Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 323332

Shown: posts 7 to 31 of 137. Go back in thread:

 

Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?

Posted by pegasus on March 12, 2004, at 13:43:53

In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » tinydancer, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 12:51:30

Oh, I hope you are not a huge dope, because then I'm a huge dope too! I do exactly the same thing.

It was only when my T told me he was moving that I managed, eventually, to choke out a statement about caring about him. And then he reciprocated (using my own words, which was annoying - like he only wanted to exactly match me and not tell me anything unique), but he never said anything like that before the turmoil of trying to terminate prematurely.

I think different people have different experiences and thresholds for that type of thing, and if you can't manage to say that you care/love your T, he probably knows a lot of how you feel anyway. We say it in a lot of ways besides with words, I think.

- p

 

Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » KindGirl

Posted by All Done on March 12, 2004, at 13:55:16

In reply to Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by KindGirl on March 11, 2004, at 18:06:26

When I first learned about transference and all the feelings that can be evoked in a therapeutic relationship, I was discussing it with my T. At one point, I said, "but it's not like I *love* you or anything, yet." At the time, the yet was a slip. Good thing I said it, though, I suppose :).

To answer your question, no. Neither my T or I say I love you to each other. I think I'm learning (is that the right word?) to love him, but sadly, I don't know that he loves me or ever will. Perhaps, he cares about me. Though I'm still not sure about that one, either.

 

Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » pegasus

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 13:57:21

In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by pegasus on March 12, 2004, at 13:43:53

LOL. O.K maybe I am a petite dope but dope none the less. I hate when people parrot back to me what I have said. So I THINK I UNDERSTAND what you are saying on how he said the same words back. And I know well kind of know my T MUST know how I feel by some of our side talk on how I feel but I erode within by holding in what I wish I could and want to say, THAT'S WHERE I am a dope :) That song by Avril THESE THINGS I'LL NEVER SAY, that really fits me and I wish I could be brave like some of the other posters...In many ways it makes me sad that.."these things I'll never say"

HUGS


> Oh, I hope you are not a huge dope, because then I'm a huge dope too! I do exactly the same thing.
>
> It was only when my T told me he was moving that I managed, eventually, to choke out a statement about caring about him. And then he reciprocated (using my own words, which was annoying - like he only wanted to exactly match me and not tell me anything unique), but he never said anything like that before the turmoil of trying to terminate prematurely.
>
> I think different people have different experiences and thresholds for that type of thing, and if you can't manage to say that you care/love your T, he probably knows a lot of how you feel anyway. We say it in a lot of ways besides with words, I think.
>
> - p

 

Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » Fallen4myT

Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:01

In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » pegasus, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 13:57:21

You really ought to try to say them. No one can gain therapeutically from their feelings (any feelings) unless they disclose them. Therapy is all about disclosing your feelings.

What's wrong with telling him you find yourself feeling loving/erotic/whatever feelings for him? Some therapists might get freaked out, but most experienced ones have probably had it happen a few times and should know how to respond in a therapeutic manner.

 

Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » KindGirl

Posted by crushedout on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:32

In reply to Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by KindGirl on March 11, 2004, at 18:06:26


My T and I don't actually say the words "I love you" to each other, but we've implied that we love each other on several occasions. For example, once I wrote her a poem that contained the line (in regard to my therapy with her) "Love not free but real all the same," and she responded to it by saying that I don't "pay for the love with money" -- that I "pay for it" in what I show her, which makes me lovable. And she said that "other" people would love me, too (other than her). I took that to mean that she loved me, even though she didn't say it exactly.

 

Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?

Posted by inthegloaming on March 13, 2004, at 1:26:56

In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » KindGirl, posted by crushedout on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:32

i have really come to love my T over the i don't know how long we've been doing sessions. as for transference, i was extremely mean to her in the beginning... snide and snarky and belligerent, and she took it in stride. i couldn't be outwardly nasty to anyone else in my life who i was angry at, so i blasted it all on her. then when i went to a pdoc, i terminated talk therapy. just this year, i realized that my old T was the way to go and i came back to open arms.
i have never liked therapy, but now i do. i'm comfortable in it, know what to say. i can say so much more now, which is good. at first i thought it was weird to have any sort of feeling at ALL towards your therapist--i mean, you're paying them, blah blah--but when i began to trust that she genuinely cared for me, i guess i opened up some to the idea. she truly is a friend now, an ally, like an oracle-aunt of some kind. something like that. i don't know. sometimes i've been tempted to say 'i love you, doc' but... somehow it seems unprofessional. and i don't know why i even care about 'professional...' i'm a scruffy 19 year old college kid for petes sake... anyway...

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT

Posted by Pfinstegg on March 13, 2004, at 10:25:12

In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » pegasus, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 13:57:21

You CAN do it! Beginning to tell your T how you are feelng about him will be hard, and will give you lots of anxious moments, but you will learn that you can trust yourself AND him with these feelings. You are sure to get an empathic, tender response as it's clear that he really cares about you a lot; however, it could well be the beginning of the end of your hopes for him as an eventual romantic partner. You'll get more, though- you'll begin to really get better! And along the way, you can even occasionally have fun, like you helped me to do with the clothes!

 

Are mutual I love yous with a T realistic?

Posted by spoc on March 13, 2004, at 23:25:20

In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by pegasus on March 12, 2004, at 13:43:53

Hi all,

I had very strong feelings for a pdoc for awhile, and maybe the point *is* to give free reign to them to play out -- I'm not sure. But instead, I forced them back in check ASAP because I felt selfish "falling in love" with someone and dreaming of its reciprocation based only on a scenario that was allll about me me me. I imagined idealized qualities about him as a person and knew I liked how safe I felt with him, but realized this didn't mean I actually *did* know him or give back to him through the equal two-way flow that real love grows from. I also fancy myself to be likable and engaging as a client but that's still not the 50% contribution a "partner" deserves to be getting in return. Do main stream therapists really have no problem with expressing "love" for a client; without reminding them that their feelings are normal for the setting but not "real?" Without the reality of the fact that it *isn't* reality thrown in, it would seem like many clients would have a harder time separating and applying the improved loving skills in more appropriate places.

But then while I enjoy researching just about anything, I've purposely stayed away from researching psy theories and factors much, hoping it would make me a clean slate for getting help with no preconceived notions. But I've already seen that has been a mistake in some ways.

 

Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » Dinah

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 15:12:09

In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » Fallen4myT, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:01

I don't know but I posted somewhere...lol not sure where that I kinda hinted and he kinda knows I THINK? but no way too shy and don't wanna make him feel odd..or me :)

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 15:23:20

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 13, 2004, at 10:25:12

Aw P thanks but :) NO I CANNOT "SAY" it...too shy and also he knows a lot of how I feel we as I said in some thread kind of side talked it and well I kind of get the idea he may not WANT to hear it from me. Also he said its not transferance but that is an area I won't go into on the boards but I don't generally have GOOD things like him in my life so I am rational enough to know WE are never going to be a WE just dreaming my life away once in a while anyhow and yeah its fun to play :)

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT

Posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 15:40:26

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 15:23:20

Aww,yes....there probably are some very positive and helpful things in having those wonderful feelings- even if you NEVER talk about them! The thing that really counts, maybe, is HAVING the feelings. Words are only a fraction of the ways in which we all communicate, anyway. I'd say, if it feels right- NOT TO WORRY A BIT! From my own experience, as a *BIG TALKER*, some of the most meaningful times I've had in therapy took place in complete silence- just knowing we had gotten to the point of being really attuned to one another and were sharing feelings- feeling close and at peace, you know?

Want you to know I'm on the net shopping for my camisoles! My T comes back tomorrow...

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 16:03:39

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 15:40:26

Thanks for understanding and all, thing is we DO communicate WITH LOOKS that would curl your hair :) And in talking AROUND the issue and wow so much I cannot say but his *crossings* and all. You would be amazed at how well we say so much without the words.
Haha, youre on the Net getting ready for T day...ask him if he will toss some beads your way :) WHAT COLORS YOUY BUYING?

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT

Posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 21:41:16

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 16:03:39

Actually, it sounds just wonderful! Even though I tend to talk, and the analyst I have relies on talking as well, we also communicate in the same ways as you- probably not as much though.. However, when I get those camisoles, and unbutton the jackets, I may have more to report! If I don't just die of embarrassment first.....

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT

Posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 22:06:09

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 16:03:39

Oh, the COLORS! I've found black and white, which were easy, but have to look carefully for a match for the strawberry, which is kind of a deep pink color. I'll definitely enjoy wearing them out with my husband and friends, but, truthfully, it's quite scary for me to wear them to my sessions- at the same time, it will be new (and it is a GREAT idea)... but it will up the sex factor, which is pretty darned high already. God, how did I ever agree to this???? If you don't hear a thing from me, you'll know I expired right on the couch from sheer embarrassment!

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 23:33:01

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 21:41:16

Lol with your kind of therapy youre kind of forced to talk or I bet it would be dead silent and EVEN I would talk rather than have that :) Oh yes our eyes lock in and a lot is said even when he gets tears in his eyes and so on...lets say in a FEW ways ya know :P . You are making me lol on dying of embarrassment cause you CAN blame the whole clothes deal on me and get out of it say a friend told you its the ONLY way to DO therapy as you will tap into the inner you by dressing as you feel :)


> Actually, it sounds just wonderful! Even though I tend to talk, and the analyst I have relies on talking as well, we also communicate in the same ways as you- probably not as much though.. However, when I get those camisoles, and unbutton the jackets, I may have more to report! If I don't just die of embarrassment first.....

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 23:42:58

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 22:06:09

Gak! I posted this post then lost it...On colors you want to accent not just match the color so a pink, white or raspberry would I think work with that jacket...see IN PERSON...JC Penneys, Marhsall Fields, Kohls ...wow so many places in person cause in the juniors section things you THINK you cannot fit into you can...and you will be here to tell me what you wore at your NEXT session I have faith that you will not expire on that couch lololol...Oh and try Bisou bisou they have cute like spaghetti strap tank like tops built in bras but wayyy low cut....,many colors

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng..

Posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 13, 2004, at 10:25:12

This is all rather queer (in the original sense of the term). And this is why I am very skeptical about "Ts" and their position of power in therapy. Why are people so obsessed with "love"? I understand that long conversations with empathetic therapists (why give themthe capital "T"?)have the potential to create illusions of love, but this is not very constructive. I also feel that many "Ts" take advantage of the situation and ride an ego trip at the expense of vulnerable patients. I thought this board was about mutual help and respect, not about what are the best clothes to wear on sessions with an alleged "therapist." In short, I'm disgusted.

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Tancred62

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 17, 2004, at 20:36:08

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.., posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54

We do support one another and once you're around for a while you will see the MANY ways we do that with and for once another. Clothes included :)

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Tancred62

Posted by gabbix2 on March 17, 2004, at 20:40:45

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.., posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54

> In short, I'm disgusted.

So?

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Tancred62

Posted by spoc on March 17, 2004, at 21:28:57

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.., posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54

> This is all rather queer (in the original sense of the term). And this is why I am very skeptical about "Ts" and their position of power in therapy. Why are people so obsessed with "love"? I understand that long conversations with empathetic therapists (why give themthe capital "T"?)have the potential to create illusions of love, but this is not very constructive. I also feel that many "Ts" take advantage of the situation and ride an ego trip at the expense of vulnerable patients. I thought this board was about mutual help and respect, not about what are the best clothes to wear on sessions with an alleged "therapist." In short, I'm disgusted.

Tancred62, I think what's going on here is an example of the psychological theory of "transference" in action. Ironic that right out of the gate I ended up on this thread, but I have just stopped talk therapy with a psychiatrist who admittedly made anticipation of that effect in general too much a part of his method for my tastes.

I believe transference theory maintains that a patient's issues with a person or a category of people in their "real" lives will play out on the therapist, and through that end up being exposed and resolved. Could be family, bosses or authority figures, friends, lovers. Transference can be "positive" (e.g. idealizing someone, perhaps prematurely or when unwarranted, inadvisable, unreturned, etc; or after having previous problems with getting/feeling/expressing love); or "negative" (e.g. perceiving insults, attacks and bad treatment that aren't there).

Different types of therapists believe transference occurs, and/or is relevant, to different extents. I believe psychiatrists/psychoanalysts are more likely to see it as a key element in therapy. *Anyway* the point I want to make is that the reactions you are reading about here are probably exactly how it's "supposed" to be. The misplaced or buried feelings ultimately get redirected in healthier ways in the person's real life. Meaning, we can't assume that these therapists are asking for it, encouraging it, or handling it inappropriately. These perceptions are often superimposed on them as they sit there. They know how to recognize and track the phenomena as it progresses and (ideally) is resolved by the patient. That's how the underlying issue that it came from gets treated.

But hey, maybe sometimes a crush is just a crush! Like you said -- easy to feel for a confidante. But in either case it's plenty likely that the therapists aren't misbehaving. Oh -- and I think the "T" just denotes the person being referred to more clearly in a sentence than a small "t." Similar to "therp," "pdoc," etc. but even easier.

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Tancred62

Posted by Pfinstegg on March 17, 2004, at 21:55:53

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.., posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54

Hey, where's your sense of humor - or fun? The work I do with my "T" is tremendously serious and powerful; things are happening in my hours which should be and will always be private, but which are immensely helpful to me in my quest to be as true to myself as I can, and to live as full a life as I can- those are the reasons I am going. The emotions I feel in those hours range from joy, passion, rage and despair- to quiet happiness and understanding. This work is so hard that it was just a lot of fun to kind of "play" with Fallen about the clothes. I'm surprised you don't understand that.

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 17, 2004, at 22:22:53

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Tancred62, posted by Pfinstegg on March 17, 2004, at 21:55:53

You know P, humor , fun and play have been a topic of discussion by me and my T he feels that it's NEEDED more by adults not days cause it helps balance all the rest of the issues in life. Also my next outfit....teal short dress silk and nice....black heels and cold feet lol cause it is gonna snow :p

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT

Posted by Pfinstegg on March 17, 2004, at 22:36:54

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4myT on March 17, 2004, at 22:22:53

Wow, F. A short teal silk dress with black heels sounds gorgeous! Have fun it in it!

I wore my new white camisole with an OPEN jacket today, He knew i was going to wear something a little different, because i had printed out our exchanges for him. He said he loved the humor and the *play* in the printouts, and although he didn't directly compliment me, he did say that he was glad that I felt confident and free enough to dress a bit differently. All this just took a minute or two, and was part of one of those really GREAT sessions- you know the kind I mean!

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg

Posted by Fallen4myT on March 17, 2004, at 22:52:48

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 17, 2004, at 22:36:54

He knew before so you emailed them not handed them to him :) I bet he got a lol out of us and our clothes issues...OMG I wonder what all I said...hahaha DID HE SEE the beads deal? Man this is toooo funny and I bet you looked smashing ...You're brave, you now both talk the talk and wear the garb :P WTG, you DID it :) I am way proud and yes he was too and I am sure he STOOD up and took notice no doubt :)

 

Re: sayng what you are feelng..

Posted by Tancred62 on March 18, 2004, at 8:22:17

In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Tancred62, posted by Pfinstegg on March 17, 2004, at 21:55:53

Well thank you all for your comments. I was aware of the concept (some would say actual dynamic) of transference, but it seems that since the last time I heard/talked about it (15 years ago), it has really come into its own and is now a "standard" approach, for better and for worse. I suppose what "disgusted" me in the thread was that the banter reminded me of teenagers talking about their latest "crush" and the latest fashion statements they had and were about to make. I assume your point here would be "That's exactly what we were talking about, and there's nothing wrong with that!" Hey, that's fine. Nonetheless, I had to cringe at the dialogue because it seemed to reinforce many of the stereotypes about women (obsessions with clothes, boys, gossip, etc.). If that is what transference has wrought for you, it seems a bit trivial; but again, perhaps their is more substance to what I see as trivial. Perhaps I am so unfamiliar with transference that I am missing the whole point. I do have a sense of humor, and I even have to admit that I'd rather see a woman in a nice outfit, looking "sexy," rather than seeing a woman in a frumpy outfit in which she looks like #$#$%. There. That's my stereotypical male view. I guess we're all susceptible to being a cliche. And at least your discourse has a light, airy happiness about it. Can I assume that heterosexual women would prefer, or would have more success with, a heterosexual male therapist? And what about men? Would they be better off with a woman therapist? I've always wondered about that. I've had both in the past, and each really seemed to have no clue. I always felt that they either didn't "get" it or that they actually were more neurotic than myself.

Peace.


Go forward in thread:


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.