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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
Hi - I just need some support right now. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer in December and hospice has just been called in which basically means she is dying. I am having a total meltdown. My meds seem to be preventing me from sinking too low but I really need some advice on how to take care of myself right now. I completely freaked out on my boyfriend of five years this week about us not being married (we live together and until recently I was pretty happy with that arrangement as I know w'll get married some day). I realize now that because I'm losing my mom, I'm afraid of losing him too and marriage seems to be the way I want him to promise to be there forever for me. I know that, although I do want to marry him, it was more grief about my mom than anything else. I've been trying to take care of myself- getting a lot of sleep, TRYING to eat right (hard- don't have much of an appetite), started meditating, but I feel like I'm just falling to pieces over this and I don't want to take it out on him again. I'm just really, really scared. My mom has been my best friend forever and has always supported me through the good and the bad. In some ways, I've already lost her. Because she is so sick, the mom I once relied on for support is gone. How have other people handles this kind of grief? What can I do to help myself so I don't take out my fear and pain on someone I love very much? I've considered a support group but there don't seem to be any where I live. I am seeing a therapist, writing in a journal. I am not, howvever exercising and I know I should be. Is there any reading I can do to amke this time a little easier? Help!
Posted by Dinah on March 25, 2003, at 7:50:46
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
I'm sorry, Babs, for your situation. It sounds like your mom is a pretty terrific person.
You seem to be doing all the things you "should" be doing. But those things can only do so much. Please give yourself some compassion, and don't put pressure on yourself to feel a way you just don't feel.
Have you explained to your boyfriend the way you explained to us? It sounds natural, when your world is being shaken up in one relationship, that you would wish for added security in another. Perhaps your boyfriend could offer you other ways to show his commitment and the stability of your relationship. Perhaps some joing therapy sessions could help him understand better how lost you feel right now.
Best wishes to you, Babs, and please continue to try to take care of yourself as best you can.
Posted by beardedlady on March 25, 2003, at 8:25:50
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
You are going through what is my second biggest fear. My heart goes out to you.
Babs, you're doing absolutely everything you need to be doing at this time; journaling, meditation, therapy, sleep, food--everything you are doing is right.
And you are responding to this pain as many people respond to it--lashing out at others close to you, breaking down, being afraid.
I have been down the grief road with close relatives. All I can add to what you're doing are two things: first, please talk to your boyfriend and tell him what you just told us. More than likely, if your relationship is good for five years, he already knows. And second, please forgive and be patient with yourself. Everything you describe is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one.
It is said that grief diminishes by half. Next year at this time, you'll have half this amount of grief. The following year, you'll have half of next year's grief, etc. So it never goes away, but it becomes bearable.
I know that's not anything to look forward to, but that's the way it has worked for me.
Keep doing what you're doing to make life better, and forgive yourself your pain.
(((((Babs)))))
beardy
Posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 8:36:01
In reply to Re: need support for grief » babs, posted by beardedlady on March 25, 2003, at 8:25:50
Posted by NikkiT2 on March 25, 2003, at 9:14:39
In reply to Re: need support for grief » babs, posted by beardedlady on March 25, 2003, at 8:25:50
I'm so sorry you're going through this.. I lost my dad to cancer 5 years ago, and those final weeks were so utterly devatastinly hard.. I lost 28 lb in a month.
But what beardy says is right.. it does get easier.. but it will get harder before it gets easier. Grief is such a painful emotion, it really does feel so physical as well as mental.
I'm sure your boyfriend understnads how much pain you are in right now, but it could really help to explain it all to him. I know my boyfriend at the time (now my husband *s*) was such an incredible support, and I'd only known him 6 weeks when Dad actually died.. make sure you get plenty of hugs..
My heart goes out to you.. I do hope that.. well.. things are as pain free as possible for all of you.
Nikki xx
Posted by lostsailor on March 25, 2003, at 9:29:47
In reply to Re: need support for grief » babs, posted by beardedlady on March 25, 2003, at 8:25:50
There seems to be so much death on the sight this week. I don't really know what to say, but I think a call to doc and an appointment with therapist might help a bit.
For every one, death is a tough thing to cope with. The additional fact of being a consumer of mental health services, can complicate things even a little more. Your therapist might have a few ideas as he/she has prob. dealt with this situation many times. Your doc might want to help alleviate symptoms with a slight addition of a med on a as needed basis. Also talking to hospice staff, as they have tons of experience with this.
You asked about reading. I don't know if you have a certain faith, but you asked for reading material. There is a great book I want to recommend that is written by Philip Yancey and published by the Red Cross. It's called "Where Is God When It Hurts"
and I think it's subject matter could be applied to the faith of your choosing (although it is slanted towards Christianity a bit). I hope this helps and will include your family in my prayers.Keep in touch if we can do anything or even to vent.
~tony
(Dr Bob. I have no idea if I used the double quotes correctly, but I thought time is a bit of an issue and will ask you on administration how to do it if this does not work out. I did try though.)
Posted by lil' jimi on March 25, 2003, at 12:59:45
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
hi babs,
thank you for this opportunity to offer you support. ... it really helps me as well.
i grieve for your loss and the extra pain you suffer in anticipation of the future loss.... i too have lost parents.
when i was blessed to find and wed my bride now these 17 yrs ago, she came with the best in-laws ... my mother-in-law brought into sharp contrast inadequacies in my parenting i never knew existed and by example taught me how to love my mom better.my mom-in-law inspired me and still does... she collapsed and died suddenly at 59 ... i barely knew her 2 yrs.
this was total devastation for my family... she was the sun in our family’s solar system... though it’s been 15 yrs, i miss her everyday.my father-in-law was a towering inspiration and model of what it is to be a man ... he and i had special affection that i have never know with another grown man... every time we would greet each other we would kiss.
2 yrs after my wife lost her mom, her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and after 2yrs of the torture of cancer ‘treatment’, i watched him die in misery. (all smokers out there: do not get me started about tobacco... you have been warned.) i miss my dad-in-law even more. ... he was 66.
for about a minute i thought i must have learned something to prepare for eventually losing my own parents. .. then i realized nothing could prepare me for that ... i didn’t then know how right i was.
the contrast in my in-laws’ deaths offered a strange insight:
mom went suddenly: good for her; devastating for us;
dad went slowly: agony for him; less devastating for us ... by the time he died we were all pulling for him to get the relief from all of his suffering and this made grieving for him easier ... sorta.but this insight is USELESS: ... no one would want to make such choices and on one can make them ... there are no choices! ...they just happen.
my own mom was 81 and my dad was 83 last june when they were broadsided by a truck .... my mom died immediately .... my father survived in intensive care for a week, but he never had a chance really ... we all get to a point (if we live so long) where we can not recover from a certain amount of injury ... my dad was doomed, but lived a week of torment before he died june 11th, 2002. ... again that contrast.
somehow i had let myself believe that my issues about my parenting made me less attached to my mom and dad and (given their ages, my sibs and i had tried to anticipate the inevitable) that i would be less affected when they passed... this delusion left me open to being blindsided by my grief and exacerbated my pain. ... and of course nothing could have prepared us for what did happen.
one very small consolation, i can offer... a parent losing a child is so much worse than a child losing a parent that it is a moral imperative for us to outlive our folks. ... and so going to the funerals of my folks and my in-laws was me doing my duty... in neither family did we lose any offspring... it’s a sad success, but better this sadness than the suffering our rickoshay faces with the loss of his son ... we may all pray for him and his.
and i fault myself for being depressed when i have the blessing of an excellent helpmate who has given us a wonderful 4yr old who brings us great joy everyday ... i am fortunate ... i know ... but i hope by trying to help others i may help myself ... i pray that my stories may have helped you.
kiss your mom for me before she goes that you may savior it from here on ... i got to kiss my dad and my dad-in-law.
and since she is going the slow way (if i may be so bold), do allow yourself this opportunity to grieve now and to say goodbye ... that her suffering may not be without a benefit.
babs, i have re-read this more than once and i cannot imagine if or how it might help you ... i am posting it anyway hoping it may be of benefit somehow .... just forgive me if it doesn’t work for you ... i only intend to share and commiserate in hopes that you will fell less alone in your tragedy ... we are here for you.
do make every effort to take good care of yourself;
make sure all of your care givers know all about your situation, especially your doctors;
cultivate that boyfriend’s support and talk him up about how, why and what kind of support you’d like;
try to avail yourself of others who will be grieving for your mom... helping others helps us;
plus Everything all the other posters have suggested.
do your best.
the rest will take care of itself.i have not meant to make you feel worse and i have not meant to be too presumptuous ... if i have, i ask your forgiveness.... again.
Take Care,
~ jim
Posted by Tabitha on March 25, 2003, at 13:29:01
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
Hi babs, the best thing I found to do for grief was to notice when it started to come up, and to just try to go into the feeling as much as possible. It may feel like it will overwhelm you but if you can tolerate it, it will subside. If you can do that I think it actually passes faster than if you try to avoid the feeling or do things to distract yourself. Best wishes.
Posted by lil' jimi on March 25, 2003, at 14:11:03
In reply to Re: need support for grief » babs, posted by Tabitha on March 25, 2003, at 13:29:01
> Hi babs, the best thing I found to do for grief was to notice when it started to come up, and to just try to go into the feeling as much as possible. It may feel like it will overwhelm you but if you can tolerate it, it will subside. If you can do that I think it actually passes faster than if you try to avoid the feeling or do things to distract yourself. Best wishes.
Dear Babs,
to expand on tabitha's suggestion, allow me to quote myself from my posting to rickoshay at
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030322/msgs/212204.html :"About grieving and crying: these are things to do in increments and at intervals to achieve the necessary beneficial relief and to work toward the goal of reaching beyond the sadness, one day. It is work that must be done, but it can’t be done all at once or it would crush us and it may not be avoided or it will make us explode. It is best done regularly and a little at a time, with “a little” measured by how much strength we have available and how much support there is to protect us in our suffering. We must suffer, yet we must control how much we suffer, for our self-preservation, while we are suffering. Not an easy task, especially while under the worst of circumstances. Helping other family and friends with their suffering can offer a blessed diversion from our own pain, sometimes, for the benefit of everyone. .... I hope these suggestions are not too presumptuous. "
i apologize for my redundancies.
love,
~ jim
Posted by sienna on March 25, 2003, at 20:17:01
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
hi babs,
wow that is a lot to deal with. i think part of it is that if you can exsplain to your boyfriend what you are going through and he will have to be strong and take what you throw his way for a little while. i mean make a effort, but he should be supportive righ tnow too and i think as long as you are clear that you are sorry and trying hard to deal he shoul dbe able to except that.
Im not sure what to read, but are there support groups for you in your area abuot losing a loved one? becuase there are lots of people go through this a lot and there are groups but im not sure the best way to find one.
you could check out the bookstore and see what they have on grief. Im so sorry you are haivng this happen and having such a hard time. You will be ok though you are strong and you will make it through this.
sienna
Posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 21:51:56
In reply to Re: support for grief (very long) » babs, posted by lil' jimi on March 25, 2003, at 12:59:45
L'il Jimi- thank you so much. Your post really touched my heart. Peace, babs
Posted by shar on March 25, 2003, at 22:01:43
In reply to Re: need support for grief » babs, posted by beardedlady on March 25, 2003, at 8:25:50
What Dinah and Beardy said, plus does hospice have some assistance for family members? I believe that dealing with death and dying, such loss, warrants some pretty targeted counseling or talking or help from people who are familiar with that specific topic.
Best of luck to you, I'm very sorry about your mom.
Shar
> You are going through what is my second biggest fear. My heart goes out to you.
>
> Babs, you're doing absolutely everything you need to be doing at this time; journaling, meditation, therapy, sleep, food--everything you are doing is right.
>
> And you are responding to this pain as many people respond to it--lashing out at others close to you, breaking down, being afraid.
>
> I have been down the grief road with close relatives. All I can add to what you're doing are two things: first, please talk to your boyfriend and tell him what you just told us. More than likely, if your relationship is good for five years, he already knows. And second, please forgive and be patient with yourself. Everything you describe is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one.
>
> It is said that grief diminishes by half. Next year at this time, you'll have half this amount of grief. The following year, you'll have half of next year's grief, etc. So it never goes away, but it becomes bearable.
>
> I know that's not anything to look forward to, but that's the way it has worked for me.
>
> Keep doing what you're doing to make life better, and forgive yourself your pain.
>
> (((((Babs)))))
>
> beardy
Posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 22:04:40
In reply to Re: need support for grief--Babs, posted by shar on March 25, 2003, at 22:01:43
Posted by WorryGirl on March 26, 2003, at 17:43:00
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
> Hi - I just need some support right now. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer in December and hospice has just been called in which basically means she is dying. I am having a total meltdown. My meds seem to be preventing me from sinking too low but I really need some advice on how to take care of myself right now.
Babs,
So sorry you're going through this sad time. For what it's worth, I'll share my thoughts.As hard as it might be due to her frailty, try to spend as much time with your mom as possible and you can help take care of each other. Even if she can only say a few words they will probably be the ones that stick out in your mind the most in the future. Just sitting beside her will speak volumes to her and she would probably love hearing anything at all from you.
>I completely freaked out on my boyfriend of five years this week about us not being married (we live together and until recently I was pretty happy with that arrangement as I know w'll get married some day). I realize now that because I'm losing my mom, I'm afraid of losing him too and marriage seems to be the way I want him to promise to be there forever for me. I know that, although I do want to marry him, it was more grief about my mom than anything else.
Don't feel too badly about freaking out with your boyfriend, especially considering the circumstances. It may not be the last time anyway!
It's frustrating when one of us is more ready for marriage than the other. If you have already had serious talks and he insists that you are a definite part of his future but you are tired of waiting maybe you could start talking about a tentative date for your wedding, even if it's 2-3 years away. Once that kind of talk happens it somehow seems to confirm things more in his mind, too, and he may seem less fearful. I could be wrong, but I think with most men and marriage, it's all about fear. Fear that their life will never be the same, fear that you will change, fear that they've lost their freedom, etc. You could look at this point in your life (your mother's illness) as a time where you want to make some definite changes (as in a permanent commitment with your fiancee [or boyfriend?]) or you might feel more comfortable waiting until your issues with your mother's illness have been dealt with. It's hard.>I've been trying to take care of myself- getting a lot of sleep, TRYING to eat right (hard- don't have much of an appetite), started meditating, but I feel like I'm just falling to pieces over this and I don't want to take it out on him again. I'm just really, really scared. My mom has been my best friend forever and has always supported me through the good and the bad. In some ways, I've already lost her. Because she is so sick, the mom I once relied on for support is gone. How have other people handles this kind of grief? What can I do to help myself so I don't take out my fear and pain on someone I love very much? I've considered a support group but there don't seem to be any where I live. I am seeing a therapist, writing in a journal. I am not, howvever exercising and I know I should be. Is there any reading I can do to amke this time a little easier? Help!
You sound like you're taking such good care of yourself and doing everything you can do healthwise. Your husband-to-be should play a large part in supporting you during this time. This is understandable going to be one of the hardest life issues you will deal with, especially considering your close relationship with your mom. This may be a good chance to see how he deals with life's pressures and how supportive he actually is (he must be a great guy if you've been with him 5 years). Your husband should be the person you share your frustrations and pain with (although they have their limits as I've found in my life - that's another story!) Maybe with a combination of prayer, this board, your friends, talking or spending time with your mom and your boyfriend/fiance you will find the support you need.
I surely wish the best for you and send my prayers to the three of you.
Posted by bozeman on March 27, 2003, at 0:21:28
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
Babs
I am so sorry. I am very close to both my parents and live every day with the spectre that every time I see them could be the last. One has a frail heart, the other is a stroke candidate (tias etc.).
I agree you should spend as much time with her as you are able to. Tell her the ways she helped make you who you are, and how much it means to you. Embrace the time you have left. That is the best gift anyone could give someone with a terminal illness.
Though I have not lost my parents I have lost family and friends to death and spent too much time in guilty recrimination for the things I didn't say or do, time I didn't take off from work to be with them while I could. Like lostsailor, I'm not sure your spiritual preferences, but some books that have helped me greatly are
"When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner
"The Prophet" by Kalhil Gibran
"Spritual Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather
"God Works the Night Shift" by Ron Mehl
Each has a slightly different approach but I found all are worth meditating on.I pray that you, your boyfriend, and your mother will be able to spend time together that enriches your love for one another with strong memories you can keep always, and that her life and influence will by those memories, live forever through you and him.
Hope this helps a little.
Wishing you Peace and Strengthbozeman
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 10:27:56
In reply to Re: support for grief (very long) » lil' jimi, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 21:51:56
> L'il Jimi- thank you so much. Your post really touched my heart. Peace, babs
babs,
you are so welcome ... it means a lot to me that my post was beneficial to you ... that warms my heart, that i was able to have touch yours... i continue to pray my buddhist prayers for your mom and you and y'all's loved ones ... continue to take that extra special care of yourself! ... we depend on you to shout out to us here when you need support.i do better when i can help others do better.
~ jim
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 10:56:50
In reply to Re: support for grief (very long) » babs, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 10:27:56
eed to "chat" at all. I hope things are a bit better. Did you happen to see the book I recomended earlier?? We are here when you need us. Take care and God bless.
~tony
Posted by babs on March 27, 2003, at 16:11:54
In reply to babs...i will be on and off comp all day, if you n, posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 10:56:50
Posted by noa on March 28, 2003, at 18:40:31
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
I'm so sorry.
This is the end of the thread.
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