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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 12:00:51
myT has seen me and hubby once together.
Mostly I wanted my hubby to meet T so he would know she ok.
My hubby is a GOOD, GOOD, man.
He works hard and is not around much in summer months.
So btwn. kids and distance, its always a challenge for me to get back on track with him when things slow down.
Hubby is quite prepared to be with me anytime.(WITH in the you-know-what way)
But I don't like when he's not been around much.
Then I just feel used.
I never good at intimacy. Ugh.
Never good at letting people close.
Now its like I get real bothered by him :-(
I don't know why?
Sh*t.
And I dunno how to say this to T?
Cuz......its just weird for me.
To talk like that to her.
Like about me.
And I feel dirty and bad and ashamed.
Damn.
I am avoiding it.
Mebbe it will just go away?
Once hubby around more?
I can pretend, though its hard when you start to retch....
I never been abused in that way.
Never.
AS ever I am SO confused.
Maybe this makes no sense.
Good.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 12:02:37
In reply to Hubby trubble**trigger?**, posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 12:00:51
my head hurts
Posted by ClearSkies on October 2, 2006, at 13:16:12
In reply to Hubby trubble**trigger?**, posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 12:00:51
> Hubby is quite prepared to be with me anytime.(WITH in the you-know-what way)
> But I don't like when he's not been around much.
> Then I just feel used.
> I never good at intimacy. Ugh.My personal experience with this has been that my husband has no way of knowing that I'm not on the same page with him at any given time. I tried sending him thought messages but he didn't pick up at all.
My T suggested I get kind of playful with him to help slow the process down. He's already there, but I'm just arriving, so to speak. We laugh together easily, so it's no stretch to turn his advances into a giggling cuddlefest before going any further. It helps a lot with our intimacy.
My husband travels a lot in his work and it feels like our heads are on totally different time lines...Muffled, you are not bad. I don't know if you said you were bad, but I thought I'd say it anyway.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 2, 2006, at 16:51:06
In reply to Hubby trubble**trigger?**, posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 12:00:51
I'm so sorry, Muffy. I know how hard it is to talk about these things with your T, but I think you should try. I don't think this is going to go away on its own, even if it temporarily gets better than it is now. I'm guessing this is a core intimacy issue for you and as such, it would be very important to be able to talk to T about it.
Can you fax her what you wrote?
(((((((Muffled))))))))
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 2, 2006, at 21:55:03
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on October 2, 2006, at 16:51:06
Hi Muffled,
I'm so glad your husband is a wonderful man. It makes other things more bearable. Maybe you can talk about this relationship next time you see T. You can tell her that there is always a difficult awkward "homecoming" readjustment, but that this time it's particularly strange.Tell her that the thing that bothers you the most has to do with your sexual relationship, and then let her kind of help you- lead you in the right direction. She may help you understand that the intimacy problems are related to other things that you aren't really aware of (and I DON'T mean childhood stuff either!)
Of course, if it's been a while, well, you have to get to know your husband all over again. It's really strange sometimes, and I've been there. Sometimes it will feel right up to a certain point and then I'm like. OMG! who IS this guy?!?
Maybe you two should get a babysitter and go out on an old-fashioned date. Have a nice relaxing dinner out. Look in his eyes and get to know him again. I read somewhere that guys can't feel intimate unless having sex. Women can't have sex without feeling intimate. Bummer, huh?
-Li
Posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 22:12:24
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?**, posted by ClearSkies on October 2, 2006, at 13:16:12
> My personal experience with this has been that my husband has no way of knowing that I'm not on the same page with him at any given time. I tried sending him thought messages but he didn't pick up at all.
***LOL! :-)
> My T suggested I get kind of playful with him to help slow the process down. He's already there, but I'm just arriving, so to speak. We laugh together easily, so it's no stretch to turn his advances into a giggling cuddlefest before going any further. It helps a lot with our intimacy.
***I've always tried to get it over with asap :-(
I dunno bout intimacy. Never really done it. I go so far and BANG, all hit my wall of safety. Sometimes I can pretend I'm not me, and I try and talk in the third person w/T. Ah, hell. I not good at talking bout this stuff. Not when its about ME.> My husband travels a lot in his work and it feels like our heads are on totally different time lines...
***yeah. My hubby like a total stranger sometimes, to the irl kids too.
>
> Muffled, you are not bad. I don't know if you said you were bad, but I thought I'd say it anyway.
>
***Aw CS, you wonderful, thanks for your input into this thorny (or perhaps I should say horney!!!LOL) problem I have.
(uh oh, here comes wacko Mufflie!!!!LOL!!!!)
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 22:18:10
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on October 2, 2006, at 16:51:06
> I'm so sorry, Muffy. I know how hard it is to talk about these things with your T, but I think you should try. I don't think this is going to go away on its own, even if it temporarily gets better than it is now. I'm guessing this is a core intimacy issue for you and as such, it would be very important to be able to talk to T about it.
>
> Can you fax her what you wrote?
>
> (((((((Muffled))))))))** Thanks TG. It IS hard. I find it hard to talk about myself. ESP THIS kind of stuff.
I gonna have to look up core intimacy, cuz I dunno what that is....
Right now I dunno if I even gonna GO tomorrow.
Cuz she says we can play it loose and if I want to come each week I can, or we can phone etc. I think she wants me to ASK. UGH. I don't like asking for stuff for myself. I am having a bit of an inner battle that says if I want an appt. it means I must be weak.....
WHY do I go over and over the SAME STUFF so many times before I learn?????????????????????????
Sigh.
But I AM doing better....
Thanks TG.
If I EVEN go. I'll see.....................................................
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 22:27:31
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » TherapyGirl, posted by Lindenblüte on October 2, 2006, at 21:55:03
> Hi Muffled,
> I'm so glad your husband is a wonderful man. It makes other things more bearable. Maybe you can talk about this relationship next time you see T. You can tell her that there is always a difficult awkward "homecoming" readjustment, but that this time it's particularly strange.***Hmmmm, that seems clear....................mebbe you can go FOR me????????????????????Sigh.
>
> Tell her that the thing that bothers you the most has to do with your sexual relationship, and then let her kind of help you- lead you in the right direction. She may help you understand that the intimacy problems are related to other things that you aren't really aware of (and I DON'T mean childhood stuff either!)***Ewwwwwwww!DOUBLE Ewwwwwwwwww! Hate the word 'sexual'(ugh!)and hate the word 'relationship'(yuk).
Sorry. I'm getting a little punchy or something. Dunno.
It may be related to my irl kids. My daughter will be in our bed(which is fine), but in the a.m., my hubby'll "snuggle" closer etc, WHILE SHE IN THE BED. And that just freaks me entirely. He's just trying to have a little fun, he'd send her out to watch TV if we actually DID something. But it puts me right off. And I've told him so.
>
> Of course, if it's been a while, well, you have to get to know your husband all over again. It's really strange sometimes, and I've been there. Sometimes it will feel right up to a certain point and then I'm like. OMG! who IS this guy?!?***Yeah, it is like that. I feel like a Ho.
>
> Maybe you two should get a babysitter and go out on an old-fashioned date. Have a nice relaxing dinner out. Look in his eyes and get to know him again. I read somewhere that guys can't feel intimate unless having sex. Women can't have sex without feeling intimate. Bummer, huh?
>
> -Li
***thats funny, Damos said the same thing.
I dunno. Its not that easy to get away cuz my son does sleep terrors. Besides, if I let him buy me supper, he'll expect something!!!!LOL.
Thanks Li.
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 22:30:48
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » TherapyGirl, posted by Lindenblüte on October 2, 2006, at 21:55:03
And I feel real bad bout it cuz hubby feels rejected.
I guess I could just grit my teeth, clench my throat, and do it.
I'd get over it fast.
Cuz I'd be happy to see that my hubby was happy.
Cuz I really think I making him feel bad :-(
Sh*t, anyways.
Thanks all for your ideas.
And encourage ment.
Muffled
Posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2006, at 4:17:56
In reply to Oh yeah, posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 22:30:48
> And I feel real bad bout it cuz hubby feels rejected.
> I guess I could just grit my teeth, clench my throat, and do it.
> I'd get over it fast.So there is him feeling rejected on the one hand...
And you feeling used on the other...There must be some kind of middle way...
But don't ask me what it is because I don't do relationships.Um...
How do you mean you feel intimate... And then freak out?
Did you mean with your husband or with your t?
Do you enjoy sex sometimes?
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 3, 2006, at 7:48:28
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 22:18:10
<WHY do I go over and over the SAME STUFF so many times before I learn?????????????????????????>
I am the queen of going over the same stuff over and over and over again. I'll let you know when I finally get some of it, i.e., trusting that my T won't lie to me.
By core intimacy, I only meant that intimacy is hard for many of us. It seems like, from what you've said, that you can go a little ways down that road and then you hit a wall and NO ONE is going through that wall. So if you, with your T, can figure out how to start taking the wall down, piece by piece, then the other issues might fall into place. Am I making any sense?
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 8:57:26
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on October 3, 2006, at 7:48:28
Hey Muffled,
have you guys ever tried cuddling in a non-bedroom place? Somewhere where there's NO chance of going much further than a kiss or a snuggle?Maybe like in the evening when the family is watching TV or something? You can just practice giving him a little kiss on the cheek and hugging him a little bit? Tell him that you love him, and that you're sorry that it's so hard for you right now with S*X.
((((((Mufflie))))))
In the meanwhile, I think you are doing the right thing- you KNOW what the problem is, and you know that you have a few options
1.grit your teeth and get it over with vs.
2. talk it through in a safe place vs.
3. avoid AVOID! AAAAhhh avoid!am I forgetting any?
Well, have you and your guy ever had a conversation about the intimacy stuff before? It might be time to have another conversation. (see option 2). You got any funny g/f in real life that you talk to about this stuff? I had a VERY interesting conversation with 2 of my good friends about all kinds of juicy experiences. Perhaps most interesting to me was that the woman I thought of as ultra-confident and an early maturer didn't lose her V until she was in her 20's. The woman I thought of as having zero intimacy issues is not afraid to be worshipped as the 3rd person in a menage a trois, but is worried that she will never be fully committed to only one man for the rest of her life. So? We ALL have our issues. This one sounds really really normal really typical. You CAN and will get over it.
Maybe there will be some times when it feels like your husband is asking you to get on a scary roller coaster, and you DON'T WANT to, but part of you knows that it will be okay in the end, and you might even have fun, if you let yourself! (I prefer this metaphor to the gritting your teeth one.)
Good luck today. I'll be thinking of you :)
((((Muff))))
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2006, at 16:40:00
In reply to Hubby trubble**trigger?**, posted by muffled on October 2, 2006, at 12:00:51
I learned one very useful fact in sex therapy. I'd always been enormously reluctant to be honest about sex with my husband, for fear of hurting or offending him. But my therapist encouraged me to be honest about certain things, as sensitively as I could.
Lo and behold, it wasn't the end of the world, or my marriage.
I try always to be honest in a positive way, saying what I'd prefer instead of what I don't like.
So I can say that I prefer to be able to concentrate totally on him when we're touching sexually, so it's better for me if he gets my attention first, or if I'm not doing something else that I'm focusing on, or if we plan sexual encounters. While I learned that he thinks we plan a bit too much, and he'd prefer spontaneity.
So can you think of specific things you can ask for to make your experience "better"?
(No need to mention that better just means more bearable, if that's the case. "Better" still covers that.)
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 16:47:42
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2006, at 16:40:00
yes. I like planning. "date night"
:)
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2006, at 17:31:27
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » Dinah, posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 16:47:42
The single best step to a happier sex life for me. :)
Posted by muffled on October 3, 2006, at 23:43:51
In reply to Re: Oh yeah » muffled, posted by alexandra_k on October 3, 2006, at 4:17:56
>But don't ask me what it is because I don't do relationships.
***LOL. Luv ya ((((Alex)))
Working on a troublesome inside kid right now w/T.
She actually was AMAZING today.
She so CBT, but she did a diff. thing today and it worked good.Short on time now though. I'll write bout it later.
:-)
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 3, 2006, at 23:46:18
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2006, at 16:40:00
(No need to mention that better just means more bearable, if that's the case. "Better" still covers that.)
***Thanks for that Dinah.
Thanks for advice. I'm not that far yet.
But its all good.
Thanks,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 3, 2006, at 23:47:57
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?** » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on October 3, 2006, at 7:48:28
Posted by muffled on October 3, 2006, at 23:51:45
In reply to Re: Hubby trubble**trigger?**, posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 8:57:26
In the meanwhile, I think you are doing the right thing- you KNOW what the problem is, and you know that you have a few options
1.grit your teeth and get it over with vs.
2. talk it through in a safe place vs.
3. avoid AVOID! AAAAhhh avoid!LOL!!!!!!!!
Yeah, mebbe a bit of 1 and 2 combined....till I get stuff figgered out.
Mebbe I just need to try or something, and blast thru those yuk feelings and concentrate on good things....
Thanks Li.
Muffled
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