![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 8 to 32 of 32. Go back in thread:
Posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 13:08:07
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting, posted by raisinb on May 2, 2007, at 12:27:41
>Also, you should've seen my arms and my stomach.
why? what were they like?
oh, you mean you were hard as a rock?
Posted by Rigby on May 2, 2007, at 13:23:46
In reply to I've taken to taunting, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 8:38:23
Wow. I came back to see what was up on these boards and saw this.
This sounds like it is *still* unresolved transference. You’re angry at how your therapy went for a variety of reasons. But chances are the deepest anger involves the fact that this woman did not become involved with you outside of therapy. Isn’t that why you chose your screen name to begin with?
Maybe seeing her in a more realistic light will blow the transference away but the process sounds unhealthy and mean spirited and I don’t think, at the end of the day, will make you feel good about your self and your life. Given the fact that you are doing it all anonymously must mean it's something you're not real proud of.
As others have mentioned, discuss, hash out, focus on your anger and your feelings with your existing therapist—figure out what it’s really about and maybe then it can eventually resolve. Otherwise this and any dynamic like it, will haunt you for a long time to come.
Best,
Rigby
> I'm not sure why I'm doing this but I've been commenting on my ex-T's blog (even though the first time my computer thwarted me and I took that as a sign).
>
> She keeps deleting my comments so I called her out for that since one of her schticks is that everyone should feel free to express his or her own perspective. She deleted that one, too, but then she emailed me (still supposedly not knowing whom she's writing to).
>
> I emailed her back and she emailed me and then I emailed her again. Then I posted another provocative comment on her blog.
>
> I guess I feel like if she's going to do something so irresponsible and self-indulgent as have a blog, then well, I'm going to make her sorry she has one.
>
> I know this probably doesn't all sound like it's good for me, but for some reason I'm getting a kick out of it. The sadist in me is really happy right now. Revenge is sweet.
>
> Am I totally f*cked up?
> I'm not sure why I'm doing this but I've been commenting on my ex-T's blog (even though the first time my computer thwarted me and I took that as a sign).
>
> She keeps deleting my comments so I called her out for that since one of her schticks is that everyone should feel free to express his or her own perspective. She deleted that one, too, but then she emailed me (still supposedly not knowing whom she's writing to).
>
> I emailed her back and she emailed me and then I emailed her again. Then I posted another provocative comment on her blog.
>
> I guess I feel like if she's going to do something so irresponsible and self-indulgent as have a blog, then well, I'm going to make her sorry she has one.
>
> I know this probably doesn't all sound like it's good for me, but for some reason I'm getting a kick out of it. The sadist in me is really happy right now. Revenge is sweet.
>
> Am I totally f*cked up?
Posted by raisinb on May 2, 2007, at 13:29:48
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » raisinb, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 13:08:07
yeah. I was super buff.
Posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 13:32:22
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting, posted by Rigby on May 2, 2007, at 13:23:46
> This sounds like it is *still* unresolved transference. You’re angry at how your therapy went for a variety of reasons. But chances are the deepest anger involves the fact that this woman did not become involved with you outside of therapy. Isn’t that why you chose your screen name to begin with?Oh, no. I have no regrets about not becoming involved with this woman outside of therapy. Seeing her blog has made that really clear for me. She's really kind of a loser. I'm angry at her for using me and taking my money and wasting so many years of my life with her gaslighting and other b.s. And I'm mad at her for thinking that she's perfectly justified in all of her behaviors.
> Maybe seeing her in a more realistic light will blow the transference away but the process sounds unhealthy and mean spirited and I don’t think, at the end of the day, will make you feel good about your self and your life. Given the fact that you are doing it all anonymously must mean it's something you're not real proud of.The transference is blown away--you are right. I see her in all her miserable glory. There is no room left to idealize. I'm not sure why you guys think it's such an unhealthy process when it's been almost the most healing thing I've done, it seems to me. Although what you say about it not making me proud of myself is the same as what I said.
And the reason I'm doing it anonymously is not so much out of shame as it is out of a desire not to *really* get involved. I really have NOTHING in this to be ashamed of. She has everything to be ashamed of. Don't you remember what she's like?
> As others have mentioned, discuss, hash out, focus on your anger and your feelings with your existing therapist—figure out what it’s really about and maybe then it can eventually resolve. Otherwise this and any dynamic like it, will haunt you for a long time to come.
The whole thing has already haunted me for way to long. That's why this is coming up. I've been hashing this out for FIVE YEARS now. It's done me no good. So, I'm trying something different.
Look, I didn't intend to get defensive about this but it's important to keep all sides of this in sight.
Posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 13:38:44
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting, posted by Rigby on May 2, 2007, at 13:23:46
> figure out what it’s really about
Also, this is really just about what she did to me. There's no mystery to solve here. I'm angry because she abused her position as my therapist and I got extremely hurt as a result. It's quite simple.
Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2007, at 13:39:02
In reply to I've taken to taunting, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 8:38:23
My concern is that doing this is being connected to her, and being connected to her doesn't seem to be in your best interests.
You've got a relationship going with her right now. Not a great relationship, but a relationship. Is that what you want? It seems like you spent a lot of time getting *out* of relationship with her.
Very tempting, yes, and very understandable. You want her to understand so she won't hurt others. You probably want her to acknowledge how much she hurt you.
I hate to say this, crushed ((((crushed)))), but I don't think it's going to work. She's not going to see how much she hurt you. She's armored in defenses and denial. Only censure from someone above her is going to get through to her at all, and maybe not even that.
I think the message you're trying to send is probably not the message she's receiving. And I'm afraid you'll get hurt. Even more hurt.
((((crushed))))
Can you talk to your current therapist about this?
I think I'd have a very hard time not starting a dialogue with my therapist under these circumstances. I am very glad my therapist understands the responsibilities involved with a therapist being involved with the internet.
Don't you think maybe she should be reported over her injudicious behavior? That would be a less intimate way to make your point.
Posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 13:47:30
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » crushedout, posted by Dinah on May 2, 2007, at 13:39:02
Thank you Dinah. You are totally right about the being connected to her part. And I appreciate your concern for my well-being.(I liked the suggestion someone made earlier that maybe I should put a time limit on it on my interacting with her.)
Thank you for understanding my impulse to get involved having found the blog. It feels validating to know that many people would be tempted to do something similar to what I've done.
I have talked to my T about it and will continue to do so. She doesn't tell me not to do it--just tries to help me figure out what it's doing for me psychologically. My current T, btw, is really wonderful in so many ways, but the biggest way that she's wonderful is her boundaries. I feel very safe with her and can almost tell her anything at this point. Even though I have some transference issues with her, they are nowhere near as intense and I am able to cope with them pretty well. They are not debilitating. (Sorry that was an aside.)
I also like your suggestion (someone else made it) that maybe I report her for the blog. But I'm not sure that anything will happen because of it. My understanding from previous conversations on this board is that it's very hard to get a practitioner in trouble unless they've crossed some REALLY serious boundaries (i.e., had sex with a patient).
> My concern is that doing this is being connected to her, and being connected to her doesn't seem to be in your best interests.
>
> You've got a relationship going with her right now. Not a great relationship, but a relationship. Is that what you want? It seems like you spent a lot of time getting *out* of relationship with her.
>
> Very tempting, yes, and very understandable. You want her to understand so she won't hurt others. You probably want her to acknowledge how much she hurt you.
>
> I hate to say this, crushed ((((crushed)))), but I don't think it's going to work. She's not going to see how much she hurt you. She's armored in defenses and denial. Only censure from someone above her is going to get through to her at all, and maybe not even that.
>
> I think the message you're trying to send is probably not the message she's receiving. And I'm afraid you'll get hurt. Even more hurt.
>
> ((((crushed))))
>
> Can you talk to your current therapist about this?
>
> I think I'd have a very hard time not starting a dialogue with my therapist under these circumstances. I am very glad my therapist understands the responsibilities involved with a therapist being involved with the internet.
>
> Don't you think maybe she should be reported over her injudicious behavior? That would be a less intimate way to make your point.
Posted by Rigby on May 2, 2007, at 17:13:25
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » Rigby, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 13:38:44
I don't know then. You've tried getting away from her. You've tried another therapist. Maybe this is the best course of action for a short period but I think Dinah's right--this woman will not validate you.
Another totally different approach on it would be to forgive her. To see her as messed up, human, good traits, some really bad ones, and just forgive her. Maybe that's how to resolve it and finally say goodbye. People forgive a lot of horrible, horrible stuff and it seems to release all the bad energy tied up. It's very hard to do but for me personally it was a lesson I had to eventually learn and it did help.
Posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 19:34:13
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » gazo, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 12:11:11
Yes, oh yes. Yessir. Having your words land with her is so important, isn't it?
Crushed, when I first read this thread, my reaction was, "Oh, yeah! Bug the hell out of her. Go Crushed!" I *do* remember what she was like, and I don't blame you at all for being very angry with her still. And, I think she's being very irresponsible by having a personal blog, and so deserves whatever harrassment she gets from you or anyone else.
And then . . . I can see the points that everyone else is making. They are probably right. She's not going to get it. You aren't going to be validated by this. This is not the proverbial high road, and you'll probably regret it.
But to be completely honest, I'm rooting for continued taunting. Not that I think it's best for you. It's just what I'd do myself. I can completely see how it would be satisfying to you at this point after everything you went through with her. I'm mad at her too for being so clueless and putting you through all of that, and then starting a stinking blog on top of it.
Here's my full disclosure: This hits a tranferential hot button for me. I've been struggling for the last three years with an unresolved tranferential relationship and/or realistic anger and/or narcissistic injury (or however you want to frame it) from my ex-T moving away. Recently I've asked him for a few sessions to work through some of it, and it's been really helpful. I finally told him how angry and unheard I was, and how much it seemed that he'd dropped the ball during our termination. On Friday we're scheduled to talk about Our Relationship. I've found going back to that and expressing the anger sooooooo helpful. This time it's landing, and I'm getting what I needed 3 years ago, but couldn't understand or ask for.
Now, that said, you are in a completely different situation. My ex-T is a good and ethical therapist with solid boundaries and a coherent theoretical orientation. So, it makes sense to talk to him again, whereas I don't think it makes so much sense for you to talk to your ex-T. So, like you said, what are you to do? I *know* that talking it through with your current T and writing letters you don't send just isn't the same. I tried all of that too, and three years later, that anger was still popping up in inappropriate places and generally dogging me.
OK, here's what my ex-T says about that kind of anger: When it comes up, get curious about it. Feel it. Let it wash over you. Don't rush to react to it (not that you won't eventually, just not right away). Sit there with it, and let it overwhelm you. Feel where it starts and ends in your body. Feel what impulses it gives you. After a few moments, it'll change a bit, and become less intense.
Here's an attempt to transcribe how one early episode of trying that went for me: "I'm so ANGRY! It's a huge red hot wave crashing over me. It starts in my chest, and makes me want to push everyone and everything AWAY. I want to push out. Get it OUT of me. I want to stomp my feet and yell as loud as I can. Yell OUT the hurt. I'm so frustrated I can't stand it! I want to pull my arms in and protect myself. There is such a hole left in me of HURT. I want to howl. No NO NO! It is not ok to do that to me. You did that TO ME. I thought you cared about me! Why why why why? What am I to you that you can toss me away and hurt me like that?"
. . . and so on. When I looked at it like this, I thought it was interesting how it turned from a hot pushing out type of pain, to a howling hurt type of pain, and then a questioning of my sense of self. And, I have to tell you that letting myself feel it like that was kind of satisfying in its own way.
The idea is that it'll still come up again, but if you can give yourself room to let it in and feel it like that, give it attention, that it'll get less intense each time.
I'm just starting to work with it like this. I put it off for years first, because it seemed to scary. But my experience was that when I tried it, after getting good support in place first, it was not as scary as I thought it would be. Your mileage may vary. It just makes sense as an approach to me, and you seem to not have a lot of other options for dealing with your anger at this point. So I thought I'd pass it on for what it's worth.
Let us know what happens next. And, I'm dying to see her blog for myself. But if you don't want to share it, that is totally understandable.
peg
Posted by canadagirl on May 2, 2007, at 20:55:07
In reply to I've taken to taunting, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 8:38:23
I haven't read all of this yet but I know one thing and that is, the internet is very traceable so just be careful. Even if you don't care if you are found out, it could have emotional repercussions for you that you don't realize yet. Maybe print off the blog pages and your responses, if you wanted to do something, and maybe keep them for awhile. That way if she changes anything, you have the "original". That way you have control of something right? Without actually sending anything else. Just a suggestion. Take care of yourself.
Posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 20:56:16
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting (long, rambling) » crushedout, posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 19:34:13
Pegasus,
thank you for your amazing post. you made me feel validated. *and* you also gave me the best explanation i have ever come close to hearing about *how exactly* one is supposed to "feel one's feelings." i've NEVER understood that. i just loved your description.
AND you gave me hope. :)
i have more to say but i'll stop there for now. i sent you a babblemail.
crushed
Posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 21:05:15
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » crushedout, posted by canadagirl on May 2, 2007, at 20:55:07
Hi canadagirl. I'm racking my brain and I can't come up with even a far-fetched idea about something I could have to worry about in terms of traceability.
You might have misunderstood. I haven't threatened her in any way. I've just been expressing opinions.
What kind of repercussions could there be (I mean, aside from the ones we've been discussing)?
> I haven't read all of this yet but I know one thing and that is, the internet is very traceable so just be careful. Even if you don't care if you are found out, it could have emotional repercussions for you that you don't realize yet. Maybe print off the blog pages and your responses, if you wanted to do something, and maybe keep them for awhile. That way if she changes anything, you have the "original". That way you have control of something right? Without actually sending anything else. Just a suggestion. Take care of yourself.
Posted by annierose on May 2, 2007, at 21:12:28
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting (long, rambling) » crushedout, posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 19:34:13
i like your post and reading about how you felt when you are angry. i must try that sometime - the just feeling angry without reacting - i do the not reacting but it digs a hole in my heart and burrows deep inside. your approach was different. it was noticing the anger, not pushing it away or onto someone else.
Posted by canadagirl on May 3, 2007, at 7:14:45
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » canadagirl, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 21:05:15
Hi there Crushedout, not sure how her blog is set up but everytime you go to a website your IP address can get registered as a "hit" to that website, depending on what ISP you are using. If she has any sort of web monitoring software on her page (as I do on my home business website) she can trace the IP address to a particular city, or whatever. It can even tell her (depending on the software) the search term you used to get to her page. For example, if you searched by her name, or whatever. I can see the search terms people use to get to my website. As well as tell which IP address is looking at which pages on my site and how many times they look each day. And all the IP addresses. If I see one IP address a lot, I try to find out where it's coming from to see what business I can do in that area. I don't know how her blog is set up and she might not be that sophisicated.
I'm in a small town with a unique name ,so for example if I was going on my T's website all the time he would probably figure out it's me. And I'm so paranoid anyway. LOL.
Take care.
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 9:39:19
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » crushedout, posted by canadagirl on May 3, 2007, at 7:14:45
Hi canadagirl,
Thank you for the tutorial because I don't know *that* much about how these things work and it's good to know.
I already know that if she was the least bit computer-savvy and had half a brain that she could figure out where I work (the first email she sent me had my IP address in it and it had the initial of the organization afterwards followed by "org"; if she was to type those initials into her internet browser, it would go straight to my organization's webpage. Then, all she would have to do is remember that I worked there and put two and two together).
HOWEVER, I've already decided that in a way, I *hope* she does that. (I doubt she will because she's not sophisticated about computers and she's not particularly smart.) But if she did, it might make her think twice. Which is really my only goal here. To make her question herself.
I honestly think I've probably already succeeded at that, but I can't decide if I want to take it further. I've been coming up with some WONDERFUL schemes for torturing her. I'm pretty sure I could make the rest of her life miserable if I decided I wanted to devote myself to that.
Not sure it's the career for me. I'm seeing my T in an hour, thank goodness.
Posted by raisinb on May 3, 2007, at 10:09:15
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting (long, rambling) » crushedout, posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 19:34:13
I loved Pegasus's post, as well. I'd add that for me--and maybe for others--it's terrifying to feel that level of rage, because it's so big and strong it feels like it'll rip you apart. Maybe that's why we resort to other avenues.
This whole situation reminds me of why many of us are in therapy in the first place. Feelings of sadness, abandonment, rage for our parents--yet those parents are unavailable, or unable to hear and process feelings with us. So that's why we go into therapy--it's so ironic that for you, the whole cycle just repeated itself. She's who you're angry at, but she's unfit to give you peace.
Rambling, but I think my point is that the only way to truly work through it is with someone else.
Posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 16:08:31
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » canadagirl, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 9:39:19
I'm sorry, I a ditz and don't remember too much, but I am sorry that you in this situation. I can just feel the pain in your posts, and thats what prompted me to post.
Were you able to talk to your present T about this situation? It is SO tough. OMG I can't imagine how it must feel for sure, but if it was me, I would feel so empowered to do what your doing, I would feel strong, and righteous, and justfied and satisfied.......but of course, like me, your a decent person, and so you posted about it, cuz you somehow know that maybe its not the best thing that your doing somehow....but DAMN, it feels so GOOD. Sh*t anyways. I really wish it was completely B&W. Alls I can say, is if there are ANY doubts in your mind about what you are doing....then maybe hopefully, you can listen to them. Cuz there just ain't nothing free in this life, and while this whole endeavor may feel good now....you may end up paying for it :-(
I hope not.
But it from what I have heard, it feels seriously, seriously sh*tty to have a restraining order put on you, and really, they not that hard to get.......
I like you crushed,I don't give a sh*t bout your T, so you take care of yourself, and I hope you don't get burned.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 16:23:46
In reply to ((Crushed)) » crushedout, posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 16:08:31
hi muffled,thanks for the hug and the support.
yes, i talked to my t about this today and also last time. she's very interested in it but we don't really reach any conclusions. other than that i am feeling angry, and i have good reason to, and this is something i may need to go through. and right now i'm just trying to figure out what will be the most productive and satisfying way FOR ME to get through it. so maybe i *can* get to that forgiveness point (again), which i *do* think provides peace.
and my peace is the goal here. destroying my own life out of just pure vindictiveness is silly. hmm, i wonder if you can have a little healthy vindictiveness. :) i want that. maybe what i really need is just some kind of release, catharsis. i need to get these words and feelings out and do something really dramatic with them. not just write them down and burn them but something else! write and publish a g*dd*mn book, i dunno. something.
catharsis. i want to get it out of me.
you guys: she has NO BASIS for a restraining order. she's been emailing ME. do you get it? i'm not doing anything that could possibly be wrong. what are you people worrying about? Do you think i'm going to her house or threatening her life? i'm commenting on her personal blog that out there on the internet for all the world to see. i'm telling her my opinion and it may not be nice but it's not illegal to not be nice.
she hasn't even asked me to stop. what is all this crazy paranoia?
> I'm sorry, I a ditz and don't remember too much, but I am sorry that you in this situation. I can just feel the pain in your posts, and thats what prompted me to post.
> Were you able to talk to your present T about this situation? It is SO tough. OMG I can't imagine how it must feel for sure, but if it was me, I would feel so empowered to do what your doing, I would feel strong, and righteous, and justfied and satisfied.......but of course, like me, your a decent person, and so you posted about it, cuz you somehow know that maybe its not the best thing that your doing somehow....but DAMN, it feels so GOOD. Sh*t anyways. I really wish it was completely B&W. Alls I can say, is if there are ANY doubts in your mind about what you are doing....then maybe hopefully, you can listen to them. Cuz there just ain't nothing free in this life, and while this whole endeavor may feel good now....you may end up paying for it :-(
> I hope not.
> But it from what I have heard, it feels seriously, seriously sh*tty to have a restraining order put on you, and really, they not that hard to get.......
> I like you crushed,I don't give a sh*t bout your T, so you take care of yourself, and I hope you don't get burned.
> Take care,
> Muffled
Posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 18:05:20
In reply to Re: ((Crushed)) » muffled, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 16:23:46
Sorry crushed,guess its just the intensity that shines thru on your posts and just old babble stuff proly comming up on you with the restraining stuff. Sorry.
You in a tough spot allright.
Don't remember what your T did, but guess there's no way to confront her or something? Its weird, I dunno WHAT you supposed to do? Guess you somehow goto 'let it go', but HOW? I am watching you journey with interest, cuz I'd really like to know what a body is supposed to do?
Meantime, guess its the old 'self soothing' type stuff.
Best wishes to you.
Muffled
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 18:09:38
In reply to Re: ((Crushed)), posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 18:05:20
thanks, muffled. i can hear your support in your posts.
i was confused by this
> just old babble stuff proly comming up on you with the restraining stuff.
but there's no need to apologize. i'm just trying to figure out what you mean.
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 18:19:30
In reply to Re: ((Crushed)) » muffled, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 16:23:46
you're not a ditz. i'm pretty sure you weren't around for most of the drama that happened with my ex-T--it was years ago.
Posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 23:36:58
In reply to Re: ((Crushed)) » muffled, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 18:09:38
Just its hard to see fellow babblers get hurt is all.
:-(
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Rigby on May 4, 2007, at 11:26:39
In reply to Re: ((Crushed)) » muffled, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2007, at 16:23:46
How did you get to the forgiveness before? Do you think it was by sort of not having her in your life--like not in any way--you were able to rest from it? Time and space totally away from the source of the pain can be so helpful--in making you feel better and in giving you perspective.
This is where I really think her having a blog--a non-anon blog--is truly bad news. Patients should not be able to read about what their therapist thinks, who they are, etc. for so many reason. At least that's the traditional way of thinking about it. Although you actually have to proactively seek her out, in this day and age,everyone Googles and it takes four seconds to find someone's info so you could argue that it is somewhat in your face as it's so accessible.
It will take enormous restraint to stay away. It would for me. If it were me I would wish she never put it up so I would not have to deal with resisting or not resisting. Neither is pleasant.
If you were "done" with her it wouldn't matter in any way--just like anyone else putting up a blog--who cares. But you're not done. This is where all you can do is work with your current therapist to try to get done which it sounds like you're doing.
I guess if it were me it'd be so tempting I'd see it as an addiction--this time to a person and not a substance.
Maybe just count the days--day by day--that you don't engage. Don't be general like "just stop" but just say "I won't engage today."
Some day you will be able to look back and see that this was "just" an incompetent practioner, someone with a lot of problems and not someone who holds any more power over you. It will take time but it will happen.
Posted by crushedout on May 5, 2007, at 10:05:18
In reply to Re: ((Crushed)), posted by Rigby on May 4, 2007, at 11:26:39
Thanks, Rigby.
I don't know that I ever got to the forgiveness part before--did I say that I had?
I do know that I wasn't angry at her. Not for a very, very long time. In that sense, I guess there was some forgiveness. I just thought that I didn't hate her, she didn't do it on purpose, and she really just deserves pity. Something like that.
But I think the anger is important, too, and it just took me a really long time to get to it. The blog helped because she puts her lame defenses out there for all the world to see, and that provoked my anger. It arose some kind of sleeping monster inside me that I didn't even know was there. I bet at some point I will get back to the point where I can just pity her, and not hate her, and know that she is just an EXTREMELY flawed person and a terrible therapist.
But I won't waste any energy on thinking about her and what she did to me because I will be past it.
I think getting angry is probably an important step in that process.
In some weird way, for me, I think this blog is a blessing (even though I agree with you that it's f'ed up for her to do). For one thing, it's made me realize that I'm not done with my work on this. For another, it makes me see what a loser she is and has shattered all my idealism of her. If she hopped into my bed, I seriously think I would not only kick her out, but I would scream, too. :)
Posted by Rigby on May 5, 2007, at 12:10:14
In reply to Re: ((Crushed)) » Rigby, posted by crushedout on May 5, 2007, at 10:05:18
Yeah, in a post above you parenthetically noted that you wanted to get to a place of forgiveness (again.)
Sounds like you're getting this out of your system and that maybe that's what needed to happen. So you're right--maybe her blogging has helped you release your anger and maybe that was just the trick to get you unstuck.
I finished therapy in November and I definitely had some anger issues around boundary violations with my therapist and the whole gaslighting issues you mention too (a lot of b.s.) When I finally said that she must, frankly, drive her husband crazy with her stuff, she smiled awkwardly and then, simply, apologized. She said that she felt so badly about all the boundary violations in my life that she could not believe and did not want to face the fact that she too was piling on. She felt awful realizing she did it and basically, for years just couldn't admit it. Finally she did. She was in denial and stubborn and ashamed. She was and is like the rest of us: human.
I definitely needed the validation and I got it--and it helped. You, unfortunately, won't get this. My therapist was/is flawed but yours sounds really out there.
It is extraordinarily frustrating to not be heard and understood by a person who has hurt you very badly. And it is even harder to somehow make your peace with this. It is a huge, huge letting go that possibly takes a lifetime if it is ever achieved.
In general my take away right now is that therapists are humans--flawed for sure and possibly more flawed than others because, heck, why would someone healthy choose *that* profession?? I say this quasi humorously but I also say it with a degree of skepticism. Despite the enormous help I received from therapy, I still see it as a very dark, deep, long rabbit hole that you may or may not get through. It is highly possible along the way that we can get stuck in a dependency trap that is very, very tough to get out of. Therapy, I think, can become its own addiction. And you are addicted to a process and to a person that may not be skilled enough or motivated enough or healthy enough themselves to help set you free.
Anyway, rambling a bit here but really glad that this negative may turn into a positive for you. You will know when you are done--you will feel it (or not feel it as it were.) And maybe someday you will be able to apply all you've learned in going through this to other areas of your life.
My guess is that you will.
This is the end of the thread.
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