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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 33. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sarahmarie on May 11, 2002, at 18:34:56
Can someone give me a good definition of the characteristics of this personality type. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and OCD, but also possibly Borderline Personality Disorder. I would just like to know more about this particular problem. Thanks SarahMarie
Posted by Phil on May 11, 2002, at 19:17:25
In reply to What is Borderline Personality Disorder?, posted by Sarahmarie on May 11, 2002, at 18:34:56
Here's one source
Posted by Phil on May 11, 2002, at 19:21:20
In reply to Re: What is Borderline Personality Disorder?, posted by Phil on May 11, 2002, at 19:17:25
This is better
Posted by Sarahmarie on May 12, 2002, at 11:38:24
In reply to Re: What is Borderline Personality Disorder?, posted by Phil on May 11, 2002, at 19:21:20
> This is better
>
>
> http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.htmlThanks for the links to all the information, I printed a lot of it out and read it. It definitely gives me a different perspective of Borderline Personality Disorder. However, I plan on discussing this more thoroughly with my therapist. There are so many aspects of this disorder that just don't seem to fit for me and yet there are things like: "abandonment fears", dysphoria, that make sense. I will explore this in more detail this week, as I hope to understand the disorder more thoroughly. If, in fact, I do have this problem, I want to take immediate remedial steps to affect positive change in my life that will be necessary to cope with this diagnosis.
Thanks for the input.
Posted by katekite on May 14, 2002, at 13:07:00
In reply to Re: What is Borderline Personality Disorder? » Phil, posted by Sarahmarie on May 12, 2002, at 11:38:24
The diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is perhaps the worst diagnosis to get. There is a stigma around it. One doesn't want it unless its accurate, if it is accurate then diagnosis is important for good treatment and of course you want it despite any stigma.
Don't take it lightly and agree to having any symptoms or problems that you think are within the normal realm. ie if you don't make "frantic" attempts to avoid abandonment then don't say so. Most people make some attempt to avoid abandonment. And people with abandonment issues make big attempts to avoid abandonment, but do not have to be borderline to do so. Borderline also requires thinking that people are either good and nice and on your side or mean and against you. Either/or with no inbetween (at least that's my interpretation). Sort of like little kids where people are frends one minute and not the next, where they are enemies over not sharing an ice cream bar or over playing with someone else. If borderline is a possibility, maybe take the mmpi test to see if you fall in the fairly normal range of 'borderline tendencies', or the abnormal range of 'borderline personality'. Often depression or something else will most likely account for much of it. Most of us when depressed or anxious get the idea that our close friends would rather be hanging out with someone else, and we tend to withdraw, even be a little paranoid, be extra sensitive, etc. So make sure that any questionable behavior isn't explained by something else.
Then again, if one does test out into the borderline range, make sure depression, bipolar, anxiety, medical problems are all treated well -- as its never as bad as when something is out of control.
It seems to me like another one of these catch all diagnoses for people who feel chronic emptiness and don't have depression or anxiety extreme enough to call it the primary problem. If they have abandonment issues or have had abuse in their lives its easy to take their issues and call them borderline. When really that may not be it.
Many therapists will not be happy to take on a new borderline client as they tend to have real and fake suicide attempts, calls during the middle of the night etc, just needing much more support than others. They also apparently tend to progress in therapy pretty slowly (at least without meds). Stressful and frustrating for the therapist. This is not to say that they don't deserve the support 100% and that life is not a continual agony for a borderline person, it is. But one can often get quicker better therapy without that diagnosis.There is controversy over which meds are the best for borderline personality disorder. Some say mood stabilizers, some say ssris. It seems like it probably depends on what the other issues are, whether moodiness is a huge problem or whether depression or anxiety is worse.
I'm not saying its not a real diagnosis for some few people, just that I have read, heard etc it overdiagnosed.
kate
Posted by sid on May 14, 2002, at 20:16:27
In reply to Re: What is Borderline Personality Disorder?, posted by katekite on May 14, 2002, at 13:07:00
My doc has been trying to convince me that I have BPD, but I don't think I have it. I've been trying to learn about this too and I'm somewhat annoyed at how vague descriptions are. What's the mmpi test?
Next time I see my doc (next week), I'll ask her why she thinks I have that problem.
I never attempted suicide, I like solitude, my life is pretty stable (too much even? I could have more fun... but I've been depressed so long, I can't solve everything at once...); I don't see how she thinks I have BPD. She would like me to participate in group therapy for people with BPD - I absolutely loathe group therapy. I tried it once and promised myself I'd never waste my time that way again. I spilled my guts, helped others, and they left, one after another, without even telling the group, i.e., violating rule #1 for participation. Out of 12 people, only I and another woman stood by all rules. We both felt used and left at the same time in the end. It was a pointless experience. I don't see why I'd try it again, especially not with people with BPD when I don't thing I fit the profile.
Anyway - any insight? I'm still puzzled with my doc. She's been quite antagonistic the last two times I saw her, and I'm not sure why. She also keeps saying that my desire to remain single and celibate is abnormal, while I think it's really none of her business. Overall, our next meeting should be interesting. Unless I don't feel like arguing with her and I just ask for my prescription and leave. I never asked her for therapy, and I'm not even sure she's qualified for it either - she is s GP after all.
I guess our next meeting is bothering me... I'm apprehending it. But I manage not to think about it much - I just take my Effexor XR each day and I feel fine.
Would a person with BPD say that? I have no clue. Still not clear to me what BPD is.- sid
Posted by terra miller on May 14, 2002, at 20:58:40
In reply to Re: What is Borderline Personality Disorder? » katekite, posted by sid on May 14, 2002, at 20:16:27
very early on in my therapy, my therapist thought i was BPD, too. it made me really mad. the only problem with getting really mad and disbelieving it is that only reinforces the belief that you are BPD in their mind! it drove me insane. it wasn't until later on after working with me for some time that it was more obvious that i had dissociative issues, which explained why my therapist first thought BPD. but it's still taken me some time to get over that and i still haven't completely just yet.
so i agree- it's good to have the right dx, but make sure it's the right one someway.
terra
Posted by mist on May 15, 2002, at 10:59:43
In reply to Re: What is Borderline Personality Disorder?, posted by katekite on May 14, 2002, at 13:07:00
Since chronic emptiness is a symptom of BPD, I'm wondering what it is (to see if I have it). What does chronic emptiness feel like, or how does it make you behave?
> The diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is perhaps the worst diagnosis to get. There is a stigma around it. One doesn't want it unless its accurate, if it is accurate then diagnosis is important for good treatment and of course you want it despite any stigma.
>
> Don't take it lightly and agree to having any symptoms or problems that you think are within the normal realm. ie if you don't make "frantic" attempts to avoid abandonment then don't say so. Most people make some attempt to avoid abandonment. And people with abandonment issues make big attempts to avoid abandonment, but do not have to be borderline to do so. Borderline also requires thinking that people are either good and nice and on your side or mean and against you. Either/or with no inbetween (at least that's my interpretation). Sort of like little kids where people are frends one minute and not the next, where they are enemies over not sharing an ice cream bar or over playing with someone else. If borderline is a possibility, maybe take the mmpi test to see if you fall in the fairly normal range of 'borderline tendencies', or the abnormal range of 'borderline personality'. Often depression or something else will most likely account for much of it. Most of us when depressed or anxious get the idea that our close friends would rather be hanging out with someone else, and we tend to withdraw, even be a little paranoid, be extra sensitive, etc. So make sure that any questionable behavior isn't explained by something else.
>
> Then again, if one does test out into the borderline range, make sure depression, bipolar, anxiety, medical problems are all treated well -- as its never as bad as when something is out of control.
>
> It seems to me like another one of these catch all diagnoses for people who feel chronic emptiness and don't have depression or anxiety extreme enough to call it the primary problem. If they have abandonment issues or have had abuse in their lives its easy to take their issues and call them borderline. When really that may not be it.
>
> Many therapists will not be happy to take on a new borderline client as they tend to have real and fake suicide attempts, calls during the middle of the night etc, just needing much more support than others. They also apparently tend to progress in therapy pretty slowly (at least without meds). Stressful and frustrating for the therapist. This is not to say that they don't deserve the support 100% and that life is not a continual agony for a borderline person, it is. But one can often get quicker better therapy without that diagnosis.
>
> There is controversy over which meds are the best for borderline personality disorder. Some say mood stabilizers, some say ssris. It seems like it probably depends on what the other issues are, whether moodiness is a huge problem or whether depression or anxiety is worse.
>
> I'm not saying its not a real diagnosis for some few people, just that I have read, heard etc it overdiagnosed.
>
> kate
Posted by judy1 on May 15, 2002, at 18:21:32
In reply to What is Borderline Personality Disorder?, posted by Sarahmarie on May 11, 2002, at 18:34:56
I have to agree with some of the other posters here- you really don't want this diagnosis. It's a catch-all one, I've had it along with shizophrenia, etc. I've heard people say BPD stands for bitch-pissed-doc, especially since pdocs usually apply it to young women who all have issues anyway. Honestly, I don't think it exists- mood swings are bipolar, dissociative episodes belong in dissociation disorder and cutting is a lousy coping skill. I would fight this label, like other's said nobody wants to treat you. Good luck- Judy
Posted by judy1 on May 15, 2002, at 18:25:17
In reply to Re: What is chronic emptiness?, posted by mist on May 15, 2002, at 10:59:43
To me it's a symptom of depression- the feeling like you have nothing worthwhile in your life, no true personality- I've used it when I was afraid to be alone, didn't feel 'real', almost a dissociative state. Hope this helps- Judy
Posted by katekite on May 16, 2002, at 10:42:15
In reply to Re: What is chronic emptiness?, posted by mist on May 15, 2002, at 10:59:43
That's hard to answer. Because chronic emptiness is a feature of depression too. And I don't have either BPD or depression right now so can't remember really....
I think just this expansive loneliness and feeling of being on a raft in the middle of an endless ocean, a little cold, not quite enough food, etc. That's what I assume.... but I'm not sure.
kate
Posted by katekite on May 16, 2002, at 10:53:55
In reply to Re: What is Borderline Personality Disorder? » katekite, posted by sid on May 14, 2002, at 20:16:27
So a GP is not the person who can diagnose a personality disorder, any personality disorder! Unless they also happen to have a degree in counseling, a masters or doctorate in psychology, or be a psychiatrist on the side.
No one but someone qualified, ie someone credentialed in counseling, or a psychiatrist, should attempt to diagnose something so tricky.
What I'm wondering is if you are maybe a little argumentative or did something that pissed them off (like not following med instructions etc or calling with a silly question), that you don't have a lot of close relationships, that you got fed up with group therapy. (I would have too under those circumstances). They want to explain it somehow.
Don't get therapy for BPD if it hasn't been correctly diagnosed.
I can't answer if you sound like someone with BPD from your message.... no idea.
It does sound like you're concerned about it though, so maybe see a real psychologist and get evaluated. Then if it turns out you really are, you could ask around and see if this BPD group is well recommended or not.
Your doc sounds a little kooky.
kate
Posted by sid on May 16, 2002, at 11:26:51
In reply to GP telling you this sid?, posted by katekite on May 16, 2002, at 10:53:55
Thanks Kate.
Well, I'm angry with my family a lot. But I have reasons to be (see below). I never talked of group therapy with my doc. I don't like groups in general - referring to the Meyers-Briggs personality types, I'm INTP. I'll bring her some literature on INTPs, she'll get the drift. This is who I am, period.
The clinic she recommended is very good, but they treat people with several previous suicide attempts, problems in social functioning, who went to prison, who self-mutilate, etc. I don't correspond to any of that. I'd feel like a dog on a bowling alley if I went there. I've had depression for 8 years and dysthymia for 21 years. That screws a person up, with or without BPD. I was very angry and agressive during my major depression, but that's over now. I have problems with my family that are not resolved, and they will never be. I've learned to live with that, except at times, it still gets to me. My brother-in-law sexually abuse me most of my life and he refuses to apologize for it - apparently I don't have a sense of humour. It was funny to him. It still is - he does not touch me anymore (I threatened to kill him if he ever did again - it took that much for the moron to get that it was inappropriate), but he still says a lot of stuff. What he'd like me to do and what he'd like to do to me. He also says that if I ever have kids it'll be through artificial insemination - he's too stupid to realize that if I don't have a boyfriend, it's because of him. Well. So my doc thinks I'm BPD because I don't have a boyfriend and I don't want one. Easy to understand: I was disgusted by men at an early age - anybody can understand that much. And no, that does not make me a lesbian; I get that question all the time and I,m so fed up of having to defend my lifestyle, even with my doc, for goodness' sake! It just makes me someone who'd rather live her life independently and never have anyone tell what to do, when to do it or how to do it. Freedom and happiness are what I strive for. I never attempted suicide, I never self-mutilated, I always pay my credit card bills in full at the end of each month, I don't gamble, I have few, but very close, friends, etc. If my doc is not happy with that, that's fine, I don't live to please her. I couldn't care less about her opinion of me.
However, if she continues to bother me with that, I will ask for a referral to see someone else. I don't have to waste my energy defending myself this way. It's funny, because she also treats my sister for depression and she told her she doesn't need meds. My sister literally hits her head on the wall at times because she gets so angry and out of control with daily things, such as washing the dishes - her kids even make jokes about it. And the doc dumps this BPD crap on ME. Also, my sister saw her husband abuse me many times and laughed! But I'm the one who's supposedly screwed up. I speak 5 languages, I'm a University professor, and my sister cannot go to the garage alone to get her car fixed, but I'm the one with BPD. I went away with herm her husband and my Mom last weekend, and she did not leave my side one minute! What are you doing? Where are you going? Can I go with you? I almost told her to let me breathe a bit. I wanted to sip a beer at the hotel bar and work (I brought correction to do with me - final exam time), but I couldn't even do that. She stuck to me like... I don't even know what. But our doc thinks I have BPD. Go figure that one out!
Anyway. I need to just forget about this. I've gone to therapists several years and nobody ever told me I had BPD. I was simply told I'm INTP, and it explains my detachment from reality (daily tasks bore me to death), my interest for abstract concepts (University professor), and my need for solitude on a daily basis to get some energy. I do believe I should see someone else (a pdoc or another GP) because I'm losing confidence in this doc; I don't like to be controlled, not even by a doc. She keeps telling me that I need to change, and frankly, it's none of her business. I don't ask her about her sex life! Why does she bother me? I go to her for a prescription, period. I did the therapy thing, I changed what I wanted to change, the rest I'm fine with.
There - that was a mouthful!!! :-)
- sid
Posted by sid on May 16, 2002, at 11:34:29
In reply to Re: What is chronic emptiness?, posted by mist on May 15, 2002, at 10:59:43
> Since chronic emptiness is a symptom of BPD, I'm wondering what it is (to see if I have it). What does chronic emptiness feel like, or how does it make you behave?
Well, if it doesn't ring a bell, you don't have it! I had chronic emptiness during depression. Certainly not now. It's basically feeling empty, feeling like something is constantly missing, but what? Happiness probably. Health? This feeling of neediness of something you can't even identify.
- sid
Posted by katekite on May 16, 2002, at 12:46:39
In reply to Re: GP telling you this sid? » katekite, posted by sid on May 16, 2002, at 11:26:51
Docs can be very annoying. I've switched several times just because personalities get in the way -- for example one was I missed a couple appointments (ADD) and they started getting on me every time about it, which I didn't need.
You should switch docs. I wouldn't wait for her to continue to bother you about this issue, because you've already lost trust in her. Find someone really intelligent who can say 'I don't know', who quotes statistics and doesn't say 'this will help'. These are the types of docs intelligent people need. Then if you ask them if they think you have a personality disorder and they say yes, you might actually believe them and get evaluated for it (they would suggest evaluation, not a jump to group therapy). This woman will not change.
I understand about the not-lesbian just not into having an annoying hubby. Not myself, but a couple good friends just aren't constructed out of the particular mold that society says we should be. Ironically men get away with this so much easier. At least the ivory tower doesn't care. You do not need to make any explanation for how you feel. Some people were meant to be single.
You do sound like you have a lot of anger. And totally have unresolved issues with your siblings. Ie can't tell them to 'f#^k off' when they deserve it, LOL. Obviously this is just an email impression.... the main thing is if you are happy enough with how things are for that to be good enough forever. Otherwise a therapist would be the person to see (not a dumb touchy feely one, you have to find someone smarter than yourself who will challenge you, if its going to go anywhere... not many around most likely, but possible.) My husband just found one, he's a professor as well. He says each time is like a puzzle or a challenging cross-word, stimulates his brain and he comes away tired but feeling like he has improved his life. Generally I come away from therapy a bit confused why I went, I talked the whole time and feel no different -- I think a lot has to do with the therapist.
So switch GPs!
kate
Posted by sid on May 16, 2002, at 15:00:14
In reply to Re: GP telling you this sid?, posted by katekite on May 16, 2002, at 12:46:39
Hi again, kate.
Actually, I only had one psychotherapist that I considered intelligent enough to be useful. Others were feely-touchy or trying to manipulate me but in a way that was so obvious it was almost funny. And I e-mailed him this morning ! I had gone through a number of psych tests back then, so I e-mailed to ask him about BPD. He said it is unlikely in my case. I am INTP (I remembered that much), and I had symptoms of dysthymia. Which is what I've been telling my doc. I'm bringing a copy of his message. If she continues to bother me, I'll switch.
About my family - yeah, unresolved issues. I wish I had the guts to just tell them off, for good. Divorce them altogether. Except my mother with whom I get along. My brother in law is an SOB and my sister is too dependent on him to even realize it. She's clingy these days and very needy. He's going fishing for the weekend so she just called to go have dinner with me tomorrow night. It's OK, we'll have fun. As long as he's not there, I can survive. For some reason, I keep taking care of everyone - I seem to be a resource in high demand! When I'm not doing well though, I'm alone in the world and I'm told to get over it and get a life. Blablabla. Sorry about the rambling.
You're clearly right about the unresolved issues. The anger? At this point, about the abuse, mostly, and about men. It's like I need to meet a guy who will set things right... and frankly, why would I impose so much pressure on anyone? In the meantime, of course, I only meet jerks, which reinforces my negative impression of them. Some day perhaps I'll have someone in my life, but for now, I have a career to establish, financial problems to address (it was fun to study so long, but at some point I need some stability and to pay my student loans), etc. My doc would like me to go out, meet people, make friends, get a boyfriend, etc. At my age (34), it's not so easy anymore, and when I get home at night, I just want a glass of wine and some peace and quiet. For once I feel good (I've been on meds for 6 months, after 21 yrs of dysthymia), I don't feel like changing everything in my life - I'm barely getting my bearings back.
Well, I'm glad my former therapist responded so fast. I won't think about this BPD stuff anymore! I do have other issues, which I am aware of, but I am in no hurry to deal with. I do believe it's my prerogative.
- sid
Posted by katekite on May 16, 2002, at 20:36:43
In reply to Re: GP telling you this sid? » katekite, posted by sid on May 16, 2002, at 15:00:14
Hey that's good news.
Awesome about feeling better after probably thinking dysthymia was completely you and that life was simply like that.
I could really use a good therapist -- what state is this person in?Sorry this is so far off track from discussion of meds.
kate
Posted by mist on May 16, 2002, at 22:32:14
In reply to Re: What is chronic emptiness? » mist, posted by sid on May 16, 2002, at 11:34:29
judy, katekite, sid,
Thank you for the descriptions of chronic emptiness. I think I might have something like that as part of my depression although I had never used that term to describe it. -mist
Posted by sid on May 17, 2002, at 6:58:51
In reply to Re: GP telling you this sid?, posted by katekite on May 16, 2002, at 20:36:43
He's in DC. Rather intellectual, or at least he was with me. Often people find me too distanced from them, not outgoing enough, etc... Including therapists. He had no problem with that, because he is a bit like that. At the same time, he has some warmth in him that made me feel at ease. At first I thought it would not work - I preferred a woman therapist, and someone closer to my culture (he's Asian). But he turned out to be the most helpful of the therapists I ever went to. Weird how things turn out sometimes.
Posted by Essence on May 17, 2002, at 16:14:46
In reply to Re: GP telling you this sid?, posted by sid on May 17, 2002, at 6:58:51
What does INTP mean?
Posted by IsoM on May 18, 2002, at 1:22:38
In reply to What is INTP? , posted by Essence on May 17, 2002, at 16:14:46
It's all nicely explained at http://www.personalitypage.com/high-level.html
You might get a kick out of checking what you are. INTP refers to one of 16 types of personality according to Myer-Briggs profiles."INTP are logical, original, creative thinkers. Can become very excited about theories and ideas. Exceptionally capable and driven to turn theories into clear understandings. Highly value knowledge, competence and logic. Quiet and reserved, hard to get to know well. Individualistic, having no interest in leading or following others."
Posted by jane d on May 20, 2002, at 11:49:12
In reply to Re: GP telling you this sid? » katekite, posted by sid on May 16, 2002, at 11:26:51
Is there any chance your GP got your sister and you mixed up? Just a thought.
Posted by sid on May 20, 2002, at 17:41:55
In reply to Re: GP telling you this sid? » sid, posted by jane d on May 20, 2002, at 11:49:12
I wish ! But I don't think so. In any case, I know I don't have BPD - former therapist said highly unlikely, I don't find that I fit the profile, etc.
My problem is VERY simple. I'm angry at my brother in law and at men in general for sexually harrassing and abusing me for more than 25 years. I'm angry at my family for not defending me. My doc feels that my anger is a sign of a personality disorder. I think that anger is sometimes completely justified, as is the case here. Since he continues and since nobody is defending me still, I am still angry. He harrassed me just yesterday, in front of my mom, his wife and his daughter ! Nobody said much, although my sister did react, for once. I just left to go shopping with my niece - as opposed to beating the crap out of him. If my doc thinks I'm crazy for that, so be it. As I left, I overheard him tell my sister, who was giving him a hard time about what he'd done, "it's part of her psychological health." Yeah, that's what pedophiles tell their victims. Seeing him lie in my bed, masturbating, yeah, it really helps my health. He started doing things to me when I was 8 years old too. I left yesterday because otherwise I would have become incredibly angry and he's not worth the energy. Dammit I have a PhD and I'm 34... and he still treats me like that. Wow. Anyhow, my sister and I will have a nice talk - nevermore do I want to see this man. I gave him many chances and he ruined it every time.
I have told my mom that I never want to be in the same place as him again. In the future, when they visit, I will go away for the day. I will tell the same to my sister. I don't bother talking to him because I don't consider him a human being.
I don't have BPD, I simply have a brother in law from hell. Unfortunately, there is no med for that yet (I had to talk about meds since this is on PB! :-) ).
- sid
Posted by ZH389 on October 13, 2002, at 1:11:23
In reply to Re: What is chronic emptiness? » mist, posted by judy1 on May 15, 2002, at 18:25:17
I have BPD, been searching all over : books, internet to be able to understand the 'real' meaning of this & also what they meant by being 'dissociative'. A few terms I couldn't figure out.
As for chronic emptyness, well, I read somewhere a line that really did 'make sense' to me. They kind of explain it like the Borderline wakes up everyday wandering if he/she is 'alive'. Is the pure core of 'existence, that is empty! Versus I think depression, is more like a down that goes on & on. BPD are so in 'need' to feel alive that, yeah, we 'hurt' physically ourselves. Even my own passions, activities I 'enjoy' are NOT enough to fill in this whole inside. Nothing is BIG or GOOD enough to fulfill it...There are no 'tomorrows', just moment per moment in an infinite lapse of time where we have no idea where it will lead to. At time, depression kicks in after many attempts to fill ourself and feel worthed and as 'whole', as a human being, but when many attemps failed...suicide thoughts & acts occurs. And those acts are mostly done by a mountain of frustrations rather then a depression. I feel this 'emptyness' like if us, the Borderlines, were more demanding to ourself then the general people, that the things that keep the others going with their life are way not enough for us. I just don't know how to get rid of such emptyness...very hard to live with. I recenlty save the life of a friend, now raising funds for someone who is sick,etc..doing 'grandiose' actions and humane things...and guess what?....I still feel empty and worthless. And what I did good is gone the next minute, like it never existed. Back, trapped in this hole we call 'internal' hell.
Posted by cybercafe on October 13, 2002, at 11:52:56
In reply to Re: Chronic emptiness? Is HELL for a BPD, posted by ZH389 on October 13, 2002, at 1:11:23
i used to think that was a symptom of my depression... but i find it actually responds well to a benzo .... like it's a symptom of anxiety? it's like a kind of rumination... or... uneasy feeling ... like things just aren't going right... like you're missing something.... tends to go away when i take klonazepam ...
oh yeah, and i think having a girlfriend might help too
> I have BPD, been searching all over : books, internet to be able to understand the 'real' meaning of this & also what they meant by being 'dissociative'. A few terms I couldn't figure out.
>
> As for chronic emptyness, well, I read somewhere a line that really did 'make sense' to me. They kind of explain it like the Borderline wakes up everyday wandering if he/she is 'alive'. Is the pure core of 'existence, that is empty! Versus I think depression, is more like a down that goes on & on. BPD are so in 'need' to feel alive that, yeah, we 'hurt' physically ourselves. Even my own passions, activities I 'enjoy' are NOT enough to fill in this whole inside. Nothing is BIG or GOOD enough to fulfill it...There are no 'tomorrows', just moment per moment in an infinite lapse of time where we have no idea where it will lead to. At time, depression kicks in after many attempts to fill ourself and feel worthed and as 'whole', as a human being, but when many attemps failed...suicide thoughts & acts occurs. And those acts are mostly done by a mountain of frustrations rather then a depression. I feel this 'emptyness' like if us, the Borderlines, were more demanding to ourself then the general people, that the things that keep the others going with their life are way not enough for us. I just don't know how to get rid of such emptyness...very hard to live with. I recenlty save the life of a friend, now raising funds for someone who is sick,etc..doing 'grandiose' actions and humane things...and guess what?....I still feel empty and worthless. And what I did good is gone the next minute, like it never existed. Back, trapped in this hole we call 'internal' hell.
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