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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:21:34
Okay, now that I have started discussing my traumatic past with my therapist, a new fear has arisen. What if my therapist doesn't think my trauma is valid? I mean, what if I tell her everything and she thinks, "Your experience really pales in comparison to some of the others I've heard." What would I do? Now I'm honestly starting to wonder if what happened to me was even traumatic. But, if it wasn't traumatic, then why do I feel like this? Why am I having the problems that I continue to encounter? Why do I dissociate at the drop of a hat? What about the flashbacks and the nightmares? Somebody, please offer some insight.
Elle
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2004, at 9:32:17
In reply to A New Fear, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:21:34
I think it's a perfectly natural fear. When you disclose something important, it's natural to worry about how it's been received.
But I don't think you need to worry. Therapists don't worry about who has it bad enough to "deserve" to be unwell. I didn't have any significant trauma in my life at all, and my therapist is always telling me that a stressful home life coupled with a sensitive disposition is enough cause.
I won't tell you not to worry, because until you really take in how your disclosure was received you probably will worry. But don't worry too much. If you trusted your therapist enough to tell her, I trust your instincts enough to think it won't be received badly.
Posted by DaisyM on July 13, 2004, at 11:00:33
In reply to Re: A New Fear » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2004, at 9:32:17
What you are feeling is really normal. I think it stems from two things.
One is that we all tend to compare ourselves to the worse possible case scenario we can think of. And since we survived whatever happened to us, we discount it. My therapist is really big on "your experience is your experience and your reaction is unique." So someone else might have had the exact same thing happen to them and gone completely in the opposite way I did. So try (it is really hard) to not minimize what happened to you. Minimizing, by the way, is another way of hiding it too. You are making it easier, more OK for the person you are telling it to.The other thing that happens is that there is a part of us that is so protective that even though we told something really awful or hard, the protector voice takes over and says, "gee, now that I've said it, it wasn't so bad. So I can stop talking about it now. Besides, I don't think she (your therapist) is really interested, thinks it is a big deal, etc. etc. So I should just stop talking about it now."
The fear is huge. Old secrets are loaded with old pain. Please know that having just been through this, I still struggle with telling more, going over it again and again and my Therapist has been nothing but receptive and supportive. So you aren't alone. If I can help, please reach out. Babble really, really helped me when I first starting letting stuff out.
Be gentle with yourself.
Posted by B2chica on July 13, 2004, at 11:03:21
In reply to A New Fear, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:21:34
>>Okay, now that I have started discussing my traumatic past with my therapist, a new fear has arisen. What if my therapist doesn't think my trauma is valid?
i think this is a very common fear. I myself am still wondering that. but the fact is you have pain, and you can't compare yours to anyone elses, no one else has your combination of life experiences and your personality so it's like comparing apples to oranges...pointless.
-no matter what has happened, you hurt and you were strong enough to ask for help. it's a process that with the right T guiding you, you WILL overcome, it just takes time. AND if your T does make any comments of the sorts...DROP THEM, they are unprofessional and incompetent and should be reported. You are there for help, NOT to be judged, believe me we get enough of that outside their offices!
(((((((Elle)))))))
please take care and i say jump in with both feet (and dive in for help) but keep a rope near by (know that just because they have a degree DOESN'T make them always 100% right that there are bad T's just like there are GREAT ones!)
You need to take care of you. You DESERVE help and love. If you aren't getting what you need- then you need to find a T that is your match. But you must give this T a chance.
One piece of advice from my T that has REALLY freed me up (i mean changed a lot in my life) is that you CAN NOT control peoples responses, only what You say and how You react to their responses. They are going to react however they will, and if it is bad- it may hurt but you couldn't control that and now you will know if that person is worth it or not.
Best of luck, and give yourself that chance to be open, get help and heal.take care.
B2c.
Posted by Poet on July 13, 2004, at 14:30:52
In reply to A New Fear, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:21:34
Hi Elle,
After almost two years I still have trouble talking in therapy, so I admire your courage.
A few sessions ago I told my therapist that if she really knew me she'd hate me. Her response was that she can't think of anything I could tell her that would cause her to hate me. I don't think you could tell your therapist anything about your past trauma that would cause her to think that it wasn't significant.
Poet
Posted by pegasus on July 13, 2004, at 14:33:56
In reply to A New Fear, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:21:34
I think trauma is whatever is traumatic to someone. It may be falling off your bike. It may be a history of abuse.
I've always maintained that I have no trauma in my past. In one session my T was explaining why he thought EMDR might be helpful for me. I told him that I couldn't see it because I didn't have any traumas to work through. He said that he could think of several things that had traumatized me that I'd told him about. He was including stuff like an old evil boyfriend, a scary disease and surgery, my mom saying my sister was her favorite, my cousin's suicide, etc. A category of the type of stuff that most people can list off. What he was noticing, though, was how it affected me. If it was hard for me to talk about over time, then he considered it to be traumatizing, and something that we needed to work with.
So, what I'm trying to say is that if your T is good, then I'll bet that she won't consider anything you talk about that has traumatized you to be trivial.
Good luck and many hugs. It sounds like you are doing good work.
pegasus
Posted by shortelise on July 13, 2004, at 15:55:25
In reply to A New Fear, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:21:34
if it's traumatic to you, it's traumatic. your T knows that.
Shorte
Posted by 64bowtie on July 13, 2004, at 19:22:14
In reply to A New Fear, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 7:21:34
Elle,
Thanks for bringing this up. If I had to deal with this, I would go ahead and pick a strategy of how to discuss it with the therapist. One strategy might be to point out how the "shadow" of the trauma continues to "blackmail" me, leaving me frantic (or however it makes you feel), and ask the therapist for a suggested strategy to reduce the effect. ...just how I might do it.
"Blackmailing" feelings make me distracted and mess up any decisions I am trying to make. I feel as if I am actually another person looking back at a gimpy me. It's truely icky for me.
The good news ain't from Gieco this time. Its that I haven't been a victim of this "blackmail" in about 15 years. So you CAN get past it.
Best of luck........
Rod
Posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 19:31:52
In reply to Re: A New Fear, posted by DaisyM on July 13, 2004, at 11:00:33
> One is that we all tend to compare ourselves to the worse possible case scenario we can think of. And since we survived whatever happened to us, we discount it.
Oh! You are so right Daisy. I look back at what has happened to me and compare it to other's experiences. Then I think, how can I possibly be traumatized by this when I probably deserved it anyway. I don't like that feeling one bit.
> The other thing that happens is that there is a part of us that is so protective that even though we told something really awful or hard, the protector voice takes over and says, "now that I've said it, it wasn't so bad. So I can stop talking about it now.Yes, I feel like, hey I've told her what the *big* secret was. Now it will take me another 3 years to find a way to describe the events. Sounds sort of overwhelming to me.
> The fear is huge.
Absolutely giant.
>Old secrets are loaded with old pain.
And they really sting.
You be gentle with yourself too Daisy.
((((Daisy))))
Elle
Posted by thewrite1 on July 13, 2004, at 23:43:27
In reply to Re: A New Fear » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2004, at 9:32:17
I can understand that. Just remember that no one has priority on pain.
There's a lot of factors involved, too, like how long it went on, the type of person you are (as opposed to someone else). Some people just deal with things better than others. That doesn't really mean anything, that's just what makes us different.
Now, having said all that, I felt the same way disclosing the things I have to my T.
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:15:21
In reply to Re: A New Fear » Elle2021, posted by Poet on July 13, 2004, at 14:30:52
>I don't think you could tell your therapist anything about your past trauma that would cause her to think that it wasn't significant.
I'm just afraid she is going to say, hey, I agree with X, nothing that bad happened. But, something bad did happen, at least I feel like it did.
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:20:26
In reply to Re: A New Fear, posted by pegasus on July 13, 2004, at 14:33:56
> A category of the type of stuff that most people can list off. What he was noticing, though, was how it affected me. If it was hard for me to talk about over time, then he considered it to be traumatizing, and something that we needed to work with.
That helps me. I guess what happened to me affected me in a bad way. My therapist did validate my claim of trauma. I guess this is just me having a problem with another person in my life who invalidates it. That hurts so much.
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:22:31
In reply to Re: A New Fear -- I got good news... » Elle2021, posted by 64bowtie on July 13, 2004, at 19:22:14
If I had to deal with this, I would go ahead and pick a strategy of how to discuss it with the therapist.
That's a good idea, I'm going to talk to my T about finding a strategy. This is stressful to me and becoming very difficult to deal with.
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:24:29
In reply to Re: A New Fear, posted by thewrite1 on July 13, 2004, at 23:43:27
> Now, having said all that, I felt the same way disclosing the things I have to my T.
It's nice to know I'm not alone. How are you dealing with it?
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:36:41
In reply to Re: A New Fear » Elle2021, posted by B2chica on July 13, 2004, at 11:03:21
> You need to take care of you. You DESERVE help and love.
But I don't feel like I deserve either help or love. Furthermore, I feel like anyone who is remotely attracted to me and would like to develop a relationship with me must have problems of their own. It's not a fun feeling.
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:38:51
In reply to Re: A New Fear » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2004, at 9:32:17
> I won't tell you not to worry, because until you really take in how your disclosure was received you probably will worry.
You know me so well! :) ((((Dinah))))
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 2:55:11
In reply to Re: A New Fear, posted by shortelise on July 13, 2004, at 15:55:25
> if it's traumatic to you, it's traumatic.
Intellectually, I understand that. I just wish I could internalize it.
Elle
Posted by thewrite1 on July 14, 2004, at 13:00:32
In reply to Re: A New Fear » thewrite1, posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:24:29
Day to day. I just keep in mind that everyone does deal with things differently, and I try to tell myself that there is always going to be someone that has in worse than me but that doesn't make my pain any less real.
Posted by Poet on July 14, 2004, at 17:33:20
In reply to Re: A New Fear » Poet, posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:15:21
I've got that fear, too. I have something from my childhood that I hate to talk about. It's my therapist who brought up that it traumatized me. I'm ashamed that I let emotional abuse from so long ago still hurt me, so I deny it's trauma, even though she said it's more psychologically damaging to keep it inside.
Maybe what traumatized you seems to be so small and unimportant, but deep inside the pain is real and valid and your therapist, like mine, recognizes it.
Maybe someday I'll open up in therapy, I sure pay enough to sit and stare.
Poet
Posted by B2chica on July 15, 2004, at 11:27:23
In reply to Re: A New Fear » B2chica, posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:36:41
Elle dear, you may not feel like it. but BELIEVE me. you do!!
remember you are not there because your life has been perfect. you are there because you struggle, and you do need help and love.
-you know i can't help but feel like a hypocrit writing this cuz i understand Exactly what you are feeling. i Truly don't feel i deserve any help. but yet i do continue to go to sessions, so there must be a part of me (even if it comes from curiosity) that knows i need help. So maybe hang to that, maybe you don't feel it but you know you need it. and in time (please trust me) when you start to deal with some of your difficulties and can work through them, you will then know that you do/did deserve help and love.
i am So sorry you are feeling this way. and to your comment about persons near with own issues. i have noticed that my closest friends (all two of them) do infact have their own issues both in present and in past. and i think that that old saying "birds of a feather, flock together" holds some bearing. i think that it's actually ok for friends because who else can be more supportive than someone who understands from personal experience?
however with a partner you do need to be a little cautious because you may end up always being the support for them, thus making it easy to ignore our own issues, or unwillingly tuck them down deeper and this (as i am learning the hard way) will ALWAYS come back up, and probably at a very "inconvienent" time (to say the least).and honey, none of this feels good. but as time goes on, and if you continue to get help (whether or not you think you deserve it) things WILL get better. unfortunately as i have been told many times and will now pass this wisdom along, things will probably get (or feel) worse before they get better. but PLEASE just hang in there. know you are loved and supported here. Just look at how many people responded to your post. We all understand and want to help you. That alone speaks volumes about your deserving help and love.
there are many here that care about you dear.
Please hang in there and just give us a shout when you need us (or even if you don't)
here's a big hug just for you
((((((((((ELLE))))))))))))b2c.
>>But I don't feel like I deserve either help or love. Furthermore, I feel like anyone who is remotely attracted to me and would like to develop a relationship with me must have problems of their own. It's not a fun feeling.
>
> Elle
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