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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by TexasChic on October 14, 2004, at 22:01:23
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 17:36:01
I don't guess I consider myself an alcholic, but I do have a big problem with self control. When I do drink, its to excess. In the past year I experienced blackouts for the first time. People would tell me things I said that I couldn't for the life of me remember. There were times I didn't remember driving home or anything else past a certain time of night. The funny thing is I really don't like drinking that much. I rarely do it alone. But when I'm out partying with people, I have no limits.
What I do like to do alone is smoke pot. When I have it, I can't not smoke it. If I want to watch a movie, clean the house, go to the store - hey, its all more fun stoned. When I'm smoking, I feel like I'm going crazy if I run out.
Recently I hit rock bottom: lost my job, put myself in severe financial debt (there's that self control thing again), lost all my friends, and just basically felt like I was losing my mind. Since I don't really drink alone, and I had to stop the pot because of pre-employment testing, I suddenly had no choice but to become sober and face what my life had become. Its been enlightening to say the least. For one thing, I now know I won't go insane if I have to spend time alone with just my own company while sober. In fact, I've learned to relish my time alone. I can't believe how good I feel just to be living life sober and enjoying it. I just don't know how to hold on to this new found strength and enlightenment. I'm afraid as soon as I let my guard down, I'll be back in the same spot. I know the self control problem hasn't gone away, I've been replacing alcohol and pot with binge eating. My apartment is a pig stye and I can't seem to get myself to clean it up. So I know I'm just replacing certain things with slightly less harmful things.
Anyway I don't know where I'm going with this, but I thought I would try to share.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 22:12:18
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 22:00:28
Billy Squire's "Everybody Wants You" has been linked by Amazon to books titled...."what's going on down there", and other such silly thangs.....
How very uncool for Billy.....I used to want him so.......okay....off to my movie......la la la la la
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 2:54:43
In reply to Laughing my Bum off at the link I created, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 22:12:18
That whole time difference thing. When you guys were all posting, It was night time for me and I was um ... getting drunk.
This is a lovely thread. Please don't let me kill it. I seem to do that a lot.
I have been posting here for awhile and I truly appreciate all the support and understanding I have received.
<I don't want to quit. I don't want to feel what I am afraid to feel without it.> AdaGrace - well, girl, you said it. We have very much in common.
My Mom is an alcoholic. I love my Mom very much and she is a true friend to me but I do remember feeling as a little girl, that I would never drink like her. Well, it appears I am now far worse than her.
My happy demon is wine, must be dry. I buy the low alcohol, low calorie wine. And I expect that I drink waaay more than a bottle a night. I don't drink during the day (exclude weekends if you please). Oh, and exclude that one time I came to work drunk and posted *that* all over the boards.
As for not remembering.... I'm fast becoming quite professional. I don't appear to be drunk (apparantly) but I almost never remember going to bed anymore. It's only because I can *feel* it the next morning that I know my husband and I made love. When he says to me that it was so great, I'm thinking "what was?"
We have had plenty conversations that are just lost on me.
OK, I've got lots more to say but nothing that the rest of you haven't said already.
I have another addiction. I don't have the courage to share it yet.
Sabrina
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 4:10:19
In reply to My turn, posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 2:54:43
Hi Sabrina, I also live in the good old Z of A but I usually just write at night when others are around - after a glass or two (or three or four) of that famous low calorie, low alcohol wine. I didn't know anybody else was into the stuff. If you ever desperately want to talk I sometimes check in during the day between meetings.
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 4:42:44
In reply to Re: My turn, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 4:10:19
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 5:10:09
In reply to Re: My turn, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 4:10:19
Don't ask me what I did with the above message!!
I had actually posted:
That's great. Will be looking at getting the internet at home in the new year.
Whereabouts in Z of A? May I ask?
Sabrina
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 7:06:38
In reply to Re: My turn » vwoolf, posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 5:10:09
Cape Town - Southern Suburbs. And you?
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 7:09:08
In reply to Re: My turn » saw, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 7:06:38
You're not my aunt are you? I'm in Port Elizabeth
Sabrina
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 7:32:59
In reply to Re: My turn » vwoolf, posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 7:09:08
Nope, definitely not your aunt. And I don't have any relatives or friends in PE, so don't worry.
Btw, I believe that SAf has one of the highest rates of mental illness in the world. Heritage of the past, they say. And Cape Town has the highest rate of Foetal Alchohol Syndrome. I definitely think the social situation contibutes to feelings of alienation. It has for me at any rate. I have spent most of my life in Europe, and while I was there I had no problems (or at least very few). I came back here after the '94 elections and within a couple of years I was right back where I started. I'm determined to get to the root of my problems this time, but it is very hard.
Nice to know that there is someone who is not so far away.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 9:42:48
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 17:36:01
Actually, eventhough I blame myself for everything, deep down, I know that if he were better to me, I would be better to myself and feel better about myself.
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:04:38
In reply to The grief is it in a nutshell » jujube, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 9:42:48
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I know it's not right to blame others for our drinking, but I sometimes wonder, in some cases, if others were a little more tolerant of the occasional drink and a good bender once in a while, if we wouldn't go to the excess that we seem to. Of course, self-esteem is an important factor in the life of a problem drinker. And, having others demean us and shatter an already fragile ego doesn't help. I used to let others determine my self-worth, and it ended up breaking my heart and filling my life with misery and worry. Now I try to find the good in myself. I also try to acknowledge my not only my strengths, but also my weaknesses. Once I am honest with myself in terms of both the positive and negatives, it is a bit easier not to let the actions and words of others bring me down. Be strong AdaGrace. Love yourself and keep telling yourself that you are special and that you are a good person. Others can try to bring you down, but only you can let them. Don't let them! You are worth more than that.
Tamara
> Actually, eventhough I blame myself for everything, deep down, I know that if he were better to me, I would be better to myself and feel better about myself.
>
>
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:08:41
In reply to Okay, here goes, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 17:05:37
Before I go any further, I want to tell you that this post DID NOT *TRIGGER* ME. I did this all by myself yesterday.
> Talk about planning when I can do it, where I buy it. I'm there also. Never go to the same store twice in one week. Can't wait until 5 so I can go home and glug down that first drink and then another. Never go to an in-law family event without having a few, since I can't stand them. Always get home a little earlier than everyone else so I can have those two drinks before I have to face the music. Face the people that make me miserable.
>
I was in such a state of anxiety yesterday, and I knew I was going to drink. When I came out of the liquor store, the anxiety had vanished. Just the act of buying the stuff made me feel better.Wish I would have thrown it away, but no. I had a book club meeting that I make myself go to to get out of the house. I always drink wine when I'm there, but of course I had a cocktail before I left the house to get started. The last 2 meetings I've had way too much, and I am so embarassed. These are professional women - there's a couple of lawyers, a journalist, a dentist, and me, the receptionist. Feel quite inferior but I can read a book and talk about it. Next month I host the group at my home and I'm already dreading how I am going to face them. This is so hard for me.
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:20:03
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:08:41
Hey, hold on a second! You are not inferior to anyone just because of the position you hold. So get that notion out of your head right now (sorry to be so bossy!). We are all human beings, worthy of respect, love and kindness. If I met you on the street or at a function, I would not be thinking to myself "I wonder what she does for a living?". What you do to earn a living is a small extension of who you are. A compassionate, feeling, kind, intelligent and humorous person is far richer to me than someone who makes a ton of money or holds a position some would consider prestigious. In my work environment, I try to treat everybody the same - with respect, a kind word and an interest in what's going on their life - whether it be my boss, the person delivering the mail or the person cleaning my office at the end of the day. I don't care what someone does for a living. I care about what's inside. That's far more important - to me anyway.
Tamara
> Before I go any further, I want to tell you that this post DID NOT *TRIGGER* ME. I did this all by myself yesterday.
>
> > Talk about planning when I can do it, where I buy it. I'm there also. Never go to the same store twice in one week. Can't wait until 5 so I can go home and glug down that first drink and then another. Never go to an in-law family event without having a few, since I can't stand them. Always get home a little earlier than everyone else so I can have those two drinks before I have to face the music. Face the people that make me miserable.
> >
> I was in such a state of anxiety yesterday, and I knew I was going to drink. When I came out of the liquor store, the anxiety had vanished. Just the act of buying the stuff made me feel better.
>
> Wish I would have thrown it away, but no. I had a book club meeting that I make myself go to to get out of the house. I always drink wine when I'm there, but of course I had a cocktail before I left the house to get started. The last 2 meetings I've had way too much, and I am so embarassed. These are professional women - there's a couple of lawyers, a journalist, a dentist, and me, the receptionist. Feel quite inferior but I can read a book and talk about it. Next month I host the group at my home and I'm already dreading how I am going to face them. This is so hard for me.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:35:25
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » partlycloudy, posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:20:03
I actually quit the book club for almost a year because I was afraid to go. Almost everyone there is really nice to me, and when I'm like this, I can beat myself up really really well. When I'm better, though, I still can't imagine how anyone would want to be friends with me. It's been a theme throughout my entire life, ever since I can remember. Primary school, ballet lessons, and onward and upwards to my so-called adulthood.
I am having another really bad day, can you tell?
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:41:51
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:08:41
Oh, PC, I really understand. You must be feeling terribly exposed and vulnerable that they are coming into your space. Can you try and protect yourself somehow? By making it look nice with flowers? Or maybe someone else has better suggestions?
I hate people coming to my house. In my public life I am outgoing, in control, a feminist. At home I run around for my husband like a fifties housewife. My friends simply don't recognise me at home. I have stopped inviting anyone in. I insist on going to restaurants etc. Perhaps you could have your book club meeting at an outside venue? After all, if it is going to make you feel really bad, perhaps the best way to protect yourself would be to meet them at a coffee shop or something. It might be more fun too.
Thinking of you.
VW
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 10:49:24
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:35:25
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:53:44
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:41:51
Um, book club on the 11th of November, and we are hosting Thanksgiving. I already told my husband that I can't cook this year, he is very supportive and understanding. Maybe I can do some stuff and freeze it, but I can barely handle grocery shopping.
The irony about book club is that the last time I hosted - before I got this sick - it was a big success. Everyone loved the book. I cooked a nice meal, with a menu and everything, and I was told I had "raised the standard" for the club. Only one person in the group knows somewhat the nature of my problem and reason for my hiatus. Right now I regret ever having gone back to the group.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:18
In reply to I like you (nm) » partlycloudy, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 10:49:24
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:55:47
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:35:25
I know it's a hard pattern to break. But don't live in fear that you are not as good as the next person. It's all relative. The most successful and seemingly together person could well be struggling with inner demons. Sometimes I think that if I feel too good about myself, it means I am less of a person - egotistical, self-centered, etc. Pretty much all my life I was the shy, quiet one (couldn't speak up in class, a real social retard unless I was drinking, sat quietly in meetings because I was too afraid to speak in case someone thought I was stupid). I could never understand why people were drawn to me and wanted to be friends with me or even how I did so well at work. What I learned about myself is that I care about people. I am interested in their lives and listen sometimes when no one else will. And, I never wanted anyone I met (either personally or professionally) to feel as crappy about themselves as I did. I don't need to be a shining star, but if I can help a friend, colleague or stranger just by lending an ear, then I guess maybe I have made a small difference. And, even though it has taken me years, I am not as nervous about speaking up and expressing a view or an idea in a meeting or just being me at a social function. Try to look deep inside yourself and see how many lives you have touched over the years just by being you. Grab onto that and think of the many other lives you can continue to touch by just being you. Be good to yourself Partlycloudy. Learn to like you, even if you can only take baby steps at first. Don't be afraid to toot your horn - even if it's only in your own head.
Tamara> I actually quit the book club for almost a year because I was afraid to go. Almost everyone there is really nice to me, and when I'm like this, I can beat myself up really really well. When I'm better, though, I still can't imagine how anyone would want to be friends with me. It's been a theme throughout my entire life, ever since I can remember. Primary school, ballet lessons, and onward and upwards to my so-called adulthood.
>
> I am having another really bad day, can you tell?
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:58:40
In reply to oh, dear. » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:53:44
You're obviously much stronger than me - I take the easy way out every time. It sounds as if you really can do it, and do it really well too. Please ignore my post.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 11:12:16
In reply to You poor woman! (nm) » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:18
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
In reply to Supporting each other in this forum, posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 7:18:58
It's after six pm. I usually have my first drink at about half past seven. I get this really panicky feeling in my stomach, of horrible, unbearable angst, and I know I won't be able to do without it. How can I ever think of doing without it? If I don't have a drink I'll have to SI or do something else to take away the pain. It's with me now, and I don't know what to do. Last night I counted out all the pills in my stash set aside for the extreme solution, but managed to call my T first. I spoke to her again half an hour ago, and she extracted a guarantee from me that I would speak to her first before actually doing anything. But I don't know if I can. If the pain gets too bad and she is out? It's Friday and I won't be seeing her until Monday.
Oh God, I need that drink soon.
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 11:51:15
In reply to First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
The title of this thread is "Supporting each other". And that's what we are going to do! If you start getting that panicky feeling - POST! POST! POST! Reach out. Somebody will be here to listen and help you through it. I will do my best to lend a cyber ear and shoulder. Put the pills away please. Contrary to what the song says, suicide is not painless, especially for those who love and care about you. If things get really bad over the weekend, make sure that you have an emergency number where you can get a message to your therapist. Please don't do anything rash. I want to help in any way I can.
Tamara
> It's after six pm. I usually have my first drink at about half past seven. I get this really panicky feeling in my stomach, of horrible, unbearable angst, and I know I won't be able to do without it. How can I ever think of doing without it? If I don't have a drink I'll have to SI or do something else to take away the pain. It's with me now, and I don't know what to do. Last night I counted out all the pills in my stash set aside for the extreme solution, but managed to call my T first. I spoke to her again half an hour ago, and she extracted a guarantee from me that I would speak to her first before actually doing anything. But I don't know if I can. If the pain gets too bad and she is out? It's Friday and I won't be seeing her until Monday.
>
> Oh God, I need that drink soon.
>
>
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 12:19:35
In reply to First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
I'm here for you, too. (You're in the UK maybe?) I had a good cry at lunch in my car and I'm a bit calmer. Call your T if it gets bad - that is what they are there for. Don't worry about bothering her. If you can't get her and you think you might harm yourself, please please please call a crisis hotline.
I'm so sorry for your pain. My book club from the Very Hot Place read Virginia Woolf and that's what we discussed last night - there's some irony for you.
pc
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 12:32:37
In reply to Re: First drink - triggering » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 12:19:35
My pdoc suggested I read a book called "When Things Fall Apart" to help me come to grips with the misery my life has been this past year. Up until a couple of months ago, I refused to accept that things had fallen apart to some degree. I'm now seriously considering getting the book. Has anyone read it? If so, was it good?
Tamara
> I'm here for you, too. (You're in the UK maybe?) I had a good cry at lunch in my car and I'm a bit calmer. Call your T if it gets bad - that is what they are there for. Don't worry about bothering her. If you can't get her and you think you might harm yourself, please please please call a crisis hotline.
>
> I'm so sorry for your pain. My book club from the Very Hot Place read Virginia Woolf and that's what we discussed last night - there's some irony for you.
> pc
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