Posted by lil' jimi on March 25, 2003, at 12:59:45
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
hi babs,
thank you for this opportunity to offer you support. ... it really helps me as well.
i grieve for your loss and the extra pain you suffer in anticipation of the future loss.... i too have lost parents.
when i was blessed to find and wed my bride now these 17 yrs ago, she came with the best in-laws ... my mother-in-law brought into sharp contrast inadequacies in my parenting i never knew existed and by example taught me how to love my mom better.my mom-in-law inspired me and still does... she collapsed and died suddenly at 59 ... i barely knew her 2 yrs.
this was total devastation for my family... she was the sun in our family’s solar system... though it’s been 15 yrs, i miss her everyday.my father-in-law was a towering inspiration and model of what it is to be a man ... he and i had special affection that i have never know with another grown man... every time we would greet each other we would kiss.
2 yrs after my wife lost her mom, her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and after 2yrs of the torture of cancer ‘treatment’, i watched him die in misery. (all smokers out there: do not get me started about tobacco... you have been warned.) i miss my dad-in-law even more. ... he was 66.
for about a minute i thought i must have learned something to prepare for eventually losing my own parents. .. then i realized nothing could prepare me for that ... i didn’t then know how right i was.
the contrast in my in-laws’ deaths offered a strange insight:
mom went suddenly: good for her; devastating for us;
dad went slowly: agony for him; less devastating for us ... by the time he died we were all pulling for him to get the relief from all of his suffering and this made grieving for him easier ... sorta.but this insight is USELESS: ... no one would want to make such choices and on one can make them ... there are no choices! ...they just happen.
my own mom was 81 and my dad was 83 last june when they were broadsided by a truck .... my mom died immediately .... my father survived in intensive care for a week, but he never had a chance really ... we all get to a point (if we live so long) where we can not recover from a certain amount of injury ... my dad was doomed, but lived a week of torment before he died june 11th, 2002. ... again that contrast.
somehow i had let myself believe that my issues about my parenting made me less attached to my mom and dad and (given their ages, my sibs and i had tried to anticipate the inevitable) that i would be less affected when they passed... this delusion left me open to being blindsided by my grief and exacerbated my pain. ... and of course nothing could have prepared us for what did happen.
one very small consolation, i can offer... a parent losing a child is so much worse than a child losing a parent that it is a moral imperative for us to outlive our folks. ... and so going to the funerals of my folks and my in-laws was me doing my duty... in neither family did we lose any offspring... it’s a sad success, but better this sadness than the suffering our rickoshay faces with the loss of his son ... we may all pray for him and his.
and i fault myself for being depressed when i have the blessing of an excellent helpmate who has given us a wonderful 4yr old who brings us great joy everyday ... i am fortunate ... i know ... but i hope by trying to help others i may help myself ... i pray that my stories may have helped you.
kiss your mom for me before she goes that you may savior it from here on ... i got to kiss my dad and my dad-in-law.
and since she is going the slow way (if i may be so bold), do allow yourself this opportunity to grieve now and to say goodbye ... that her suffering may not be without a benefit.
babs, i have re-read this more than once and i cannot imagine if or how it might help you ... i am posting it anyway hoping it may be of benefit somehow .... just forgive me if it doesn’t work for you ... i only intend to share and commiserate in hopes that you will fell less alone in your tragedy ... we are here for you.
do make every effort to take good care of yourself;
make sure all of your care givers know all about your situation, especially your doctors;
cultivate that boyfriend’s support and talk him up about how, why and what kind of support you’d like;
try to avail yourself of others who will be grieving for your mom... helping others helps us;
plus Everything all the other posters have suggested.
do your best.
the rest will take care of itself.i have not meant to make you feel worse and i have not meant to be too presumptuous ... if i have, i ask your forgiveness.... again.
Take Care,
~ jim
poster:lil' jimi
thread:212441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030322/msgs/212568.html