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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
I swear that I'm not depressed. I have a beautiful 8
month-old baby daughter, a loving partner and own a
great house with views to match. When my baby laughs,
I get such an incredible endorphin rush that I could
not possibly be depressed. I feel good about my life
circumstances and am happy to be alive.But my world is very small, too small to be healthy.
Most of the time, I have little interest in anything or anyone outside of my
immediate family world. I have no interest in
socialising and dread getting visitors, partly because
I just can't be bothered making conversation and
partly because I've never felt secure/confident in the
world `out there'.Worst of all, I am nowhere near as productive as other
mothers. I take good care of the baby and house but
that's about it. I'm always putting off attending to
business affairs and just don't seem to have the
motivation to make things happen. This frustrates my
partner, who eventually feels resentful, because he
works full-time and ends up organising a lot of our
affairs (such as researching and buying a new car and
blinds for the house) himself. Even on nights that my
baby doesn't wake with teething, I toss and turn until
4am and then try to catch up on my sleep in the
mornings. I get up slowly at 11am, take ages having a
shower, getting a coffee etc. The scariest thing
about this is that my mind is completely blank when I
first get up and doesn't switch on for several hours!I have always hated waking up and starting the day as
I dread the `rush' that the whole world seems to be
in. If I could live on my own terms, I would plod
along slowly in the morning, gradually acting on
little bursts of energy that hit later in the
afternoon. But we live in a productivity-based,
morning orientated world and I need to do an
about-turn. How??? i drink 3 cups of coffee every
morning but that only helps a little. I just cannot seem to get `wired' until late in the day!Apparently other mothers are up at dawn, regardless of
how much sleep they have had, and rush about cleaning
at 6am before heading out to do errands in the morning
and returning home to cook dinner in the early
afternoon. (My partner knows other women who
have 3 kids and work, while still managing to do all
of this.) Apparently all the dishes are washed and
the kids are bathed by 4pm. I, on the other hand, am
still `on duty' at night, cooking, making formula,
bathing etc and always seem to have loose ends at the end of the day.My partner has been good about all of this but finds it hard to relax in the evening after work because I am still making noises in the kitchen etc. Yet I lack the motivation to change my ways.
I just can't seem to get going in the morning. Do I
need meds? From past experience, I know that SSRIs
make me want to sleep even more.
Sometimes I think that stimulants could help but I am
prone to anxiety and wonder whether or not this would
just compound the problem. In the past I had a lot of
problems with anxious depression. These days I seem
to semi-hibernate to protect myself from anxiety and,
while life is far more comfortable this way, I'm far
from functional.
Am I depressed (with low norepinephrine) or just plain
lazy??? I actually feel quite low and flat in the mornings but my mood escalates as the day progresses.I desperately need to change in one way or
another in order to become a better partner. It's not
fair of me to coast along like this in this
comfortable little world of mine. I'm
also afraid that one day I'll look back and see that
life has passed me by. So where is my motivation???Desperately trying to heal our relationship!
TIAAlara
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 10:02:36
In reply to Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression?, posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
Please don't compare yourself to other moms. Everyone has their own style, and there's no right or wrong. I suspect that for evolutionary reasons, moms are inclined to superfocus on their babies in those first months. And that's perfectly ok. You love and delight in her, and that's wonderful.
So other mothers and housework aside, I can understand wanting to build a better relationship with your husband. Is it possible to get couples counseling? Preferably with someone who understands the issues of new motherhood. We have a Parenting Center in our city that was really a lot of help after my son's birth. Do you have one in your area?
Posted by LegWarmers on December 13, 2005, at 11:25:48
In reply to Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression?, posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
I think...
I suffer from a form of this. Lack of motivation, although it sounds as though it may be a result of social anxiety for you?
I am selectively motivated and it really differs from those around me, but, if it works for me (not sure it does as of yet) then so what. Maybe you could try to find a balance, like Dinah suggested, couples therapy might be useful. But don't be hard on yourself for not being like others! Sleep is important! Your baby is still young too, you are still adjusting I bet. From wha tI read, it sounds like maybe sleeping medication is worth a try? when are sleep cycles are out of whack it can really make us feel spaced out during the day. I too wake slowly, really slowly. But I have noticed that if I go to sleep at a reasonalble hour and I sleep through the night whether it be because of sleeping aids or natural the next day is easier. Obviously a baby changes your flexibilty with sleep options, but Id talk to a doctor about medications.
Good luck
Posted by Anneke on December 13, 2005, at 12:17:08
In reply to Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression?, posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
First of all, congratulations on your baby....and don't underestimate the demands of new motherhood. I know of plenty of moms (myself included) who had trouble just getting a shower and clean clothes on when their kids were babies. And as far as what the infamous "other mothers" are accomplishing, don't believe everything you hear.
My main question is how your current state of being differs from prior to having the baby. I know I found the lack of routine hard once I started staying home. And, the lack of tangible "proof" that I was working hard all day was hard to take too. It's not like you can point to a pile of papers neatly filed on your desk. But, the fact that you're raising a happy, healthy baby is work! Does your partner help you when he is home? How are you communicting with one another? Becoming parents is stressful to any relationship.
I agree that a group for new mothers might be helpful, if you're into that kind of thing. I know it was a lifesaver for me in the early days of motherhood. Sometimes it takes a while to find moms with whom you "click".
As far as what your motivation is....I guess I'd say that beautiful, smiling little girl! And,the fact that you deserve to feel good and alive and fulfilled.
Hope this makes some sense....my three year old is sitting on my lap as I post, so I'm not at my best, but I wanted to respond.
Keep posting and welcome to Babble....Anneke
Posted by Shortelise on December 13, 2005, at 13:26:34
In reply to Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression?, posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
Alara, You know our homrones get all outta whack when we have a baby. And hormones control our moods. So, it stands to reason that our behaviour might change as the result of having a baby. Depression as a result of that is called the baby blues, as everyone knows. But I think little attention may be paid to other changes.
It may be that although you are sleeping, you are not getting rest for some reason. Maybe you are hypersensitive to every sound so you don't sleep deeply enough?
THen there is what a friend of mine called "baby brain". SHe swore that until the kid was a year old, she had a case of stupid that she could not overcome. It started when she was about halfway through her pregnancy, and lasted until the baby waas a year old.
If'n it were me, I'd talk with someone. Start with your doc at baby's next checkup, and be prepared for them to ask if you ever think about harming your baby. They always ask that. Very, very rarely women get that wacky. You are not, obviously.
One of the things I find so helpful about therapy is that my therapist normalises things for me. SOme things that make me feel I'm nuts are in fact not as unusual as I imagine.
As for comparing yourself to others, well, it sounds like it's not helpful.
I don't know what your life has been like, nor what your marriage has been like, but what I imagine is that you've just had a baby, are in that wonderful, dreamy contentment that some parents experience, and you are just having a fine time being with the perfect creature that is your child. It's a very intimate thing, a beautfiul thing.
Soon, there'll be playgroups, and playdates, and walks, swimming, music play, and all sorts of things that will take the two of you out into the world more often.
You might try one of those lights - what are they called?? Dammit. Anyway, they come on in the morning, are like daylight, and are supposed to help wake us up.
But, all that said, I repeat that you might choose to talk with someone. That you are writing to us here hints that maybe there is more underneath, and maybe you know deep down that it's time to ask for a hand.
((Alara))
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 15:21:17
In reply to Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression?, posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
Hello Alara, and welcome to Babble!
> I swear that I'm not depressed. I have a beautiful 8
> month-old baby daughter, a loving partner and own a
> great house with views to match. When my baby laughs,
> I get such an incredible endorphin rush that I could
> not possibly be depressed. I feel good about my life
> circumstances and am happy to be alive.Yay! Congratulations on the baby. She sounds sweet.
> But my world is very small, too small to be healthy.
> Most of the time, I have little interest in anything or anyone outside of my
> immediate family world. I have no interest in
> socialising and dread getting visitors, partly because
> I just can't be bothered making conversation and
> partly because I've never felt secure/confident in the
> world `out there'.Would getting to know other mothers be good for you?
> Worst of all, I am nowhere near as productive as other
> mothers. I take good care of the baby and house but
> that's about it. I'm always putting off attending to
> business affairs and just don't seem to have the
> motivation to make things happen. This frustrates my
> partner, who eventually feels resentful, because he
> works full-time and ends up organising a lot of our
> affairs (such as researching and buying a new car and
> blinds for the house) himself.You say he works full time. And what does he think *you’re* doing?
> Even on nights that my
> baby doesn't wake with teething, I toss and turn until
> 4am and then try to catch up on my sleep in the
> mornings. I get up slowly at 11am, take ages having a
> shower, getting a coffee etc. The scariest thing
> about this is that my mind is completely blank when I
> first get up and doesn't switch on for several hours!Ah yes. Baby brain. I remember it well. Perfectly normal. Your brain will return to its former capacity in a few months. Try not to tax it too much in the mean time. Choosing cars or blinds should be avoided; that’s no kind of work for a new mother : )
> I have always hated waking up and starting the day as
> I dread the `rush' that the whole world seems to be
> in. If I could live on my own terms, I would plod
> along slowly in the morning, gradually acting on
> little bursts of energy that hit later in the
> afternoon. But we live in a productivity-based,
> morning orientated world and I need to do an
> about-turn. How??? i drink 3 cups of coffee every
> morning but that only helps a little. I just cannot seem to get `wired' until late in the day!Well, that’s because you have a baby! Your body is recovering from pregnancy and labour; your hormones are still going wild, and you’re sleep-deprived. Life with a baby is supposed to be slow. Your baby will not be little for very long, so try to enjoy the slow pace while you can!
> Apparently other mothers are up at dawn, regardless of
> how much sleep they have had, and rush about cleaning
> at 6am before heading out to do errands in the morning
> and returning home to cook dinner in the early
> afternoon. (My partner knows other women who
> have 3 kids and work, while still managing to do all
> of this.) Apparently all the dishes are washed and
> the kids are bathed by 4pm. I, on the other hand, am
> still `on duty' at night, cooking, making formula,
> bathing etc and always seem to have loose ends at the end of the day.Yes, I have three kids so I’m familiar with this daily routine. I get up while it’s still dark, do some laundry and clean the bathroom, cook breakfast for everyone, take the kids to school and nursery, arrive at work by 9am, do a high-powered job until 3pm when I pick up the kids, cook dinner, give them all baths and have them in bed by 7pm, managing to squeeze in the washing up before my husband gets home.
Ah, I almost enjoyed that fantasy. Actually, I drag myself out of bed just in time to throw on some clothes and eat a banana before taking the kids to school and nursery (my husband gets up earlier than me and gives them breakfast and dresses them). I start work at 9am, and fortunately there is no one to see me yawning at my desk. I make feeble attempts to get things done until 3pm, when I pick up one kid from school. I do her homework with her, then I pick up the other two kids and cook dinner (I never make anything that involves real preparation; I throw everything in the oven and ignore it for an hour until it’s warm). My husband gets home at dinner time; he bathes the kids and puts them to bed. Then we snap at each other for a couple of hours until we go to bed grumpy. The living room hasn’t been vacuumed for two weeks. There are pots that have been waiting to be washed since Friday, and they seem to be getting impatient. I don’t know where my daughter’s school shoes are.
To an outsider, it probably looks as if I am coping pretty well. But outsiders haven’t seen what’s growing in those pots.
> My partner has been good about all of this but finds it hard to relax in the evening after work because I am still making noises in the kitchen etc. Yet I lack the motivation to change my ways.
And how do *you* relax in the evening after work???
> I just can't seem to get going in the morning. Do I
> need meds? From past experience, I know that SSRIs
> make me want to sleep even more.
> Sometimes I think that stimulants could help but I am
> prone to anxiety and wonder whether or not this would
> just compound the problem. In the past I had a lot of
> problems with anxious depression. These days I seem
> to semi-hibernate to protect myself from anxiety and,
> while life is far more comfortable this way, I'm far
> from functional.Gosh, you’re completely responsible for someone else’s life, 24 hours a day, with no regular breaks and no weekends off and no pay; you’re managing to look after the baby and the house and even get a shower, and this you call ‘far from functional’? I tell you, I’m pretty sure I smelled like a gorilla’s armpit for the first year of my first child’s life, and I certainly wasn’t doing a lot of housework. I think what you're managing to achieve is very impressive.
> Am I depressed (with low norepinephrine) or just plain
> lazy??? I actually feel quite low and flat in the mornings but my mood escalates as the day progresses.You are NOT lazy. You are probably exhausted and you might be depressed, but you are not lazy.
You did mention some signs that you might be depressed: you dread visitors, you’re not sleeping well even when you have the opportunity, and you seem to be feeling guilty about your productivity and your relationship. So you should take those things seriously, because they could indicate depression.
> I desperately need to change in one way or
> another in order to become a better partner. It's not
> fair of me to coast along like this in this
> comfortable little world of mine. I'm
> also afraid that one day I'll look back and see that
> life has passed me by. So where is my motivation???How much does your partner get involved with looking after the baby? I’ve heard that it’s common for the mother to take responsibility for everything (feeding, changing, structured play) and the father can feel left out. And some fathers don’t particularly want to change diapers… But I think if the father does a lot of childcare when he’s at home it can really bring couples closer together.
Also, it might be a good idea to go to the doctor to discuss the possibility that you could be suffering from depression. You might not be, but if you are, I think it’s quite important that you get it treated.It WILL get easier… it just takes a little while. But the most important thing is to enjoy this time as much as possible without feeling guilty about what you’re not getting done, because babies don’t stay small very long.
Tamar
Posted by Alara3 on December 14, 2005, at 8:27:40
In reply to Re: Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression? » Alara3, posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 15:21:17
nah:]
I am glad that you said that: "for evolutionary reasons, moms are inclined to superfocus on their babies in those first months. And that's perfectly ok. You love and delight in her, and that's wonderful." I think that's wonderful too! My partner and I have produced this delightful, gorgeous baby and I am in love! But by the same token I see how Ad's (my partner's) life has grown so much harder: We have just bought a very expensive house and have responsibilities together. I am the SAHM who gets to focus her day around a charming, developing baby! Ad, on the other hand, is under pressure to keep the Big Boss happy. For that reason, I should be doing more to ensure that he has nothing to worry about (car/blind purchases etc) when he comes home at the end of the day. But I've so far lacked the motivation to make things happen. Shame on me.Dinah, thank you. I have suggested couples counselling to Ad many times but, like many men in this macho society, he just won't go!!! The good news is that we often move forward after a fight, particularly if we get things down in email. I guess that we are both prepared to consider our own contributions to relationship problems; that is surely a start.
Leg Warmers: Yes, there is definitely social anxiety involved here. I also relate to the idea of being `selectively motivated'. (Usually my baby daughter is the only motivational force in my life. :-) ) And yes, I know that I can cope so much better with the day ahead if I can get at least 6 hours sleep.Doctors don't want to prescribe sleep meds though, so what can you do??? I take Polaramine (antihistamine approved during breastfeeding) about 3 times a week but even that doesn't always work.
Anneke, you sound as though you're enjoying your 3 y-o as much as I am enjoying this baby. :-) Thanks for the congratulations and for the perspective. You're right. The kind of value that you add to your child's life can never be quantified, and the lack of `tangible proof' at the end of the day can have us doubting ourselves unnecissarily. No, Ad doesn't help much with the practical aspects of Isabella's care. But he loves her so much and knows that I get such a kick out of looking after her that this really isn't an issue!
You are right in that I need to join a mother's group. I am a little concerned that it's too late and that the group will be kind of closed, but you never know unless you try. Life has taught me that you will eventually make friends in places so long as you have the courage to stick around.
Shortelise, I'm definitely not getting any deep sleep. Isabella is teething and so needs me at strange hours. I don't think that I ever sleep properly just in case she needs me!Shortelise, yes: "I don't know what your life has been like, nor what your marriage has been like, but what I imagine is that you've just had a baby, are in that wonderful, dreamy contentment that some parents experience, and you are just having a fine time being with the perfect creature that is your child. It's a very intimate thing, a beautfiul thing."
That is exactly how I feel about my life with my daughter. Is that self-indulgent??? I just wish that I could enjoy it!!!
Tamar: "Ah yes. Baby brain. I remember it well. Perfectly normal. Your brain will return to its former capacity in a few months. Try not to tax it too much in the mean time. Choosing cars or blinds should be avoided; that’s no kind of work for a new mother : )" Thanks Tamar. I'll try to tell Ad this. :-) Definitely know what you mean about the baby brain, even 8 months down the track...
"Babies don't say small very long." That's so true. I wish that Isabella could stay a tiny tot forever...So I must make the most of this and concentrate on what is right! The fact is that I am beautifully blessed.Thank you for your honest responses. :-)
Alara
Posted by fairywings on December 14, 2005, at 21:16:51
In reply to Re: Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression?, posted by Alara3 on December 14, 2005, at 8:27:40
alara,
you do sound content and you're enjoying your baby, that's so great. i agree with dinah, don't compare. i'd keep pushing for couples therapy, just to get an outside perspective on the issues and differences. you sound a lot like me, small world, social anxiety, i find it hard to get motivated, don't care to socialize, but relatively content. at least i thought i was until my t started to probe and make me see that i don't belong anywhere other than in my family. i hope that's not the case for you. i have 4 kids, so i'm busy, don't think i have time for friends.
do you have a t to mull this over with?
fairywings
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