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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 12:29:10
I need some help, guys (again!).
Last night was bad. Even though I didn't get home till 8 after doing some errands, there still seemed to be enough time before bed for my mood to plummet. My thoughts spiraled downwards. It's just... I don't know how to get through the minutes, hours, and days. Even if I still have hope about the future, like 3 or 4 or 5 years from now, maybe things will be okay. But that doesn't make living NOW any easier. Every second feels like hell, every activity just feels like something to try to occupy the time until I can go to sleep. I try to "live in the moment", like just focus on what I am doing at the time, and try to appreciate even the smallest things that bring some joy or even just a smile or laugh for 2 seconds.
So many times over the years I have thought I just can't do it anymore. Somehow I have, so maybe I can do it for more years. But reading stuff like Noa's post about being depressed from 33 to 40 causes me to lose some hope (sorry noa, I know you didn't mean it for that, but that's how it struck me).
I've been wanting to drink lately too, which is odd for me. I'm not much of a drinker except for in my wild early college days! But the urge lately has been quite strong. I drank over the weekend (by myself of course), and it didn't do much for me. Last night I drank just a little bit. I thought that combined with my trazodone it would help me sleep or feel more zoned and numb to the pain, but it didn't. In fact, I really couldn't fall asleep last night and had to take more trazodone.
I was looking through all my old meds to see what had refills, what ones I could maybe use to zone out, or to kill myself with (not that I haven't done that many times before, but I just wanted to check up). I think that I knew in my heart that I wouldn't do it, at least not last night, but I do these things like that. I really felt like I would like to call my psychiatrist, but he's away until next Monday... plus it was late and I'd feel bad about that.
Anyways, the whole point is basically what can I do to try to survive the hours and the days? I don't enjoy practically anything. I'm alone.
I don't know. I feel better today, but I think it will come back tonight.
Posted by Penny on July 15, 2003, at 12:35:57
In reply to How do I survive?, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 12:29:10
Ummm....you're not alone!!!!!!!!! I'm here.
So, what are you doing tonight? What are your plans? Sometimes, when I'm having a lot of trouble, it helps to have plans - even if I just go to Walmart and walk around, it's important to just get out of the house, just so I'm not there.
Of course - if you have the urge to drive off the side of the road or into something like I do, then maybe it's not such a good idea.
I'm sending you email...
P
Posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 12:44:02
In reply to How do I survive?, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 12:29:10
I feel for you. The only thing that pushes the time between work and bed for me is focusing on one thing for the week.
Read a book, anything even if it the dictonary. Rearrange your medicine cabinet, sorry I did not think about that... REarrange your closet, bathroom or desk. I turly find that I just sit and watch the cooking channel. I love to cook and it pulls me in I guess.
Please do not get in the habbit of drinking because you are depressed. I know all to well what that does, and still going through it. Drinking achually makes me stay awake on sleeping pills and makes me feel terrible in the morning from mixing the meds. But I also have sat on my floor with a bottle, 3 shot glasses and a pack of smokes. Cryed my heart out that night and woke up in a daze, no smokes, no bottle just shot glasses and pictures.
Please stay with us. We are here for you. You have helped me get through my tough days, now it is my turn to help you.
Just please do not drink, or you will end up like me.... attached to anything that changes my mood.
The rapid cycling will get better. Try taking your meds eariler, or doing a puzzle something to keep occupied. And that is fine right now, during this cycle just keep occupied, later you can really use your brian power to get things done.
Posted by kidatheart on July 15, 2003, at 14:02:20
In reply to How do I survive?, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 12:29:10
i had a problem with depression and bouts of instant anger, what i did alot of times was go out side, blank out my mind and just stare at the sky. i think it was the consentration on nothing that did it...if that makes sense:)
Posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 14:35:33
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 12:44:02
Yeah, you know it's weird about drinking. I wouldn't say that I have ever had a problem with it. I binged in college and got really trashed at times, but I never felt like "oh I really need to drink". Then I got kinda bored with it and felt like it was lame and made me more depressed sometimes, or mellow. But also I thought it wasn't worth the money or calories. So I stopped drinking except an occassional drink now and then. Haven't really been drunk in years. But there is alcoholism in my family. And last night, I really could imagine how it could turn into a problem. Just wanting every night to drink so that I can feel like I don't care, feel that mellowness, maybe not be so bored. I know that drinking because of depression is a bad idea. But sometimes I just don't care about that. Thanks for the warning though.
Last night I bought nail polish and I was gonna paint my nails but then didn't. I try to clean, stuff like that, but it just doesn't seem to take enough time. You're lucky to love cooking. I don't love doing anything. People have sometimes asked what do I like to do. And it's like, I don't know. I've said read, which is true but not lately, work out (but that's not really enjoyable, just something to do, plus I haven't done that in months either), travel (stressful and expensive). Watch tv? No. Movies? Not really. Shop? HELL NO!! I like to drive around. I like to crochet when I get into a phase with it. But it all takes motivation too.
About the rapid cycling. It's interesting that you said that, because I'm not really bipolar. But, you know, they say it's all on a spectrum, and I guess you could call what's happening for me lately rapid cycling. I just don't ever feel hypomanic or really up. Just better and worse. And a lot worse.
Posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 14:56:26
In reply to Re: How do I survive? » giget, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 14:35:33
The cycling sounds like me. I was originally diagonised with bi-polar 2, more downs than ups. Now they say that is not what you have. But I do have the cycling and out of control behavior and stuff.
Durning my episode, I did not want or like to do anything. People would ask me what I liked to do, and it would always be the same, nothing.. sleep... but I usta love doing... this and that... And this was always fun... but I don't feel that way anymore.
I was going to suggest nail polish or just sitting your feet in warm water then putting on some lotion. The only thing with nail polish, it takes a while to dry... lots of down time.
I am going to the library again after work, then I might wait for some dinner and get a glass of wine. I am fine with a couple of glasses but when I go out upset, I get out of control. By the way, may I ask what gender are you? I get so confused with everyone here and people do not usually introduce themselves....
Another thing is writting a letter... to anyone. To an ideal, your family, anyone... you don't have to send it, but it will keep your mind on something.
The only thing that kept me going was that I had either a doctors app, surgen app, therapist app, dentist or vet to go to everyday I was off. So I got out of the house at least once a day. It was hell... but you just push through and it made me feel better. You can always call a friend to talk...
Posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 15:07:38
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 14:56:26
Sorry all the talk about drinks makes me want one... How can I say not to do it, if I do?
Posted by fallsfall on July 15, 2003, at 15:33:03
In reply to How do I survive?, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 12:29:10
I think that drinking messes up your meds. I need every ounce of help my meds can give me.
Set up a jigsaw puzzle in front of the TV, then watch the travel channel. Doing 2 things works better for me than doing 1. Jigsaw puzzles can take a long time (this is a good thing).
I'm just waiting to feel better enough to want to do anything. I can amuse myself staring into space. I don't want to do anything. My daughter is at camp, so this is my chance to clean the house - I did kitchen counters yesterday, and nothing today.
I wish that I looked forward to going to bed. My sheets are pretty dirty and falling off the bed. I can't get comfortable. Half the time I have to take more drugs after I go to bed and can't sleep. I don't even sleep late anymore. I wish I looked forward to going to bed.
Posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 15:47:13
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 14:56:26
> The cycling sounds like me. I was originally diagonised with bi-polar 2, more downs than ups. Now they say that is not what you have. But I do have the cycling and out of control behavior and stuff.
So what do they say you have now, not that labels mean so much, but they are something?
>
> I am going to the library again after work, then I might wait for some dinner and get a glass of wine. I am fine with a couple of glasses but when I go out upset, I get out of control. By the way, may I ask what gender are you? I get so confused with everyone here and people do not usually introduce themselves....Are you going out for dinner? Or just dinner at home? You must make some good meals since you love cooking. My meals are usually something I put in the microwave that takes >5 minutes. It is pretty healthy though, not those tv dinners or anything. I eat a lot of beans and vegetarian foods (i'm a vegetarian).
I'm a girl/woman... I don't know, I've never felt like the word woman fits me, it just sounds so old or something.
I've gotta run. Talk to you tomorrow probably! Thanks for the help.
Posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 15:48:09
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 15:47:13
Posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 15:58:06
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by fallsfall on July 15, 2003, at 15:33:03
Two things seems to work better for me as well. I can't really stand tv without something else. I've found crocheting to be pretty engaging most of the time while watching tv. It helps. I like bigger projects that take a while. I'm doing a blanket right now and I really like how it's turning out. Still... my mind wanders and thoughts can be bad.
>
> I wish that I looked forward to going to bed. My sheets are pretty dirty and falling off the bed. I can't get comfortable. Half the time I have to take more drugs after I go to bed and can't sleep. I don't even sleep late anymore. I wish I looked forward to going to bed.Oh, I'm not trying to say that it's so great for me either. When trazodone works well for me, it's good because I can fall right asleep. I have ALWAYS had a hard time getting comfortable. It drives people crazy if they have slept in a bed with me or even a room with me. I just fidget and toss and turn so much. Trazodone has helped with that though because it knocks me out and I don't have time to fidget. However, lately it hasn't been working so well. I always wake up several times in the middle of the night. Sometimes lately I can't fall back asleep for an hour or more. But for the most part, sleep time is better than every other part of the day. When I wake up in the night, I think to myself that I really should just appreciate the middle of the night, sleeping, that I don't have to get up and face the day yet.
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:19:36
In reply to How do I survive?, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 12:29:10
Remember, though that part of my problem was an undiagnosed thyroid disorder. AND the meds choices are far better now than they were a decade ago and 2 decades ago--and apparently, the earlier in life depression is treated, the better the chances of preventing later episodes and preventing worsening episodes. I had gone a lot longer than you with untreated depression, so my course was bound to be worse. YOu have the advantage of being young, of starting treatment earlier. If you can find the med combo that will help you get your depression under control, you will have much better chances of a better recovery than I have had.
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:20:44
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 12:44:02
Yes, Penny is right. Alcohol can actually cause insomnia or disrupted sleep,even though it is a depressant.
And, it is a depressant!! What do you need that for?
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:21:57
In reply to Re: How do I survive? » yesac, posted by kidatheart on July 15, 2003, at 14:02:20
Wow, you reminded me of how when I was younger, sometimes when I was in emotional pain at night, I'd sneak up to the roof of my building with blankets and a pillow, and sleep under the stars--it was calming for me.
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:23:03
In reply to Re: How do I survive? » giget, posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 14:35:33
and cycling possibly related to your period?
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:23:40
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 14:56:26
The library has been my refuge for many years.
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:24:50
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by fallsfall on July 15, 2003, at 15:33:03
You guys should see my place!!! It is utter squalor!! I can't believe I let it get this way, but I do let it get this way over and over.
Posted by Penny on July 15, 2003, at 18:13:07
In reply to Re: How do I survive?, posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 14:56:26
I cycle too - my dx is "mood disorders NOS" because I don't fit into any clear category. Right now I can tell I'm on an upswing, but it's an agitated one, not a 'happy' one. Very disturbing, but at least I'm not as down and I'm not having to sleep all day...
Posted by yesac on July 16, 2003, at 10:56:22
In reply to Re: How do I survive? Some BUTs to consider » yesac, posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:19:36
>and apparently, the earlier in life depression is treated, the better the chances of preventing later episodes and preventing worsening episodes. I had gone a lot longer than you with untreated depression, so my course was bound to be worse. YOu have the advantage of being young, of starting treatment earlier. If you can find the med combo that will help you get your depression under control, you will have much better chances of a better recovery than I have had.
The earlier in life thing is something I've thought of as possibly good or possibly bad. I guess the possibly bad is that I think the earlier you "get it" the worse your prognosis is. I don't know if I just made that up or not, but I compare it in my mind to schizophrenia. People who show earlier prodromal signs or who have always had some weird pseudo-schizo problems as a child have a worse prognosis generally than those who just have a sudden breakdown. And that's what I think about depression like. I had early signs and it just got worse and worse, though I've never really had a breakdown so-to-say. On the other hand, I do think it's good that I'm getting treatment young and can hopefully get on top of it in time for it not to ruin my whole life, though I'm sure it will always be there.
Posted by yesac on July 16, 2003, at 11:02:54
In reply to Re: How do I survive? » yesac, posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:23:03
> and cycling possibly related to your period?
Could be. I've never been able to figure that one out, you know, come to any solid conclusions since my mood generally seems to cycle all the time, up and down, up and down, but it's mild not BP-ish, and not ever hypomanic.
Anyways. Maybe I should do the whole mood-charting thing, but I hate that sh!t.
Posted by noa on July 17, 2003, at 18:47:19
In reply to Some BUTs to consider » noa, posted by yesac on July 16, 2003, at 10:56:22
yeah, but...I had depression early (from childhood), but got treatment late. So, even if you had depression early, you have the chance to treat it a lot earlier than us older folks did.
Posted by noa on July 17, 2003, at 18:49:06
In reply to Re: How do I survive? » noa, posted by yesac on July 16, 2003, at 11:02:54
or talk to your gyno and your pdoc about taking the pill (certain formulations are better for depression than others) to see if it helps the cycling?
This is the end of the thread.
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