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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
I am so frustrated, hurt, and furious right now. I called home tonight to ask permission to buy a tv and vcr (an issue which we had already discussed and agreed that I should get them) b/c I'm completely financially dependent on my parents. My dad was already asleep, so I had to talk to my mom. My mom and I have always had a really rocky relationship until the last couple of months, in which she seemed to have completely altered her personality. When I was growing up, she was always insanely critical of everything that I did and always blamed things over which I had no control on me. Well, recently, she's been so maternal- nurturing, supportive, etc.- so that I didn't really know how to react, but I certainly enjoyed the change. Apparently, my calling tonight caused our relationship to regress back to its old state. She started yelling at me about being irresponsible and insisted on disagreeing with absolutely everything, on principle it seemed. Anyway, she really ripped me apart, when I was with my boyfriend in fact. I don't know why this is upsetting me so much, really, since I should be used to her irrational, random outbursts at this point. After 21 years of living with her, you would think that I would be able to anticipate her reactions somewhat, but I can't at all. She's so unpredictable. For some reason, she really, really hurt me tonight. Even now, several hours later, I can't help but cry.
A good friend of mine, also my ex-boyfriend, has talked to me several times about my apparent fear of getting older. I really don't want to be out of school b/c I'm terrified of the responsibilities that would face me. "Real life" seems so overwhelmingly difficult, and I don't even want to think about all of the responsibilities that will face me. His feeling is that I already have so many responsibilities with all of my current commitments that it won't be overwhelming; also, he doesn't understand why I see life as so difficult. I think I understand a little more after tonight's experience: Getting things done while I'm under my parents' jurisdiction is so incredibly hard. Everytime I want to do something, they sit there and rip apart my thoughts and ideas until I am completely exhausted and defenseless. As a result, I see myself going through that same process all through my life. Does this make sense, or is this rambling just a symptom of my sleep deprivation?? I don't know--
I've been doing SO well emotionally before tonight, and now I'm about to completely fall apart, once again. I don't understand why she has such power over me, or maybe it's really not her- maybe I just overreact to everything and fall apart when things don't go my way. A lot of people see me that way, I think-- the spoiled little brat who gets depressed when things don't go perfectly. That makes me really sad b/c I'm really not like that, I don't think; I'm always getting myself into trouble b/c all I think about are other people's feelings, instead of considering my own feelings. Well, I think I'll stop rambling now. I think I really needed to get all of that off of my chest. Any support or advice would be very welcome...
-Manda
Posted by IsoM on May 22, 2002, at 0:55:25
In reply to Issues with my mom, posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
You'll get support from me, Manda. Yes, perhaps you are selfish & spoiled - I don't REALLY know you BUT you don't seem like it in the least to me. You just sound confused, troubled, & hurt.
Of course, you would find the prospect of 'growing up' & taking on responsibility to be daunting! One of the roles of good parenting is to gently ease (to the best of our imperfect abilities) our children through the transition of adolescence into adulthood. We do so by showing them bit by bit how to make good decisions, & the reasons for these choices. If a parent doesn't help their child develop this ability, how will they ever know how to make decisions? It doesn't come naturally like walking but is a skill that needs to be taught & then fine-honed through trial-&-error.
If your decisions were always made for you, or when given the chance to do so yourself, it was torn apart afterwards, growing up with all its responsibilites WOULD BE frightening. You're already mentally prepared to do it all wrong & unconsiciously feel someone will tear apart your decisions, it seems to me.
Sadly, your Mom probably had difficulty in growing up herself. You may be aware of something that may have affected her, or it might even be something she keeps strictly to herself. If she's been sweet & nurturing for a while but wasn't this last time, maybe something has triggered her reaction. Not anything you've done - but something, anything else that may have made her unconsicously revert to old behaviour.
I, too, have a small reservoir for tolerance to stresses. I think I'm doing okay then something fairly trivial will come along & frustrate me no end - out of all proportion to how I should feel. At such times, I pull back a little & reason with myself saying "I guess my mental reserve isn't quite as filled as I thought it to be". Makes me realise that I still may be rather fragile for whatever reason. It shows me that mentally (& sometimes physically), I'm a little run-down & either need more sleep, more nutrients, more walks, or more of something or another that strengthens me. In a few days, I'll feel a little better.
Don't feel bad about coming apart over something like this. If you weren't affected, I don't think you'd be the sweet person I imagine you. It would have to be a pretty heartless, tough, uncaring individual not to feel so hurt & devastated. And you're not like that. Rest assure dyour reaction to all this is very normal. I wonder if there's any classes or therapies that teach decision-making abilities that would help you? Maybe someone else can comment on that.
Posted by Manda on May 22, 2002, at 8:24:51
In reply to support... » Manda, posted by IsoM on May 22, 2002, at 0:55:25
Posted by SandraDee on May 22, 2002, at 10:15:46
In reply to Issues with my mom, posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
Manda,
I can relate. And I don't really know what I'm going to say just yet, I'm just going to start... My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship as you described. Are you an only child? I was/am. I was also physically abused by her, but didn't realize it until I was 13 and never measured up to her standards. Even a "B" wasn't good enough in school. Always looked for her approval. I wish I could say it gets better. I know that doesn't sound so great, but it does make one stronger. My mom also is not a nurturer, and now that I have kids all of a sudden I expect her to be this fabulous grandma, HAHAHAHA My dad kicks me back into reality and reminds me that if she wasn't a nurturing loving mom, why would she be this imaginary grandma that I crave? So I have toughened up a bit. I still have fights with her, and I still end up crying occasionally at the disbeleif that someone could be like her. (ie: I'll call her crying about being stressed with 2 little kids, and that I need help, and she'll say she is too busy filling her new pantry up or doing laundry or worse she'll say "You wanted them, you deal with them"!) Life is hard, responsibility gets overwhelming. I wish I could say it's a fairy tale life. Marriage and mortgage and kids and all that is responsibilty, but there are good things in all of it. I don't mean to sound gloomy, but I had a very distorted image of what marriage and kids would bring... and I realize you are only 21 so you have a ways to go... :)
All said with love,
-Me> I am so frustrated, hurt, and furious right now. I called home tonight to ask permission to buy a tv and vcr (an issue which we had already discussed and agreed that I should get them) b/c I'm completely financially dependent on my parents. My dad was already asleep, so I had to talk to my mom. My mom and I have always had a really rocky relationship until the last couple of months, in which she seemed to have completely altered her personality. When I was growing up, she was always insanely critical of everything that I did and always blamed things over which I had no control on me. Well, recently, she's been so maternal- nurturing, supportive, etc.- so that I didn't really know how to react, but I certainly enjoyed the change. Apparently, my calling tonight caused our relationship to regress back to its old state. She started yelling at me about being irresponsible and insisted on disagreeing with absolutely everything, on principle it seemed. Anyway, she really ripped me apart, when I was with my boyfriend in fact. I don't know why this is upsetting me so much, really, since I should be used to her irrational, random outbursts at this point. After 21 years of living with her, you would think that I would be able to anticipate her reactions somewhat, but I can't at all. She's so unpredictable. For some reason, she really, really hurt me tonight. Even now, several hours later, I can't help but cry.
>
> A good friend of mine, also my ex-boyfriend, has talked to me several times about my apparent fear of getting older. I really don't want to be out of school b/c I'm terrified of the responsibilities that would face me. "Real life" seems so overwhelmingly difficult, and I don't even want to think about all of the responsibilities that will face me. His feeling is that I already have so many responsibilities with all of my current commitments that it won't be overwhelming; also, he doesn't understand why I see life as so difficult. I think I understand a little more after tonight's experience: Getting things done while I'm under my parents' jurisdiction is so incredibly hard. Everytime I want to do something, they sit there and rip apart my thoughts and ideas until I am completely exhausted and defenseless. As a result, I see myself going through that same process all through my life. Does this make sense, or is this rambling just a symptom of my sleep deprivation?? I don't know--
>
> I've been doing SO well emotionally before tonight, and now I'm about to completely fall apart, once again. I don't understand why she has such power over me, or maybe it's really not her- maybe I just overreact to everything and fall apart when things don't go my way. A lot of people see me that way, I think-- the spoiled little brat who gets depressed when things don't go perfectly. That makes me really sad b/c I'm really not like that, I don't think; I'm always getting myself into trouble b/c all I think about are other people's feelings, instead of considering my own feelings. Well, I think I'll stop rambling now. I think I really needed to get all of that off of my chest. Any support or advice would be very welcome...
>
> -Manda
Posted by krazy kat on May 22, 2002, at 10:22:55
In reply to Issues with my mom, posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
Manda:
I'm 31 (I almost wrote 30 - not used to being over that hill yet) and I just had a dream last night about my parents. They wouldn't let me go to a Willie Nelson concert (??) all of my friends were traveling to for an overnight stay. I was about 16. In reality, they were very, very strict and caused me a lot of heartache because of it.
I woke feeling as if I had dreamed about Hannibal Lecter.
Our situations may be completely different, just wanted to share one person's thoughts about children and parents, esp. when there are "issues" between them.
I did not get along with my parents until about 25. Even now, we have our good and bad conversations (they live out-of-state).
As long as you are dependent on them, it will probably be more difficult to forge a good relationship. So, I would focus on where you want to go with your life for now, and leave them out of it as much as possible. I don't mean cut them off (I think that's almost always a big mistake), but start defining You, not who they determined you to be.
Re: being frightened of the real world - me, too!! Still!! It's not that bad, though I have realized I am not meant to exist in it the same way most people do. And you don't have to. You don't have to get a 9:00 - 5:00 job in an office. There are other options.
Take care.
- kk
Posted by katekite on May 22, 2002, at 18:06:01
In reply to Issues with my mom, posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
Hi Manda,
So what you're saying, in a way, is that your mom was pretty critical of you a lot, you're not sure why but she's been usually nicer lately, but then most recently she really got on your case again.
Now lets ask: did you make enormous changes that would have prompted that? Unless its very clear that you did, it may well have not much at all to do with you. It might be that she is having her own struggles and sometimes has been happier than other times. You may think it was asking for the tv, but maybe it wasn't -- maybe she had a bad day or an argument or something else.
Usually people are scared of growing up when those around them haven't had an easy time being adults. Personally, my parents always told me from when I was really little: "enjoy being a kid, it only gets harder", stuff like that. They were tied down with a marriage that wasn't perfect and 3 kids and lots of bills. It didn't look fun. I'm sure it wasn't. They did it too soon and too many kids to enjoy themselves too.
So I was pretty shocked to find that once I got a job and my own place and didn't need them financially so much, that I was fine! In fact I really liked it. I still have photos of my first car of my own that I bought myself. I named it. I have my own moods and stuff to deal with but when that's under control its a lot easier than I thought it would be. Most of the world isn't that different at being an adult than they were at being school kids. We all just muddle through and do the best we can. Everyone around you is going through the same sort of thing. The times where things change are hard on everyone, but as soon as you've had a job or a car or a boat or a tv or whatever for a couple months it gets to feel normal and fine.
It won't be as bad as you think. Just don't have a family right away, don't get married before you're ready... save up and take a trip or get yourself the coolest thing you always wanted.
Parents often wish is that they could be a kid again. They wouldn't be as happy as they think. Driving, eating where you want, wearing what you want, all of that. As an adult with a job you can do anything that YOU want to. The freedom is wonderful.
No matter how old you are, no one else is better at being an adult than you are right now (ok lets say if you're over 16). (under 16 a lot of things like bank accounts are still hard to deal with). There isn't any magic that people get at 25 or 30. People slowly get good at the things they find hard through practice, and when they want to they take on more things they want to do: like having a kid, etc.
It's never easy or fun to be financially dependent on parents once we are old enough to be independent mentally. It's a hard place to be in and the only way I dealt with it was just to look forward to the time when I would be financially independent, bide my time. I tried to just be as nice to my parents as I could, but tried to keep some of my life private too (hard because my mom wants to know everything!)
If you can remember what the first time you got an allowance was like, or a big gift of money from a relative that seemed like it could buy anything, well becoming financially independent is like that all over again.
My relationship with both of my parents improved a lot after I finally got financially independent. Not saying its not something to work on sooner, but sometimes it can take that final push. Otherwise they can still think of you as a child, still want to make decisions for you.
No matter what problems you have, others have some too... everyone struggles with getting independent from parents and everyone has fear, whether they say so or not. A lot of the bravado in my high school graduating class, moving to the city etc, was just their way of dealing with that fear -- pretending to be invincible. No one is invincible.
It can be very frustrating....take care and try to be nice to yourself.
kate
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