Posted by Damos on April 27, 2005, at 19:10:24
In reply to Re: You, Him, Them, Us » AdaGrace, posted by Damos on April 27, 2005, at 1:21:25
Hi Gracie,
Hope you're doing a little better today.
Sunny's last post was on the right track and kinda what I was getting at. Before I go any further you need to know that any answers you find for yourself will be worth 10 times what I or anyone says. I also need to apologise for not knowing your story better than I do and for having the memory of a Goldfish since my last episode and being on the Efexor XR. I have also never had any therapy or counselling and only a limited understanding of both. Okay all that having been said, I can only speak form my own experience, so please forgive me I am speaking totally 'out of my *ss'.
Grace, I don't believe what you are experiencing is necessarily so unusual, it may be way off at the extreme end of the reactions to a serious loss. I know in my own case that I can tend to invest my whole heart and soul and the very essense of my being into a relationship and to assign everything that happens in that relationship a value and importance way out of proportion to reality. I also know that I can build this other person up into something so much more than they are or in truth could ever be. From what I understand people with depression and other personality disorders have a tendency to do this to a greater extent than the general population. It is because we invest so very much in these relationship and these people that the experience of loss can be so much more devastating and enduring and sadly accompanyied by a sense of our total badness - and I know this to be true at least in my case.
From what I understand, under extreme circumstances where a relationship or person was seen as essential it is not uncommon to engage in dangerous and/or impulsive acts more often than not associated with the drugs and/or alcohol. The internal logic seeming to be to numb the panic created by the loss and to initiate social contacts to ward off the sense of aloneness. Apparently fights and promiscuity often occur under these circumstances ably assisted by the effects of the drugs and alcohol. Only you can know if any of this is true for you. All of these thing seem to be the selfs desperate effort to create contact and some illusion as to having control over some new thing in place that which has been lost. One step beyond this are dissociative episodes in which we try to detach from the physical distress we are feeling or the situation we find ourselves in that is causing the unbearable distress. My understanding is that this can in the end lead to psychotic depression.
As Lama Surya Das says, "Loss is the great equaliser that reminds us that we are not omnipotent; it helps crack open our defensive shell of invulnerability and denial. It helps us see the ways we avoid the truth of our human frailty and rely on a false sense of control."
"We hate the idea of loss because we know what loss represents.
Loss = pain. Loss = suffering, Loss = unhappiness.We cry because of our losses; we despair and become depressed because of our losses; we lose hope because of our losses. We are haunted by our losses and we often define ourselves by our losses. But, and this is an important but, we are also strengthened by our losses..... Almost by definition loss is transformative."
When we are recovering from any loss, we need to find a way to reconnect with out basic sanity and our essential authentic self. We need to find the ways to heal and put ourselve back together again. We need to be re-grounded and to centre ourselves and return home to our innermost being. Sadly the longer we take to do this, the more separate from our self we become, the longer and more difficult the journey home. imagine for a moment someone threw in a car and drove you to the end of the street and tossed you out. You could probably find your way home relatively easily. But what if you were drugged and came to in totally unfamiliar surroundings, how much harder would it be then. This is where I fear you are. If you feel that way too then I have attached some links below to some grounding excercises all of which I have used at various times and really believe help to at least start the journey home. Right now it seems as though your physical, spiritual, mental and emotional selves are totally dis-integrated (broken apart) and you need to find a way to begin to bring them back together. Doing this will also help calm the endless chatter in you head (something I constantly struggle with). Only once you begin to feel grounded again can you really begin to re-integrate the Queen, the Temptress, the Manic, the Sparrow and the woman growing older and begin to discover your true self.
With all the loving kindness I can muster,
Your friend Damos.http://healing.about.com/cs/grounding/a/bodyground.htm
http://www.healinghandsoflight.homestead.com/Grounding_Exercise.html
poster:Damos
thread:489233
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/490521.html