Posted by littleone on August 5, 2006, at 22:47:55
A few months back I had really started to accept that the emotional neglect from my mum was just as harmful (or even more so) than the rages from my dad. I could really start to see the extent of the negative impact it had on me. And with that realisation came a great rage towards my mum. Which was very difficult for me considering how I think anger is so bad and scary.
I had already cut off most contact with mum for various reasons, but when the rage came I couldn't stand having any contact with her at all.
Things came to a head on Mothers Day. I refused to go to a lunch for mum, but my husband didn't stand by me. He went to the lunch without me.
Normally mum wouldn't say anything about it, but for some reason she felt compelled to call me that night to find out why I was avoiding her.
At first I wouldn't say anything and kept trying to fob her off. I didn't want anything to leak out because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop the avalanche. She kept at me and at me until I couldn't hold back anymore and we had a huge fight. Not a screaming match kind with insults hurled. But a very deeply upsetting one for both of us because I just told her the truth for once. Made her face some things she didn't want to.
It left my parts so conflicted. The teenager still held hostility towards her, but felt a lot better. The great overwhelming rage subsided. A younger part felt bad bad bad and wanted to make things better. And a younger part still was just plain terrified.
Towards the end of the big fight, my mum kept asking what she had to do to make things better between us. And I had no idea. I suggested she come in and talk to my T about what she can do to help me, but she adamantly flat out refused to see him.
Over the next couple of weeks, my T and I decided to send her a letter. It basically said I wanted two things from her. One was for her to stop the defend and blame pattern. I refused to dance to that song anymore. And the second thing was for her to validate my feelings. I also lent her a book I found really helpful called "Your child's emotional needs" by Dr Vicky Flory.
My T and I thought she may do her quiet punishment - ignore me. We decided to give her a month.
During that month I was able to set it aside and was working on other things in therapy and was doing really well. But when the month was up I just fell apart. The ignoring just kills me. Plus this time I felt completely worthless. My own mother didn't even think that I was worth taking a risk on. She'd rather just lose me than take a risk. I kept questioning my own reality, thinking that maybe I didn't give her the letter, maybe I just imagined I did.
So my T has been trying to encourage me to write another letter that talks about communication being necessary to fix the rift in our relationship. I drafted one but haven't sent it and have refused to go any further with it all.
Except now I'm in a bit of a bind. I knew I'd have to talk to mum about all this one day, but I really wasn't ready for it yet. Not secure enough in myself yet. But I kind of got unwittingly thrown into a confrontation. I don't feel able to move forward with the conflict. But not dealing with it is very unsafe for me. There's the constant possibility that today could be the day mum calls me out of the blue. I refuse to answer the phone now.
And I'm totally unprepared for if she does call. I'll be running on autopilot which could be anything depending on which part comes out.
We've since passed the two month mark and I still haven't heard boo from her. It's at the stage where I want her gone. I don't want her as my mother anymore. I want a new one.
poster:littleone
thread:674145
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/674145.html