Posted by katekite on May 22, 2002, at 18:06:01
In reply to Issues with my mom, posted by Manda on May 21, 2002, at 22:53:45
Hi Manda,
So what you're saying, in a way, is that your mom was pretty critical of you a lot, you're not sure why but she's been usually nicer lately, but then most recently she really got on your case again.
Now lets ask: did you make enormous changes that would have prompted that? Unless its very clear that you did, it may well have not much at all to do with you. It might be that she is having her own struggles and sometimes has been happier than other times. You may think it was asking for the tv, but maybe it wasn't -- maybe she had a bad day or an argument or something else.
Usually people are scared of growing up when those around them haven't had an easy time being adults. Personally, my parents always told me from when I was really little: "enjoy being a kid, it only gets harder", stuff like that. They were tied down with a marriage that wasn't perfect and 3 kids and lots of bills. It didn't look fun. I'm sure it wasn't. They did it too soon and too many kids to enjoy themselves too.
So I was pretty shocked to find that once I got a job and my own place and didn't need them financially so much, that I was fine! In fact I really liked it. I still have photos of my first car of my own that I bought myself. I named it. I have my own moods and stuff to deal with but when that's under control its a lot easier than I thought it would be. Most of the world isn't that different at being an adult than they were at being school kids. We all just muddle through and do the best we can. Everyone around you is going through the same sort of thing. The times where things change are hard on everyone, but as soon as you've had a job or a car or a boat or a tv or whatever for a couple months it gets to feel normal and fine.
It won't be as bad as you think. Just don't have a family right away, don't get married before you're ready... save up and take a trip or get yourself the coolest thing you always wanted.
Parents often wish is that they could be a kid again. They wouldn't be as happy as they think. Driving, eating where you want, wearing what you want, all of that. As an adult with a job you can do anything that YOU want to. The freedom is wonderful.
No matter how old you are, no one else is better at being an adult than you are right now (ok lets say if you're over 16). (under 16 a lot of things like bank accounts are still hard to deal with). There isn't any magic that people get at 25 or 30. People slowly get good at the things they find hard through practice, and when they want to they take on more things they want to do: like having a kid, etc.
It's never easy or fun to be financially dependent on parents once we are old enough to be independent mentally. It's a hard place to be in and the only way I dealt with it was just to look forward to the time when I would be financially independent, bide my time. I tried to just be as nice to my parents as I could, but tried to keep some of my life private too (hard because my mom wants to know everything!)
If you can remember what the first time you got an allowance was like, or a big gift of money from a relative that seemed like it could buy anything, well becoming financially independent is like that all over again.
My relationship with both of my parents improved a lot after I finally got financially independent. Not saying its not something to work on sooner, but sometimes it can take that final push. Otherwise they can still think of you as a child, still want to make decisions for you.
No matter what problems you have, others have some too... everyone struggles with getting independent from parents and everyone has fear, whether they say so or not. A lot of the bravado in my high school graduating class, moving to the city etc, was just their way of dealing with that fear -- pretending to be invincible. No one is invincible.
It can be very frustrating....take care and try to be nice to yourself.
kate
poster:katekite
thread:24263
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020517/msgs/24343.html