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How do I survive?

Posted by yesac on July 15, 2003, at 12:29:10

I need some help, guys (again!).

Last night was bad. Even though I didn't get home till 8 after doing some errands, there still seemed to be enough time before bed for my mood to plummet. My thoughts spiraled downwards. It's just... I don't know how to get through the minutes, hours, and days. Even if I still have hope about the future, like 3 or 4 or 5 years from now, maybe things will be okay. But that doesn't make living NOW any easier. Every second feels like hell, every activity just feels like something to try to occupy the time until I can go to sleep. I try to "live in the moment", like just focus on what I am doing at the time, and try to appreciate even the smallest things that bring some joy or even just a smile or laugh for 2 seconds.

So many times over the years I have thought I just can't do it anymore. Somehow I have, so maybe I can do it for more years. But reading stuff like Noa's post about being depressed from 33 to 40 causes me to lose some hope (sorry noa, I know you didn't mean it for that, but that's how it struck me).

I've been wanting to drink lately too, which is odd for me. I'm not much of a drinker except for in my wild early college days! But the urge lately has been quite strong. I drank over the weekend (by myself of course), and it didn't do much for me. Last night I drank just a little bit. I thought that combined with my trazodone it would help me sleep or feel more zoned and numb to the pain, but it didn't. In fact, I really couldn't fall asleep last night and had to take more trazodone.

I was looking through all my old meds to see what had refills, what ones I could maybe use to zone out, or to kill myself with (not that I haven't done that many times before, but I just wanted to check up). I think that I knew in my heart that I wouldn't do it, at least not last night, but I do these things like that. I really felt like I would like to call my psychiatrist, but he's away until next Monday... plus it was late and I'd feel bad about that.

Anyways, the whole point is basically what can I do to try to survive the hours and the days? I don't enjoy practically anything. I'm alone.

I don't know. I feel better today, but I think it will come back tonight.


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poster:yesac thread:242051
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242051.html