Posted by 10derheart on August 25, 2014, at 21:46:16
In reply to Re: back to school tomorrow » 10derheart, posted by baseball55 on August 25, 2014, at 20:49:30
I know those things are available. I don't think that's ever been the problem, though. I have a 3.78 GPA and will finish my BA December of 2015, God willing.
My notes are okay and I usually get As on most tests. It's papers and group work in class that freaks me out. The ultimate (grade) outcome isn't really what worries me. I just dread the hell I go through agonizing over making papers perfect, being unable to organize thoughts, giving up over and over again, the tears...it's embarrassing writing about it :-( At this level of classes, there is much group work and it all depends on the day. Sometimes I can grit my teeth and tolerate it, but other times I have actually faked illness or lied about having appointments to leave class when we were broken into groups.
I don't handle the social aspects of a group well. I'd rather work alone. I LOVE people, but suddenly being thrust together with strangers and told to outline something and present it to the class in 45 minutes is agonizingly socially awkward and frustrating. I either go utterly silent or I blurt out ideas or suggestions it seems are stupid and unwanted even though they seem reasonable to me. (I can tell as people ignore me and keep talking to each other) The talking in front of the class part when we are done is okay...I am desensitized by having given so many briefings and trainings to groups in my 20+ years in the USAF. It's the before that stuff...the dynamics of spontaneously doing group work and producing some coherent poster with bullet points, etc., is excruciating for me for so many reasons. I've lived through it, but luckily no one noticed or cared I wasn't contributing much until the end abd was so uncomfortable I felt ill.
I know you are right about a little bit daily. It's just that that is like asking me to climb Mt. Everest, or win an Olympic gold medal. Forcing myself (how?) to read or whatever if I feel tired, bored, unmotivated, etc. feels impossible. So, as so many of we ADDers do, I will procrastinate till the last minute, then get things done with propulsion coming from the adrenaline rush from panic (while hating the feeling and wanting to run away) almost no sleep and mini-emotional breakdowns. Usually. Sometimes, this ends up creating more problems than feeling horrid. No margin for error so I must I throw myself on the mercy of the teacher. Lucked out so far with late work reductions balanced out by A+ on a test, etc.
TMI. This is so hard to explain. It probably sounds like a spoiled, whiny brat who can't accept doing the dull, difficult parts of the work to get to the ultimate goal of the degree, and hopefully a new career/job. But its' not just not wanting to, it's not knowing how to force concentration and interest and ANY sustained effort beyond 10 - 15 minutes at a time each day, on a schedule. (Work 15 mins then screw off and relax as a reward for 2-3 hours feels normal for me, even tho it's illogical) For me, the hours of sustained work others do is so ridiculous it's almost funny. (in the sense of how, how, how do they DO that?) Yet I know that's what most everyone does. ANd I know...with a good GPA obviously I must have overcome it before.
None of this probably makes any sense.
Thanks for trying to help, baseball. I am not trying to be difficult or reject all sensible advice. It's just at my age I've tried and failed at most strategies until I am skeptical of them all. Yet I do not want to and won't give up.
It's the hellish process I fear. Maybe the ADD coach is something to pursue ASAP.
MDD (presently in complete remission); ADD-Inattentive type; mild anxiety (not fomally dx'd)
Meds: Strattera 80 mg q day
poster:10derheart
thread:1070265
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140718/msgs/1070304.html