Posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
I swear that I'm not depressed. I have a beautiful 8
month-old baby daughter, a loving partner and own a
great house with views to match. When my baby laughs,
I get such an incredible endorphin rush that I could
not possibly be depressed. I feel good about my life
circumstances and am happy to be alive.But my world is very small, too small to be healthy.
Most of the time, I have little interest in anything or anyone outside of my
immediate family world. I have no interest in
socialising and dread getting visitors, partly because
I just can't be bothered making conversation and
partly because I've never felt secure/confident in the
world `out there'.Worst of all, I am nowhere near as productive as other
mothers. I take good care of the baby and house but
that's about it. I'm always putting off attending to
business affairs and just don't seem to have the
motivation to make things happen. This frustrates my
partner, who eventually feels resentful, because he
works full-time and ends up organising a lot of our
affairs (such as researching and buying a new car and
blinds for the house) himself. Even on nights that my
baby doesn't wake with teething, I toss and turn until
4am and then try to catch up on my sleep in the
mornings. I get up slowly at 11am, take ages having a
shower, getting a coffee etc. The scariest thing
about this is that my mind is completely blank when I
first get up and doesn't switch on for several hours!I have always hated waking up and starting the day as
I dread the `rush' that the whole world seems to be
in. If I could live on my own terms, I would plod
along slowly in the morning, gradually acting on
little bursts of energy that hit later in the
afternoon. But we live in a productivity-based,
morning orientated world and I need to do an
about-turn. How??? i drink 3 cups of coffee every
morning but that only helps a little. I just cannot seem to get `wired' until late in the day!Apparently other mothers are up at dawn, regardless of
how much sleep they have had, and rush about cleaning
at 6am before heading out to do errands in the morning
and returning home to cook dinner in the early
afternoon. (My partner knows other women who
have 3 kids and work, while still managing to do all
of this.) Apparently all the dishes are washed and
the kids are bathed by 4pm. I, on the other hand, am
still `on duty' at night, cooking, making formula,
bathing etc and always seem to have loose ends at the end of the day.My partner has been good about all of this but finds it hard to relax in the evening after work because I am still making noises in the kitchen etc. Yet I lack the motivation to change my ways.
I just can't seem to get going in the morning. Do I
need meds? From past experience, I know that SSRIs
make me want to sleep even more.
Sometimes I think that stimulants could help but I am
prone to anxiety and wonder whether or not this would
just compound the problem. In the past I had a lot of
problems with anxious depression. These days I seem
to semi-hibernate to protect myself from anxiety and,
while life is far more comfortable this way, I'm far
from functional.
Am I depressed (with low norepinephrine) or just plain
lazy??? I actually feel quite low and flat in the mornings but my mood escalates as the day progresses.I desperately need to change in one way or
another in order to become a better partner. It's not
fair of me to coast along like this in this
comfortable little world of mine. I'm
also afraid that one day I'll look back and see that
life has passed me by. So where is my motivation???Desperately trying to heal our relationship!
TIAAlara
poster:Alara3
thread:588608
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/588608.html