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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 1:28:47
Why do some people act so friendly and then stab you in the back, saying nasty things to you when you haven't done anything wrong, but they perceive it that you have? I think because you don't fall for the fakeness and that feels threatening to them because you see them for who they really are. or maybe it is jealosy, I really don't know.
My mom was fake and I learned to see through people's fakeness very well because of her. I know when someone is fake especially when they act so nice and all, but I see the claws that most don't.
One thing I have learned is my instincts are usually right. Most people are actually okay, which I am relieved. But once in a while I meet someone who remind me of my mother and her friendly mask she wears. What is so scarcy is that these people are such good manipulators and a lot of people don't see them for who they really are.It made me sick as a child to hear how great my mom was, she worked with the learning disabled, was a EMT, saved people's lives. But most don't know her dark side. My T say is is part of the "con" they do. It is how they get their way with charm, but at the same time they are using people.
Thankfully this is a rare event, although recent, it just boggles my mind how they can con people and people think they are so wonderful.I think we need to listen to our instincts more, for someone who has a past like mine, we need to do it for own protection. I am taking more time now with people before I get too envolved with them personally. I had to learn this the hard way. What really scares me is when I find out they are a parent. The poor kid.
Posted by sunnydays on October 25, 2007, at 8:20:40
In reply to Fake people irritate me, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 1:28:47
Yeah, I second that. I think people who have survived trauma are especially in tune with people and can see right through a mask. It can be a blessing and a curse, because sometimes we can see hurtful interactions and not be able to do anything about it. But it makes us extra sensitive and empathic I think.
sunnydays
Posted by B2chica on October 25, 2007, at 8:32:58
In reply to Fake people irritate me, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 1:28:47
-Hi HF. ahhh, the fine art of faux emotions.
yes, i too am an expert of living with an emotional demon.
and that is one good trait i do have because of something bad.i can usually see the fake seething through their pours.
and wow do i remember that feeling of being pounded into the ground EVERYTIME i heard someone say how lucky i was to have a 'mother' like mine. that she was just SOOOO wonderful ....blah freaking blah..
***********
but it IS scary because sometimes i do exactly as you say in that when i see a 'faker", but its a bad kinda fake, and i learn they have kids...its scary. there was one person i met last year that it just bothered me to no end. though she didn't have kids (thank goodness) but she worked in a retirement home....THAT SCARED ME. all i could think of what some of those people and how she may be treating them behind closed doors. but once again i felt helpless, i had no proof that she was in ANY way abusing them, or mean to them, not grounds to even have her checked out....it was just an instinct thing.
OF which has yet to fail me.somedays i am terrified at how helpless i am in this world.
:(
Posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 9:50:47
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me, posted by B2chica on October 25, 2007, at 8:32:58
I am glad I am not the only one to see this. But in a way I feel bad that you all have had to learn these instincts the hard way.
My T says the people who you see who look the most put together, who walk tall, talk the talk, are usually the most f*ck*d up. (sorry about that word, he does use it a lot)lol I guess he would know after working in the field for over 40 years.
Posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:30:36
In reply to Fake people irritate me, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 1:28:47
Hi HF.. hope you are holding up ok.
i rely on my gut feelings now. They rarely steer me wrong.. IRL anyway. i learned to read nonverbal cues like a pro, even when i don't realize i am doing it... so that gut feeling often is based on that. It helps.
can i ask you something though? i'm very sensitive lately... too sensitive... and one thing i have always worried about was people thinking i am insincere or a fake. In fact, i am a fake in so many ways. i am too terrified to show the real me to hardly anyone IRL, and i'm even timid about it online. So.. i have to ask you if you think i am fake with you or others... i don't *think* you're talking about me... but i can't help it anyway. One step i have taken is to just ask.
Posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 10:46:43
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me » happyflower, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:30:36
ohh Dory!
I course I am NOT talking about you. I am talking about people who hide their evilness with the mask of being such a wonderful person, saves lives, etc. I am talking about extremes, people who use the mask to manipulate others, stuff like that. I was talking about someone who I meant in real life.
Okay, I hope you feel better Dory. I haven't been in chat so I have no idea what is going on. I hope you will be okay. ((((dory)))
Posted by arora on October 25, 2007, at 12:01:07
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me » happyflower, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:30:36
Dory, I worry too about this... that I got so used to presenting this "yes we are a nice happy normal family" mask to the world, that I sometimes think it's very difficult to know who I really am, Even to myself.
arora
Posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 18:29:11
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me » Dory, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 10:46:43
Thanks HF. i knew you weren't.. but i had to ask. My T says it all the time, i *know* something but i *feel* something else. It's my issue sweetie, not yours, i just had to ask so i wouldn't be able to dwell on it.
AR.. yeah.. it wasn't my family entirely, although i see more of that since i've grown up... it's my own sad construction.. that's another story someday. It sucks though doesn't it? Always feeling like you are starring in some awful play about your life.
Posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 18:30:34
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me » Dory, posted by arora on October 25, 2007, at 12:01:07
Posted by rskontos on October 25, 2007, at 19:05:21
In reply to Fake people irritate me, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 1:28:47
HappyFlower, I thought I was the only one that lived in fakeville. I felt like I didn't fit in because so many fake people were around me but then I thought well maybe it is me because I don't trust people. And I think well you are really messed up and probably they don't come from such a messed up family so probably you are the fake, and then I don't know anymore. You know how you can mess with your own mind over time.
I know my instincts are right usually but sometimes I talk myself into circles because in the past I have trusted some losers you know. It was my dad who was and still is the great guy. I tell people you don't know you didn't live with him. If he was or is a great guy he sure did hide it well at home. I can tell those manupulators. There have been several that my husband worked with I warned him about he didn't listen to me until it was too late. I am learning in my old age to trust myself some, more and more.
I too am taking my time in getting to know people because underneath it all if you can't trust your parents and most of us couldn't then how do you trust anyone else the rest of your life?
rk
Posted by Phillipa on October 25, 2007, at 20:33:54
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me, posted by rskontos on October 25, 2007, at 19:05:21
Although only verbally abused no biggie to me I like to stick to myself. Phillipa
Posted by RealMe on October 25, 2007, at 22:16:25
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me, posted by rskontos on October 25, 2007, at 19:05:21
This is part of the problem for people who have been abused. We think we can spot "the abusers," but this is typically only true if they resemble in some way the people who abused us, either by sex or personality style, or looks, etc. The problem is that as much as we have trouble trusting, and I most certainly do, we still end up getting fooled by people who appear to be in sheeps skin but are actually ( I am not going to say wolves as I am a wolf person, so) fake and not who they seem to be. They can seem nice and friendly and caring, but they are can turn on you in a flash and be evil and nasty. I know several people like this who I thought were friends, and they turned out to stab me in the back. I have learned that I choose female friends who are like this even though none of my friends from early years were like this. I am still trying to figure that one out.
RealMe
Posted by rskontos on October 26, 2007, at 9:15:01
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me » rskontos, posted by RealMe on October 25, 2007, at 22:16:25
Amen RealMe. Sometimes my radar was good and sometimes it was bad. The problem was when it was bad it was really really bad :( rk
Posted by RealMe on October 27, 2007, at 0:57:45
In reply to Re: Fake people irritate me, posted by rskontos on October 26, 2007, at 9:15:01
For me too, sometimes my radar was/is good, and sometimes he has been really bad but much better now. It's funny how that is, how you can be sucked in and then really hurt. One would think that someone who has been the victim of all sorts of abuse would be able to spot a faker right off the bat. Some are really good, however, at convincing they are your friend, but this does not always end up being the case.
RealMe
Posted by Dinah on October 28, 2007, at 11:40:04
In reply to Fake people irritate me, posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 1:28:47
Putting up a front isn't that bad a thing to do. We all do it for one reason or another. We don't always want to show the world what we're thinking or feeling.
It's when the front masks acts of unkindness or cruelty that I mind it.
But I also mind acts of unkindness and cruelty that aren't masked.
If something really comes out of the blue, though, and is in no way expected or in character, might it be worthwhile to look deeper and see if anything else is going on? I don't condone anyone acting out unkindly of course, but sometimes there is something going on that causes it. If it's a pattern of behavior that's different. And sometimes it takes a while to see the difference.
I tend to invest myself slowly, I think, and expect to be hurt for a long time. So I can't say that I often get fooled by others in a way that really hurts, because it takes so long for me to let down my guard with them.
Of course, I probably also miss a lot of good stuff with my habitual cautiousness.
Posted by RealMe on October 28, 2007, at 13:45:17
In reply to It's unkindness that bothers me, posted by Dinah on October 28, 2007, at 11:40:04
I agree that unkindness masked or not is hurtful. I can't always spot it no matter how caustious I am, and when it hits me in the face out of left field or when I find someone is saying negative things about me behind my back, I get really pissed. I don't want to be too cautious as like you said, you could miss out on something good.
What does it mean when someone acts that way? I guess it is different things for different people. Sometimes it is just plain meanness. Sometimes it is insecurities. Sometimes it is to get people to take sides. Sometimes it is jealousy. I could go on. Point for me is that if someone stabs me in the back, I really don't care about their issues. I just want them to keep their distance from me.
RealMe
Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2007, at 18:39:23
In reply to Re: It's unkindness that bothers me » Dinah, posted by RealMe on October 28, 2007, at 13:45:17
Well, I think I was thinking more about before you decide that the person is deliberately trying to undermine you on a repeated basis. Once you know they are, then it's perfectly reasonable not to care why.
I'm not sure I ever had anyone stab me in the back. Maybe because my back is usually to the wall. :) I've had people hurt me. I've found out that people I thought I was on good terms with really didn't like me much. I've heard that people have said things when I wasn't around that they wouldn't say to my face. Or at least not say as directly. But I consider that part of the human condition. We *do* hurt each other, whether we intend to or not. We *do* say angry things or hurtful things about people who aren't there. I don't think most people hurt others on purpose. It's more that they're angry or thoughtless. I don't consider it a betrayal really.
But then, I don't work in a particularly competitive environment, and what socializing I do doesn't involve networking or anything. So I just may not be in the way of it.
This is the end of the thread.
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