Posted by susan47 on March 18, 2008, at 19:36:06
In reply to Dear Ex-T, dear man ..., posted by Susan47 on September 26, 2007, at 14:01:51
You see, o crazy one, that this is how things get misunderstood, minds get misplaced by stuff like this, because how did this T know, I mean, if he read this sh*t, this absolute shite, I mean, how would he KNOW you were talking about the street he works on not the street he must live on? The street where he would have a life, and now, having just Spoke about such street, of course he will think that you might now be obsessed about finding out what street he lives on .. I mean, it could go on forever, this fear a person could generate.
And I can't try and think like him, to understand where he might be coming from, to understand any and every fear he could possibly have about me, which is just so sad, and I've been obsessing about how I must seem to somebody like him, this ex-T, and I've been feeling so badly about myself, about the feelings I had about him, I've been feeling so much sadness over it, and I just have to pretend he thinks I'm lovely and wonderful like I really am. I just have to guess that that is a possibility, that he understands my ability to put things where they really do belong, that he gets it, that he gets me.
I just have to trust that that is what's happening.
And I have to Let It Go, damnit, let the whole damn thing go. Because I learned so much, and I grieved so much over lost emotions, and what Could Have Been in my life, was always only that. It was only one possibility of many.
And all the wishing in the world won't change the choices I've made.
But I can show my children that happiness exists in this world, that Yes, It Does Exist.
What am I writing about, why do I write this crap, why do I explode in all these silly ideas which mean something only in the moment that the thought is in my mind, and then when I read this later I won't understand myself. Or I might.
It's the re-reading, and not understanding, that hurts.
This is the thing I cannot accept about myself, that I could be so many different people, all exploding to the surface, and that the darkness in my head can cover them all and make them completely silent for so long.
So many unhappinesses. So much yet to be visited, so much to be discovered, in there.
I want to know, I want to know.
poster:susan47
thread:785322
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/818704.html