Posted by sunnydays on July 28, 2006, at 21:31:28
The everpresent pressure of gray heaviness
Weighing me down.
Canít distract myself.
Just sit here staring ahead.
Turn on the TV, turn off Ė no interest.
Open book, close Ė no interest.
Start to write, erase Ė no interest.
Start to draw, never finish Ė no interest.
Stare at off-white ceiling, bumps and valleys run, make a map.
Stare at wall, painted dull yellowy-white, cement blocks, little pits filled with paint.
Every once in a while, the overwhelming urge to move, scream, tear at skin,
Want to hurt, to rip chest open, rip out heart.
Then I could feel.
But not now.
Hate this feeling.
Swirling undercurrent of anxiety bubbles up, once, twice,
Close my eyes, see images that swim along,
Just the pictures.
Breathing is so hard.
So much effort to make chest go in, out.
What would happen if I stopped?
Chest so heavy, crushing me down into the floor,
Getting flatter and flatter,
Edges shrink in, in, lead getting denser, heavy,
Until nothing is left but a two ton lead ball, the size of a pea,
Stuck perpetually to the floor,
Sun streams in the window,
Melts the lead,
Back into a puddle,
Wind blows, leaden air molecules swept away,
And I am gone.
No longer exist.
What would happen?
If you get too heavy you sink,
Once you are pressed out the rest is easy.
You must fight the crushing press of the world.
Or you will be gone.