes him really uncomfortable, or i have a panic attack or don't want to go out for weeks...ahhhh i feel like he must be fustrated, and even more so because i sometimes ask him if he's fustrated or if he's sick of me.
>
> i don't want to ruin things because of my insecurity, if my mental health is part of just who i am, who he accepts, as is, but i can't get it off my mind.
>
> its good in someways, cos i can "fake it till i make it" if i know we'll be seeing each other, i don't wallow, put on a happy face but he knows when im not ok.
>
> this is the longest relationship i've been in, i never wanted one, and wham---i fell in love (for 3 months i thought i was magically cured by love, stopped taking meds) but i started back (and this time for...infinity...???...
>
> i just get so scared he'll break up with me (even though we're stable) everytime i panic or freakout..like on the 99th time I say, sorry babe, i just wanna stay in or the 300th night of me running to the bathroom so i wont wake him crying all night....im rambling...tired
>
> i just need some feedback, anyone in a similar situation on either end, anyone, anyone, anyone?
Posted by ROO on September 22, 2003, at 13:25:20
In reply to Insecure in relationship » almondjoy, posted by KimberlyDi on September 15, 2003, at 11:22:47
This is the end of the thread.
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