![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 32. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 21:15:24
Once I asked how to find a good therapist and a good fit. Well I've had a referral first from a pdoc then my neighbor. Noone wants to talk they just want to tell me what to do. I want someone to listen to me so I can get the hurt out. I've lived with not having a Mother since age l7 noone to ever take my side. And now all they want mind you I'm 60 yes old is to say to me get on with life forget the past. Where do you guys find therapists that listen. I found one in the ER young but we clicked but she was new to the area and knew of no one and doesnt take patients. I feel like I'm at the end of the line. Plus I only have Medicaire. Love Phillipa
Posted by madeline on November 6, 2006, at 21:53:41
In reply to I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 21:15:24
how many therapists did you go to from the referral list?
I went through several, now that I think about it. 4 actually.
The guy I've been with for years told me once that when you are ready, you will grieve for your past.
Maybe that's what you are doing, is simply looking for a safe place to grieve and for someone to be there with you.
Mine is a psychodynamic therapist - maybe that's the kind you should be looking for.
I don't know anything about the medicaire system.
I've spent over $50,000 on my therapy, over 90% out of pocket.
It's been the best money I have ever spent.
Maddie
Posted by wishingstar on November 6, 2006, at 22:03:54
In reply to I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 21:15:24
I know it's hard, but the best advice I have is to just keep trying. Keep meeting new people. Eventually youll find one that clicks. I know how hard and draining that can be... I really do. But I just dont know of any better way.
Ginny, the new T I have now, is actually #10 for me. Some of those 10 were when I was younger and my parents decided who I saw, but most were people I chose on me own. And Ginny is great so far. But it took 9 others to find her.
Hang in there and keep trying. Once you find someone, it will be worth it.
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 22:20:03
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » Phillipa, posted by madeline on November 6, 2006, at 21:53:41
Well that leave me out as I only have $30,000 in savings. And that's for my longterm care. I can't afford the $60 co-pay from the one's I've seen. It's funny but the first time you talk with them they act like they will help you. I've been grieving on my own. Crying over my dead Brandy I think you read who he is on Social. I miss him so and Sheeba the little black toy poodle. That girl didn't have a referral list. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 22:21:59
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by wishingstar on November 6, 2006, at 22:03:54
Thanks I will. Love Phillipa ps is crying bad does it mean depression is worse?
Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 23:53:56
In reply to I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 21:15:24
You've got to kiss a lot of frogs to find a good therapist. Unless you're really lucky.
Don't give up. There are therapists out there. You might want to say up front what it is you're looking for, and ask if they do that sort of therapy.
Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 23:55:21
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on November 6, 2006, at 23:53:56
Although, honestly, I did that with T3, and found out that what I meant wasn't what she meant at all.
Just another frog.
Posted by muffled on November 7, 2006, at 0:35:33
In reply to I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 21:15:24
Well, people may be tired of hearing this, but pastoral T's often work on a sliding scale. Mine is an RCC? or something like that. Pastoral, sliding scale. You don't have to be religious to goto them, and they should NOT push religion on you.
Just a thot.
Take care Phillipa, sorry you hurting :-(
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on November 7, 2006, at 1:03:08
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » wishingstar, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 22:21:59
It's hard to say whether crying means your depression is worse or not. I think it's a really personal thing. For me, crying is in the middle section.. I dont cry when I'm doing fairly well, and I dont cry when I'm really doing my worst. It varies for everyone.
But regardless... I dont think crying is a bad thing. If you're feelnig sad, I think crying is good.. its better than letting it all well up and sit inside you all the time. I dont think it's good to try to fight it. Tears can be very useful.
I'm sorry youre hurting so much. I'd share Ginny with you if I could. Hang in there.
Posted by madeline on November 7, 2006, at 5:47:31
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » madeline, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 22:20:03
I do know the ache you feel over Brandy and Sheeba.
Hang in there, when it comes to finding the right T, you will. As Dinah indicated there are a lot of real stinkers out there.
I had one T that spent most of the time telling me about how HE was abused as a child.
Another one had me hold a teabag for 5 minutes in order to focus my problems into the tea.
Sigh.
I'm with you.
Maddie
Posted by madeline on November 7, 2006, at 6:51:12
In reply to I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 21:15:24
Maybe while you are searching around for a therapist, you could possibly get some of the hurt out here.
I think we all will promise not to tell you what to do, but will just listen.
We'll be here.
Maddie
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 9:14:50
In reply to I have another idea... » Phillipa, posted by madeline on November 7, 2006, at 6:51:12
Phillipa,
sounds like you're ready to start grieving. I know that you are seeing doctors right now. Perhaps they can recommend someone for you? I think a psychodynamic approach is probably a good idea. You have pretty healthy lifestyle habits, so I'm not sure that CBT is the thing for you. If you want to get into the past and its effects on you now, psychodynamic is a good approach.Sure beats staring at a teabag.
I'm off to see my T in about an hour. I got lucky, I think. I've been very lucky with T's and pdocs.
yikes. what am I going to talk about today? oh boy.
let us know what you find out.
-Li
Posted by madeline on November 7, 2006, at 10:45:42
In reply to Re: I have another idea..., posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 9:14:50
I just have one thing to say sister ---
"tell it to the tea!!!"
OMG - I actually PAID for that session.
Maddie
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:06:07
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » wishingstar, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 22:21:59
See I have no self esteem as age is a factor I'm old now and all the medical problems are eating up my savings. And I'm (know this is sick) afraid to be alone. So my husband has to be here with me and he hates every minute of it. He makes the telephone calls for me as I'm scared to. I was always independant and lived on my own at times. But confession time. I was married to the Father of my kids for 21years. It was the 60's and 70's the free love stuff. So we cheated on each other and always made up it was no big deal then. I then got a very cocky attitude as I felt good then, looked good, had my own aerobics business they called me the queen of aerobics as I was good and at the same time put myself through nursing school. I was magna cum laude and loved nursing and that was when the divorce. I looked so good that men chased me and I married two more times briefly and was treated as a queen. I divorced them said three strikes you're out. See how cocky I was? Then in chemical dependency I didnt know the rules and my current husband came in the first weeke the unit was open and I avoided him as he was younger and wierd and I wanted nothing to do with him. But he keep chasing me and wierdly I started coming to worke praying his name was still on the board. He at the end of 30 days asked if he could stop by and have a cup of coffee. I was in Virginia and he was living in Nc his employer had paid for his tx. Dx axis I alcholism. secondary cocaine. He gave me a hug and it was like a hug I'd never had before. I said think very carefully to see if you really want to see me as I'm l3 years older than you. Next day he said yes and he came over on discharge. I didn't know the rules of chemical dependency said you can never make contact with an expatient I thought it was 30 days like the other units I'd worked on. So I did something I've never done before had sex with him that day. And started heavily drinking with him as I was a social if ever at the time drinker. My house was for sale and if sold. he asked me to move in with him and I did. I told work I was on my way to Florida where my oldest Daughter is to live and was stopping in NC on the way. I never left kept drinking with him and then my thyroid went after l year. Money is all he thinks about. I always thought a husband took care of a wife. So now I can't even get out as I'm too old, can't work on Disability, afraid of people, can't go out alone, and all we do is fight. No sex in over two years and it was unsatisfying anyway. Oh my biggest secret please don't hold this against me is that I was told sex was bad and never have had an orgasm with anyone. A vibrator is all. My first husband I did once and he said it was bad too. I better go I'm very upset. And no meds work for me. I'm terrified I'll spontaneously do the you know what some day. Bye for now. Please don't hate me. My Kids are grown and all have college educations and are very successful so I did one thing right as my ex was never there. What is wrong with me? Love Phillipa guilty as charged
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:48:23
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:06:07
Have to add I bared my sould no one has heard this before and my husband saw what I was posting and reminded me he has supported me emotionally for the l0years. And I did go to work nursing for the first two years of our marriage. Please don't hated me . I've barred my sould. I've trusted you. And I did go to marrige couseling for 7 1/2years with my first husband but he wanted nothing to do with the marriage he'd had a girlfriend for 7 years I knew nothing about. I don't do those things anymore stopped after that. And have tried to help others since with the nursing. I nursed for l5years. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 12:23:55
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » Phillipa, posted by madeline on November 7, 2006, at 5:47:31
The teabag therapy sounds absolutely hilarious. :)
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 12:34:00
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:06:07
Phillipa, you aren't guilty, and no one will charge you with any crimes. Why would we hate you for being human?
You're in a tough situation right now, and you're doing the best you can.
You clearly did a good job with your kids, and you're a great doggy mom. You're supportive here on babble, and I'm sure elsewhere.
I daresay some couples therapy might be useful, considering that you're both under a great deal of stress. But I know that isn't a viable option sometimes.
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 12:42:25
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2006, at 12:34:00
Dinah thanks I'm crying now. Love Phillipa I try to be good to others. Love Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 13:39:04
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 12:42:25
Phillipa,
you're very brave to tell us that stuff, and you are probably open with your husband, if he was able to see your post earlier.You're not guilty of hurting anyone- only yourself. I'm sorry things are so tough right now. I hope that you can find a T that will work with you, and help you come out of your shell a little bit, when you feel comfortable.
It's okay to want a therapist to help you work on your past, but it's also important that the therapist gives you strategies and counselling on making it through the everyday situations that cause you stress and anxiety. Perhaps with some work you'll be able to figure out some connections between the past and the presentm in terms of how you react to certain circumstances, and how you make decisions for your future.
Keep trying to find a T, and keep posting. Trust me, these vanilla boards have seen a lot of ugly stuff-- life is ugly sometimes. Don't worry about us judging you. The more we understand you, the more we will be able to support you.
yours,
-Li
Posted by muffled on November 7, 2006, at 14:46:19
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:06:07
I can only love you more for what you said.
Muffled
Posted by madeline on November 7, 2006, at 19:16:18
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:48:23
Oh Phillipa! Thank you for sharing that with us.
There is absolutely, positively nothing in those posts that would give me the slightest reason to hate you.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
I suspect that some of what you are feeling does not belong to you. But is there because someone told you that is how you should feel.
You can not feel guilty for basically living your life. You do not have to justify yourself or make excuses for yourself.
You live, you love. It's clear you have guts, it's clear that you are good honest person. It's clear that you should be loved and should love yourself.
Thank you for this gift.
I am still here.
Maddie
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 20:28:31
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » Phillipa, posted by madeline on November 7, 2006, at 19:16:18
Thanks it's hard and I know my fear of meds is because of the prednisone killing my Mother. And then it was my fault she was sick. She said when I was a baby she had to carry me up two flights of stairs and that gave her psoriasis hence the prednisone. Oh I know this was ridiculous as when I was carrying my first up the stair it came out of nowhere hey this is normal a Mother is supposed to carry her child. But it when on and on with a broken mirror making her sick for 7 more years and a bird in the house same thing. And she threw things at me, had temper tantrums and foamed at the mouth. I know logically it was the high dose prednisone as it was just out and they didn't know side effects of it. But it was so scarey as I never knew what to expect when I came home. And holding her head over the toilet when she said she would break an artery and die when she had migraines. No wonder I'm a nervous wreck and afraid of making mistakes and a people pleaser. Love Phillipa
Posted by Jost on November 7, 2006, at 21:30:10
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 20:28:31
Phillipa. I'm really sad reading what you say about your early life and your Mother's illness.
It's almost as if you feel you shouldn't have been affected by those things. I'm sorry that your Mother had such a hard life. and also that you were exposed to someone in such terrible difficulties and who couldn't hold herself together-- for whatever reason-and who had many irrational ideas about herself and her world.
None of that was your responsibility. You couldn't possibly have coped with that.
People feeling confident and optimistic and attractive-- is not cocky. Maybe you made mistakes-- you don't have to pay for them forever, you haven't given up the right for a good life now-- even if you did things that didn't make sense, in retrospect. (Hindsight is 20/20, you know?)
You've got to keep trying. You *can* find a therapist-- and it's crucial for you to go on, even if you feel recently that you can't.
I just want to ask you again. What happened with either going up on/ or stopping the Luvox? what about some other anti-depressants? I know you're afraid of medication-- but you must push through that. You have to try, until you can make it to finding better medications and a T whom you can work with.
These things can happen. You aren't that old! People live a long time-- you're strong-- yes, you have some physical problems-- but with good treatment, you can survive in good health, for many many good years.
I wish you could forgive yourself for so many things that weren't your fault.
{{{{{Phillipa}}}}}
Jost
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 21:55:04
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Jost on November 7, 2006, at 21:30:10
(((((Phillipa))))))
Thank you for trusting us enough to share these difficult memories. Jost is very smart, and I can hardly add anything, but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job.
You raised your own children very well, even though you didn't have a good role model. You are very strong-willed, which gets you on the bike more often than this 20-something blob! AND you are very smart. Please don't disparage yourself for being dumb, or for not handling things better.
You are human, that's why you hurt. The things that happened to you, especially when you were young-- well, that stuff can really affect how you feel about yourself. Even if you think it's gone away, or you're beyond it- well, it sounds like you had a really tough time.
Of course you could have done things differently. Well, what if you had? I think you've done very well, considering that you've been able to keep going, keep learning, and keep helping others. You have a very kind and very giving heart, Phillipa. You will be surprised that you DESERVE to be helped, and that you are WORTH all the kindness and care you give others. You've made a career out of helping others. Back when you were working, what if a 60-y.o. woman like you had come into your care? What if you had to give her medicine, and calm her anxiety when she didn't know if she'd ever be able to join the labor force again? What if you had to hear her tell you a story that had a lot of human tragedy? I bet you would be a good listener. I bet you wouldn't judge her, or think that she was a bad person. I think you'd probably hold her hand and give her a tissue if she started crying, and make sure that people were checking up regularly on her, even when you were off duty.
Sometimes you have to be stronger to ask for help and to accept help than you do to give help. I think that you're strong enough, though. Please keep posting, and babble will hold your hand.
love,
Li
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 22:06:13
In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results, posted by Jost on November 7, 2006, at 21:30:10
Each morning when I wake-up I say oh no another day but I swing my legs out of bed make it brush my teeth eat and wash my hair and try and think of something to do that doesn't require money as that is sparse and try and do something constructive. I only brushed the dogs today. But that's something. And I'm still here. About the meds I discussed this with my I call her smart daughter the VP of a trust bank and she said you don't need the results of the endo tests to see the new pdoc just tell him where and what is happening now and let him take it from there. See I've had to raise myself and in the process need to feel in control and I know I'm not. Love Phillipa
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.