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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 6, 2008, at 7:22:42
In reply to Going Crazy..............., posted by rskontos on October 5, 2008, at 19:40:11
(((rskontos))): I am so sorry; you are dealing with so much. What is/was the reason your husband brought the parents into your house?
Have you told him how you feel? Did you explain that having them in your house wasn't going to work, because of your physical problems?
How about taking a day off (going somewhere else); I know that is radical but someone needs to take care of you...even if it is just YOU!
Love, Sassy
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2008, at 9:08:42
In reply to Going Crazy..............., posted by rskontos on October 5, 2008, at 19:40:11
I agree with the others. It was insensitive of your husband to bring his parents home, unless the purpose was for them to wait on you. In which case he should be open to admitting his miscalculation.
They may want you to wait on them, but someone recovering from surgery doesn't have to comply with their wishes. Can you get a doctor's note? Can you head off to bed and tell them you just don't feel well enough to face food.
Stress beyond the ability to cope is bound to bring up some of the old coping skills. The best thing to do is reduce the stress, even if that means disappointing your inlaws. (Unless disappointing them would lead to more stress with your husband than giving in would? In which case, shame on him.)
I hope you feel better soon. The body needs rest and calm to recover from surgery.
Posted by Phillipa on October 6, 2008, at 12:33:53
In reply to Re: Going Crazy..............., posted by Dinah on October 6, 2008, at 9:08:42
Not only all that but when I had surgery it messed up my thyroid and still not right and how did you learn of adreanal fatigue? You need to be resting and recooperataing. It to me is very insensitive. Not good for your health and boy do I know the fatigue from endocrine problems. Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:03:28
In reply to Re: Going Crazy............... » rskontos, posted by lemonaide on October 5, 2008, at 20:15:29
Thanks so much Lemonaide,
You know DH's are dense. I repeatedly tell him I am at the end of my rope, I am exhausted and I am relasping but he doesn't seem to get it. I dont think he understands endo issues anyway. Throw in surgery and the mental stuff and a person is almost at the end of their tolerance levels.
I will be here when you go thru it at xmas time.
At least my T and sister has let me dump on them. My T today was great!
He told me it was ok to tell them all how I feel. Even if it is not rec'd well it is their problem.
Thanks so much for listening.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:09:30
In reply to Re: Going Crazy..............., posted by JayJ on October 5, 2008, at 20:58:19
JayJ,
I do tend to do that "Strong" thing. I also "perform". I don't even know I do it mostly. It was how I coped growing up. How I survived a rough and vile childhood. I did dump on my T and he helped tremendously. He can appeal to my intelluctual side which helps me control the emotional side until he can diffuse it to the point I can handle the emotions. He gave me ways to help me through the rest of the time. And he told me to be frank with them about the hugging and kissing stuff that freaks me out. I told him it reminds of some of my mothers "boyfriends". It is just too freaky. Makes my skin crawl.
I have tried talking to my husband on numerous occasions. I have learned he is just not ever going to get it in terms of the relationship with his parents and me. It is something that is going to be a deal breaker if I let it. He can't because he is immobolized by his father and mother.
And I like the "appointments" idea. I do have a chiropractor appointment and one with the surgeon on Friday. Thank god.
I think I might go help out with one of the presidential campaigns. LOL
Thanks so much for your understanding.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:26:00
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder! » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on October 5, 2008, at 21:39:44
Yes Lucie, I did not realize fully how much this surgery would take out of me. I mean i knew some but it really took a huge chunk. And to have them too. My mother in law told my Husband to tell me should couldn't help like she used to. Who is she fooling. She has not ever really helped. Do they know I need to take it easy. No, that would assume they think of others. They don't. Just themselves. They love to point out what is wrong with you but to think about how you feel, no that is not a strong suit of theirs.
Yes I felt like before the surgery I was making progress. I was exercising lightly because with endocrine problems too much exercise is not good and too little is not good. Now I feel like I am have taken huge steps backwards.
Yes it was a huge risk I took in talking about my past with them or anyone, I usually don't. And I got the door slammed in my face. I did not even tell them the half of it. My T knows. He grimaced when I told them what they said. I should have told them about the time my mother broke a coke bottle and cut my sister's face with it, refused to take her to get stitches. Her boyfriends' parents took her. She was 17. Oh yeah, it wasn't that bad at my house. Oh yeah, how about me and my sisters going to my mother's boyfriends house and waiting outside while she did the deed while we waited outside. I was 10, my sister was 8, and my youngest sister was 5 and we waited outside alone. But yeah, it wasn't that bad. I am sorry I guess I sound bitter. Sorry.
They will be here the rest of the week. I will take naps when I need too.
Thanks so much Lucie. I really do appreciate the support.
Rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:35:12
In reply to Re: Going Crazy............... » rskontos, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 6, 2008, at 7:22:42
Thanks so much for the hugs. His reason is it was a convenient time for him and his parents and they have never been here before. And of course, they might be here much longer. They are always talking about dying soon. I mean talk about a conversation killer. What do you say when someone says, I might not be here much longer? My T said say Yeah! LOL
I laughed a great deal at that. My In laws are 85, FIL and my MIL is 76 I think. They are always saying "I probably won't be here for the next year." A real conversation killer.
So my DH just brought them because it was easy for him not me. I have thought about going somewhere. I am thinking about going to a dayspa. Getting the treatment. A massage, facial the whole works. Then lunch by myself, movie whatever. Tomorrow maybe I will do this.
Thanks sassy, your support and encouragement means so much.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:36:23
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder!, posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:26:00
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:44:21
In reply to Re: Going Crazy..............., posted by Dinah on October 6, 2008, at 9:08:42
Well Dinah, as much as I love my DH sometimes he is insensitive. HaHa about them waiting on me. Hell would freeze over first. He should admit it. But so far, nada. I have told him several times, I am going to blow like a volcano. He is amazing at his ability to just go into his shell and ignore all that is going on around him and work. He is suppose to take off this whole time but he went to the office yesterday and today and tomorrow he is off to Chicago. So much for that crap of being here the whole time.
The whole 20 years we have been married my relationship with my IL's have been tenuous. In the beginning they insisted I can them mom and dad. It made me uncomfortable. They got mad if I called them by their given names. So now 20 years later I don't call them anything. It is weird. My FIL gets mad at strange stuff. He is easily insulted. He is one of those that gets affronted. So right now I have affronted him by letting my H clean the kitchen because I am not supposed to lift or reach. My FIL said it is not man's work to clean the kitchen. I was so upset at that. I said the doctor said I am not too lift or reach. He said it is still woman's work. I said in this house we take turns. He had an angry look on his face. And since that night he has brought that up repeatedly. I said that might work in your marriage for you to make all the decisions and your wife goes along but in some marriages it would not fly.
And the kissing thing. Uggg. My T said to tell them how it makes me uncomfortable and if they get insulted that is their problem not mine.
Thanks so much for your support.
And thanks for letting me dump.
It means so much to have this venting opportunity. Otherwise I would be taking a whole bottle of xanax.
rsk
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 6, 2008, at 15:45:41
In reply to Re: Going Crazy............... » sassyfrancesca, posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:35:12
>(((rsk))): There's that great sense of humor! I'd be drooling in a corner without one! LOL
Thanks so much for the hugs. His reason is it was a convenient time for him and his parents and they have never been here before.
Aha.....and they might never be back again, LOL< LOL!! And of course, they might be here much longer.
We can say that about ANYone, LOL...
They are always talking about dying soon. I mean talk about a conversation killer. What do you say when someone says, I might not be here much longer?
I'd say....well, we all gotta go sumtime! (Like what your t said!!)
That's called emotional blackmail by the way.
My T said say Yeah! LOL
>
> I laughed a great deal at that. My In laws are 85, FIL and my MIL is 76 I think. They are always saying "I probably won't be here for the next year."I'd say, well I may not be here either; nevah know, do ya!!??
A real conversation killer.
>
> So my DH just brought them because it was easy for him not me. I have thought about going somewhere. I am thinking about going to a dayspa. Getting the treatment. A massage, facial the whole works. Then lunch by myself, movie whatever. Tomorrow maybe I will do this.PLEASE DO IT.....life is short (you might not be here tomorrow)....LOL, LOL.....No really, sweetie; treat yourself well you deserve and NEED it.
>
> Thanks sassy, your support and encouragement means so much.You are welcome, sweetie! Now go and have lunch and the whole works and report back to me!!
I was a sargeant in the army (no one listened to me; heck I was only 19.)
Hugs n love,
Rossal
> rsk
>
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:52:57
In reply to Re: Going Crazy..............., posted by Phillipa on October 6, 2008, at 12:33:53
Phillipa, I read all about how surgery can exacerbate endocrine problems. So I tried to do all I could to prevent it but I did not know my DH would bring his parents home.
I learned of my adrenal fatigue along with my thyroid issues through testing. The saliva test along with neurotransmitters urine tests showed what was out of whack. My adrenal glands are not producing the right levels of cortisol, too much of DHEA. My histamine levels are high, I can't remember what all are out. Some are too low some are too high. The bottom line the doc said was adrenal fatigue. I have been reading a book called, Adrenal Fatigue, The 21st Century Stess Syndrome by James L Wilson, N.D., D.C., PHD. It is the best book. He gives a sure fire test to do at home, and things to do to get better. It is a great book.
Thanks for your support too!
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 17:26:50
In reply to Going Crazy..............., posted by rskontos on October 5, 2008, at 19:40:11
My IN-laws are greek, and speak that language better than english. And when they are here my h and in-laws only speak greek. I can't help it but i feel that they are speaking about me. I get tired of asking my DH to translate. He won't on his own. I can leave the room and then he will call me back to tell me. It gets only nerves after a while. After 96 hours it is more than only nerves!
I know it probably sounds like I am being paranoid but i don't know what they are saying. I only know words so the conversation gets going too fast for me to follow. Greek has more words to the equalivent english word so I get lost and stop trying to follow.
Ok i will stop complaining now and go rest.
thanks for listening.
rsk
Posted by lemonaide on October 6, 2008, at 17:52:49
In reply to Re: one more thing...may be petty but...., posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 17:26:50
Okay, now they are just being rude if they are doing it in front of someone who doesn't understand, especially if they do know English. Shame on your husband too. Grrrrrrrrrrr
Are they the type of parents who wanted their son to marry a Greek girl? I suppose you could learn some of the language to help, but they are being rude right now, and it sounds like your husband doesn't know how to stand up for you, like saying you are recovering from surgury and an illness, and that you feel bad that they leave you out in conversations. Or do they expect you to be "respectful" and subservient ?When do they leave? Lets have a party for you! I hope your doggie bites them in their big gyro butt!
Posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 19:13:18
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder!, posted by rskontos on October 6, 2008, at 15:26:00
Hi rsk,Since it sounds like they are all so insensitive, is there any way that you would feel comfortable asserting your needs over theirs? What do you think would happen if you order dinner from a take-out, tell them that you don't want them to go hungry but that you don't feel well, and then go to bed, close the door, and read a novel or something? I really understand that these things can be harder to do than they sound. It's just that all they really sound like they need to be smacked across the head with a 2-by-4 to catch their attention. Grrr.
Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 19:21:24
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder! » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 19:13:18
They are always talking about dying soon. I mean talk about a conversation killer. What do you say when someone says, I might not be here much longer?
How about smiling sweetly and saying, "One can only hope" :)
Posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 19:25:00
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder! p.s., posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 19:21:24
Sorry! I didn't mean that in terms of their actually dying - I meant in response to them leaving soon.L.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on October 7, 2008, at 2:31:32
In reply to Going Crazy..............., posted by rskontos on October 5, 2008, at 19:40:11
I'm so sorry I missed this - ((((Rskontos)))) - this sounds like an awful situation to be in, even outside the fact you are recovering from surgery and feeling so exhausted.
I don't think there is much more I can add after all these good responses - just to emphasise that you need to be careful with yourself - so does your dh - please let him and them know you cannot be doing this now and give yourself some rest. What they are doing to you is unacceptable and frankly rude. As for the invalidating experience you had with them when you shared about your childhood - that just goes to show how ignorant and selfish they are.
Please unload all this with your T - I hope he has a good response and some good coping strategies for this. It sounds at least like things are going well with therapy - what did your T do for you?
(((((Rsk))))))) I'm thinking of you.
Witti
Posted by Wittgensteinz on October 7, 2008, at 3:06:15
In reply to Hugs » rskontos, posted by Wittgensteinz on October 7, 2008, at 2:31:32
Ok... sorry now I realise you already had your session with T - I liked what you shared of his responses - especially his humour - sometimes a bit of humorous cynicism goes a long way.
As for your FIL - what a sexist pig grrrr!!! I think they are a lost cause - the effort you make now, is it really making a difference in the way they will behave toward you/perceive you? They clearly don't see the need to make an effort i.e. not even bothering to speak English in front of you.
I hope you do pluck up the courage to take a day (more like a mid-week break) at a health resort - or anything in fact to get you out of that toxic situation.
Do you know when they will be leaving? Out of curiosity, what happens normally with them - does your MIL cook for themselves or do they live in an elderly home/get home care?
Perhaps you could try to get them to leave a little earlier? Every now and again we get this very annoying unexpected guest. He usually arrives around 10pm at night (he's a long lost old "friend" of my partner). Sometimes he phones (while he's standing in front of our house) and if we don't pick up he comes round the back of the house to check if anyone is in... grrr... we have a technique in place to make the visits as short as possible...
One of us disappears upstairs and turns the heating down, the other turns all the lights up on full so the house is uncomfortably cold and bright.
Perhaps you could do something similar... serve food you know they won't like or that is very bad for their heart/cholestral... if they complain, simply deny it "it's not cold - it must be your old age... it's swelteringly hot in here"...
Or perhaps you MIL has a fear of spiders or rats? Now would be the perfect time to purchase that pet tarantula you've always dreamed of having?
Turn the hot water off while they are taking a shower and wait for the screams?? Offer to do their washing and *accidentally* wash your FIL's white shirts with something bright red. If you have family pets, let one of them have an *accident* in one of their shoes.
Ok, but seriously, please put your health first - don't be bullied into doing things that you are not happy with. Your DH and your parents in law are being utterly unreasonable and I'm very sorry for that :(
Witti
Posted by antigua3 on October 7, 2008, at 7:32:50
In reply to Going Crazy..............., posted by rskontos on October 5, 2008, at 19:40:11
Boy, this must be tough. You HAVE to take care of yourself. When I had surgery earlier this year and my mother and husband came to help (yea, right), I overdid it taking care of them. The tension w/my DH was the worst. In any case, I ended up back in the hospital because I didn't take it slow enough. So, please put your own needs first; you just have to.
We could start Greek lessons here, but maybe you really don't want to know what they're saying! It just might make you more frustrated.
Camp Comfort will be open soon for the fall/winter session...
antigua
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2008, at 14:56:38
In reply to Re: one more thing...may be petty but.... » rskontos, posted by lemonaide on October 6, 2008, at 17:52:49
Yes, they wanted him to marry a Greek girl. And yes shame on him. But being the typical greek man, he is clueless. Even though he was born here he is sometimes just a typical greek man.
But heh, thanks for the laugh. big gyro butt LOLOLOLOLOLOL. LMAO!!!
thanks
rsk
I have taken to my bedroom today and stayed in bed. My neck hurts too much to drive.
They are a pain in the neck!!!lol
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2008, at 15:00:20
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder! » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 19:13:18
Lucielu,
You would think after 20 yrs I would have grown a backbone but alas my childhood dissociative ways come back and I am like a deer in front of a car.I am trying to fight back some. Last night on top of everything my knee pop out twice. Oh the pain of that. My neck is out too from the surgery my chiropractor says. And today it is so bad I can hardly move my head. So I stayed in bed, icing it, moist heat, and just resting. I am exhausted. You combine the surgery with the tension I feel over just wanting my home back. Well it is enough.
Hey you got a 2-by-4 by chance?
Heheh, you did make me laugh though thanks for that.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2008, at 15:01:45
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder! p.s., posted by lucie lu on October 6, 2008, at 19:21:24
I really like this one....
hehehheheheh, one can only hope:)
rsk
and I know you meant going home but do I.
slap on the hand to self, of course I do.
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2008, at 15:09:21
In reply to Re: Hugs, posted by Wittgensteinz on October 7, 2008, at 3:06:15
Yes, rude, self-centered is the term I use. for both. My DH is that too.
My T was great. He helped me feel better. He told me to study them as a class in sociology. He said think of it as a experiment in how the old country created this class system. You are getting a up close and personal look. But on the same hand you deserve to be happy and not to be put in a position of adapting in a way you are uncomfortable. I really appreciated how he took all I said, and his guidance. I got the impression he would have loved to get a chance to talk to them for me.
Yes they are lost cause. Today I just stayed in my room in bed because I am physically a wreck. Tomorrow I see the chiropractor and maybe go to the movies or something.
No they live alone on their own and MIL does the cooking for her and my DH's neice. SHe even takes care of her granddaughter's two little girls.
No chance on leaving earlier. They have plane tickets for Friday.
But I love how you two get rid of your unwanted guest. That made me laugh.
And then all the suggestions on how to make them, my Inlaws uncomfortable. that was great.
I am trying to rest today. I just can't do anything else. I feel so bad.
Thanks so much for the hugs and the laughs. I needed them both.
It is good to hear from you Witti.
take care,
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2008, at 15:15:56
In reply to Re: Going Crazy............... » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on October 7, 2008, at 7:32:50
Antigua,
I hear you. Yes it is tough. I did not realize how tough surgery would be and to have them, well it is about to put me over the edge. My neck is so bad I can hardly move it and I know it is partly due to the surgery but also due to tension. I am sorry you ended back in the hospital. i almost told my DH to take me the other night that is how bad I felt. It was only sheer will that got me through it.
I stayed in bed today. My neck hurts so bad I am sick at my stomach. tomorrow I see the chiro for it. Thank god.
Yah, I might not want to know what they are saying. Oh are you greek. Do you speak the language. I did not mean any disrespect. It would feel the same no matter the language. It is hard whenever you don't know what is being said. Actually the Greek relatives in Greece are better about translating than my in laws are. Especially my H's one first cousin. Dimitri. He always thought of me and translated. I love the family in Greece. We went last summer and they were so nice. They were rusty with their English but that was ok. We made out just fine.
I will be in Camp Comfort. I have a feeling my recovery will be long.
thanks for your support...it means alot:)
rsk
Posted by lucie lu on October 7, 2008, at 15:49:05
In reply to Re: Going Crazy....and no wonder! p.s. » lucie lu, posted by rskontos on October 7, 2008, at 15:01:45
This is the end of the thread.
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