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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:29:10
WARNING: This could get explicit but I'll try to be mellow.
I have had no sex drive since starting my current meds about two years ago. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in December (she just passed away April 8) and since then my sex drive went from 0 to negative numbers. I thought it was no problem because my boyfriend never complained but I recently found out he has been "taking care of things" himself because he felt I had so much going on he didn't want to bother me with one more thing.He has been masturbating four times a week I was recently shocked to learn! So obviously it's more of an issue than I thought.
Before SSRI's I had a very healthy sex drive and sex with my boyfriend was really good but I have never orgasmed easily and SSRI's made it even worse. To top it all off one of the meds I'm on causes vaginal dryness so sex was not pleasurable and sometimes even painful. My boyfriend and I had sex about once a month and I did it partially for him and partially because it made me feel close to him.
I asked a friend who is also on SSRI's what she did to compensate and she mentioned "toys". I also did a little internet research and found out about Replens which helps with vaginal dryness. So I did a little shopping today. I bought some Replens which seems to work well and some "toys". My boyfriend wasn't home so I decided to try out my new toy without him. Whoa! Apparently I can have orgasms. But now I'm freaking out! If I can have orgasms with my new toy, why can't I have them with him? I'm very anxious about our relationship to begin with and now I'm wondering if I've been kidding myself all along blaming the SSRI's when maybe the problem is us. Any advice? thanks and I hope this wasn't too explicit.
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2003, at 18:53:41
In reply to Girls: Frank talk about sex, depression and meds, posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:29:10
Don't feel bad about it, Babs. It is waaaay easier to have an orgasm solo than with a partner. That's why the sex therapists set women to work alone to have an orgasm before working together on it. You don't have anyone else to think about. You can concentrate on the sensations completely. And who knows better than you what feels good?
As long as you get more emotional satisfaction from sex with your partner, you're fine. And feel free to use those toys during intercourse. You can get the best of both worlds.
All told though, I think it's great you could have an orgasm at all on SSRI's. I went four years without one on Luvox (solo or with partner). And I really didn't even care. They really should work on that particular side effect. So you should see this as a promising sign for your relationship.
Posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:56:07
In reply to Girls: Frank talk about sex, depression and meds, posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:29:10
I should mention that I have OCD as well as depression and one of the ways that it manifests itself is through obsessions about my realtionship (lucky me, huh?). I'm always afraid I'll get a sign that there is something wrong with our relationship when in fact I love my boyfriend very much, he's wonderful and we probably belong together forever. we've been together for 5 years and he has been incredibly understanding and loving. I'm always searching for signs that it's not right or he's not "the one" and that's what's happening right now. I'm afraid that because I don't orgasm with him it means that something is wrong with our relationship or I really don't love him. These toys were supposed to enahnce our sex life, not make me any more anxious than I already am. Oy vey!
Posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:57:34
In reply to Re: Girls: Frank talk about sex, depression and meds » babs, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2003, at 18:53:41
Posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 20:02:36
In reply to Girls: Frank talk about sex, depression and meds, posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:29:10
See if he will play along and experiment with you--the toys could be a great way to introduce some new strategies since the same old same old didn't do it for you. I bet it is not all one thing or another, though. Sex is so complicated.
BTW, there is this book I read last year called "The Camera My Mother Gave Me" (Unabridged)
by Susanna Kaysen (who also wrote "Girl, Interrupted". It is about her struggle with vaginal pain during sex. About taking one's vagina for granted, etc. etc. until it causes pain. Kind of wierd--starts out very well, and she kind of doesn't seem to know how to bring the story to closure, but it was interesting.
Posted by paxvox on May 21, 2003, at 20:09:52
In reply to Thanks Dinah- you made me feel better! (nm), posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:57:34
Anyway, Babs, I had to read your post out of personal interest. I know what it is like to be OCD from my own experience, so I can see what you mean. Prehaps the question that troubles me is, why you haven't gotten married to this boyfriend of 5+ years? Is there some factor you did not mention that would be relevant to know? Please don't say it's because you are waiting until you are "better". As to your sexual experinces, I can proffer a "male" point of view. Men masturbate all the time, even when they have other sources for "release". It's just a man thing. So, I see no problem with you finding pleasure with your "toys", and NO, they don't mean anything about your relationship with your fella, except, perhaps, you don't communicate to him what feels good to you ( to achieve climax). That is not an uncommon problem with couples, especially because there remains a stigma that a woman who says what she wants somehow crosses into the aggressive (i.e. "male") role. That is hoo hah! It's just a holdover from the Victorian era. So, tell your man what you want him to do, it may even be more arousing to both of you, and it will clearly increase your intimacy level, because it implies trust in your partner. Hope this helps.
PAX
Posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 20:58:15
In reply to Guys can help too, you know..., posted by paxvox on May 21, 2003, at 20:09:52
I'm sorry Pax, I know guys can help too. I guess I just thought it was more of a female personal interest story. Thank you for letting me know that guys masturbate all the time even when they have other forms of "release"- that makes me feel better. I felt so bad when I found out he was maturbating four times a week because he didn't want to bother me. I'm looking forward to trying out my new toy with him.
To answer your question about why we're not married, I guess it's a long story. Let's see. The first year we were together, we were long distance. I was in NE and he was in california. The second year, I moved out to California and got extremely depressed. This took a real toll on our relationship because he thought it was his fault. It took him a long time to understand that I wasn't unhappy with him- I was clinically depressed. The third year we were together, I was recovering from my depression, trying to find the right combo of meds and we were adjusting to living together. He got laid off and went through a really stressful time. Then we decided to move back east so I could go to grad school. So we move back East and I'm thinking, yeah, things will settle down, we'll get engaged, life will be good. Two months after we move home, my mom is diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer (she was my best friend) and she just passed away April 8th. So the long and short of it is that there has never been a time when our lives have been unstressful enough to contemplate marriage. We ahve just kind of been hanging on for the ride life has given us. I suspect my boyfriend suffers from depression too because when I ask him why we're not married yet, he tells me he feels like he can barely take care of himself ( sounds like depression to me!).
It scares me to death that we're not married yet- I have these anxious thoughts like because we're not married, there is something wrong with our relationship and things are never going to work out. But at the same time I panic when I think about a wedding- I don't panic at the thought of being married to him, I panic at the thought of a wedding day. Sometimes I wonder if the obsessions I have are a result of his inability to commit. I don't know.
I'm sorry- I know you asked a simple question but it's a complicated answer. I'd love to hear what you think about all this from a guy's point of view. Sometimes I think that saying we're not married because there hasn't been a unstressful time is just an excuse, sometimes I think it's valid. But at this point in my life, it seems like there is never going to be an unstressful time because it seems like it's always just one thing after another. Thanks for listening Pax. You be well.
Posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 21:01:58
In reply to Re: Sorry, I know guys can help too » paxvox, posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 20:58:15
Oh and Pax- I should mention he is an amazing guy. I love him so much and I know he's the one for me, but all this anxiety and obsessing gets in the way!!
Posted by paxvox on May 22, 2003, at 16:50:17
In reply to Re: Sorry, I know guys can help too » paxvox, posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 20:58:15
Well, Babs, a lot of your answers make sense as far as why you haven't had the *time* to get married. Personally (and it IS clearly a personal choice, so please don't read any of my comments as being judgmental) I think that the firm commitment to married life together might actually remove a lot of anxiety for the both of you. You are right that life's little problems will never go away, so waiting for a *perfect* time will never happen. Try to get the right meds so that you are feeling better, and if you can tactfully suggest that your boyfriend might benefit from some meds, try to slip that in to him. He may already be aware of it, and just hasn't come to that point yet. Hope this helps.
PAX
Posted by babs on May 22, 2003, at 17:36:49
In reply to Re: Sorry, I know guys can help too, posted by paxvox on May 22, 2003, at 16:50:17
Thanks Pax- you are a sweet guy!
Posted by whiterabbit on May 22, 2003, at 18:41:16
In reply to Re: Sorry, I know guys can help too » paxvox, posted by babs on May 22, 2003, at 17:36:49
Posted by Greg on May 23, 2003, at 14:54:38
In reply to Sex? What's that? (nm), posted by whiterabbit on May 22, 2003, at 18:41:16
If you can spell it, you can still do it.
Posted by lostsailor on May 24, 2003, at 11:44:26
In reply to Re: Awww, c'mon rabbit..., posted by Greg on May 23, 2003, at 14:54:38
Posted by dave40252 on June 1, 2003, at 17:10:45
In reply to Girls: Frank talk about sex, depression and meds, posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:29:10
Addressing something to just "the girls" is the best way to ensure the guys read it! Perspective from an old married guy (18 years)who also tends to obsess about his relationship/marriage. First, don't sweat it that he "takes care of himself" I think all guys do whether they get all they want or not. In fact, I find that i take care of myself more often when my "real" sex life is more active. Kind of like cocaine - the more you got the more you want kind of thing.
Also dont worry about the orgasm thing...my wife can have an orgasm from regular vaginal sex...but not always. But when we get more creative she almost always can. Also the fact that the ssri's make it harder for ME to orgasm doesn't hurt :)
We haven't used toys - but I wouldnt feel bad if she brought one..i am guessing it would turn me on. Use the toys with him - he will probably like it!
I have to disagree with the advice about getting married helping with the anxiety over the relationship though - for me that didn't start until i had been married for ten years or so and not because she gave me any reason... as i fell more and more into my depression i became more and more anxious about our relationship and began to obssess about it - i would read meaning (always negative) in to every little thing she said or did, taking everything as a slight or a sign that she didn't love me anymore. That would start me on a spiral of negative thoughts that is hard to describe.
I still deal with those issues, though since i have been treating my depression it has improved immensly. Now and then i feel myself slipping intyo that mind state, but i now recognize it and can usually stop it (with the help of my meds and the other things i do to combat the depression)
Pax may be right that the commitment of marriage might ease some of the anxiety. But it might not too. It is hard to work on a relationship until you are comfortable enough with yourself first. If it bothers you though you should talk to him about why you are not married...and whether you should be. Only after a couple of years of treatment did get to the point where i could work on the relationship without it causing me to get back into the spiral. Ironically, as I have gotten better my marriage has not. I have learned that my dpression, although a big part of our problems has not been the sole reason for them. We are trying to work things out, and have been communicating better trhan we have in years but the out come is far from certain at this point.
Sorry I guess i got kind of long winded and off the track. Guess I needed to talk a little :)
Good luck to you
Posted by ST on June 1, 2003, at 18:22:02
In reply to Re: Girls: Frank talk about sex, depression and meds, posted by babs on May 21, 2003, at 18:56:07
I do what you do! I go through periods where I am questioning constantly "Is he the One", etc etc..
The fact that you cannot orgasm with him has no bearing on how much you love him or how right he is for you. I have the same issues with my boyfriend (we've been together over 5 years) and what I've learned is this: we have different sexual connections with each person. The most amaaaaaaazing sex I ever had was with someone who is soooooo wrong for me. But we had this chemistry. Other women I talk to say the same thing: Often the one you end up with who is loving and loyal and understanding and sticks by you even when you're so depressed you can't get out of bed (like your boyfriend and mine)is the one you need to work a little harder with at sex. There is nothing weird about having to work at the sex. I've had to with my guy and it has gotten better and better!And yet it came (so to speak!) so easily with other men. It's a strange thing, but I wouldn't count him out because of the sex. It will get better. And he sounds like a keeper.
I did notice that withe each SSRI I've gone on, at first I cannot orgasm, and then eventually that side effect goes away. Important: Can you have vaginal orgasms or clitoral or both? If it's the vaginal you want when you're having sex, that may be harder on an SSRI, but a clitoral one while having sex is possible. Use the toys while you're with him. And what about "taking care of youself" while you are having sex? Do you feel comfortable touching yourself in fron tof him? Some women don't...
Anyway..good luck! I think you're on the right track.
Sarah
> I should mention that I have OCD as well as depression and one of the ways that it manifests itself is through obsessions about my realtionship (lucky me, huh?). I'm always afraid I'll get a sign that there is something wrong with our relationship when in fact I love my boyfriend very much, he's wonderful and we probably belong together forever. we've been together for 5 years and he has been incredibly understanding and loving. I'm always searching for signs that it's not right or he's not "the one" and that's what's happening right now. I'm afraid that because I don't orgasm with him it means that something is wrong with our relationship or I really don't love him. These toys were supposed to enahnce our sex life, not make me any more anxious than I already am. Oy vey!
Posted by babs on June 1, 2003, at 19:59:47
In reply to Re: sex, depression and meds (kinda graphic..) » babs, posted by ST on June 1, 2003, at 18:22:02
Thanks Sarah- it helps to know that someone else has these doubts. I find them very painful. I am in the process of switching meds. I was on risperdal for OCD but had to go off due to undesirable side effects and am now upping my celexa to 80 mg and adding klonopin (I've been a zombie all weekend). My boyfriend is definitely a keeper, that's what makes these thoughts so painful. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by babs on June 1, 2003, at 20:07:18
In reply to Re: Girls: Frank talk about sex, depression and meds, posted by dave40252 on June 1, 2003, at 17:10:45
Dave- Thank you. I hope things continue to improve between you and your wife. Obsessing about a relationship is very painful and I know how much stress depression puts on it. My boyfriend has beena trooper.
This is the end of the thread.
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