Posted by WorryGirl on March 26, 2003, at 17:43:00
In reply to need support for grief, posted by babs on March 25, 2003, at 7:12:18
> Hi - I just need some support right now. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer in December and hospice has just been called in which basically means she is dying. I am having a total meltdown. My meds seem to be preventing me from sinking too low but I really need some advice on how to take care of myself right now.
Babs,
So sorry you're going through this sad time. For what it's worth, I'll share my thoughts.As hard as it might be due to her frailty, try to spend as much time with your mom as possible and you can help take care of each other. Even if she can only say a few words they will probably be the ones that stick out in your mind the most in the future. Just sitting beside her will speak volumes to her and she would probably love hearing anything at all from you.
>I completely freaked out on my boyfriend of five years this week about us not being married (we live together and until recently I was pretty happy with that arrangement as I know w'll get married some day). I realize now that because I'm losing my mom, I'm afraid of losing him too and marriage seems to be the way I want him to promise to be there forever for me. I know that, although I do want to marry him, it was more grief about my mom than anything else.
Don't feel too badly about freaking out with your boyfriend, especially considering the circumstances. It may not be the last time anyway!
It's frustrating when one of us is more ready for marriage than the other. If you have already had serious talks and he insists that you are a definite part of his future but you are tired of waiting maybe you could start talking about a tentative date for your wedding, even if it's 2-3 years away. Once that kind of talk happens it somehow seems to confirm things more in his mind, too, and he may seem less fearful. I could be wrong, but I think with most men and marriage, it's all about fear. Fear that their life will never be the same, fear that you will change, fear that they've lost their freedom, etc. You could look at this point in your life (your mother's illness) as a time where you want to make some definite changes (as in a permanent commitment with your fiancee [or boyfriend?]) or you might feel more comfortable waiting until your issues with your mother's illness have been dealt with. It's hard.>I've been trying to take care of myself- getting a lot of sleep, TRYING to eat right (hard- don't have much of an appetite), started meditating, but I feel like I'm just falling to pieces over this and I don't want to take it out on him again. I'm just really, really scared. My mom has been my best friend forever and has always supported me through the good and the bad. In some ways, I've already lost her. Because she is so sick, the mom I once relied on for support is gone. How have other people handles this kind of grief? What can I do to help myself so I don't take out my fear and pain on someone I love very much? I've considered a support group but there don't seem to be any where I live. I am seeing a therapist, writing in a journal. I am not, howvever exercising and I know I should be. Is there any reading I can do to amke this time a little easier? Help!
You sound like you're taking such good care of yourself and doing everything you can do healthwise. Your husband-to-be should play a large part in supporting you during this time. This is understandable going to be one of the hardest life issues you will deal with, especially considering your close relationship with your mom. This may be a good chance to see how he deals with life's pressures and how supportive he actually is (he must be a great guy if you've been with him 5 years). Your husband should be the person you share your frustrations and pain with (although they have their limits as I've found in my life - that's another story!) Maybe with a combination of prayer, this board, your friends, talking or spending time with your mom and your boyfriend/fiance you will find the support you need.
I surely wish the best for you and send my prayers to the three of you.
poster:WorryGirl
thread:212441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030326/msgs/213186.html