Posted by littleone on August 7, 2006, at 22:07:27
In reply to Re: Confronting my mum » littleone, posted by fairywings on August 7, 2006, at 15:49:18
> did you and your husband ever come to terms over his going without you? I'm sorry it went that way.
No, but I guess I made peace with it myself. I ended up deciding that if I could choose to not visit my mum in spite of what he thought, then he could choose to visit her in spite of what I thought.
I don't think he understands very much at all about abuse, trauma, attachment, etc so he really doesn't understand at all why I'm not talking to her at the moment.
I've tried to explain some simple stuff to him a few times, so he gets it a little bit, but it's hard for me because he gets mad and I feel attacked. Then I feel young and can't put logical points forward which makes it look like I don't have an answer for whatever it is he's arguing.
> It sounds as though your mother blames you to make herself feel better and in your suffering she has some satisfaction?I do think her blaming is a defense mechanicism designed to make herself feel better. I don't think that she would actually get satisfaction out of my suffering. It's probably more an unconscious pattern rather than a malicious one.
However, I do think she would get a lot of satisfaction out of the ignoring. Once again, not from my suffering as such, but rather because I rush in to make her feel better. Like I give her negative pattern a lot of positive reinforcement.
> I agree with Elaine...writing things out can reveal a lot of feelings, and in the process sometimes it helps figure out how to approach something. Thinking of all the senarios, and how to respond might help you get things off your chest.Yeah, I really should do this. I'm just so scared of this whole thing. It makes it real hard to approach it and work on it.
> Will you hold your ground until your mother comes to you?
I still haven't decided if I'll send a letter re communication to her or wait for a response from her. Either way at the moment I'm pretty sure I won't fall into my old trap of running over to make it all better for her. I can see that that would be very bad for me.
Although that will probably fall down the gurgler if the young part who feels bad bad bad gets triggered.
poster:littleone
thread:674145
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/674698.html