Posted by 10derheart on August 25, 2014, at 0:38:46
yikes. I have taken a semester off from college. It was supposed to be to gather myself, to get the rest of my life "together," to regroup, to prepare to go back...or something. I last attended in Dec 2013 (Took one online class this summer).
I...didn't really get a damn thing done in eight months. I spent tons of time with my granddaughter - that is/was great and important, that I know for sure. But others can balance and do that + work (unemployed) + do school + have friends (zero of those) + hobbies + so on. I know all that is too much, but...why?
I read a couple books. I did basically whatever I wanted. Wasted days, hours, weeks and months of time mindlessly watching TV and playing games. I am pretty disappointed in all that. The messes in my house haven't moved. I had a list of six things to accomplish and I did ONE of those :-( Subconsciously, and maybe even consciously since I'm saying it, I worry this sense of massive failure will undermine me going forward, too. (You squandered the past eight months, what makes you think you can handle all these classes?)
And school...I am about to take four classes which I have never done before. I never could. Three classes resulted in several mini-meltdowns each semester where I nearly quit or freaked out, crying, panicky, having to ask for extra time, rushing, turning in things late. I survived because of several extremely understanding teachers and I guess...some of my own will to persevere (a total gift from God), but it sucked doing it that way. Miserable, awful to fall behind and have all that anxiety. So, so want to avoid it this time, even with more work. Need schedule? More/less structure? I dunno.
What am I saying? Not sure yet. Thought maybe I'll write about it here kinda like Alex does and that could help (not sure how, never been a journaling person) but hey, can't hurt to try.
It's mainly ADD that sabotages me,and I would think that after handling it through meds and therapy for over 10 years I would anticipate things better and head them off...but...it sneaks up on me or I am too weak to do what needs done. sigh.
I feel scattered by all the choices I have which could maybe put more support in place....
-- use student counseling? (feel stupid and weird, I am the same age as their parents, except for the one PhD psychologist...I ought to be counseling them!)
--try an ADD coach?
--look for another therapist?
--see a pdoc for re-evaluation of meds?
--something else?
--all of the above (doubt it...cure worse than the problem)Choices are supposed to be so great, right? But sometimes I hate choices because for a brain like mine, they induce severe paralysis of will, which I often think sums up everything...the procrastinating, the over-thinking (topics for papers, etc.) the avoidance, the inaction I always call laziness (but others say I am not a lazy person...except for housework). Because it all results in this overall feeling of being stuck and desperate and doing nothing AT ALL feels sooooo good...until it doesn't. :-(
It doesn't help I'm not all that sure my degree is what I want or ought to be doing or that I can find work when done. Dreading needing to talk to professors about this but they are the experts and I must...but it's hard with poor image of myself (fat and ugly) and low self-confidence.
Well, that was uplifting the night before classes start.. lol.
MDD (presently in complete remission); ADD-Inattentive type; mild anxiety (not fomally dx'd)
Meds: Strattera 80 mg q day
poster:10derheart
thread:1070265
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140718/msgs/1070265.html