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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
I wrote a note to my therapist in which I admitted that I am attracted to him. I gave it to him two weeks ago today, and at our next session, he told me that the attraction is mutual. We've spent our last three sessions talking about it, and I have to say that he has been very professional, appropriate, warm, sensitive, etc. about it every time. He told me that for a long time he wasn't sure whether he should tell me about his feelings, but that he ultimately decided that he ought to because he had a strong sense that it would be good for our work together. I asked him how he feels about being attracted to me. If it freaks him out. He said that it feels good, that it doesn't freak him out, but that he is very aware that we're walking a thin line, and that he is going to be very careful not to cross it. I trust him. I know that it's a thin line, too, and I'm being careful myself. I told a couple of friends about all this, though, and they seemed to think that he crossed the line the moment he admitted his attraction. A lot of the literature on this topic seems to stress that same point. What do you think? Is it always wrong for a therapist to admit an attraction to a patient? It seems to me that it was the human thing to do. The natural thing. I think that our feelings for each other have been obvious right from the start, so now that they are out in the open, things seem more authentic, somehow, and we seem to be communicating on a whole new plane. Of course, it's hard for me, in some sense, knowing that the attraction is mutual but that it can never lead to anything beyond a close therapeutic relationship. But it's not so hard for me that I wish he'd never told me. If he has done anything wrong, it's very hard for me to see it...
(Also, I feel kind of bad/selfish posting here, as I've been terrible about responding to others' posts since I joined this community a couple of months ago. I always *want* to respond--but my anxiety gets the best of me. So, I'm sorry for not being a more active participant. Suffice it to say that I read your stories and my heart goes out to all of you, truly.)
Posted by JayMac on October 6, 2008, at 19:46:58
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
Suede,
It sounds like telling him has really made you feel closer to your T. And that is great. It is not uncommon for patients to be attracted to their T, or fall in love with their T. Nor is it uncommon for hetersexual women to have feelings for their female T. Without going too much into transference and countertransference (if you are interested, I would love to tell you more!), I believe, that in 98% of these sorts of cases it is not beneficial for the patient for the therapist to tell the patient that they have feelings for them. In many cases (although not in all), it can create a sexualized dynamic. My belief, along with most of the psychological community, is that this information completely rests on the therapist to use anything that you are feeling for him (i.e. transference) in such a way that adds to your relationship, deepens it, and furthers along your treatment/goals.Your therapist (or anyone's) is obligated to do things that are for YOUR benefit. It may be beneficial for you and/or him to admit that yes, he is attracted to you, but he should NOT be acting upon that and he should use this information (and any information) in such a way to foster your therapuetic alliance.
I am more than happy to elaborate. I can also recommend some great books on the subject! =)
Hugs,
JayMac
Posted by seldomseen on October 6, 2008, at 20:16:03
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
Some time ago my therapist revealed very much the same thing. He still tells me that I am very attractive when I do this one thing.
He even went so far to say that he did desire me sexually and that there was two people- a man and a woman in that room. I mean it wasn't something that he harped on or anything, but it was definately out in the open.
It was a VERY tough thing to deal with. It felt like there was a whole lot of push-pull, stop-go. It was obvious nothing was going to happen between us. So no worries there.
But it did, at least for me, put a wedge of fear between us that had to be dealt with.
I remember in one landmark session he pointed out that those feelings of mutual attraction and desire could exist in the room and not spoil anything. They could be held there.
It turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me in therapy. Attraction, desire could just "be". No one was harmed by it and it didn't impair the work we were doing.
It's still kind of neat that my T thinks I'm attractive, but it's clearly not the most important thing in my therapy.
We have a deep alliance now that was very much fueled by mutal disclosure and honesty. In the end it actually made me trust him more.
You've got to talk about this, talk about how you feel about it. THe good and the bad.
If used correctly it can potentially drive the therapy.
Keep us posted.
Seldom
Posted by JayJ on October 6, 2008, at 21:44:30
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
Sounds pretty scary. I think it would make me very anxious. I would always be watching to see if this is the start of the "slippery slope". I would probably be over-interpreting his every word and action after that, at least for a long while. It would have to take a lot of good behaviour or a really good explanation of why he revealed that to make me at ease again. Of course, that's just me. Do be careful though, maybe he does have very good reasons and intent, but if there are any further slips in that direction, I would really be concerned. Unfortunately, this puts the burden on you, which is not where it should be. It can be so difficult when inevitably we get so emotionally tangled with our Ts. I hope everything goes for the best.
JayJ
Posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 22:45:56
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
Suede,
It would make me nervous for the same reasons JayJ cites. Therapy should be a place of absolute, rock-steady safety, with a complete focus on you. There are more dangers than the obvious slippery slope. They may not lead to anything he would get "disbarred" for, but could still be bad for you and your therapy. It does introduce an element of risk which really shouldn't be there. The idea of therapy resting on a "fine line" really just doesn't sound very reassuring to me. Therapy should rest on a nice, broad, solid base, not a thin line between workable and disaster.
I can believe that your T feels he can handle it. As for whether it will really help your therapy, that is just his feeling and even though it may be based on his experience, you still should question it. It's your therapy. If it fails, you will be the one who loses, money, time, and who knows what emotionally. The course of therapy can, and often is, unpredictable. That can be safely accommodated in a well-boundaried relationship. That margin of safety all but disappears in the situation you describe.
I do agree with the statement in Seldom's post that attraction (along with a lot of other strong feelings) can simply just "be" in the room. But I just get the sense from your post that already there is a charged atmosphere, which suggests that as JayMac says, the therapy space is already becoming sexualized. I personally think that it is very challenging to be candid and honest in therapy, and I can't imagine an atmosphere of mutual attraction making that any easier, especially for sensitive topics. And those are often the ones we most need to talk about.
I do not believe that it is always wrong for a T to admit attraction. There are undoubtedly cases where this is the right thing to do. Seldom suggests that it worked for her. But I do think that in the vast majority of cases, it introduces hazards into therapy that just are not meant to be there.
The asymmetry of the therapeutic relationship is inescapable. If your T is attracted to you, that means a great deal because he assumes such importance in your life. If you are attracted to him, well, not sure how to say this but, attraction could feature similarly in at least some of his other therapeutic relationships. So that same mutual attraction just can't mean the same thing to both of you, which is going to be tougher for you to deal with than him. Much tougher, if you've been reading recently posted threads here on Babble.
In any case, I would STRONGLY urge you to get consultation ASAP, before things go much further. You probably would want to go by yourself to talk about the situation and your feelings to a consulting therapist. But your T should be willing, under the circumstances, to get consultation himself and let you know that he did. If he is a responsible T, he will make sure he gets some supervision of your case - it's in his best interests as well. ALL of the sources that talk about this subject warn that secrecy or unwillingness to talk about the situation to colleagues is a strong signal that something is wrong. He should not be doing anything in your therapy that he is uncomfortable to disclose to his colleagues.
Hope this helps.
Lucie
Posted by JouezMoi on October 7, 2008, at 5:34:42
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 22:45:56
Suedehead,
I think this is a good development and I think you can make it beneficial to you. I had something similar happen, but I didn't handle it well. I terminated.
In retrospect, his revelation is still all about you. It can help you know that you are attractive, you are lovable and you are worthy of love, without you having to sacrifice you. You came to him being you, showing all your 'warts' and you are still attractive and lovable.
There is a lesson here. Keep it in perspective. It's ALL about YOU. Feel those loving feelings, yours and his, and HEAL !
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 7:35:38
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction, posted by JouezMoi on October 7, 2008, at 5:34:42
Thanks for your responses, everyone. I want to reply in greater detail but I'm on my way out the door. I'll write more soon!
Posted by antigua3 on October 7, 2008, at 7:52:32
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
Well, while there are many schools of thought on the "correctness" of this, all I can add is that IMO it is better that he admitted it than ignored it. Ignoring the obvious (at least from one person's perspective) can be equally damaging because it makes one doubt themselves. Now you know it's there, you didn't imagine it, etc., and now you can work with it. But if there's any sense of him stepping over a boundary that you don't feel comfortable with then you actually need to be the stronger one and take care of yourself.
best of luck,
antigua
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 7, 2008, at 8:07:42
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
There are different schools of thought....I've been in love with my t for over 4 years; I told him about it years ago, because I felt he knew it anyway, and didn't want to feel like I was hiding something, etc...he handled it very gently and sensitively.
Unfortunately, over the past few years, we are in a personal relationship.....it is excruciating..
It would have been better on one hand, if he hadn't revealed that he had feelings for me...he said he is "torn and confused, scared and conflicted." Gee, how does that help ME?!
He also said: "If I were not married, I would probably go for it." This stuff "kills" me.
He said, "as long as we talk about it, it isn't dangerous." Oh, yes it is.
I could write a book about our relationship (no, there hasn't been any sex).....
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Nadezda on October 7, 2008, at 10:05:13
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
The following site contained an interesting discussion of the issue, largely more positive about therapist self-disclosure of sexual feelings than one would expect. It mentioned several studies of the impact (there are few considerations of this type of disclosure).
http://www.homestudycredit.com/courses/contentCBAbb2/secCBAbb(2)15.html
In general, most Ts don't disclose these feelings, but a study of actual T disclosure found that most disclosing Ts thought it had had a positive effect on the relationship. On the other hand, most Ts consider it to be ethically questionable. It seems to be the case, though, that a percentage of Ts (possibly 5%-25% or so--although probably truly more like 5-10%) have disclosed sexual feelings to patients. Most Ts try to work these feelings through in supervision.It depends a lot on the circumstances of the disclosure and what role it plays in the therapy. It also depends a lot on the temperament and emotional vulnerability of the participants. If it can be seen, as Seldom sees it, as something beneficent in the room- that seems positive. But if there's any wish or impulse roaming around to act out the feelings, it could-- and I've seen examples of this on babble--be deeply disruptive of patient security and a sense of integrity and separateness from the therapist, as well as the ability to sustain a connection in the T;s abence (which can be a terrible struggle in the best of circumstances for some people) and often can lead to destructive results.. So I guess it's a judgment call in any instance.
It's interesting, though, that it there's probably more variation in T ideas about these disclosures than the literature presents.
Nadezda
Posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2008, at 12:46:32
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by Nadezda on October 7, 2008, at 10:05:13
Personal opinion only I have no long term therapy but when I see a therapist I'm employing them to help me. So I don't feel a sexual context should be present as it would take the focus off the clients problems and why they sought theraphy just more own opinion. And the only time it happened to me was years ago moving to a different state my pdoc shocked me hugged me and said he knew I'd wanted to have sex with him and I never ever did. I still can't forget this it left a mark on me as I'd respected him so much and in the end it ended a lot of the respect I'd had for him. But as I say this is just me but he did do theraphy and it was for a few years that i saw him. Phillipa
Posted by Sigismund on October 7, 2008, at 15:08:47
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by Nadezda on October 7, 2008, at 10:05:13
This is only likely to come up with a male T and a younger woman, you think?
As a young man with a middle aged female T it would have been unthinkable.
I can't imagine what effect it would have had, if only because she was into Winnicott, Mahler and Klein. Which is to say (only in part) that she used her breasts as a metaphor. I certainly took it then as metaphor.
I'd be very uncertain about this kind of disclosure. My initial feeling was that it shouldn't be done, but then I wondered if it might serve to make someone like me more present in the room and no longer operating in a metaphor.
You'd probably want to keep Kleinians away from sexual disclosure....it's hard to imagine, actually.
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2008, at 17:09:04
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
It's bound to affect the relationship and the therapy. Any personal investment of the therapist in the client can do that, and IMO it's never entirely beneficial. Which is not to say it can't be beneficial in some ways and the balance of beneficial/not beneficial would vary a lot. But it's important to be aware of the ways it interferes with therapy.
I don't think I could do effective therapy with someone I found sexually attractive. Even apart from the temptation to focus on the sexual tension, there are things to be discussed in therapy that are decidedly unsexy. I think it would be hard for me to be as ugly as I needed to be sometimes under that situation. (And I'm not talking physically ugly now, tho sexual attraction is certainly not anything I need to worry about anymore.) There is a huge biological imperative to do the human equivalent of the mating dance around a potential partner. Would you find it difficult to discuss, just for an example, how your anxiety causes your IBS to act up?
I suppose it also depends a lot on how much this is a pattern in your life. Do you find that you link sexual attractiveness with feeling cared for, valuable and powerful? If so, is it, or has it been, a problem in your life?
Posted by JouezMoi on October 7, 2008, at 17:19:23
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2008, at 17:09:04
Imagine being attracted to someone, and knowing they are attracted to you, yet still finding a way to be and to work through your unpleasant issues, and knowing that this someone still finds you attractive. I think this can be a very powerful healing process. Again, it would take a very skilled therapist to manage that scenario but I think it possible if there is commitment to it. Maybe I am optimistic about even the worst of situations .. I don't know.
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:15:07
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by JayMac on October 6, 2008, at 19:46:58
> I am more than happy to elaborate. I can also recommend some great books on the subject! =)
Hey JayMac,
I'd love to hear your recommendations...
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:20:19
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by seldomseen on October 6, 2008, at 20:16:03
Hi Seldom,
Yeah, your situation sounds much like mine, so I can imagine how tough it was to deal with. Mine too went so far as to say that he had "erotic desire" for me. He also told me something similar to what yours told you about letting desire just *be*. I know that in order for all this to be really beneficial, I need to talk to him about it some more, but it's hard. I mean, I've told him that I am glad that he admitted his attraction, which is true...but I'm having trouble communicating to him that I'm also confused and scared and any number of other not so positive things...
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:23:59
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by JayJ on October 6, 2008, at 21:44:30
This business about the burden being on me to detect any slips in the wrong direction is exactly what my friends have been telling me they are concerned about. I think it's a valid point. This shouldn't really be my job. Besides, I'm not sure that I completely trust myself to be honest with myself about what goes on between us. Hmm. I should really talk to him about all this stuff. I'm seeing him on Thursday, so we'll see what happens.
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:36:36
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 22:45:56
> Suede,
>
>The idea of therapy resting on a "fine line" >really just doesn't sound very reassuring to me. >Therapy should rest on a nice, broad, solid >base, not a thin line between workable and >disaster.Yeah, this is a good point. It's funny, though, because we seem to be in constant flux with each other. Sometimes, the sense that we're walking a thin line is very palpable, and other times, it's all but nonexistent. What's sort of odd is that we seem to do the best work with each other when the fact of our mutual attraction is most obvious, but I can see your worry: there is always the chance that the more sexualized the therapy space becomes, the harder it will be for me to be completely candid.
> The asymmetry of the therapeutic relationship is inescapable. If your T is attracted to you, that means a great deal because he assumes such importance in your life. If you are attracted to him, well, not sure how to say this but, attraction could feature similarly in at least some of his other therapeutic relationships. So that same mutual attraction just can't mean the same thing to both of you, which is going to be tougher for you to deal with than him. Much tougher, if you've been reading recently posted threads here on Babble.
Yeah. This does trouble me. I asked him if this sort of thing happens to him often, and he laughed and said, "You know, that's a great question, because there is no way I can answer it. If I say 'no' then I'm being seductive, but if I say 'yes' then it depersonalizes it completely, and I run the risk of hurting you. Suffice it to say that this isn't something that I'm used to feeling. It's significant for me. It's not how therapy usually works. And, to be honest, in other cases of attraction, it's never been so plainly discussed." I'm not really sure what to make of all this.
> In any case, I would STRONGLY urge you to get consultation ASAP, before things go much further. You probably would want to go by yourself to talk about the situation and your feelings to a consulting therapist. But your T should be willing, under the circumstances, to get consultation himself and let you know that he did. If he is a responsible T, he will make sure he gets some supervision of your case - it's in his best interests as well. ALL of the sources that talk about this subject warn that secrecy or unwillingness to talk about the situation to colleagues is a strong signal that something is wrong. He should not be doing anything in your therapy that he is uncomfortable to disclose to his colleagues.
I'm going to ask him on Thursday if he is getting consultation about this. I agree that he probably should be. And I agree that I probably should be, too--but, unfortunately, that doesn't seem financially feasible at the moment.
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:54:49
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction, posted by Sigismund on October 7, 2008, at 15:08:47
I don't know much about Klein, so I'm not sure what you mean about wanting to keep Kleinians away from sexual disclosure.
As to your question about the sex of the two parties involved, I tend to think that it's not really the primary determinant of attraction, but this is probably due more to my feelings about sexual attraction in general than to any theoretical considerations about the therapeutic enterprise in itself.
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:59:01
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2008, at 17:09:04
Hmm. You asked if I find that I link sexual attractiveness with feeling cared for or valuable, and if this is a problem in my life. I guess that the honest answer is that I don't know. I think that I'm severely lacking in self-awareness where sex is concerned. Well, lately, at least. This is something that we talk about quite a bit in therapy. I can see how my T's disclosure of his attraction to me could be beneficial in these circumstances, but I can also see how it could serve to kind of exacerbate the problem...I'll have to think about this some more.
Posted by DAisym on October 7, 2008, at 22:18:09
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Dinah, posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:59:01
This might seem rather random, but would you consider yourself attractive? And I'm curious if your therapist told you what he finds attractive about you - more exact terms.
My therapist has stated directly that I'm special to him and he has demonstrated that in a million ways. But I'm equally sure that he finds all his clients special. This doesn't mean I doubt the deep connection we have forged - today I asked him how I was supposed to get through all this hard stuff and he said, "hold on to me. Hold on tight and don't let go. Even in-between sessions, we are connected. Take me with you." He calls to check on me, which is one of the things that always raises eyebrows - but it works for me.
I don't know why you are in therapy. I do know that if you are working on csa issues, disclosures like this are not likely to help the therapy. You need a really safe place that isn't sexualized. However, if you are working on trusting yourself and your perceptions and awareness, knowing that what you are feeling is true seems incredibly important.
I think you must just keep asking yourself what this means to you. And answer yourself as brutally honestly as you can. Therein lies the therapy.
Posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 23:10:11
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction, posted by DAisym on October 7, 2008, at 22:18:09
Hmm...well, uncomfortable as it makes me to admit it, I do think that I'm attractive, yeah. Not in every way, certainly! But on the whole, sure.
He didn't go into great detail about what he finds attractive about me, but he did say that he finds me charming and 'present' in a way that is very appealing to him. He also acknowledged that he finds me physically attractive. Of course I'd like him to elaborate, but I'm not sure what's driving that desire. Vanity? Sheer curiosity? ...? Now that I think of it, I haven't told *him* why exactly I find him attractive, either. It seems that a conversation about these things could be pretty productive.
I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety and for help in dealing with some relationship problems. I don't have a history of csa or any other kind of sexual abuse, so the potential sexualization of the therapy space is not as threatening as it could be, though, of course, it could still be pretty damaging if not handled carefully. You're right that I need to keep asking myself what all of this means to me. It's funny how hard it is to figure that out.
Posted by seldomseen on October 8, 2008, at 4:08:17
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 7, 2008, at 18:20:19
I don't think I made any sense in therapy for about a year after his disclosure. One day I was fine with it, with him, with the whole process - the next I was big ball of mess. It IS tough to know what it means to you because it may mean so many different things all at the same time.
The weird thing was - and this was the confusing part for me, was that I deparately WANTED him to find me attractive and have desire for me. But when he came right out and said it, I was flabbergasted, more than a little appalled and was like "AHA! you ARE just like all the others!" I used to get very angry when men would check me out or sexualize me in any way and his revelation was shocking.
He even seemed to become bigger in the room and dominate the space (at least the way my memory has distorted it).
However, men become sexually attracted to women and vice versa and I think it is going to happen in the context of therapy. But I've learned that it doesn't necessarily sexualize the relationship.
But you've got to let him see what you are feeling at the moment. Even if you don't have the words, tell him that you don't have the words, but what you're feeling isn't good, but isn't all bad.
More than anything, his disclosure is not the go ahead for either of you, and if you're feeling that it is, you need to let him know that you expect him to keep his butt in that chair and that you will do the same.
My therapist and I now have a running joke about him keeping his butt in the chair. He given me the boundary lecture so often that I can recite it back to him. That's when he stopped giving it to me :)
Just to ramble on further, how can sexual attraction even exist amid all those boundaries? It's like look but don't touch! Taste, but dont eat! Well, I learned that it can and doesn't upset the apple cart that much in the long run.
Having definately been there, I'll be here while you two work it out.
Seldom.
Posted by JouezMoi on October 8, 2008, at 5:49:02
In reply to Re: Mutual attraction » Suedehead, posted by seldomseen on October 8, 2008, at 4:08:17
Very well said, Seldom. Being attracted doesn't mean becoming preoccupied with sex. I think the therapist may be saying that it is OK to feel attracted, I feel so too. The reaction to this knowledge and working through it is where the work begins, and may reveal underlying sources of conflict in relationships. After all, life is really about love and relationships.
Posted by lucie lu on October 8, 2008, at 11:32:50
In reply to Mutual attraction, posted by Suedehead on October 6, 2008, at 18:53:35
Hi Suede,
Im not trying to predict what will happen in your individual therapy or relationship with your T. (I wouldnt know what to do with a crystal ball if I had one.) And I hope you do not find my posts offensive in any way - they are not meant to be. The issues youve raised have prompted a very lively and interesting discussion, so thanks for starting the thread!
There seem to be things we all agree on. I havent heard any disagreement in this thread, or in the general literature for that matter, about the therapeutic value of mutual love between client and therapist. Who (post-Freud) would be down on the loving feelings that can be present in therapy?? They feel wonderfully gratifying to both partners and importantly, help our self-esteem, interpersonal trust and security, and relational attitudes and skills. Therapy is hard and often lonely and painful work for client and T, and mutually loving feelings are part of what keeps us going and ultimately allows us to work through our problems. There is also agreement that the clients verbal disclosure of sexual or any other feelings should not be censored or discouraged, but actively encouraged. As for the T - a good T ideally should be able to handle whatever feelings the client expresses while being capable of taking care of his/her own feelings. These things are all part of the grand design, at least in psychodynamically or analytically oriented therapy. (I think disclosure of the Ts sexual orientation is a separate issue where T disclosure is almost always made.)
Then we come to the more difficult and challenging areas, e.g. possible outcomes in therapy following mutual disclosure of sexual feelings. I agree with Daisy that for the client to have her (or his) perceptions validated by the T can be very important for her therapy (particularly for abuse survivors). But should every perception be validated? What if you pick up vibes that your T may be experiencing sexual longings, sexual frustration, or sexual fantasies during the therapy hour? Should these be discussed openly? How easy will it be subsequently for the client to discuss her own sexuality, sexual history and difficulties, knowing that the T is likely to have an emotional (and possibly erotic) response to such discussion? I suggest that there comes a point where the elephant in the room is so large and intrusive that the work can no longer be done without damaging the therapy and/or client, maybe even the T. Then the T may feel a need to pull back, which can feel like rejection to the client. These hazards (which include but are not limited to the obvious ultimate boundary violation of having sex with a client) are why Ts so often refer clients to whom they feel a strong attraction. One client ina book I read said that following such a disclosure by her T, for her, therapy essentially stopped from that point onwards. It is extremely difficult to manage effective therapy under these conditions, but it can be done (see Dalenberg's interesting survey, cited below.) Maybe it can be considered a high risk-high reward enterprise.
Perhaps as an aside whether the T discloses or not, I believe that the client has a right to feel safely boundaried and that the responsibility for that rests 100% on the T. If the boundary includes disclosure of sexual feelings by the T, it may be helpful in a minority of cases. But clients should NEVER feel they have to be the ones to patrol the client-T boundary. Such a dual role leaves the client unable to safely and fully explore the play space between client and T where the real therapy goes on.
Good books discussing these topics include those by Ken Pope and Glen Gabbard, who have each written extensively about sexual counter-transference, boundary crossings and violations. I really dont like reading their work because I feel they tend to be either overly dogmatic and censorious (Gabbard) or factual and dry (Pope). IMO the most sensitive and compassionate treatments of the subject are In Session and the Boundaries chapter in Countertransference in the Treatment of Trauma by Constance Dalenberg. Dalenberg argues very strongly for increasing T disclosure in general (I agree with her) and presents data from a survey she's undertaken in which different types of disclosure were observed to produce positive or negative results the survey results are very interesting to read! These are two of my favorite books on therapy, both great reads, well-written, up front and personal. Another good read is Jeffrey Kottlers book On Being A Therapist. I havent figured out yet how to make links from Babble to amazon.com sorry!
Take care and all the best,
Lucie
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