Posted by clearskies on April 21, 2006, at 0:26:12
In reply to Re: self hate » ClearSkies, posted by Toph on April 20, 2006, at 8:46:12
> I work mainly with the elderly, CS. Time, that in our middle aged years is the enemy, becomes the great equilizer in the end, our friend, as even the most svelt amoung us sag. Oh, seniors can be vain, this is certain, but for the most part, obsessions with appearance are surplanted by a focus on remaining independent, vital, connected. Why does it take us so long to get our priorities in order?
> Toph
I'm afraid that this is about so much more than my appearance, Toph. Getting old and saggy isn't my problem, though I'm not dancing up and down about it. I don't mind my wrinkles as they are almost all smile lines.It's the whole package and what's inside that package that distresses me so. I wasn't brought up to be aware of my body one way or another except to bury any pride about appearance as deeply as it would go. My parents only noticed me when I went through a growth spurt, adding 7 inches to my height in a year and developing a much more mature body at the same time. All of a sudden my body became something to hide and disguise.
In the past year, though, my body has revolted. 20 pounds gained. 20 pounds gained. That's a lotta weight. Not only do none of my clothes fit (the day I tried on my bathing suit was the worst so far); but I feel really crummy. I can feel each ounce and where it sits on my frame. I have developed a nasty association of relieving anxiety and eating. More is more, as it were.
So now, the ugliness I feel inside is matched by my outside. I look to myself the way I feel to myself. Distorted, hurting, self destructive, something I regard with disgust and loathing.
poster:clearskies
thread:635008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/635441.html