![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 95 to 119 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 22:51:18
In reply to Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
> The most significant thing that happened today was that I saw a psychopharmacologist. He thinks I should increase the cytomel, even to the point of slight hyperthyroidism. I'd already decided to ask for an increase. He also thinks I should replace the Risperdal with Zyprexa and the Klonopin with Xanax. I could go with that, except for the possibility of weight gain and diabetes with Zyprexa. He thinks I might do better on good ol' Prozac than Marplan. Not only does Marplan have dietary restrictions, but the number of ADs you can use with it are limited. Then he thinks I could try Lamictal again, and Wellbutrin....
>
> And *then* he thinks I should start cutting back.
>
> I think this is pretty interesting, but I'm not sure how much I should do a month before I'm planning to move.
>
> He gave the names of a couple of psychopharmacologists who *might* be in San Francisco. I can't find either of them online.
>
> Other than that--almost finished with figuring out how much our donations to Value Village are worth. Finally got out to Trader Joe's for groceries. Set up a tentative date for my son and his friend L. to see Gojira (Japanese version of "Godzilla").Ilene
Sounds to me that he is going around in circles on what you should or shouldn't be doing with your meds. Doesn't look like he can make a decision. I HATE med changes and I'm about to go through them again too. ugh!!! Did you come to any decision on your meds yet? I don't think I'd be making too many changes before your move. It might be better to wait till you get to your new place and then make the decision with whoever you will be seeing there. He may have a totally different opinion. JMHO!!!
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 9:35:41
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 22:51:18
> Ilene
>
> Sounds to me that he is going around in circles on what you should or shouldn't be doing with your meds. Doesn't look like he can make a decision. I HATE med changes and I'm about to go through them again too. ugh!!! Did you come to any decision on your meds yet? I don't think I'd be making too many changes before your move. It might be better to wait till you get to your new place and then make the decision with whoever you will be seeing there. He may have a totally different opinion. JMHO!!!
>
> Angel GirlI'd already decided to ask for an increase in the Cytomel. I haven't gotten any side effects, and it's helped more than anything. The Zyprexa and Xanax are so similar to Risperdal and Klonopin that I don't think it will be a problem. Getting off Marplan is probably going to require a taper, so I think I will wait until my life is more stable (ha!).
I've been the one pushing my current pdoc to try new things. It was my idea to go on an MAOI, and my idea to go on Cytomel. She's not very aggressive w/ the meds. She wanted me to get a 2nd opinion because she feels out of her depth. If I can, I'll get a pdoc who's into psychopharmacology, but I can't find either of the docs that were recommended.
Posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 22:56:55
In reply to Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
I'm feeling a little crabby. I just don't want to write in my diary no more. Nyaah. It's getting so tedious.
Ho hum. What did we do today? We slept late. We turned off the alarm, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Then we got up, farted around on the computer, got dressed, and went to see the pdoc. The psychopharmacologist faxed her his suggestions, which we went over. She thinks it would be a good idea to substitute Xanax XR (or whatever the extended release is called) for Klonopin. She can't give me any samples because it's a controlled substance, but I can get freebies at the pharmacy. Isn't marketing a wonderful thing? She's not so sure of the virtues of Zyprexa over Risperdal; or rather, she's worried about the potential for weight gain/diabetes w/ Zyprexa. We both think increasing the Cytomel is a good idea, and I have some script for it.
Neither of us thinks that tapering off Marplan is a good idea right now. I'll wait until I get to California.
I'm borrowing "Women Who Think Too Much" for another week. I'm not too impressed--lots of anecdotes, little in the way of fixes--but I want to give it another chance. (Okay, so I ruminate. Make me stop. I dare you.)
I found one of the pdocs the psychopharm. recommended in my pdoc's APA directory. I was spelling his name wrong, and he's at Stanford, not in SF. Stanford is a reasonable distance and a pretty drive. You get to go right along the San Andreas fault.
Then I invited my daughter's friend who sews to go fabric shopping. I'm looking for fabulous African fabric, but I can't find anything fabulous enough. A few "almosts", but nothing wonderfully wierd enough. There's a store in Virginia I know of--is crossing state lines in pursuit of fabric a punishable offense?
Then I came home and worked on pulling together some information for the tax man.
Posted by Ilene on May 20, 2004, at 19:19:50
In reply to Dear diary May 19, posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 22:56:55
Today we (the Royal We) got up when the alarm went off. Did not roll over and go back to sleep. Consequently I am tired now.
Decided to take Klonopin. The psychopharm said something about getting the anxiety to go away by taking anti-anxiety drugs for long enough to "dampen" the response. I wonder if that's true. I feel calmer, anyway. Took it twice today.
Even managed to iron some clothes before getting a thyroid test, and another urine test because things haven't been feeling right down there.
Got all the estimates done for *all* the charitable contributions for the taxes. It's easier to guesstimate now.
Trying to get my husband to relax. His anxiety is worse than mine, I think, and he doesn't have any techniques to deal with it. He's worried about having a place to live--he can't the uncertainty. I'm more or less reconciled to it. Right now I need to make plans, and he's not much use. He can't make decisions.
He won't take care of himself. He won't work out, he won't find a pdoc, he won't do anything but work and worry, because "he doesn't have time". He's always worrying about his effin' job. He's afraid he's going to get fired, when the reverse is more likely to be true.
I don't feel like I can do much for him, because I know that my own thoughts and emotions often run on two different rail lines. At the same time, his depression and anxiety infect me like nothing else.
My daughter is in a snit because I won't get in touch with one of her old teachers for her. I told her she has to try doing it herself first. She claims it won't work. (I don't know if it would work if I did it either--the schools here are astonishingly unresponsive to parental requests.) But it's important for her to see if she can do it herself first, even if she is shy. Now she's just in a global snit and doesn't even want to wish her grandmother happy birthday.
Oh yeah--that's another thing--today is grandma's birthday. Do you think I got any warning from my husband? Argh.
I got ahold of a psychiatrist at Stanford University by e-mail. He says he treats people w/ bipolar disorder. I don't know if I have bipolar disorder or not. I certainly don't respond to ADs. At least I have a phone number for the mood disorders clinic at Stanford.
Need to do: straighten things out with the moving company. Do the paperwork to change the life insurance my father had on my husband over to me (I started this right before I went into the hospital in March, and dropped the ball). Get everything else changed over to my name--should be only a couple of things left. Procrastination at it's finest.
What else--call my dad's GF. Do laundry. Really, not insurmountable. Will do tomorrow.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 10:54:00
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 9:35:41
> I'd already decided to ask for an increase in the Cytomel. I haven't gotten any side effects, and it's helped more than anything. The Zyprexa and Xanax are so similar to Risperdal and Klonopin that I don't think it will be a problem. Getting off Marplan is probably going to require a taper, so I think I will wait until my life is more stable (ha!).
>
> I've been the one pushing my current pdoc to try new things. It was my idea to go on an MAOI, and my idea to go on Cytomel. She's not very aggressive w/ the meds. She wanted me to get a 2nd opinion because she feels out of her depth. If I can, I'll get a pdoc who's into psychopharmacology, but I can't find either of the docs that were recommended.
IleneActually I was thinking of going for a 2nd opinion myself. My current meds are not really working for me. I've had no improvement whatsoever in the last 2 years. They worked originally to bring out of feeling extremely suicidal and out of deep depression but I'm still depressed and don't handle relationships very well at all. I'm also somewhat of a recluse so my family is really getting on my case about that. They say it's not normal and are urging me to get into one on one therapy, which I'm currently looking for. I do go to group therapy right now and that's helping but my individual problems aren't discussed. It is like a seminar type therapy where you learn coping skills for different aspects of your life. Next subject we're going to do is relaxation techniques. Right now, mine is heading for the Xanas. hahaha!!! Not the best, I know, but it's working for me at the moment.
Why do you say that Klonopin and Xanax are basically the same. I take Klonopin for Restless Leg Syndrome, 3X daily and I take Xanax as required for panic attacks. Klonopin doesn't do anything for me in that regard.
What is Cytomel?
What is your diagnosis and what meds are you currently taking and what are they supposed to do for you?
My pdoc is contemplating adding more meds. I'm BPII and some of the ones you are taking, I'm already taking or she is considering, although I don't understand why. I'd like to hear about yours if you don't mind, like what you're taking and why.
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 21, 2004, at 22:26:07
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 10:54:00
> Why do you say that Klonopin and Xanax are basically the same. I take Klonopin for Restless Leg Syndrome, 3X daily and I take Xanax as required for panic attacks. Klonopin doesn't do anything for me in that regard.
>Xanax and Klonopin are both benzodiazepine drugs. Like ADs of the same type they have similar (not identical) effects, and can be substituted for each other to treat certain conditions. I use Klonopin for anxiety. Xanax should work about as well, but is supposed to be less sedating, so I could use more of it.
> What is Cytomel?
It's a type of thyroid hormone, also known as T3. It's sometimes used to augment ADs.
>
> What is your diagnosis and what meds are you currently taking and what are they supposed to do for you?I have "major depressive disorder"--probably unipolar depression, but possibly well-disguised bipolar disorder, since ADs don't do it for me anymore. I also have GAD.
My psychiatric meds are Marplan, a MAOI AD; Risperdal, an antipsychotic that helps with "rumination", irritability, and anxiety; Neurontin, which helps me sleep and supposedly helps the anxiety; Klonopin, for anxiety; and Cytomel, to boost the AD.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, which is triggered by a condition called neurally mediated hypotension. This is caused by a dysfunction in my autonomic nervous system and makes my blood pressure drop. It's complicated and not very well understood. I take a drug called Florinef, which helps me retain water so my blood pressure stays up. I also drink coffee, because I like it and because it raises my blood pressure. I drink a repulsive potion called E-lyte that contains physiologically-active minerals called electrolytes (sodium, calcium, magnesium, etc.) Like table salt, these help hold fluid in my body.
>
> My pdoc is contemplating adding more meds. I'm BPII and some of the ones you are taking, I'm already taking or she is considering, although I don't understand why. I'd like to hear about yours if you don't mind, like what you're taking and why.
>
>
The best place to get those questions answered in on the meds board (just plain Psychobabble).I.
Posted by Ilene on May 21, 2004, at 23:14:56
In reply to Dear diary May 20, posted by Ilene on May 20, 2004, at 19:19:50
I did a lot of things today! First off, took Klonopin with the rest of my morning meds. Felt mellower. Had some breakthrough anxiety between about 2 and 3. Took more K. at about 3 PM.
Cleaned the powder room where the cat box lives. Gave the cat box a scrub.
Lay down to rest my feet.
My new landlady called. No problems with our less than perfect credit report. She wants some other info since we have no "references" (i.e. we own our own home, which we are selling), such as family members, old friends. Told her my closest family member lives in South America (true). Will send my husband's parents' address, friends' addresses. She wants my husband's landord's name, but he is merely subletting the apt., and we don't know where he is.
Had a long discussion about the mass in her head and the pig's heart valve she's got, instead of her own.
Got my daughter to go up on the roof with me. We swept the oak pollen tendrils (there's gotta be a better name for these things--what turns everything yellow-green) and cleaned out the gutters, except the downspouts look kind of clogged. Got all sweaty, but not dizzy, hurray.
Took a bath. Found twigs in the bathwater.
Gave my daughter a ride to meet her friends.
Went to the store to buy groceries for dinner.
Returned phone call left by my son. He was at his friend L's house; invited L for dinner, and asked them to call when a parent showed up.
Called the moving company and rescheduled our move.
Called the mood disorders clinic at Stanford University. They will call me back for intake.
Called my doctor. Discovered I forgot to take Cytomel on the day I had the thyroid test. Duh. We decided I would go up to 37.5 mcg instead of 50, and have another test next week. My urine culture isn't back, so I don't know if I have another bladder infection or not. He called in some more antibiotics, sulfa this time, since I said the E-lyte has a lot of magnesium, which can bind to Cipro. I have a backache, but it could be just a backache.
Called my son back and talked to L's dad. Got the dinner okay; picked up the kids, went to the drugstore on the way home. L. is a very cautious (aka picky) eater, and drank milk more than ate dinner.
At 11:30 PM recalled that I have another child, whom I hadn't seen nor heard from in several hours. Called her. She even had the phone on. "We sort of fell asleep," she said. "Wake Up, Little Suzie" said I. She was only a few blocks from home.
Now it's time for me to go to bed, it's late.
Posted by Ilene on May 22, 2004, at 22:37:01
In reply to Dear diary May 21, posted by Ilene on May 21, 2004, at 23:14:56
I was busy today, but I'm not sure if I can remember what I did....
I took an extra 1/2 tablet of Cytomel in the mid-afternoon, along with a 2nd dose of Klonopin. My anxiety's been better for the last couple of days, since I started taking K. twice a day. Kind of a pre-emptive anxiety strike.
I responded to several messages on Babble.
I told my son his job for the day was cleaning the downstairs bathroom. Did it get done? Some of it got done when I was practically outside the door.
I made a couple of phone calls I was putting off.
I made arrangements to see the original Godzilla tomorrow afternoon.
I washed *all* the dishes. There were a lot of dishes.
My daughter had a major meltdown because I won't take responsibility for contacting her 8th grade math teacher so she can get graduation credit. (I don't know why her high school is making a big deal out of this 4 years later, or why they are telling her to get the information, or why it matters--she took 4 more years of math.) All I want her to do is either walk the few blocks to the middle school or call and leave a message for her. It that doesn't work then I will intercede. She's just not willing to deal with her shyness or ask for help in a rational way. It's got to be all or nothing. Nothing I suggest does any good.
So of course I blew my top. Grrr. It's very frustrating having a teenage girl around, even if she's reasonable in some respects.
My husband is in a better mood.
yawn
Posted by Ilene on May 23, 2004, at 21:11:47
In reply to Dear diary May 22, posted by Ilene on May 22, 2004, at 22:37:01
I am very tired. Woke up at 6 AM for some reason.
It was my son's graduation from Sunday School today. The other two kids in his class (I know, lots of attrition, but the 7th grade class is huge) wrote little speeches, but Mr. Forgets Everything stood up (he towered over the mike--it was funny) and gave a little extemporaneous speech, and everyone applauded. He started strong, but weakened at the end, but it was still pretty cool.
Then we saw the original, Japanese Godzilla, which was a satisfying monster movie. I liked the way everyone looked hot and sweaty--no A/C in 1950's Japan.
I got to spend time with my friend L. She like the presents I brought her for taking care of my son on short notice when my husband had to go back to SF. I got her a Japanese iron teapot with a tripod, three little iron cups with leaf-shaped saucers, some tea, sushi candles, and my favorite chocolates. She even saved the wrapping paper!
Sleepy time soon.
Posted by Ilene on May 24, 2004, at 21:16:32
In reply to Dear diary May 23, posted by Ilene on May 23, 2004, at 21:11:47
A rather mundane day. Got up late again. Spent most of the day filing. Found the papers I need in order to call the insurance company.
Made podiatrist appointments for myself & the kids in SF. Want to get my son scheduled for foot surgery. (He inherited my feet, except his are even worse--his right foot is deformed.)
Making arrangements for a couple of his friends to go on the Sunday School whitewater rafting trip.
Actually made dinner--hamburgers w/ carrot sticks for my son and carrot salad for me and my daughter. Fresh raspberries for dessert. My daughter will make pie for my birthday, but says I need to buy some other fruit because raspberries are too runny. Maybe I can get some frozen peaches. Yum.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 25, 2004, at 8:36:44
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18 » Angel Girl, posted by Ilene on May 21, 2004, at 22:26:07
Ilene
You're right, your stuff sounds very complicated to me. I don't have very much knowledge on this stuff.
Klonopin doesn't do anything at all for me for anxiety. I take Xanax for that.
What is unipolar depression? Also, GAD? I've heard of it but don't know what it really means.
I used to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome many years ago. It was a result of getting mono. I don't have it anymore though. I remember how awful it was at the time.
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 18:23:23
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 25, 2004, at 8:36:44
> Ilene
>
> You're right, your stuff sounds very complicated to me. I don't have very much knowledge on this stuff.
>
> Klonopin doesn't do anything at all for me for anxiety. I take Xanax for that.
>
> What is unipolar depression? Also, GAD? I've heard of it but don't know what it really means.
>Unipolar is regular depression, as opposed to bipolar disorder, which in the "classic" form (BPI, or manic-depression) people's moods swing from mania to depression.
GAD=Generalized Anxiety Disorder
> I used to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome many years ago. It was a result of getting mono. I don't have it anymore though. I remember how awful it was at the time.
Lucky you. I've had it for years.
>
>
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
In reply to Dear diary May 24, posted by Ilene on May 24, 2004, at 21:16:32
This has gotten to be a boring diary, I think.
I didn't feel so perky today. Noticed the anxiety in the afternoon before I took my second Klonopin. Feeling a little more depressed; thinking about my 50th birthday tomorrow. It just seems there is no upside to getting older. I looked around at all the older women in the grocery store today, and most of them were fat and ugly, and some of them were slow and frail. None of them were attractive. Maybe it's important to me to feel attractive because I feel like so much of my life was knocked out by depression.
I also brood about my marriage. I keep thinking I should never have married my husband. It's a little late to be concerned about it now--we've been married for 19 years. I never enjoyed our sex life, for one thing.
Oh, what excitement--locked myself and my daughter out of the car. Played with a cicada while we waited. Got stuck in traffic on the way home. Didn't make dinner.
Also took my espresso machine in to be repaired. It might be gone for 3 whole weeks. What'll I do?
Posted by crushedout on May 25, 2004, at 21:48:16
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
Posted by gardenergirl on May 25, 2004, at 22:15:44
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 25, 2004, at 23:57:11
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
I am sorry I missed your birthday I am not on here much since the decent weather but do read your diary here and there and its great and so are you...You know, you MAY be going to the wrong grocery store :) try another one there ARE good looking 50 y/o's BUT none as sweet as you..happy birthday and leave the bugs alone..ugh lol
Posted by Noa on May 26, 2004, at 8:36:00
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
Dear Ilene,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
Treat yourself--take yourself out for espresso for the next few weeks!!!
Noa
PS--sometimes life feels mundane, and some days are just blah. It's on those days when I tell myself to suspend any judgment about the quality of my life until I don't feel so blah.
Happy "Being Born and Staying Alive" Day, Ilene! I am sure it is cause for celebration for many people in your life (including us folks here).
Posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 9:10:40
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
> This has gotten to be a boring diary, I think.
>
> I didn't feel so perky today. Noticed the anxiety in the afternoon before I took my second Klonopin. Feeling a little more depressed; thinking about my 50th birthday tomorrow. It just seems there is no upside to getting older. I looked around at all the older women in the grocery store today, and most of them were fat and ugly, and some of them were slow and frail. None of them were attractive. Maybe it's important to me to feel attractive because I feel like so much of my life was knocked out by depression.
>
> I also brood about my marriage. I keep thinking I should never have married my husband. It's a little late to be concerned about it now--we've been married for 19 years. I never enjoyed our sex life, for one thing.
>
> Oh, what excitement--locked myself and my daughter out of the car. Played with a cicada while we waited. Got stuck in traffic on the way home. Didn't make dinner.
>
> Also took my espresso machine in to be repaired. It might be gone for 3 whole weeks. What'll I do?
Happy Birthday IleneI hope you can find some joy in your birthday. I can so relate to your feeings. I feel the same. Life has passed me by because of this depression. So many years wasted and still suffering and getting older.
Hugs
Angel GirlBTW - Try to do something nice for yourself.
Posted by Ilene on May 26, 2004, at 20:52:53
In reply to Dear diary May 25, posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 19:44:48
Yes! Today is my birthday! Keep those cards and letters coming. Send pictures of foxy 50-yr-olds, who also look like me.
Going out for espresso. What a concept. I'd have to get dressed.
My daughter made me a pie. Guess what we had for dinner? The kitchen is still purple (it was a berry pie). I can't see cleaning the kitchen on my birthday, but I don't see her royal highness getting up and doing it, either.
And my husband invited one of my daughter's friends over for pie. My husband isn't even living in the same state, fer gosh sakes.
I noticed a real slump today at around 3 PM, when I usually take my 2nd Klonopin and 1/2 Cytomel. I need to keep that in mind.
Didn't do anything special for my birthday, except eat impolite quantities of pie. Got a call from my oldest friend.
Have almost taken care of the little problem w/ my daughter's 8th grade math. Had to call the high school principal. The whole thing causes confusion.
Posted by fallsfall on May 27, 2004, at 7:15:45
In reply to Dear diary May 26, posted by Ilene on May 26, 2004, at 20:52:53
Ilene,
Happy birthday. I'm a day late, but maybe this way you can celebrate a little longer.
I know what you mean about not wanting to clean the kitchen on your birthday, and I didn't know that MY Royal Highness had a twin. So did *you* give birth to twins and give one to me, or did *I* give birth to twins and give one to you????? Should I be concerned that I don't know the answer to that question? 8^)
My sister's 50th birthday was on May 20. She's pretty attractive - has a really nice figure, and a new (serious) boyfriend. She has gone back to graduate school (Seminary!) and is beginning a new and exciting phase of her life. She is also Bi-polar, has been in therapy for 7 or 8 years (?), and depressed so badly that she has been disabled from work on more than one occasion. I think she's doing pretty well. (I'll send you her picture if you send me your email address - I'm babble fallsfall - a hotmail address)
You are making a lot of progress, Ilene. If you compare your first journal entries with your current ones it will be obvious how you are making progress. Keep at it!
P.S. So why am I feeling guilty that I haven't cleaned out my freezer yet...?
Posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 20:58:07
In reply to A significant milestone! » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on May 27, 2004, at 7:15:45
> Ilene,
>
> Happy birthday. I'm a day late, but maybe this way you can celebrate a little longer.
>
> I know what you mean about not wanting to clean the kitchen on your birthday, and I didn't know that MY Royal Highness had a twin. So did *you* give birth to twins and give one to me, or did *I* give birth to twins and give one to you????? Should I be concerned that I don't know the answer to that question? 8^)
>There was a frozen embryo somewhere.
This one is *much improved*. She's not the girl she was a few years ago. Which is not to say she's responsible, even-tempered, or acknowledges that she's not right all the time. (However....Mom is always right, and knows everything. These assertions are met with gales of laughter.)
She actually got the kitchen sort of clean. There's even some pie left. In fact, I think I'll get a slice.
I'll get another slice.
Ahhh. Pie.
HRH can make a pie like nobody's business.
> My sister's 50th birthday was on May 20. She's pretty attractive - has a really nice figure, and a new (serious) boyfriend. She has gone back to graduate school (Seminary!) and is beginning a new and exciting phase of her life. She is also Bi-polar, has been in therapy for 7 or 8 years (?), and depressed so badly that she has been disabled from work on more than one occasion. I think she's doing pretty well. (I'll send you her picture if you send me your email address - I'm babble fallsfall - a hotmail address)
>
> You are making a lot of progress, Ilene. If you compare your first journal entries with your current ones it will be obvious how you are making progress. Keep at it!
>I know. I've read some of my early entries. Part of my difficulty is fear of falling, part of it is residual anxiety and depression. I have a hard time being satisfied with my life. Not only do I want to do more, I want to have done more.
> P.S. So why am I feeling guilty that I haven't cleaned out my freezer yet...?
Freezers need to be cleaned out, you don't actually want to do it, and it's in your nature to feel guilty about it.
Posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 21:17:48
In reply to Dear diary May 26, posted by Ilene on May 26, 2004, at 20:52:53
I'm 50 now. I already wear sensible shoes (reluctantly). Soon I'll have to take up bingo and dine at 5 PM.
Went back to sleep this morning--sleep is still a problem. Finally got up and went to get blood drawn for a thyroid test. Took me an hour and a half for the round trip, and 10 min. in the office.
Farted around at home for a while, then took my son to his pdoc appt. Charged me for the appt. my husband forgot to cancel. $160. I want my husband to be more responsible in his personal life. It's like the cream gets skimmed off into his work life.
And he gave me such a hard time about wanting to write the appt. on the calendar. He keeps everything in his Palm.
My daughter paid me money she owes because she wants me to spend $110 on a cap and gown for her graduation, and a yearbook. I have no problem with the cap and gown, but I have no need for a high school yearbook. I agreed to drive her to school tomorrow morning if she cleaned the kitchen. She got the kitchen clean--barely.
I want to be normal. I want to have been normal. I want to have made a normal person's decisions. I don't want to have lived in an indecisive haze for years.
I need to review how to use the camera so I can take pix of my daughter and her BF when they go to the prom.
BF was born in Russia and has dual citizenship. They used to go to Russia to visit family, but "Ivan" can't go now, because he could get drafted and sent to Chechnya. Maybe soon he'll decide the risk of being sent to Chechnya is less than the threat of being sent to Iraq. He'll be going to college at the supergeek school--Harvey Mudd.
I need to take my 2nd Klonopin and Cytomel early enough in the afternoon that I don't fall into a slump. Now I am really starting to feel the difference. I'm not sure if it's just the Klonopin or the combination of the two.
I want to be normal.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 21:56:14
In reply to Dear diary May 27, posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 21:17:48
Ilene
I want to be normal too. Right now I feel so depressed I don't see it ever happening. :(
I hope it works for you someday. Then you can tell me what it feels like because I'm never going to be normal again.
I miss my old life. What did I ever do to deserve this HELL!!! <cries>
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 10:56:06
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 27 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 21:56:14
> Ilene
>
> I want to be normal too. Right now I feel so depressed I don't see it ever happening. :(
>
> I hope it works for you someday. Then you can tell me what it feels like because I'm never going to be normal again.
>
> I miss my old life. What did I ever do to deserve this HELL!!! <cries>
>
> Angel GirlI don't know what "normal" feels like, either. I know that part of it is thinking about what you are doing, and not about how you are feeling (e.g. depressed or anxious).
I'm feeling more optimistic these days because my meds are working better. I swing from thinking I can tweak them enough to enjoy life the majority of the time, to thinking they are going to poop out and I will be back to near-constant suicidal ideation.
I remember that there was a time when some of my issues didn't bother me as much. They tended to crop up when I was depressed. I was younger, so I didn't have the thoughts of growing old and having lived a void instead of a life.
No one did anything to deserve mental illness. In my case it runs in the family.
The only advice I can give you is to keep trying new meds.
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 28, 2004, at 20:59:00
In reply to Dear diary May 27, posted by Ilene on May 27, 2004, at 21:17:48
I've been tired all day. Went to bed late. Looked up old BF on web last night. Major case of unrequited love. Still got the hots for him, and it's been over 20 years. Sick, I know.
Gave daughter $$ for cap and gown and dropped her at school for graduation rehearsal. Tomorrow is prom; I've been instructed to take lots of pictures, which means I have to remember how to use the cameras (regular and digital). She's got a great dress in beautiful shades of aqua--just the thing for a blazing redhead with green eyes.
Puttered around the basement and collected more stuff to take to Value Village. I should just hold a tag sale in my living room.
Went to the cheap gas station where there's never enough room at the pumps, and people honk at you, and got honked at, but the gas was under $2/gallon.
Too tired to get an early start on dinner, but we ate before 9PM and no one complained too much.
Yawn.
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