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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by akc on November 26, 2001, at 6:42:52
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 25, 2001, at 22:46:32
Cass,
It is Monday in my world -- I'm not sure where you live, but I suspect it is Monday there also. Cass -- please reach out beyond this board today. Let your pdoc know what is going on.
This is hard stuff. Some things seem so clear, but I remember when I tried to take my life that other things did not. My solution was to try to ignore the things I could not solve with suicide. Suicide is the answer to one thing -- the pain that the loneliness, depression, fear causes. But it is not the answer to many other things. As others have pointed out, best laid plans don't always go as planned. Suicide will cause pain to those you do care about -- your friends, your dog. Someone has to wrap-up your affairs -- no matter how well you have planned, there are legal and practical matters to handle once you die.
Cass, you have much to offer -- yet, you are so focused on your plan it is hard for you to see beyond the problems you face and the solution you have devised. Letting someone else into the picture to help you draw up other possible solutions -- let me play devil's advocate -- what can it hurt? Your plan will still be there. Please call your pdoc. Please tell him everything. Even if you go to a hospital -- even if you get labeled "crazy" by your family -- your plan will still be there. Try this alternative first. If it fails, your plan will be there. If your plan succeeds, you will have no alternatives. I want you to keep doors open.
I want you to stick around, Cass.
I care about you.
akc
Posted by Phil on November 26, 2001, at 6:59:38
In reply to Re: Suicide » Cass, posted by fi on November 26, 2001, at 5:42:40
Cass,
Please call your doc or 911 and say three words that will save your life..."I need help."I'll sometimes walk into my docs office feeling like shit. I say something bleak and hopeless, as usual, and the doc makes a joke. I crack up and we move on.
Cass, stick around...please.
Phil
Posted by Phil on November 26, 2001, at 7:20:40
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 25, 2001, at 22:46:32
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
Posted by mair on November 26, 2001, at 7:49:45
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 25, 2001, at 22:46:32
>Cass - As you can see, lots of people here have been in your shoes. I'm not sure there's much that I can add which would be much different from what others have said except this: when I felt the most suicidal, the last person I wanted to talk to was my therapist because I wasn't sure I wanted to be stopped, and I tended to think that suicide was preferable to being hospitalized. Once my therapist started bringing up the subject of hospitalization (on her own) I started feeling like I needed to actively disguise how bad things really were. I was fortunate in that a slight meds change made a huge difference and at least I got better enough to keep myself out of the hospital. However the lengthy process I went through with my therapist, analyzing (forever it seemed) what happened and why I hadn't called her and how I felt about her maybe wanting to put me in the hospital was extremely valuable and really helped me to start working with her much more effectively. I now look back on that time and I know I never want to feel like that again, but I do see positives in it too. There can be silver linings in even the worst of circumstances.
Please call your pdoc and please keep posting here to let us know how you're doing.
Mair
Posted by akc on November 26, 2001, at 14:19:53
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 25, 2001, at 22:46:32
Cass,
I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Write please! Tell me what is happening. What you are thinking. What you are feeling.
I care about you.
akc
Posted by Kristi on November 26, 2001, at 17:30:58
In reply to Re: Suicide » Cass, posted by akc on November 26, 2001, at 14:19:53
Hi Cass,
I just got to reading this thread..... and realized it's monday. Are you ok?
Girl, I sympathize AND empathize with ya. Well.. as you can see we all can!
I'm not sure exactly what your problems are, but I wish you'd share them. Remember, this is all anonymous. I have thought of suicide everyday for a couple of years now. I know how you feel about not going to the hospital... my friends and family would never understand..... and I would be such an outcast. Whenever I planned my suicide I always would plan it to make it look like an accident. But anyway... with these thoughts... and deadlines like you have, I am still here. Partly due to this board..... it's a great venting place. I don't see a therapist anymore, altho I know I should... I just have so much going on right now. I also have a lot of medical problems. Basically have been butchered by a doctor. I just want the pain, the agony, the embarrasement, the lonliness to just end. But what keeps me here..... is the people I would leave behind. Mostly my brother. He would be an emotional basket case for the rest of his life. When I come close, I think of him... him blaming himself...... etc that I don't give in. Do you have someone in your life like that?
Anyway, I won't say all the things everyone has said in the above posts..... they are right verbatum.... I hope you are doing ok today. Please let us know! Praying for you, Kristi
> Cass,
>
> I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Write please! Tell me what is happening. What you are thinking. What you are feeling.
>
> I care about you.
>
> akc
Posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
In reply to Re: Suicide-Cass, posted by Kristi on November 26, 2001, at 17:30:58
Today has been a roller coaster. First thing this morning, I had left a message with my pdoc's exchange saying that it was urgent. He still hadn't called by 3:00, so I called again and left another message. Around the middle of the day, I got a little potentially good news in terms of finances. I felt a little better. But when I called my pdoc again later, the office had already left. I can't believe he didn't call me back. I also had left him a message last Friday. Why would he ignore an urgent message from me? I owe him money, and his secretary has been upset about it. I've even wondered if she didn't give him the messages, but I doubt she would stoop that low. I am devastated. Doesn't he care if I live or die? I'm alive, as you all can tell, but you have no idea how much I'm teetering on the edge. I have one foot in life and the other in death. I feel like someone who is terminally ill. Death feels so close.
Posted by Mair on November 26, 2001, at 22:23:00
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
Cass - is this guy your therapist too or does he just monitor your meds? If not the former, do you have a therapist?
Mair
Posted by robinibor on November 26, 2001, at 23:02:05
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
Please call someone else. How about checking on one of the Suicide hotlines?
I found this on the website at www.metanoia.org and there's another good site at www.save.org
Send an e-mail to The Samaritans or Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S. Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call another psychotherapist or a minister or rabbi; call someone who is likely to listen.
Please try again.
> Today has been a roller coaster. First thing this morning, I had left a message with my pdoc's exchange saying that it was urgent. He still hadn't called by 3:00, so I called again and left another message. Around the middle of the day, I got a little potentially good news in terms of finances. I felt a little better. But when I called my pdoc again later, the office had already left. I can't believe he didn't call me back. I also had left him a message last Friday. Why would he ignore an urgent message from me? I owe him money, and his secretary has been upset about it. I've even wondered if she didn't give him the messages, but I doubt she would stoop that low. I am devastated. Doesn't he care if I live or die? I'm alive, as you all can tell, but you have no idea how much I'm teetering on the edge. I have one foot in life and the other in death. I feel like someone who is terminally ill. Death feels so close.
Posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 23:24:46
In reply to Re: Suicide » Cass, posted by Mair on November 26, 2001, at 22:23:00
He is my therapist.
Posted by kiddo on November 27, 2001, at 0:22:32
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
Does he have a pager, after hours emergency number? If you need to-go to the ER, they'll get ahold of him for you....There are crisis lines you can call-if it gets that bad, call me! I'm not doc/therp, but I've been there, and can listen.
Kiddo
> Today has been a roller coaster. First thing this morning, I had left a message with my pdoc's exchange saying that it was urgent. He still hadn't called by 3:00, so I called again and left another message. Around the middle of the day, I got a little potentially good news in terms of finances. I felt a little better. But when I called my pdoc again later, the office had already left. I can't believe he didn't call me back. I also had left him a message last Friday. Why would he ignore an urgent message from me? I owe him money, and his secretary has been upset about it. I've even wondered if she didn't give him the messages, but I doubt she would stoop that low. I am devastated. Doesn't he care if I live or die? I'm alive, as you all can tell, but you have no idea how much I'm teetering on the edge. I have one foot in life and the other in death. I feel like someone who is terminally ill. Death feels so close.
Posted by akc on November 27, 2001, at 6:31:04
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
Cass,
I am glad that you are still here. I cannot believe that your pdoc did not call you back. When he does call -- and he will -- express your anger -- and you have every right to be angry. And tell him everything.
I hope you reached out elsewhere. I am glad you continue to reach out here. You mean so much to us here.
How are you today?
I care about you.
akc
Posted by Phil on November 27, 2001, at 7:24:08
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
Cass,
Even though you were flying by on a roller coaster, your post was very much appreciated.
By the way, it took me 10 years to pay off my first shrink. Owed him around 2000.00 but never could get my shit together.
I finally wrote about 40 $50.00 checks dated one month apart and told them this was the only way I could do it. He had a lot of turnover in staff but I think every one of them hated me!!!
He never threatened me with collection agencies, etc. Must have known I was busy losing my house and all my credit. That was 15 years ago..somehow, I didn't go nuts. Not any further nuts anyway.
Sorry to ramble..it's just good to hear from you.
As the above Dr. always used to say, "We're pulling for you." I always wanted to ask,"Who the hell is we?"Phil
> Today has been a roller coaster. First thing this morning, I had left a message with my pdoc's exchange saying that it was urgent. He still hadn't called by 3:00, so I called again and left another message. Around the middle of the day, I got a little potentially good news in terms of finances. I felt a little better. But when I called my pdoc again later, the office had already left. I can't believe he didn't call me back. I also had left him a message last Friday. Why would he ignore an urgent message from me? I owe him money, and his secretary has been upset about it. I've even wondered if she didn't give him the messages, but I doubt she would stoop that low. I am devastated. Doesn't he care if I live or die? I'm alive, as you all can tell, but you have no idea how much I'm teetering on the edge. I have one foot in life and the other in death. I feel like someone who is terminally ill. Death feels so close.
Posted by nightlight on November 27, 2001, at 8:09:19
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
Dear Cass,
I've been reading for years, but didn't post much-depression, no energy, responsibilities (I barely met).
But, I am SO glad to see you posting!!!
Ye gods! That therapist!!!I would be very angry. Ya know, 'the best revenge is living well' or simply *living*.
I had s/t similar happen to me, I was so enraged, I immediately started seriously hunting for a new doc. I got different meds, much more (medical)support, and miraculously, began to feel a bit better. But it took that anger to thrust me forward. Just my experience.
Please stay~nightlight
> Today has been a roller coaster. First thing this morning, I had left a message with my pdoc's exchange saying that it was urgent. He still hadn't called by 3:00, so I called again and left another message. Around the middle of the day, I got a little potentially good news in terms of finances. I felt a little better. But when I called my pdoc again later, the office had already left. I can't believe he didn't call me back. I also had left him a message last Friday. Why would he ignore an urgent message from me? I owe him money, and his secretary has been upset about it. I've even wondered if she didn't give him the messages, but I doubt she would stoop that low. I am devastated. Doesn't he care if I live or die? I'm alive, as you all can tell, but you have no idea how much I'm teetering on the edge. I have one foot in life and the other in death. I feel like someone who is terminally ill. Death feels so close.
Posted by Fi on November 27, 2001, at 12:15:45
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 26, 2001, at 22:13:32
Today was dreadful- well done for getting thru it. I hope you will follow the suggestions on talking to someone else (and looking for a new pdoc, when you can face it). Meanwhile, every day/hour/minute you get thru is an achievement- well done.
It should be just a little easier if you talk to someone... You want to be around to give your pdoc a hard time (surely not replying to an urgent call counts as some sort of malpractice- maybe you could sue him and he would owe *you* money!)Fi
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 12:36:06
In reply to Re: Suicide » Cass, posted by Fi on November 27, 2001, at 12:15:45
dear Cass,
how are you today? i hope that you'll post...as you can see, many people are concerned about you...
your therapist sounds like a complete tool. i had one very similar to that and wrote her 2 very controlled letters explaining why she was fired and why i was sticking her with the $500 bill. and i suppose she realised she was in the wrong, for sh hasn't tried to bill me since.
sorry about the little detour there...is there anything that makes you feel slightly better? i'm sorry to hear how ill you feel, i know it can feel absolutely desolate...what can i say to you, sweetheart? just that i wish you'd talk to us.
love,
sar
Posted by shelliR on November 27, 2001, at 16:50:45
In reply to Suicide, posted by Cass on November 23, 2001, at 23:57:55
Cass, I wish you would write today. I think it's important to all the people on the board who care about you. I think you owe it to be straight with us, and let us know if you are safe.
If you're not sure whether to kill yourself, it is obviously not the right time to make that move. You can always change your mind later, it you die there is no changing of mind. Except that a lot of people fail and end up living with brain damage.
Living with brain damage is not always something that you can change. But the other things you can change, not immediately unfortunately, but with a plan, and safety until you are ready to implement the plan.
Both Judy and Sar and others had an excellent suggestions. We can support you, but you are the one who has to make the change in thinking. Break down the reasons that you want to die in a very concrete list. Also the things you love and the people who care. Maybe you could tell us (that would be really brave) or maybe pick someone on the board that you feel very close to and e-mail that person.
If you write each thing down, you can start working on solutions. It is not an I hate myself, want to die feeling. There are specific things that are pushing on you. Write down about you financial problems. Who do you really owe money to that it will make a remarkable difference in their lives if they got the money. Probably no one. Probably all have a place to live and enough to eat. If it's credit card stuff then you can work on finding one of those credit card places that help you manage your debt.
Do the same with your illness. Is it physically very painful. If so then maybe you can get drugs that will help you. If it stops you from doing things you like doing, maybe there are ways to change that. Sometimes it is just time.
Anyway, obviously I don't know the specifics, but I think there is no problem that is too big that it can't be handled in some way besides dying. And we can help you look at each one and see that broken down they are not awful enough to kill yourself over. Especially because you like yourself and like life. With other people that is so much of the battle. With you, you can actually start with the concrete things that are tipping you over.
But first, I hope that you are safe, and can share that you are safe. When someone comes on the board saying that they are deciding whether to kill themselves it makes us all very scared. Scared for you and scared for the parts of us that have sometimes had to hold on in the same way that you are now.
Shelli
Posted by Cass on November 27, 2001, at 21:27:41
In reply to Re: Suicide » Cass, posted by shelliR on November 27, 2001, at 16:50:45
I'm still on a roller coaster ride. Today I was driving, and I heard a beautiful song from "Cirque du Soleil," and I felt uplifted and started to think of all the wonderful, caring people I know, including all of you. I felt euphoric. Then I got home and spoke to my pdoc who finally returned my call. I couldn't express how hurt I felt that he hadn't returned my urgent phone call, and I couldn't help but feel that the money issue had contributed to his neglect. You can't have well-being without having a lot of money. Then I felt like, why on earth didn't I take all those pills? I go up and down. We talked about my going back on an antidepressant. I heard that Prozac recently became available in generic form, and I suggested that I might be able to afford that. I spoke too soon though. I called the pharmacy to check the price and it hasn't gone down that much. I need to be on something very badly. I'm not very stable, but don't worry too much about me. I think I'm out of the woods. I hope I am. Thanks.
Posted by Katey on November 27, 2001, at 22:46:57
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 27, 2001, at 21:27:41
are there any free clinics in your area? or (U.S.) the county health board should be able to help you a little. im so glad that your out of the woods Cass, you have no idea how much it made me light up to see the last post from you. Be strong and keep going. also, replace your b*stard pdoc, and threaten him with a malpractice suit if he tries to bill you. Keep going Cass, youre out of the woods, now lets get back to town.
Happy to see you,
Katey
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 22:55:19
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by Cass on November 27, 2001, at 21:27:41
Cass,
thanks for posting...i'm glad you're feeling a little bit better.
re: meds...i have no income, and United Way directed me to a psychiatric clinic in my city that sees patients for free, or on a sliding scale basis...you take your last 6 paycheck stubs, and they decide how much you'll have to pay. i'm on 4 meds that are pretty expensive, but i don't pay a cent.
this makes alot of sense because the mentally ill are often unable to hold down a job or work to their potential, etc. anyway, i am sure that your city must have a similar clinic. check the phonebook.
from what i know, Barr Laboratories makes the generic version of prozac, and they have exclusive rights on it for one year, so it's not that much cheaper. but in a year, it's up for grabs. (THIS COULD BE WRONG. SOMEONE PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I'VE GOT THE DETAILS ALL MIXED UP.)
i've found that some doctors can be very ruthless when it comes to bill-paying. this hurts my heart because you spill yourself to them, and then you get this neatly printed paper with numbers on it. i think that the best docs let patients slide a bit...
if you're not very stable, do you think something fast-acting like a benzo would calm you down? the first time i was hospitalised they gave us xanax PRN...it was a lifesaver. antidepressants take too long to kick in in a situation like this...
Cass, this is close to my heart, and i'm glad you're a bit out of the woods. it takes awhile, though...please keep us updated.
at my worst, i used to visit a sandwich shop after my pschyoanalysis sessions. it was very fancy and the sandwiches were about $7.00, cappucinnos $3.00, and i would eat this delicious meal outside and cry. it was a good indulgence.
can you see how many people are rooting for you?
love,
sar
Posted by Cass on November 27, 2001, at 23:11:58
In reply to Re: Suicide, posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 22:55:19
Hi Sar,
I'm stunned to find out that this clinic pays for your meds. What kind of clinic is it, County? What is the name of the program that pays for meds? I've never heard of anything like it. I spend lots of money on meds. I could really use help like that. I'm very appreciative of your input and everyone else's.
Posted by shelliR on November 28, 2001, at 0:47:39
In reply to Re: Suicide » sar, posted by Cass on November 27, 2001, at 23:11:58
> Hi Sar,
> I'm stunned to find out that this clinic pays for your meds. What kind of clinic is it, County? What is the name of the program that pays for meds? I've never heard of anything like it. I spend lots of money on meds. I could really use help like that. I'm very appreciative of your input and everyone else's.Cass, almost every drug company has a program which gives out their drugs FREE if you qualify. Look on this site: http://www.phrma.org/patients/
Some of the companies will let you apply; others make your doctors call to get the forms. It works; I've done it. They either supply your drugs to your doctor if their a narcotic like ritalin, or give you a volcher to get it free at the drugstore.
If you need any help, write back and we can find you more specific sites for your meds. Really.Shelli
Posted by Phil on November 28, 2001, at 6:03:35
In reply to Re: Suicide: not » Cass, posted by shelliR on November 28, 2001, at 0:47:39
Posted by mair on November 28, 2001, at 9:30:45
In reply to Hi Cass..Don't miss ShelliR's post^^^^^ (nm), posted by Phil on November 28, 2001, at 6:03:35
Posted by sar on November 28, 2001, at 10:39:39
In reply to Re: Suicide » sar, posted by Cass on November 27, 2001, at 23:11:58
> Hi Sar,
> I'm stunned to find out that this clinic pays for your meds. What kind of clinic is it, County? What is the name of the program that pays for meds? I've never heard of anything like it. I spend lots of money on meds. I could really use help like that. I'm very appreciative of your input and everyone else's.Cass,
the place i got to is called the Center for Health Care Services. when i called the suicide hotline several months ago, they directed me to this place. as far as i know, it is a city service, but i would imagine that most medium-to-large cities have a place like this.
or, as Shelli said, you could get the drugs directly from the companies.
just know that there are several options.
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