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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sjb on September 24, 2002, at 14:38:18
Hi,
I'm not in therapy at the moment, so I'd like to ask this board for advice.
I use to be really close to my sister, but in the last few years, I've really started to avoid her and just don't like her anymore. I guess I have a lot of guilt 'cause she a really kind and generous person and the "hub" of our family. Always has the events, dinners, coordinates get-togethers and stuff.
Some things have happened. Growing up she used to be my hero. She was beautiful and tough. Now, since I've moved away and married a very intelligent man, and have seen more of the world, my politcal views have become more and more liberal. I'm a hawk on environmental issues and human/animal rights. She's lives on a farm only miles from where I grew up, has SUVs, thinks interacial relationships are disgusting, snowmobiles for fun (one snowmobile = 100 cars!), her husband and kids hunt, have lots of guns, you get the picture.
Oh, and her husband molested me when I was 17. For years I never let myself think about it, but it kinda came up when I was hospitalized and since then, although I would never tell her, I avoid her more. She has asked in the past, "What have I done to you?" I don't know how to answer although I've told her that I've changed a lot from the farm girl and that we don't have a lot in common anymore.
I've posted here, before, how she told me once the "When the going gets tough the tough get going", things like that, which really upset me, although she was well-meaning.
I'm rambling but I feel so guily. I can't seem to separate my political views from hers or not hold it against her. Plus, she just really irritates me now even when she doesn't say anythig I disagree with, she just so goody-two shoes and naive about things. I know I've hurt her by not seeing or talking to her much anymore or emailing her about what is going on in my life. I just can't stand to talk to her anymore and I REALLY don't like seeing her redneck husband.
I get along with my other sisters and parents ok, but I tell them nothing about my life and we're not close. I just call or email once in a while and am polite and ask the right questions. I tell them nothing anymore about my depression 'cause they just don't get it, although I know they care and are well-meaning.
Why should we be close to family anyway? I just don't understand the pressure from society or why it's some big measure of your worth if you are close to family members. If you have nothing in common why can't you just go your separate ways?
Posted by IsoM on September 24, 2002, at 16:58:52
In reply to Why don't I like my sister anymore?, posted by sjb on September 24, 2002, at 14:38:18
"If you have nothing in common why can't you just go your separate ways?"
It's the way I feel & I don't think I'm cold-hearted either. I love my Mom very much, she's kind & loving to me but she can be very irritating. But I ignore that as she's 80 & rather set in her ways. My two brothers are nothing like me, or each other. I feel a degree of familial love for them but am not at all close. They have traits & views that go totally against what I believe in. We don't share the same interests either. So I sort of keep in contact with them to know how things are going, for family business, & in case serious problems arise - nothing more. I don't think we should feel guilty if some of us have very different personalities from our siblings.
I've found that families that are close generally have had happy, well-adjusted parents & similar interests. Should they feel guilty for being close & have others view it as unhealthy? No more than if we're not close.
Posted by Phil on September 24, 2002, at 18:29:50
In reply to Why don't I like my sister anymore?, posted by sjb on September 24, 2002, at 14:38:18
As we chatted about in Al-Anon, especially as Christmas approached, most of us were going to be with our family of choice, not our family of origin.
If y'all are both strong minded about your political views, I wouldn't see her much. Unless you could put it aside.
One thing I couldn't put aside is telling her what her husband did. You suffer with this rape and she's none the wiser. You aren't doing her a favor and depending on how she responds, you two could be very close again. If she gets hurt or pissed at you, then you have a choice to make.
I would pick a Hallmark setting with the two of you and I would say, "You know when you asked me...well, here's the deal." You are only as sick as your secrets, some would say.
Thank God I'm not a judge in child abuse cases, incest, and raping little sisters. He'd be out of jail in 10-15 mandatory. My guess is he's still acting out while married to your sister. Tell her to hire a PI.
I think the molestation is keeping y'all apart alot more than politics. If she's that naive, you still need to let her know because her jerk husband certainly isn't.
I love my two brothers but when one moved to town several years ago, it was twilight zone time. I love them more than I can say. Do I want them next door, nope.
I'm kinda spaced out from allergies today so I hope something I said makes sense.
Posted by BekkaH on September 24, 2002, at 21:44:25
In reply to Re: Why don't I like my sister anymore? » sjb, posted by Phil on September 24, 2002, at 18:29:50
>You are only as sick as your secrets, some would say.>
Phil, I like that line. Is it yours or are you quoting someone else? May I use it some time?
Posted by Phil on September 25, 2002, at 6:25:35
In reply to Re: Why don't I like my sister anymore?, posted by BekkaH on September 24, 2002, at 21:44:25
Heard it in AA so I don't know where it originated. I use it, so can you!
Posted by tina on September 25, 2002, at 7:48:07
In reply to Why don't I like my sister anymore?, posted by sjb on September 24, 2002, at 14:38:18
> Why should we be close to family anyway? I just don't understand the pressure from society or why it's some big measure of your worth if you are close to family members. If you have nothing in common why can't you just go your separate ways?
I have always believed that if the people around you take away from the person you are, then don't be around them.
If you met someone at a party or on the street that made you feel awful inside, you wouldn't choose that person to befriend, would you? So just because the people are 'family' doesn't mean you have to have them as your friends either.
Just my humble opinion.>
>
Posted by sjb on September 25, 2002, at 10:11:50
In reply to Re: Why don't I like my sister anymore? » sjb, posted by Phil on September 24, 2002, at 18:29:50
Phil,
Thanks, but, whew. It was not a rape, just some fondling and it was 25 years ago. Doesn't that make it less of a big deal? I guess I've always struggled with that. One PDoc told me he was just being a bully and to forget about it. Other therapists and PDocs jumped all over it and agreed with you, that it is the source of a lot of things. I'm sure there is something to that, as I have two other sisters with very kind husbands, and feel very comfortable around them. They have always been kind and caring to me (never touched me inappropriately), and I believe wonderful, faithful husbands.
Posted by Phil on September 25, 2002, at 13:13:07
In reply to Re: Why don't I like my sister anymore?Phil, posted by sjb on September 25, 2002, at 10:11:50
> Phil,
>
> Thanks, but, whew. It was not a rape, just some fondling and it was 25 years ago. Doesn't that make it less of a big deal?No. And fondling a 17 year old is close enough to rape in the feelings about yourself you're stuck with.
I guess I've always struggled with that. One PDoc told me he was just being a bully and to forget about it.That's a pdoc that couldn't find his butt with both hands. What a moron.
Other therapists and PDocs jumped all over it and agreed with you, that it is the source of a lot of things. I'm sure there is something to that, as I have two other sisters with very kind husbands, and feel very comfortable around them. They have always been kind and caring to me (never touched me inappropriately), and I believe wonderful, faithful husbands.
>
>> My first therapist said it best referring to abuse in the past. It's like a sore in your mouth that you can't keep your tongue off of. haha Or a chipped tooth with live nerves. It hurts when you touch it but you keep touching it. And until you get honest about it, it will be there.Good luck. Hope I wasn't too blunt but I know the territory.
Good luck
Posted by sjb on September 25, 2002, at 13:23:29
In reply to Re: Why don't I like my sister anymore?Phil, posted by Phil on September 25, 2002, at 13:13:07
Thank you, Phil, and to all the other responders as well. I like blunt.
I don't know where to start, but I know you've given me great advice.
sjb
Posted by sjb on September 25, 2002, at 13:57:21
In reply to Re: Why don't I like my sister anymore?Phil, posted by Phil on September 25, 2002, at 13:13:07
I'm also afraid they wouldn't believe me or go into denial about it. My brother-in-law is highly respected in the community and my family thinks he's wonderful. I've always been the "unconventional" one of the family.
I told one of my other sisters and she was sorry but then she just acted like she just wanted to forget about it. I certainly didn't want to obsess about it, but I was actually hurt that she wasn't mad at my brother-in-law for me. I guess I wanted your reaction, Phil. I didn't want her to do anything for me, like confront him, but a little bit of anger with him while talking with me about it, somehow would've made me feel better. Do you know what I mean?
In fact about a year or so after I told her she told me about a visit she made to my sister and brother-in-law shortly after 9/11. She told me she hugged my sister and him 'cause she was so glad all of us were healthy, ok etc. Normally this would've been a touching thing, but I remember thinking, "She doesn't hold this against him at all." It's like she already put it completely out of her mind.
I realize I'm delving too much here. Guess I should get back to therapy. I think it's one reason I keep stopping or switching. I've never wanted to deal with it.
Posted by Phil on September 25, 2002, at 18:26:59
In reply to Re: Why don't I like my sister anymore?Phil, posted by sjb on September 25, 2002, at 13:57:21
Find a damn good therapist. This is where talk therapy kicks ass. If your family can't or won't accept it or you don't want to open that can of worms, a good therapist is like fresh air.
Write anger letters to each of your family members and take as long as you need. But write them individually and really try to open yourself up to really feel your feelings and put them on paper. Write what you feel, don't judge it just write. Don't mail them. haha That was one of the most effective tools in my therapy. Had no idea of the level of anger I was carrying towards my father. Parents divorced when I was 5 and I heard from him 2 times as a little kid, and saw him once for a few hours when I was 16. I didn't know how much shit I had stuffed and I had already had years of therapy.
A lot of families chose to stay sick rather than deal with all this messy feeling stuff. But one thing for sure: You don't have to and that's all that matters.
This is the end of the thread.
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