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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on August 5, 2006, at 22:47:55
A few months back I had really started to accept that the emotional neglect from my mum was just as harmful (or even more so) than the rages from my dad. I could really start to see the extent of the negative impact it had on me. And with that realisation came a great rage towards my mum. Which was very difficult for me considering how I think anger is so bad and scary.
I had already cut off most contact with mum for various reasons, but when the rage came I couldn't stand having any contact with her at all.
Things came to a head on Mothers Day. I refused to go to a lunch for mum, but my husband didn't stand by me. He went to the lunch without me.
Normally mum wouldn't say anything about it, but for some reason she felt compelled to call me that night to find out why I was avoiding her.
At first I wouldn't say anything and kept trying to fob her off. I didn't want anything to leak out because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop the avalanche. She kept at me and at me until I couldn't hold back anymore and we had a huge fight. Not a screaming match kind with insults hurled. But a very deeply upsetting one for both of us because I just told her the truth for once. Made her face some things she didn't want to.
It left my parts so conflicted. The teenager still held hostility towards her, but felt a lot better. The great overwhelming rage subsided. A younger part felt bad bad bad and wanted to make things better. And a younger part still was just plain terrified.
Towards the end of the big fight, my mum kept asking what she had to do to make things better between us. And I had no idea. I suggested she come in and talk to my T about what she can do to help me, but she adamantly flat out refused to see him.
Over the next couple of weeks, my T and I decided to send her a letter. It basically said I wanted two things from her. One was for her to stop the defend and blame pattern. I refused to dance to that song anymore. And the second thing was for her to validate my feelings. I also lent her a book I found really helpful called "Your child's emotional needs" by Dr Vicky Flory.
My T and I thought she may do her quiet punishment - ignore me. We decided to give her a month.
During that month I was able to set it aside and was working on other things in therapy and was doing really well. But when the month was up I just fell apart. The ignoring just kills me. Plus this time I felt completely worthless. My own mother didn't even think that I was worth taking a risk on. She'd rather just lose me than take a risk. I kept questioning my own reality, thinking that maybe I didn't give her the letter, maybe I just imagined I did.
So my T has been trying to encourage me to write another letter that talks about communication being necessary to fix the rift in our relationship. I drafted one but haven't sent it and have refused to go any further with it all.
Except now I'm in a bit of a bind. I knew I'd have to talk to mum about all this one day, but I really wasn't ready for it yet. Not secure enough in myself yet. But I kind of got unwittingly thrown into a confrontation. I don't feel able to move forward with the conflict. But not dealing with it is very unsafe for me. There's the constant possibility that today could be the day mum calls me out of the blue. I refuse to answer the phone now.
And I'm totally unprepared for if she does call. I'll be running on autopilot which could be anything depending on which part comes out.
We've since passed the two month mark and I still haven't heard boo from her. It's at the stage where I want her gone. I don't want her as my mother anymore. I want a new one.
Posted by littleone on August 5, 2006, at 23:00:51
In reply to Confronting my mum (another long one), posted by littleone on August 5, 2006, at 22:47:55
Okay, that link is way wrong. It was supposed to link to nothing because I don't think it's in Amazon.
Posted by ElaineM on August 5, 2006, at 23:51:22
In reply to Confronting my mum (another long one), posted by littleone on August 5, 2006, at 22:47:55
Hi littleone, I haven't met you before :-) I think issues about parents are really hard. Hard to realize, hard to bring up and work on, hard to have to let go of. I'm not sure what the right solution to your send/not send dilemma is.
It sounds like you are trying to come to terms with the fact that your mom may never be the mother you want, and was never the mother you deserved. I know what that feels like -- the rejection. I've had a similar confrontation-type encounter about asking, begging?, for help -- a plea for help that I first starved myself trying to express. And she turned away too.
But no matter how much my parents hurt me, how many times, I still can't walk away completely either. I think I sometimes feel that if I only try one more time, hold on another month, I'll trigger some magic change in them, and they will love me like they were supposed to -- just cause I was their child.
Do you think that your hesitation is similar? Or do you think that you really do want to move on, but fear her reaction? Or maybe the reaction within youself. (sorry, trying to understand better)
I find writing out stuff way easier than speaking. Until recently I only wrote to my T, cause I often can't summon words infront of other people. If you're comfortable writing out stuff then what if you and your T worked on writing out possible phone dialogues. So if your mom did call you could even have a little "cheat sheet" of sorts infront of you. You could come up with responses to things that might be said. If it wouldn't be too traumatic you could even get your T to read it back and forth with you - like a version of role playing. I don't know, maybe that sounds dumb. We did it in group treatment and it sometimes was helpful.
It's hard to not have a mother, even when you do (I hope you know what I mean) Until my ED T, and recently, a lady doctor I had been seeing, I had been terrified of all "adults" -- terrified of speaking around them. I wish your mother was more responsive to your efforts, cause it likely took a long time for you to work up the courage. I don't really know what else to say -- I can't move past the "still wanting" part myself.
Sorry if I said something dumb, it's really late and my brain is fried. Even though I don't know you yet, I know you are not worthless, no matter how your mom treats you.
Let me know if you get any closer to a decision about mailing your second letter.take care, ELaine :-)
Posted by littleone on August 6, 2006, at 21:15:29
In reply to Re: Confronting my mum (another long one) » littleone, posted by ElaineM on August 5, 2006, at 23:51:22
> Hi littleone, I haven't met you before :-)
<< Nice to meet you.
> I think issues about parents are really hard. Hard to realize, hard to bring up and work on, hard to have to let go of.
<< You’ve got that right.
> I know what that feels like -- the rejection.<< :( I wish you didn’t know this.
> But no matter how much my parents hurt me, how many times, I still can't walk away completely either. I think I sometimes feel that if I only try one more time, hold on another month, I'll trigger some magic change in them, and they will love me like they were supposed to -- just cause I was their child.<< I watched a show on TV last night that talked about two or three instances where children were horrifically neglected for the first 12 or so years of their lives and the effects that has had on them. In each case, when the girls got older, despite the horrific neglect, each one of them still wanted to go back and connect with their parent again. I think that the whole attachment idea is great when it works well, but so terribly sad when it doesn’t.
> Do you think that your hesitation is similar? Or do you think that you really do want to move on, but fear her reaction? Or maybe the reaction within youself. (sorry, trying to understand better)
<< I think my T is looking at this as an opportunity to educate her a little about emotional needs. After all, the whole reason she can’t do this is because she never had it has a child herself. So I think he’s of the belief that if we try and educate her a little and she takes a bit of it on board, then that’s fantastic. And if she doesn’t then we’re no worse off than we were before.
<< I think when I say I don’t want her anymore, that’s my way of doing a runner. Run away and hide and avoid. That’s how I handle things. I have dreams where I drop my whole life and change my name and start all over again and don’t tell my family about my new identity. The only connection I keep to my old life is my T. Sometimes I yearn for this.
<< I don’t really have much hope at all that she will take in any of the “education”. Maybe a very small part is hoping it will all work and wishes for a closer relationship with her, but I just can’t believe there’s a real chance of that happening. I just can’t see her taking the risks necessary for this (ie risking reaching out to me, risking just hearing me without standing behind the defence of the defend and blame cycle, risking talking to me). She divorced my dad rather than take the risk of talking to him. Why should I expect anything different?
<< And her disapproving ignoring me just terrifies me. It’s a lot of pain and upset to go through for something you don’t really have much hope in. I think that if I do just get ignored, then my T sees that as an opportunity to try an work through feeling ignored.
> If you're comfortable writing out stuff then what if you and your T worked on writing out possible phone dialogues. So if your mom did call you could even have a little "cheat sheet" of sorts infront of you.
<< The phone script is a good idea. My T and I did something similar for a conversation I had to have with my dad and it helped a lot. I guess I’m just avoiding that with my mum because I really have no idea what to expect if she calls up. I’m just so scared of confronting her. I would much rather do it in my T’s office where I feel safer and where the power imbalance would be evened up a bit. But she won’t have a bar of that.
> It's hard to not have a mother, even when you do (I hope you know what I mean)
<< Yeah, I do know what you mean :(
> Sorry if I said something dumb, it's really late and my brain is fried.
<< You didn’t say anything dumb. I really liked reading your thoughts.
Posted by fairywings on August 7, 2006, at 15:49:18
In reply to Re: Confronting my mum » ElaineM, posted by littleone on August 6, 2006, at 21:15:29
Hi LO,
Your post really resonates with me. If you don't want to answer this, just ignore it, but did you and your husband ever come to terms over his going without you? I'm sorry it went that way.
It sounds as though your mother blames you to make herself feel better and in your suffering she has some satisfaction? If that is true, you don't deserve that, no one does.
I agree with Elaine...writing things out can reveal a lot of feelings, and in the process sometimes it helps figure out how to approach something. Thinking of all the senarios, and how to respond might help you get things off your chest. Will you hold your ground until your mother comes to you? I hope in time she comes around and will go to your T with you to try to work things out, that does sound safer.
fw
Posted by littleone on August 7, 2006, at 22:07:27
In reply to Re: Confronting my mum » littleone, posted by fairywings on August 7, 2006, at 15:49:18
> did you and your husband ever come to terms over his going without you? I'm sorry it went that way.
No, but I guess I made peace with it myself. I ended up deciding that if I could choose to not visit my mum in spite of what he thought, then he could choose to visit her in spite of what I thought.
I don't think he understands very much at all about abuse, trauma, attachment, etc so he really doesn't understand at all why I'm not talking to her at the moment.
I've tried to explain some simple stuff to him a few times, so he gets it a little bit, but it's hard for me because he gets mad and I feel attacked. Then I feel young and can't put logical points forward which makes it look like I don't have an answer for whatever it is he's arguing.
> It sounds as though your mother blames you to make herself feel better and in your suffering she has some satisfaction?I do think her blaming is a defense mechanicism designed to make herself feel better. I don't think that she would actually get satisfaction out of my suffering. It's probably more an unconscious pattern rather than a malicious one.
However, I do think she would get a lot of satisfaction out of the ignoring. Once again, not from my suffering as such, but rather because I rush in to make her feel better. Like I give her negative pattern a lot of positive reinforcement.
> I agree with Elaine...writing things out can reveal a lot of feelings, and in the process sometimes it helps figure out how to approach something. Thinking of all the senarios, and how to respond might help you get things off your chest.Yeah, I really should do this. I'm just so scared of this whole thing. It makes it real hard to approach it and work on it.
> Will you hold your ground until your mother comes to you?
I still haven't decided if I'll send a letter re communication to her or wait for a response from her. Either way at the moment I'm pretty sure I won't fall into my old trap of running over to make it all better for her. I can see that that would be very bad for me.
Although that will probably fall down the gurgler if the young part who feels bad bad bad gets triggered.
This is the end of the thread.
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