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Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results

Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:06:07

In reply to Re: I've Done What You've Said And No Results » wishingstar, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2006, at 22:21:59

See I have no self esteem as age is a factor I'm old now and all the medical problems are eating up my savings. And I'm (know this is sick) afraid to be alone. So my husband has to be here with me and he hates every minute of it. He makes the telephone calls for me as I'm scared to. I was always independant and lived on my own at times. But confession time. I was married to the Father of my kids for 21years. It was the 60's and 70's the free love stuff. So we cheated on each other and always made up it was no big deal then. I then got a very cocky attitude as I felt good then, looked good, had my own aerobics business they called me the queen of aerobics as I was good and at the same time put myself through nursing school. I was magna cum laude and loved nursing and that was when the divorce. I looked so good that men chased me and I married two more times briefly and was treated as a queen. I divorced them said three strikes you're out. See how cocky I was? Then in chemical dependency I didnt know the rules and my current husband came in the first weeke the unit was open and I avoided him as he was younger and wierd and I wanted nothing to do with him. But he keep chasing me and wierdly I started coming to worke praying his name was still on the board. He at the end of 30 days asked if he could stop by and have a cup of coffee. I was in Virginia and he was living in Nc his employer had paid for his tx. Dx axis I alcholism. secondary cocaine. He gave me a hug and it was like a hug I'd never had before. I said think very carefully to see if you really want to see me as I'm l3 years older than you. Next day he said yes and he came over on discharge. I didn't know the rules of chemical dependency said you can never make contact with an expatient I thought it was 30 days like the other units I'd worked on. So I did something I've never done before had sex with him that day. And started heavily drinking with him as I was a social if ever at the time drinker. My house was for sale and if sold. he asked me to move in with him and I did. I told work I was on my way to Florida where my oldest Daughter is to live and was stopping in NC on the way. I never left kept drinking with him and then my thyroid went after l year. Money is all he thinks about. I always thought a husband took care of a wife. So now I can't even get out as I'm too old, can't work on Disability, afraid of people, can't go out alone, and all we do is fight. No sex in over two years and it was unsatisfying anyway. Oh my biggest secret please don't hold this against me is that I was told sex was bad and never have had an orgasm with anyone. A vibrator is all. My first husband I did once and he said it was bad too. I better go I'm very upset. And no meds work for me. I'm terrified I'll spontaneously do the you know what some day. Bye for now. Please don't hate me. My Kids are grown and all have college educations and are very successful so I did one thing right as my ex was never there. What is wrong with me? Love Phillipa guilty as charged




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