Posted by susan47 on April 2, 2009, at 16:55:59
In reply to Re: the usual suspect » obsidian, posted by Toph on March 25, 2009, at 7:42:36
These are just thought forms, brought on by your state of mind. At the time. And sometimes my mind does this too, when I am coming down from a good toke, and I realize I was briefly living in a wonderful world only borne of my mind, because for a time everything was so special. and then there's the me that I became in the hospital, a month of walking brightly lit corridors, tracing the same path, the same groove in the floor, traced by those before me, and those that will follow as well, as I trace the grooves in my mind that tell me I failed, I'm a Life Failure, and I deserve this, I brought this somehow on myself because I am weak, so f*ck*ng weak I cannot stop myself from wanting more of life than I get every day, just like everyone else. Because some people are so able to live their lives without fear, or somehow overcome their fear and live a different life than they were headed for, something more purposeful, more exciting, more lonely and more alive than now ... and I want to be on the other side of the counter, that side thank you very much, when I was the one in control of myself, the one who was competent and able. And I realize that I can choose, if I want to choose to be normal I can do that, and now I have a new home.
A home away, far away from danger, where I live with people who care about me but who would honestly, if they really knew the other life I alswo live, be very angry, angry with me and themselves too, for being fooled.
Because I have become that, a magician, a trickster, someone who has more than one face. Only now I am learning to live with my face again, and I am learning that a friend is only a smile away though I am alone. And perhaps, perhaps I can forgive myself.
What shite. I need to get away from everything, to be completely alone, Alone with myself and your voice, the muse, thank you for allowing me a muse ....
And I think I hear, when you say "....hospital emergency room." , that the "room" kind of tapers off into a whisper, and the tone drops, your tone, it is telling that you understand what a hospital emergency room is like, what it is like to be admitted into Psych, to live in a world that is Other.