Posted by Dr. Bob on December 31, 2013, at 15:29:53
In reply to Re: i don't like the internet anymore, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2013, at 16:18:50
> i used to have a journal. at high school. things weren't really going so well for me. at school. at life. one of the tasks we had to do for english ... was to do a journal.
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> i hadn't done it. then... well... i'd had a fight with my mother or something... in my room... feeling angry and hurt and alone... and i started writing. ... just a whole bunch of stuff... and i got an A. i don't think i got an A for anything else at high school.
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> and things continued like that. i didn't really do any work... i mostly got in trouble ... but i kept handing those journals in... and... i guess it was what saved me from being properly expelled. on multiple occasions.
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> ended up in an inappropriate relationship with one of my teachers... one who... read my journal over a period of a few years. to grade it. you know... anyway... that is probably why i feel it best not to meet anyone who reads my journal. if that makes sense. actually it doesn't make sense... i just... i don't know. i don't know what i'm staying.> i never had anyone to talk to.
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> the journal was the first opportunity i had to write stuff down and... give to to someone. get it away from me. and then... get something back. some kind of... acknowledgement. the odd comment here and there. i felt... less alone. and sometimes the odd comment would speak to me and help. but it helped to just feel less alone.
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> babble is my journal now. i don't know what to say. i... it is all the stuff i can't talk about. not to anyone. i... don't know what to say.> and then i got all depressed and stuff. and i got a therapist. eventually. and she would journal stuff i said to her in my file notes. and nurses and doctors and so on and so forth would read her interpretation and interpret that themselves and try and give me a right talking to about this and that that they thought was what was wrong with me and what i needed to do etc etc etc.
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> and so i couldn't talk to her anymore. was fairly mute in sessions, really. i wanted to... but i couldn't.
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> and then however many years later i find babble. and i talk here. and i met a babbler... and that was mostly okay. because she wasn't terribly active here (in a personal way) and she was so very cautious about her own privacy. and then i met damos. and that was okay. and we became friends and hung out quite a bit... and i was scared that that might change things for me. that this wouldn't be a place for me anymore... but it didn't. i think some combination of our being friends and nothing more... and his not posting here as much as he did before.
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> and when i got blocked it was like... like i'd been suspended from school or something. and i didn't have anyone... anywhere to talk, again. and i didn't understand why you blocked me. i couldn't make sense of it. so i couldn't get any sort of power over it in terms of thinking that if only i did this or that or whatever then it wouldn't happen again. so i felt powerless in the hands of capricious gods. and i feel apart, rather.
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> i guess i mostly forgot is how i found my way back. and because i thought i'd be stuck into writing up about now... and i was posting at babble around the time i got my masters done so maybe i could tap into some of that... i don't know.
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> computers scare me now. because they don't seem anonymous the way they used to be. i'd have a password on my computer and a password on my email and a password on a couple other places... and things felt kind of safe and protected.
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> sh*t sh*t sh*t it is full of sh*t. and... invasive.. and... like there is no place in this world where i can be me. where i can relax and let my guard down and not have... people use me for their own ends. whether it be some sense of righteousness they get for giving me a talking to or whatever... people more seriously trying to take advantage.. getting to know people better... well... i guess that is when they start trying to change me. trying to make me be like them. when they... really become invasive / insensitive to me. people will have you on.... and when you opt out of the jostling / vaguely concealed insults etc rubbish then they will steamroll you. just because they can.People do interpret things themselves. My interpretation is that blocking you felt like giving you a talking to, trying to change you, becoming invasive / insensitive, and finally steamrolling you.
Maybe since then you've changed. And maybe Babble has, too. I'm glad you have your journal back.
Bob
a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind -- The New York Times
backpedals well -- PartlyCloudy
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:1056716
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20131211/msgs/1057315.html