Posted by SandraDee on May 22, 2002, at 10:15:46
In reply to Issues with my mom, posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
Manda,
I can relate. And I don't really know what I'm going to say just yet, I'm just going to start... My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship as you described. Are you an only child? I was/am. I was also physically abused by her, but didn't realize it until I was 13 and never measured up to her standards. Even a "B" wasn't good enough in school. Always looked for her approval. I wish I could say it gets better. I know that doesn't sound so great, but it does make one stronger. My mom also is not a nurturer, and now that I have kids all of a sudden I expect her to be this fabulous grandma, HAHAHAHA My dad kicks me back into reality and reminds me that if she wasn't a nurturing loving mom, why would she be this imaginary grandma that I crave? So I have toughened up a bit. I still have fights with her, and I still end up crying occasionally at the disbeleif that someone could be like her. (ie: I'll call her crying about being stressed with 2 little kids, and that I need help, and she'll say she is too busy filling her new pantry up or doing laundry or worse she'll say "You wanted them, you deal with them"!) Life is hard, responsibility gets overwhelming. I wish I could say it's a fairy tale life. Marriage and mortgage and kids and all that is responsibilty, but there are good things in all of it. I don't mean to sound gloomy, but I had a very distorted image of what marriage and kids would bring... and I realize you are only 21 so you have a ways to go... :)
All said with love,
-Me> I am so frustrated, hurt, and furious right now. I called home tonight to ask permission to buy a tv and vcr (an issue which we had already discussed and agreed that I should get them) b/c I'm completely financially dependent on my parents. My dad was already asleep, so I had to talk to my mom. My mom and I have always had a really rocky relationship until the last couple of months, in which she seemed to have completely altered her personality. When I was growing up, she was always insanely critical of everything that I did and always blamed things over which I had no control on me. Well, recently, she's been so maternal- nurturing, supportive, etc.- so that I didn't really know how to react, but I certainly enjoyed the change. Apparently, my calling tonight caused our relationship to regress back to its old state. She started yelling at me about being irresponsible and insisted on disagreeing with absolutely everything, on principle it seemed. Anyway, she really ripped me apart, when I was with my boyfriend in fact. I don't know why this is upsetting me so much, really, since I should be used to her irrational, random outbursts at this point. After 21 years of living with her, you would think that I would be able to anticipate her reactions somewhat, but I can't at all. She's so unpredictable. For some reason, she really, really hurt me tonight. Even now, several hours later, I can't help but cry.
>
> A good friend of mine, also my ex-boyfriend, has talked to me several times about my apparent fear of getting older. I really don't want to be out of school b/c I'm terrified of the responsibilities that would face me. "Real life" seems so overwhelmingly difficult, and I don't even want to think about all of the responsibilities that will face me. His feeling is that I already have so many responsibilities with all of my current commitments that it won't be overwhelming; also, he doesn't understand why I see life as so difficult. I think I understand a little more after tonight's experience: Getting things done while I'm under my parents' jurisdiction is so incredibly hard. Everytime I want to do something, they sit there and rip apart my thoughts and ideas until I am completely exhausted and defenseless. As a result, I see myself going through that same process all through my life. Does this make sense, or is this rambling just a symptom of my sleep deprivation?? I don't know--
>
> I've been doing SO well emotionally before tonight, and now I'm about to completely fall apart, once again. I don't understand why she has such power over me, or maybe it's really not her- maybe I just overreact to everything and fall apart when things don't go my way. A lot of people see me that way, I think-- the spoiled little brat who gets depressed when things don't go perfectly. That makes me really sad b/c I'm really not like that, I don't think; I'm always getting myself into trouble b/c all I think about are other people's feelings, instead of considering my own feelings. Well, I think I'll stop rambling now. I think I really needed to get all of that off of my chest. Any support or advice would be very welcome...
>
> -Manda
poster:SandraDee
thread:24263
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020517/msgs/24283.html