Posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
I am so frustrated, hurt, and furious right now. I called home tonight to ask permission to buy a tv and vcr (an issue which we had already discussed and agreed that I should get them) b/c I'm completely financially dependent on my parents. My dad was already asleep, so I had to talk to my mom. My mom and I have always had a really rocky relationship until the last couple of months, in which she seemed to have completely altered her personality. When I was growing up, she was always insanely critical of everything that I did and always blamed things over which I had no control on me. Well, recently, she's been so maternal- nurturing, supportive, etc.- so that I didn't really know how to react, but I certainly enjoyed the change. Apparently, my calling tonight caused our relationship to regress back to its old state. She started yelling at me about being irresponsible and insisted on disagreeing with absolutely everything, on principle it seemed. Anyway, she really ripped me apart, when I was with my boyfriend in fact. I don't know why this is upsetting me so much, really, since I should be used to her irrational, random outbursts at this point. After 21 years of living with her, you would think that I would be able to anticipate her reactions somewhat, but I can't at all. She's so unpredictable. For some reason, she really, really hurt me tonight. Even now, several hours later, I can't help but cry.
A good friend of mine, also my ex-boyfriend, has talked to me several times about my apparent fear of getting older. I really don't want to be out of school b/c I'm terrified of the responsibilities that would face me. "Real life" seems so overwhelmingly difficult, and I don't even want to think about all of the responsibilities that will face me. His feeling is that I already have so many responsibilities with all of my current commitments that it won't be overwhelming; also, he doesn't understand why I see life as so difficult. I think I understand a little more after tonight's experience: Getting things done while I'm under my parents' jurisdiction is so incredibly hard. Everytime I want to do something, they sit there and rip apart my thoughts and ideas until I am completely exhausted and defenseless. As a result, I see myself going through that same process all through my life. Does this make sense, or is this rambling just a symptom of my sleep deprivation?? I don't know--
I've been doing SO well emotionally before tonight, and now I'm about to completely fall apart, once again. I don't understand why she has such power over me, or maybe it's really not her- maybe I just overreact to everything and fall apart when things don't go my way. A lot of people see me that way, I think-- the spoiled little brat who gets depressed when things don't go perfectly. That makes me really sad b/c I'm really not like that, I don't think; I'm always getting myself into trouble b/c all I think about are other people's feelings, instead of considering my own feelings. Well, I think I'll stop rambling now. I think I really needed to get all of that off of my chest. Any support or advice would be very welcome...
-Manda
poster:Manda
thread:24263
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020517/msgs/24263.html